Oh. It will probably take me about 300 years to finally watch an episode of Star Trek.
Jokes of the day
- Thread starter thirdcup
- Start date
I once saw a man use cuts of steak to make portraits of people
It was a rare medium...but well done
It was a rare medium...but well done
A woman goes into a adult toy shop to buy a dildo.
Clerk says to her, "We have all kinds of colours and sizes"
She looks around , none are to her liking, but sees a "plaid coloured" one behind the counter and tells the clerk, "I want that one!"
He replies, "It's not for sale."
The woman says, "Please I want that plaid one," again he says it's not for sale.
The woman says, "I'll give you a hundred dollars for it." and the clerk says, "Well, okay.
Five minutes later, his boss walks in and asks, "How's business today?"
The clerk replied, "It's pretty slow but I just sold my thermos for $100!
Clerk says to her, "We have all kinds of colours and sizes"
She looks around , none are to her liking, but sees a "plaid coloured" one behind the counter and tells the clerk, "I want that one!"
He replies, "It's not for sale."
The woman says, "Please I want that plaid one," again he says it's not for sale.
The woman says, "I'll give you a hundred dollars for it." and the clerk says, "Well, okay.
Five minutes later, his boss walks in and asks, "How's business today?"
The clerk replied, "It's pretty slow but I just sold my thermos for $100!
Similarly,
An Albertan and a Quebecois found a genie, who said they each may have one wish.
The Quebecois said I want a tall brick wall to separate Quebec from the rest of Canada.
The Albertan said- after the wall is built, fill it with water.
Another.
A boss and his two employees were out for lunch and they found a genie.
The genie said normally I grant 3 wishes to the one who finds me. But since there are 3 of you, you each get one wish.
The first employee said "I want to spend the rest of my days on a tropical island," and the next moment he disappeared.
The second employee said "I want to return to my home country," and he disappeared.
The boss said "I want those guys back at their desks after lunchtime"
There are only two sports in India - Cricket, and Spelling Bee. If you can't defend a doosra on a slow pitch, you learn how to spell fackeltanz.
Two cow talking in the pasture
1 says: some guy just pulled my tit in the barn
The other cow says: how Dairy!
1 says: some guy just pulled my tit in the barn
The other cow says: how Dairy!
Many years ago, I was in a Burger King in Montreal, late at night, and a half dozen Latinas came in, dressed for clubbing. The last one was wearing a very shiny lip gloss, and I thought to myself:
The sixth spic chick's lipstick's slick.
The sixth spic chick's lipstick's slick.
Came back home from a Saturday morning run only to find my wife in bed, nude, blindfolded and handcuffed.
She said "Honey you can do whatever you want!".
So I went golfing!
She said "Honey you can do whatever you want!".
So I went golfing!
Think that's why Latina is now preferred to Hispanic. With 6-1 it's a good thing you kept it to yourself, facial scratches don't always heal well....
Q: What's in the center of a gold medal at The Special Olympics?
A: Chocolate.
A: Chocolate.
What did Geronimo say when he jumped out of the airplane?
Meeeeeeee....
Meeeeeeee....
A couple were saving themselves for marriage, but on the way to the ceremony they were both killed in a tragic accident. After waiting in line a long time in line they got the interview with St. Peter at the gate. After the whole intro spiel he asked it there were any questions.:
"Why, yes, we would still like to get married, can you get married in heaven?"
"Nobody has ever asked that before", he replied. "Wait here and I will find out for you..."
He is gone a very long time and they both get to thinking. What if it doesn't work out? There may be other things to consider...
St. Peter finally returns 3 months later.
"Good news! I found out you can get married here in heaven"
"Well we have been thinking, what happens if things don't work out, can we get a divorce up here?"
"Oh, come on!" He said, throwing down his clipboard.
"It took me 3 months to find a priest up here, how long do you think it would take me to find a lawyer?"
"Why, yes, we would still like to get married, can you get married in heaven?"
"Nobody has ever asked that before", he replied. "Wait here and I will find out for you..."
He is gone a very long time and they both get to thinking. What if it doesn't work out? There may be other things to consider...
St. Peter finally returns 3 months later.
"Good news! I found out you can get married here in heaven"
"Well we have been thinking, what happens if things don't work out, can we get a divorce up here?"
"Oh, come on!" He said, throwing down his clipboard.
"It took me 3 months to find a priest up here, how long do you think it would take me to find a lawyer?"
Near the end of World War II, a German colonel is giving a speech to a group of sixteen and seventeen year old newly commissioned officers, who will be sent to front line posts, so that war criminals can escape:
Conzider see boy of zix, schtruck und gilled by a vreight drain, vhile playink...Jicken. Hiss fictory is vleeting, ja, but nonetheless, he may glaim hiss zeat, among see lechens of Fallhalla, because... when vaced vith imminent teath, he did not abandon his post!
Conzider see boy of zix, schtruck und gilled by a vreight drain, vhile playink...Jicken. Hiss fictory is vleeting, ja, but nonetheless, he may glaim hiss zeat, among see lechens of Fallhalla, because... when vaced vith imminent teath, he did not abandon his post!
