Your fave Terrible Sêx Joke

[eddie kerr]

Guy visiting Asia wakes up one morning with a sore aching cock after a night on the town, decides to go to the doctor. After the examination the doctor says i am afraid you have Hong Kong Gone.
Oh no says the guy, do you mean you will have to amputate? Oh no says the doctor, pretty soon it will fall off all by itself.

 

[y2kmark]

Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra.

The police are on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.

Tried that once. The blue pill got stuck in my throat and all I got was a stiff neck...

 

[y2kmark]

Being Jewish I can tell these:

Q: What's the difference between a Jewish American Princess (JAP)and Jello?
A: Jello wiggles when you eat it!

Q: What's the difference between a JAP and a bowling ball?
A: You can only get three fingers into a bowling ball.

Q: Why does a JAP close her eyes during sex?
A: She can't stand to see her husband having fun.

Q: What's the difference between a JAP and a bowling ball? (version 2)
A; If you really really had to, you could eat the bowling ball!

Q: What's the typical Jewish husband's version of foreplay?
A: Fifteen minutes of begging...

Q: What happens when a Jewish guy walks into a brick wall with a full erection?
A: He breaks his nose!

I know Ladies and gentlemen of the Hebrew persuasion have long and extensive tradition of humor, but why do you have to be Jewish to tell a good joke?
BTW, I invite any ladies of that religious tradition (or any other, for that matter) to join me to see if we can prove the first statement wrong...

 

[anon1]

How do you get a nun pregnant?


Dress her up as an altar boy.

 

[_Melissa]

Here’s a longer joke:

2 men are waiting in line at heavens gates waiting for judgement. One man turns to the other:

Man 1: So how did you die?

Man 2: I froze to death how about you?

Man 1: I caught my wife cheating and had a heart attack.

Man 2: Wow that sucks! What happened?

Man 1: Well I suspected my wife was cheating so one day I came home from work early and saw his shoes at the door. I started yelling and searching for the bastard. I ran up to the bedroom, no one was there. I ran to the the bathroom. Nothing. Ran to the kitchen, then downstairs to the basement and back up again to search the living room. Didn’t find anybody. Then I ran to the attic to find no one there either. By the time I ran back downstairs I had a heart attack and died.

Man 2: *Laughs* Wow how ironic!

Man 1: Why is that funny?

Man 2: Well when you were in the kitchen if you had just taken the time to check the deep freezer we would both still be alive!

 

[stinkynuts]

A little boy walked into his parents having sex. Shocked, he asked them what they were doing, and why his Dad's "pee pee" was inside his mother's private parts.

"Well, Johnny, when your dad puts it inside, I get a new baby inside of me. That is how you were born."

"I see, Mommy."

A week later, Johnny again caught his parents having sex. Only this time, his mother was giving his father a blowjob.

"Mommy, what do you get when Daddy puts it inside your mouth?"

The mother thought for a moment, and replied, "Jewelry."

 

[onomatopoeia]

It was, in deed, a moving experience, when the cannibal's brother came out.

 

[onomatopoeia]

From the TV series Good God: The worst part about being an Orthodox Jew is having to carry a sheet with a hole in it around in your wallet.

 

[onomatopoeia]

A blonde guy is working in the booth at a parking lot. An old cougar approaches him, smiles, and whispers "I've got an itchy pussy...". The blonde guy says "You'll have to point it out to me, lady, those Japanese sports cars all look the same to me".

 

[onomatopoeia]

A golfer goes into the 19th hole with a big purple 'mouse' on his forehead. He orders a double scotch, neat. The bartender says "What happened, did you get hit with a ball?" The golfer says, "No, much worse. I made my tee shot on 17, and sliced the ball way off to the left, into the farmer's field. I looked for that ball for twenty minutes; I had a chance to break 80, and I couldn't afford to lose the strokes. Then this cow walked by, her tail went up, and I see a golf ball lodged in the cow's vagina. I go over and take a look, and it's a Dunlop 65. I'm shooting a Titleist 2. Then this lady comes over, and says she lost her ball, too. I asked her what she was shooting, and she says 'a Dunlop 65'. So I went up to the cow, lifted up her tail, and said 'this one looks like yours, lady'. She hit me with a five iron".

 

[bemeup]

What do you call a Mexican woman with no legs? Consuelo.

 

[jimidean2011]

What's the difference between a pussy and a freezer? The freezer doesn't fart when you pull out the meat.

 

[anonemouse]

What's the difference between a circus and a chorus line?

A circus is a cunning array of stunts......

 

[Robert Mugabe]

Guy visiting Asia wakes up one morning with a sore aching cock after a night on the town, decides to go to the doctor. After the examination the doctor says i am afraid you have Hong Kong Gone.
Oh no says the guy, do you mean you will have to amputate? Oh no says the doctor, pretty soon it will fall off all by itself.

Two elderly gents overheard in a club. " I knew him well. He got the VC in Hong Kong you know......or at least I think that's what his brother said....

 

[Robert Mugabe]

What is Welsh Rarebit? A virgin from Cardiff
Alimony. The screw you get for the screw you got.
Chivalry. A man protecting a woman from everybody for himself.

 

[y2kmark]

For some reason I don't find the breaking nose joke that funny, sigh...

Everyone's a critic!...

 

[y2kmark]

Guy meets a cougar type woman at a bar, after a few drinks, she says, have you ever had a menage et trois? you know, mother and daughter. Guy gets excited, no, he said. She says how would you like to try it tonight. Guy says sure, so off they go to her house, when inside they go upstairs towards the bedroom and the guy is so excited he starts taking his pants off as his lady friend opens the bedroom door and says Mother Are You Still Awake???

True classic. Mother/daughter is a "sportsman's double" BTW. The best setup line is "ever have a sportsman's double?"...

 

[y2kmark]

Ok. In the dark ages before the internet a newly liberated woman was thoroughly fed up with men, except for that one thing. She places a classified ad in a "Lonely Hearts" Mag:
Reasonably attractive WF looking for a gentleman who is not going to beat me or run around on me as I have jumped off that merry go round. Must be a terrific lover.
A week later the doorbell rings. She goes to the door and looks out, at first seeing nothing. The gentleman clears is throat slightly and she looks down. At the door is a man with no arms or legs.
"Oh, sir" she exclaims, "what can I do for you??"
"I'm here in answer to your add" He replied. As you can see, without legs I could never run around on you.
And with no arms I can't very well beat you, can I?"
"Well, OK, but what about being a terrific lover??"


"I rang the doorbell, didn't I?..."

 

[poker]

Tried that once. The blue pill got stuck in my throat and all I got was a stiff neck...

I used a pill for birth control. I put it in my shoe. It made me limp.

 

[Boss Nass]