Dude, all joking aside, here is some serious advice for you. I had an ex-GF whose sister was schizophrenic. She was mostly harmless, but sometimes got herself into serious trouble. It is a disease that starts out slow and gradually has a worsening effect on people--she just got less and less normal as the years go by. She came up with and believed strange theories, lived her life according to very arbitrary rules, and saw direct connections between absolutely unrelated events.
You sound like her.
A lot like her.
For your own sake, and for the sake of your family, seek mental health assistance. I can't tell you for sure from online that you are schizophrenic, and I am not a doctor so I couldn't even tell you in that person--but you sure sound schizophrenic to me, and I mean that as an honest assessment, it is not an insult.
Get help. You need it.