Jokes of the day
- Thread starter thirdcup
- Start date
Paddy's at confession.
Paddy: Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I've been having sex with animals.
Priest: What kind of animals, my son?
Paddy: Dogs, Father.
Priest: I'm disgusted, my son. How low can a man go?
Paddy: I'm not sure, Father. Maybe a Jack Russell?
Paddy: Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I've been having sex with animals.
Priest: What kind of animals, my son?
Paddy: Dogs, Father.
Priest: I'm disgusted, my son. How low can a man go?
Paddy: I'm not sure, Father. Maybe a Jack Russell?
The guy with no legs waterskiing - Skip
The guy in the hole in the ground - Doug
So this extremely rich guy has himself cloned. Unfortunately, the copy is the most obstreperous and foul mouthed creature ever and he had a thing about rich people. He would vent to anyone who would listen and post on the internet when he could all of the most foul, disgusting rants, usually directed at "his" rich guy in particular.
The guy got so completely pissed that he pushed the clone out a 23rd story window. He was arrested, but when it came to charge him the law still read that it had to be a person to make it murder. He's still in jail, though.
They got him for making an obscene clone fall...
A bloke in London was extremely horny, but had no money and no success in finding female company. He decided that he would hide in Madame Tussaud's Wax Museum until closing time, and then have his way with the first female wax figure he could find. So it was that a security guard happened upon our horny chap banging the wax facsimile of Margaret Thatcher. Of course he was arrested.The charge was Tory Statue rape.
A New York Attorney representing a very wealthy art collector called and asked to speak to his client.
“Paul, he said, I have some good news and I have some bad news for you."
The art collector replied, “I’ve had an awful day, so let’s hear the good news first."
The lawyer said, “Well Paul, I met with your wife today. She told me that she invested just $5,000 in two very nice pictures that she thinks will net her somewhere between $15 and 20 million… and I think she is right."
Paul replied enthusiastically, “Holy cow! My wife sure is a brilliant business woman, isn’t she?, You’ve just made my day. Now I should be able to handle the bad news. What is it?”
The lawyer replied, “The pictures are of you and your secretary…….”
Perry
“Paul, he said, I have some good news and I have some bad news for you."
The art collector replied, “I’ve had an awful day, so let’s hear the good news first."
The lawyer said, “Well Paul, I met with your wife today. She told me that she invested just $5,000 in two very nice pictures that she thinks will net her somewhere between $15 and 20 million… and I think she is right."
Paul replied enthusiastically, “Holy cow! My wife sure is a brilliant business woman, isn’t she?, You’ve just made my day. Now I should be able to handle the bad news. What is it?”
The lawyer replied, “The pictures are of you and your secretary…….”
Perry
This guy takes his girlfriend go to a new restaurant for her birthday. They ordered, and a little while later their soup arrived.
The guy noticed that the waiter had both his thumbs dipping in their soup as he carried the bowls to the table. He didn't want to cause a scene, so he said nothing. However, the same thing happened when he brought their main courses -- two plates of risotto -- and their desserts, which were two bowls of apple crisp with hot custard.
When the waiter brought their bill at the end of the meal, the guy, who was absolutely livid now, pointed out to the waiter that he'd had his thumbs in every single course he'd served them.
The waiter explained that he had terrible rheumatism in both his thumbs, and his doctor had insisted that he keep them somewhere warm and moist at all times.
This was too much for the guy, so he blurted out, “Well why don’t you stick them up your arse then?”
“Well, I do,” replied the waiter, “in between courses.”
The guy noticed that the waiter had both his thumbs dipping in their soup as he carried the bowls to the table. He didn't want to cause a scene, so he said nothing. However, the same thing happened when he brought their main courses -- two plates of risotto -- and their desserts, which were two bowls of apple crisp with hot custard.
When the waiter brought their bill at the end of the meal, the guy, who was absolutely livid now, pointed out to the waiter that he'd had his thumbs in every single course he'd served them.
The waiter explained that he had terrible rheumatism in both his thumbs, and his doctor had insisted that he keep them somewhere warm and moist at all times.
This was too much for the guy, so he blurted out, “Well why don’t you stick them up your arse then?”
“Well, I do,” replied the waiter, “in between courses.”
...at your front door - Matt
...in a hole - Phil
... in a pot - Stu
...a lady with one leg shorter than the other - Eileen
... A Chinese lady with one leg shorter than the other - Irene
Told to me by a stripper, in a strip club, back in the SCTO days:
A guy comes home from work and finds his wife packing a suitcase.
Honey, what's wrong?
I'm LEAVING you. I just found out that you're a PEDOPHILE!
Ooooh, that's a pretty big word for a nine year old....
A guy comes home from work and finds his wife packing a suitcase.
Honey, what's wrong?
I'm LEAVING you. I just found out that you're a PEDOPHILE!
Ooooh, that's a pretty big word for a nine year old....
Guy comes home from work and finds his wife packing a suitcase .
“Where are you going?”, he asks.
“Las Vegas.”, she replies. “ I just found out women there get $200 for giving a blow job, and you don’t give me anything.”
As she heads out the door he calls after her “yeah, well good luck trying to survive on $400 a year!”
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $700,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um , no."
The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea, "
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $700,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um , no."
The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea, "
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
If you want a fat sex doll, it will cost more than the thin models, but if you want a fat prostitute you can get them cheaper than the thin ones.
