Jokes of the day

[shakenbake]

 

[bemeup]

The divorce attorney asks his secretary to send in his next clients. To his surprise, a very old couple shuffle into his office. Both appear to be around 90 years of age.
The lawyer asks “How may I help you?” “We want to divorce each other”, the husband replied. “ And how long have you two been married?”
“71 years “ replies the wife. Lawyer: “ If you don’t mind me asking, why did you wait 71 years to get a divorce?”
“ We wanted to wait until all the kids were dead.”

 

[onomatopoeia]

An old woman is at the funeral home to see her deceased husband. She says to the mortician "You've done a wonderful job with George. There's just one minor problem. He's dressed in a black suit. George always wore gray. Could you change that before the funeral?". The director tells her to consider it done. As soon as she leaves, he calls out "Hey Phil! Before you leave, switch heads on four and nine.".

 

[JohnHenry]

Saw this one on a roadside sign:
If you don't know the difference between a burro and a burrow, you don't know your ass from a hole in the ground

 

[y2kmark]

Saw this one on a roadside sign:
If you don't know the difference between a burro and a burrow, you don't know your ass from a hole in the ground

The wolf is shaved
so neat and trim
Red Riding Hood
Is chasing him

Burma Shave

 

[y2kmark]

Te following is a real thing, I swear: #whoremembers. If you saw "whore members" you fit right in on Terb. If not you are a better person than I - who remembers...

 

[y2kmark]

The manufacturer said to the storekeeper:
"Thank you Mr. Jones for you patronage. I wish I had twenty customers like you."

"Gee, it's good to hear you talk like that, but I'm kind of surprised." Admitted Jones. "You know I protest every bill and never pay on time."

The manufacturer said. I'd still like twenty customers like you. The problem is, I have two hundred."...

 

[y2kmark]

it's a sad fact that over 50% of the marriages in this country end in divorce. The rest end in death, though, so you might want to be among the lucky ones...

I used to think natural food was good for me, then I found out that most people die of natural causes...

 

[ogibowt]

i like blind dates...........you can stare at their tits
i like dating homeless girls......you can drop them off anywhere
if you dont care where you are..........you will never be lost

 

[onomatopoeia]

From an old Weekend Update on SNL"

Studies show that 59% of men kiss their wife good-bye when they leave their house, and 95% kiss their house good-bye when they leave their wife.

 

[onomatopoeia]

Random selections from Bawdy Limericks, The Famous Paris Edition, Poplar Press, 1980:

There once was a floozie named Annie,
Whose prices were cozy - but canny:

A buck for a fuck,
Fifty-cents for a suck,

And a dime for a feel of her fanny.


There was a young lady from Cue,
Who filled her vagina with glue.

She said with a grin,
"If they pay to get in,

They'll pay to get out of it, too.".


There was a young lady in Reno,
Who lost all her dough playing keeno.

But she lay on her back,
And opened her crack,

And now she owns the casino.

 

[shack]

There was a young lady named Alice
Who used a dynamite stick for a phallus

They found her vagina
In South Carolina
And part of her anus in Dallas

 

[onomatopoeia]

Spell Check Fail

 

[anon1]

 

[downbound123]

the dyslexic philosopher who wondered "is there a dog?"

 

[y2kmark]

Just saw this G. Carlin quote:
I asked the librarian for directions to the self help section. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose...

 

[onomatopoeia]

 

[onomatopoeia]

 

[onomatopoeia]

Two guys are canoeing across the Sahara Desert. The guy in the back says: "Wears your paddle". The guy in the front says: "Sure does.".

 

[y2kmark]

Applies to some of the threads in the politics section: If attacked by a mob of clowns, go for the juggler...