I called the...

I called AA. Hopeless. Could not understand them. They were slurring their words.
 
I called the compulsive masturbators hotline and they told me to beat it.
 
I called the constipation helpline and they told me they were already backed up.
 
Hey, apparently you don't need to call separate hotlines to get all of these responses. Just one number will give you every response above: 1-888-ROGERS-1
 
I called the compulsive masturbators hotline and they told me to beat it.

I called them back and this time they told me to go fuck myself.
 
Called the veterinarian to see if he's working today.

They told me he's fucking the dog.
 
I went to my bank today to see about reducing my mortgage payments. I was told I would have speak with the loans officer, they suggested that I go to Helen Whate
 
I called the plumber to fix my toilet. He said, "You're shit outta luck."
 
I'm calling the Schizophrenic Self-Help Line.. hold on I've got another call coming in.
 
Help! I'm at cafe Atlantis right now and my resolve is wavering! Any suggestions on how to remain "master of my domain"!?!?
 
Help! I'm at cafe Atlantis right now and my resolve is wavering! Any suggestions on how to remain "master of my domain"!?!?

I called the strip club and they said nothing a-peeling was going on.