“My german girlfriend likes to rate my sexual performances on a scale of 1-10.
Last night we tried anal. She kept yelling 9. That's the best I've ever done”
Last night we tried anal. She kept yelling 9. That's the best I've ever done”
Your fave Terrible Sêx Joke
- Thread starter Azria
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An Italian, Frenchman, and Australian are bragging about the skills w the ladies.
The Frenchman says "after I make zee love to my woman, I gently kiss her on zee neck and she floats an inch above the sheets in ecstasy!"
The Italian says: "thats a nothing! After I make-a love to my Bella Donna, I tickle under the chin and she rises one foot above the bed!"
The Aussie say: "you lot got nothing. When I get done snagging me Sheila I wipe my dick off on the curtains and she goes through the fucking roof! "
The Frenchman says "after I make zee love to my woman, I gently kiss her on zee neck and she floats an inch above the sheets in ecstasy!"
The Italian says: "thats a nothing! After I make-a love to my Bella Donna, I tickle under the chin and she rises one foot above the bed!"
The Aussie say: "you lot got nothing. When I get done snagging me Sheila I wipe my dick off on the curtains and she goes through the fucking roof! "
Little Johnny comes home and asks mum "can I take teacher apart?" Mum says "what?" Little Johnny repeats "can I take teacher apart?" Mum say's "I don't know what you mean".
Johnny says "I heard dad talking about it yesterday when he picked me up from school"
Mum says "what did he say?"
Johnny says. " I heard dad tell Mr. Davies that he was going to screw the ass off Miss Crenshaw"
Johnny says "I heard dad talking about it yesterday when he picked me up from school"
Mum says "what did he say?"
Johnny says. " I heard dad tell Mr. Davies that he was going to screw the ass off Miss Crenshaw"
A guy picks up a chick at a bar and takes her home. Both a little drunk, they move to the bedroom where the light is turned down low. After a couple minutes of action he says with annoyance “ Girl, your tits are too small and your pussy is way too tight!” She replies, “ Hey, get off my back!”
Guy meets a cougar type woman at a bar, after a few drinks, she says, have you ever had a menage et trois? you know, mother and daughter. Guy gets excited, no, he said. She says how would you like to try it tonight. Guy says sure, so off they go to her house, when inside they go upstairs towards the bedroom and the guy is so excited he starts taking his pants off as his lady friend opens the bedroom door and says Mother Are You Still Awake???
OK I don't think the ladies are gonna like this one:
Guy meets a cougar type lady at a bar. After a few drinks, he says "Have you ever had a Rodeo Fuck?"
She smiles and says "No, but I'm certainly interested, cowboy!"
They go back to his place, and after a couple more drinks he takes her up to his bedroom. They get undressed and into the bed. He tells her to get on her hands and knees, doggy style.
Then he puts on a cowboy hat, sticks his dick deep in her pussy from behind, grabs a healthy handful of her hair, leans over, and whispers in her ear "You're the ugliest bitch I've ever fucked!". And then he hangs on for dear life...
Guy meets a cougar type lady at a bar. After a few drinks, he says "Have you ever had a Rodeo Fuck?"
She smiles and says "No, but I'm certainly interested, cowboy!"
They go back to his place, and after a couple more drinks he takes her up to his bedroom. They get undressed and into the bed. He tells her to get on her hands and knees, doggy style.
Then he puts on a cowboy hat, sticks his dick deep in her pussy from behind, grabs a healthy handful of her hair, leans over, and whispers in her ear "You're the ugliest bitch I've ever fucked!". And then he hangs on for dear life...
I'm deathly afraid of becoming a Rodney Dangerfield joke: "my wife installed a mirror over our bed, she says she likes to watch herself laugh".
Oh boy.
Well, if we can laugh at the JAP jokes… alls fair in love and raunchy sêx jokes. 
Dude is walking down the street when he passes an alley and guy standing there says "ever get a bj from a dog?"
Dude says "a dog? no way I don't believe you".
Guy says "absolutely true, only $40."
Dude is getting horny so says "OK I gotta see this."
They go down the alley and there is a german shepherd sitting there.
Guy says "Take out your cock, so dude takes it out.
Guy says "ok Rex suck it" Dog just sits there.
Dude says "I knew it was BS, I.m leaving".
Guy says "ok Rex I'm only going to show you how to do it one more time."
Dude says "a dog? no way I don't believe you".
Guy says "absolutely true, only $40."
Dude is getting horny so says "OK I gotta see this."
They go down the alley and there is a german shepherd sitting there.
Guy says "Take out your cock, so dude takes it out.
Guy says "ok Rex suck it" Dog just sits there.
Dude says "I knew it was BS, I.m leaving".
Guy says "ok Rex I'm only going to show you how to do it one more time."
Two gay guys are walking past a morgue, one turns to the other and says "Want to go in and suck back a few cold ones?"
Little Johnny told his teacher "You will be happy to hear I got all my math homework done!"
The teacher asks little Johnny "Ok, pop quiz, there are three crows on a fence you shoot 1, how many are on the fence?"
"None, says little Johnny, 1 is dead on the ground and the other two flew away."
Teacher says, "Not really the answer I was looking for, but I like the way you think."
Little Johnny says to the teacher, "There are three women on a bench eating ice cream, 1 is licking hers, 1 is sliding hers in and out of her mouth and the last is biting hers, which one is married?"
Teacher says "That's a tough one, I would guess the one sliding hers in and out of her mouth."
Little Johnny says, " Actually it's the one with the wedding ring, but I like the way you think"
The teacher asks little Johnny "Ok, pop quiz, there are three crows on a fence you shoot 1, how many are on the fence?"
"None, says little Johnny, 1 is dead on the ground and the other two flew away."
Teacher says, "Not really the answer I was looking for, but I like the way you think."
Little Johnny says to the teacher, "There are three women on a bench eating ice cream, 1 is licking hers, 1 is sliding hers in and out of her mouth and the last is biting hers, which one is married?"
Teacher says "That's a tough one, I would guess the one sliding hers in and out of her mouth."
Little Johnny says, " Actually it's the one with the wedding ring, but I like the way you think"
A guy walks into a clock shop, walks up to the girl behind the counter and yanks down his pnts.
The girl behind the counter says "I'm sorry sir, I think you misread our sign, this is a CLOCK shop!"
The man says "I know!", pointing at his cock he says "I want two hands and a face on this right a way!"
The girl behind the counter says "I'm sorry sir, I think you misread our sign, this is a CLOCK shop!"
The man says "I know!", pointing at his cock he says "I want two hands and a face on this right a way!"
Jim Norton said this morning:
The Paul brothers are paying $20 million to have Kanye West and Pete Davidson eat each other's assholes.
The Paul brothers are paying $20 million to have Kanye West and Pete Davidson eat each other's assholes.
