Jokes of the day
- Thread starter thirdcup
- Start date
Two guys are waiting on the corner for the light to change. A dog walks up and sits down besides them and starts licking himself.
One of the guys says "I would love to able to do that"
The other guy says "I would pet him first"
One of the guys says "I would love to able to do that"
The other guy says "I would pet him first"
A woman who thinks logically is worth her weight in gold, unless she's really fat, in which case, the gold would be worth more.
Classic redneck humor. Comedians name was Grizzard and I forget the first name. The people are "Bubba and Little Bit" and the dog was Ugga - Georgia Bulldogs mascot. The original punch line in a thick southern accent"
"Bubba, that dog would bite youuuu"...
Obviously, a woman wrote this joke, the man has no mouth either? bitter hateful feminists.
LJ
He calls himself Jordan Peterson refuses to acknowledge gender specific pronouns becomes a billionaire because of that and hires an electrician to change the fucking bulb
LJ
Back around 2005 I was on a first date and really, really, really trying to impress this girl -- she was a stunner.
I took her to dinner at the Royal York, and as we sat sipping chilled champagne, my date's eyes suddenly went wide and she gasped with excitement.
“OH. MY. GOD,” she exclaimed, as discretely as possible. “The guy sitting a few tables to my left.... That's Mick Jagger!!! Let's go get an autograph!”
I looked over at him, unimpressed.
“No way,” I replied, in a very confident, cool manner. “He's a complete knob.”
“What?” my date said. “You know him??”
“Oh yeah. Known him years,” I scoffed. “I kinda hope he doesn't see me.”
About 10 minutes later I see Mick head to the washroom. I excused myself and went to the men's room myself. Mick and I finish peeing around the same time, and as we're washing our hands I look at him and pretend to be surprised and tell him what a huge Rolling Stones fan I am and what an honour it was to meet him.
He was quite pleasant and we exchanged some small talk, and then I asked him if he would mind doing me a HUGE favour – I told him I was on a first date and trying to impress this girl, and I asked if he could come over to our table and act like he's known me for years.
Reluctantly, he agreed, and I thanked him profusely.
Some time passes and I'm back at our table, chatting with my date, when Mick Jagger comes over and says, “HEY! How are you, it's been a while!” with a big toothy smile.
I looked up at him.
“Fuck off, Mick," I scowled. "Can't you see I'm busy???”
I took her to dinner at the Royal York, and as we sat sipping chilled champagne, my date's eyes suddenly went wide and she gasped with excitement.
“OH. MY. GOD,” she exclaimed, as discretely as possible. “The guy sitting a few tables to my left.... That's Mick Jagger!!! Let's go get an autograph!”
I looked over at him, unimpressed.
“No way,” I replied, in a very confident, cool manner. “He's a complete knob.”
“What?” my date said. “You know him??”
“Oh yeah. Known him years,” I scoffed. “I kinda hope he doesn't see me.”
About 10 minutes later I see Mick head to the washroom. I excused myself and went to the men's room myself. Mick and I finish peeing around the same time, and as we're washing our hands I look at him and pretend to be surprised and tell him what a huge Rolling Stones fan I am and what an honour it was to meet him.
He was quite pleasant and we exchanged some small talk, and then I asked him if he would mind doing me a HUGE favour – I told him I was on a first date and trying to impress this girl, and I asked if he could come over to our table and act like he's known me for years.
Reluctantly, he agreed, and I thanked him profusely.
Some time passes and I'm back at our table, chatting with my date, when Mick Jagger comes over and says, “HEY! How are you, it's been a while!” with a big toothy smile.
I looked up at him.
“Fuck off, Mick," I scowled. "Can't you see I'm busy???”
Guy wakes up in the hospital. Asks what happened? Doctor comes to his bedside says good new bad news, which do you want first. Guy says bad news.
Doctor tells him . "you were in a car accident. You lost your legs and your wife and family. while you were in a coma your business went bankrupt.
Guy says "holy fuck! what's the good news?"
Doctor says "the guy in the next bed wants to buy your slippers"
Guy wakes up in the hospital.
doctor comes over and asks "good news or bad news?"
Guy says "bad news."
Doctor says " Well you know you came in here to have your leg amputated? "
Guy replies "Yes?"
Doctor says. "Well we took off the wrong one"
Guy says "Holy fuck! what's the good news"
Doctor says "Your other leg is getting better"
Doctor tells him . "you were in a car accident. You lost your legs and your wife and family. while you were in a coma your business went bankrupt.
Guy says "holy fuck! what's the good news?"
Doctor says "the guy in the next bed wants to buy your slippers"
Guy wakes up in the hospital.
doctor comes over and asks "good news or bad news?"
Guy says "bad news."
Doctor says " Well you know you came in here to have your leg amputated? "
Guy replies "Yes?"
Doctor says. "Well we took off the wrong one"
Guy says "Holy fuck! what's the good news"
Doctor says "Your other leg is getting better"
Little Billy is in his grade 4 class and the teacher's assignment is for everyone to use the word "beautiful" twice in a sentence.
OK Maryanne, you go first. Maryanne says, "The beautiful butterfly landed on the beautiful flower." Excellent, says the teacher.
Johnny, you next. Johnny says, "If there is a beautiful sunset, the next morning will also be beautiful." Very good Johnny.
Now you Billy. "Well at dinner last night when my 16 year old sister told my parents that she's pregnant, my father said, Beautiful, fucking beautiful."
OK Maryanne, you go first. Maryanne says, "The beautiful butterfly landed on the beautiful flower." Excellent, says the teacher.
Johnny, you next. Johnny says, "If there is a beautiful sunset, the next morning will also be beautiful." Very good Johnny.
Now you Billy. "Well at dinner last night when my 16 year old sister told my parents that she's pregnant, my father said, Beautiful, fucking beautiful."
Chinese guy living in China is concerned why his dick is so sore. Goes to the doctor, and is examined. Doctor says " I am afraid that you have the dreaded disease Hong Kong Gone" Patient asks will I need surgery? Will you have to cut it off? Doctor replies, Oh no, pretty soon it will fall off all by itself.
Like Drew Carey said:
How many radical feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two - One to screw it in and one to suck my dick!
