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onomatopoeia

Bzzzzz.......Doink
Jul 3, 2020
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Cabbagetown
This story was told to me by Wayne Vansant, a comic book artist who specializes in war comics.

Wayne was driving on a dirt road in rural Georgia, looking for the home of a friend of his. He spotted a local, and asked for directions to so-and-so's home. The man told him to continue on the road for about a mile, then turn left just past a tire he would see by the side of the road.

Wayne drove for five miles, but didn't see a tire, so he turned around, and drove back. After about four miles, he noticed a water tower beside the road, and he turned right just before it, and was at his friend's house in about a minute.

On the way back home, he saw the local man again, thanked him for the directions, but told him that he had been looking for a tower, not a tire, and Wayne pointed to one of the tires on his car. The local became very angry, and told Wayne "Ah dident say tar !".
 

Jubee

Well-known member
May 29, 2016
4,471
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Ontario
Shaq told the biggest joke of the season to The Joker's face. At the time the Minnesota Timberwolves were up 2-0 in their playoff round against the Denver Nuggets.


Rudy Gobert is the best defensive player in the NBA.

Shaq is such a low class piece of shit for saying what he said during Jokic's MVP announcement, Mr. Sensitive.
He really can't stand that Jokic is being called one of the all time greats and Jokic's stats back it all up.

Did you also notice Shaq wasn't at the desk for game 5 when Jokic had that legendary game? That was convenient.
This series between the Wolves and the Nuggets is the Finals for me, it's so good.
 

bazokajoe

Well-known member
Nov 6, 2010
9,975
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bemeup

Well-known member
Nov 12, 2010
2,148
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Two guys were standing beside each other at a crowded party.
First guy “ you see that woman across the room in the blue dress?”
Second guy “yes I see her.”
First guy “ that’s my wife. Isn’t she gorgeous?”
Second guy “ well, if you think she’s gorgeous, you should see my wife.”
First guy “why, is she gorgeous too?”
Second guy “no, she’s an optometrist.”
 

The Mechanic

Active member
Jan 5, 2007
265
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A wife texts her husband on a cold winter morning, “Windows frozen, won’t open.” The husband texts back, “Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and tap the edges with a hammer.” The wife texts back five minutes later, “Computer really messed up now.”



She: “Honey, I don’t like you with the new glasses on.”

He: “But sweetheart, I don’t wear any glasses.”

She: “True, but I do.”



Knock, Knock!

Who’s there?

Honey bee!

Honey bee who?

Honey bee a dear and get me a soda!



Police Inspector: Why didn’t you report your stolen credit card?

Husband: The thief was spending less than my wife.

Inspector: Then why are you reporting it now?

Husband: I think now the thief’s wife has started using it



I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me. She said yes. She fantasizes about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.



Judge: Why did you hit your husband with a chair?

Wife: The table was too heavy.



I play the world’s most dangerous sport.

I disagree with my wife.



How does a homosexual fake his orgasm?

Pores warm yogurt on your back
 
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y2kmark

Class of 69...
May 19, 2002
19,064
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Lewiston, NY
The last two really didn't cut it, so I Offer the following alternatives:

· Why are pirates called pirates? ............. because they are

A pirate walks into a bar and orders a drink.
The bartender says "Sir, I couldn't help noticing you have a steering wheel sticking out of the fly in your trousers"
To which he replied: "Arrr! It's drivin' me nuts!!!"


· An Irishman walks out of a bar .................
An American, an Englishman and an Irishman walk into a bar and order beer. The bartender bring three mugs, each with a fly in it - I'm sure everyone
's heard the rest...
 

Insidious Von

My head is my home
Sep 12, 2007
40,024
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When he's not busting Gordon Ramsay's balls, Gino D'Acampo gets jiggy with English cuisine.

 

xmontrealer

Well-known member
May 23, 2005
10,102
7,501
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Here's an old one from Season 1 of Chicago Med:

What's the difference between a doctor and God?

God doesn't think he's a doctor...
 

onomatopoeia

Bzzzzz.......Doink
Jul 3, 2020
21,552
17,402
113
Cabbagetown
Today I was standing in an 'unstructured' line, and behind me was an old Black man, probably almost 80. A second Black man with medium dark complexion approached from the side, intending to go through the line towards a different room. He gruffly said "Can I pass?".

When he was gone, I turned to the older man behind me and said "He can't pass. Everyone knows he's Black.", and the old man thought that was REALLY funny.
 
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