Jokes of the day

[downbound123]

There once was a lady from Mass.
Who waded into water up to her ankles
It doesn't rhyme now
But it will when the tide comes in.

 

[downbound123]

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I'm a schizophrenic
And so am I

 

[unassuming]

Man comes home from work to find his nude wife sliding down staircase bannister on her pussy. He says "What are you doing???"
She replies "I'm warming your dinner!"

 

[onomatopoeia]

An older woman is feeling horny, so she takes a shower just before her husband is due to come home from work. She lies down on their bed, covering herself from the waist up, with her legs spread wide, invitingly. When her husband gets home, he walks upstairs to the bedroom, takes one look at his wife ,and says "Dammit, Marge, would you comb your hair and put your teeth in, I swear you're looking more and more like your mother every day".

 

[shack]

Man comes home from work to find his nude wife sliding down staircase bannister on her pussy. He says "What are you doing???"
She replies "I'm warming your dinner!"

They haven't been married very long.

 

[Perry Mason]

[Posted this before.... a long time ago... but worth repeating!!! ]

Perry


A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 50 men walking single file.

The man couldn't restrain his curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this… whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's" responded the man walking the dog.

''What happened to her?"

"My dog attacked and killed her."

“But who is in the second hearse?"

"My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?" the man asked.

The mourner replied, "Get in line."

 

[poker]

There was recently an SAT question on Jeffery Epstein. How mental's that? Cause if there is one person you don't want to associate the phrase "shhhh... ok, turn over, you've got an hour..."

I should leave Epstein alone. He just wanted to settle down and have kids.

 

[Drakarys]

 

[unassuming]

Pete and RePete were in a boat, Pete fell out, who was left?


"RePete"
Pete and RePete were in a boat, Pete fell out, who was left?

"RePete"
Pete and RePete were in a boat, Pete fell out, who was left?

"RePete"
Pete and RePete were in a boat, Pete fell out, who was left?

"RePete"
Pete and RePete were in a boat, Pete fell out, who was left?

"RePete"
Pete and RePete were in a boat, Pete fell out, who was left?

"RePete"
Pete and RePete were in a boat, Pete fell out, who was left?

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Etc....

 

[y2kmark]

Does anyone know the one about the gorilla and the kielbasa?...

 

[tongueforrent]

 

[y2kmark]

View attachment 85098

A joke, yes. The least bit funny? Uh uh...

 

[y2kmark]

If two vegans get into a heated argument, are they still having a beef?...

 

[spankingman]

Q: What's in the center of a gold medal at The Special Olympics?
A: Chocolate.

NOT FUNNY ASSHOLE!!!! MY NEPHEW PROUDLY COMPETED IN THE SPECIAL OLYMPICS. Takes a real SLIMEBALL to poke fun at these ATHLETES who dedicate themselves,work hard to REPRESENT Canada. You sir are a piece of fecal matter.

 

[y2kmark]

NOT FUNNY ASSHOLE!!!! MY NEPHEW PROUDLY COMPETED IN THE SPECIAL OLYMPICS. Takes a real SLIMEBALL to poke fun at these ATHLETES who dedicate themselves,work hard to REPRESENT Canada. You sir are a piece of fecal matter.

This is Terb. It's OK to say what you really think...

 

[tml]

Rodney Dangerfield:" My wife likes to talk to me during sex. Every night she phones me from a different motel room".

Norm MacDonald: "Laughter is the best medicine. Unless you're diabetic. Then insulin is the best medicine".

Mitch Hedberg: "I like rice, because when I'm hungry I like the thought of eating a thousand of something".

George Carlin pretending to be a news anchorman: "A freak accident on the L.A. expressway today as 3 freaks in a van hit 6 freaks in a camper".

Norm MacDonald as Lou Gehrig: "Today I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the Earth"
Yankee fans: Cheering and applause
Norm MacDonald as Lou Gehrig: "I was being sarcastic!!!! I have a disease so rare they named it after me. Lucky me!!!".

Greg Giraldo during a Comedy Channel roast: "Artie Lange's liver is so black Lisa Lampanelli wants it to f*!k her up the ass and never call her".

 

[onomatopoeia]

Q: What's in the center of a gold medal at The Special Olympics?
A: Chocolate.

NOT FUNNY ASSHOLE!!!! MY NEPHEW PROUDLY COMPETED IN THE SPECIAL OLYMPICS. Takes a real SLIMEBALL to poke fun at these ATHLETES who dedicate themselves,work hard to REPRESENT Canada. You sir are a piece of fecal matter.

Eat me.

 

[y2kmark]

Eat me.

Not unless you have a chocolate center...

 

[Drakarys]

Here... some chocolate...

 

[onomatopoeia]

Here... some chocolate...

These are marketed as Choc Procs.