While walking past Seaton House, I thought to myself, this is where little boys end up, when they don't eat their peas.
Jokes of the day
- Thread starter thirdcup
- Start date
Nathan, or Nate was good at his job at the snack bar. The students at the uni could always count on him to make personalized sandwiches in the middle of the night.
One day the suits decided Nate was costing the uni too much, so they replaced him with vending machines. The suits explained that now, the students only had pull the lever, and the vending machine would give them a sandwich. However, the levers did not always work. Or the sandwiches were often sold out,
The students were not happy. They protested, and the suits listened. They got rid of the vending machines, and hired Nate back.
The moral of the story is ..... better Nate than lever!
One day the suits decided Nate was costing the uni too much, so they replaced him with vending machines. The suits explained that now, the students only had pull the lever, and the vending machine would give them a sandwich. However, the levers did not always work. Or the sandwiches were often sold out,
The students were not happy. They protested, and the suits listened. They got rid of the vending machines, and hired Nate back.
The moral of the story is ..... better Nate than lever!
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The Sick Kids Lottery, this I don't get. Why would somebody want to win a sick kid?
Reminds me of a joke I heard a comedian say about 25 years ago: “ I just did a benefit show and at the end of the show the emcee announced “ Congratulations, we have raised over a million dollars for Ronald McDonald House”, and I thought, just how big a house does that orange-haired freak need!”
Trump dies from the virus. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do.
I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." Trump thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.
The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over, such was his fate in Hell. "No!" Trump said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long." The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented Trump.
The Devil opened a third door. In it, Trump saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Trump looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."
The Devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!"
I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." Trump thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.
The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over, such was his fate in Hell. "No!" Trump said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long." The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented Trump.
The Devil opened a third door. In it, Trump saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Trump looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."
The Devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!"
A doctor goes to Dicks Bar and Grill every day at 5 o'clock everyday after work and has an almond daiquiri before going home. It has become routine so Dick is always ready with it.
One day as Dick is preparing the drink he realizes he is out of almonds so he substitutes a hickory nut.
At 5 o'clock the doctor walks in sits down and Dick puts the drink in front of him., and the doctor takes a sip.
"Is this an almond daiquiri Dick" he says
"No, it's a hickory daiquiri Doc."
One day as Dick is preparing the drink he realizes he is out of almonds so he substitutes a hickory nut.
At 5 o'clock the doctor walks in sits down and Dick puts the drink in front of him., and the doctor takes a sip.
"Is this an almond daiquiri Dick" he says
"No, it's a hickory daiquiri Doc."
A week ago this would have been really dated, but now he's b-a-a-ck.
What's the difference between a Cadillac Escalade and a golf ball?
Tiger woods can drive a golf ball 400 yards...
What's the difference between a Cadillac Escalade and a golf ball?
Tiger woods can drive a golf ball 400 yards...
Around the time that Monica became famous, she brought another dress to the dry cleaners. She asked to have it ready by Saturday, and the woman behind the counter, who was slightly hard of hearing said “come again”. Monica replied “no, this time it’s tartar sauce.”
Q: What did they find in Monica Lewinsky's purse?
A: A wad of Bill's.
A: A wad of Bill's.
Here's my shaggy dog story. Father O'Malley was about to start his Sunday service when he noticed Sean Murphy enter the rear of the church and take a seat. Murphy was a well known ner do well and hadn't been attending mass since before Fr. O'Malley became parish priest.
As soon as the service was concluded he hurried to the rear of the church to greet the exiting worshipers - he really wanted to speak with Mr Murphy.
"Sean, I'm really pleased to see you here, and I'm sure the lord is as well. What caused you to come and join us today?
Well Father, I haven't been to confession in a long time, but I have to admit to you, it's about me hat. You see I've had that hat most of my adult life, but somehow I went and lost it. So, father, I went to see what a new hat would cost (way beyond both means and expectations) and who should walk in but Seamus McGlinn and he bought the very same hat.
Seamus is one of our most steadfast parishioners, go on.
Well, Father I knew McGlinn would be here this Sunday and I counted on him wearing the hat. As you know all the men entering the vestibule hang up their hats before going into Mass. Well, I was thinkin' to meself that I could come in with the crowd, sit in back, and duck out after the sermon to nick McGlinn's hat.
But Sean, Seamus has already left and he was letting everyone know how proud he was of his new hat.
Well, Father, it was during your sermon on the 10 Commandments that I decided not to steal Seamus' hat."
His turn to be proud, Father O'Malley asked:
"It was the part about "Thou Shalt Not Steal" wasn't it?
Well no Father, it was when you got to "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" that I remembered where I left me hat..."
As soon as the service was concluded he hurried to the rear of the church to greet the exiting worshipers - he really wanted to speak with Mr Murphy.
"Sean, I'm really pleased to see you here, and I'm sure the lord is as well. What caused you to come and join us today?
Well Father, I haven't been to confession in a long time, but I have to admit to you, it's about me hat. You see I've had that hat most of my adult life, but somehow I went and lost it. So, father, I went to see what a new hat would cost (way beyond both means and expectations) and who should walk in but Seamus McGlinn and he bought the very same hat.
Seamus is one of our most steadfast parishioners, go on.
Well, Father I knew McGlinn would be here this Sunday and I counted on him wearing the hat. As you know all the men entering the vestibule hang up their hats before going into Mass. Well, I was thinkin' to meself that I could come in with the crowd, sit in back, and duck out after the sermon to nick McGlinn's hat.
But Sean, Seamus has already left and he was letting everyone know how proud he was of his new hat.
Well, Father, it was during your sermon on the 10 Commandments that I decided not to steal Seamus' hat."
His turn to be proud, Father O'Malley asked:
"It was the part about "Thou Shalt Not Steal" wasn't it?
Well no Father, it was when you got to "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" that I remembered where I left me hat..."
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A blonde and a brunette worked in a factory. The brunette says, "I know how to get some time off from work!" "How?" asks the blonde. "Watch this," says the brunette. She climbs up to the rafter and hangs upside down. The boss walks in, sees her and says, "What on earth are you doing?" "I'm a lightbulb," she answers. "I think you need some time off," says the boss so she jumps down and walks out. The blonde starts walking out, too. "Where are YOU going?" says the boss. The blonde replies, "I can't work in the dark!"
Two blonde girls are working on a jigsaw puzzle. When they put the last piece in place, they high five each other, and say "Thirty-seven days!". A guy asks them why they said thirty-seven days, and one blonde says "We finished that puzzle in only thirty-seven days, and on the box it says 3-5 years!".
Q: What's the address of O.J. Simpson's website?
A: Slash, Slash, Backslash, Escape.
A: Slash, Slash, Backslash, Escape.
Two guys are standing next to each other at a urinal. The first guy says "Pardon me, but I couldn't help noticing that you're circumcised. I bet that must have hurt". The other guy says "I was only a few days old when they did it, so I don't remember the pain, but I didn't walk for a year".
Q-What did OJ Simpson say to Nicole Brown just before he killed her?
"A-Your waiter will be with you shortly!"
"A-Your waiter will be with you shortly!"
