A wife texts her husband on a cold winter morning, “Windows frozen, won’t open.” The husband texts back, “Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and tap the edges with a hammer.” The wife texts back five minutes later, “Computer really messed up now.”
She: “Honey, I don’t like you with the new glasses on.”
He: “But sweetheart, I don’t wear any glasses.”
She: “True, but I do.”
Knock, Knock!
Who’s there?
Honey bee!
Honey bee who?
Honey bee a dear and get me a beer!
Police Inspector: Why didn’t you report your stolen credit card?
Husband: The thief was spending less than my wife.
Inspector: Then why are you reporting it now?
Husband: I think now the thief’s wife has started using it
I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me. She said yes. She fantasizes about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.