Jokes of the day

[onomatopoeia]

A little girl is meeting a man's un-neutered male cat for the first time. The man explains that the cat doesn't like other male cats, mice and birds. He likes female cats and people, especially girls.
Little girl: "How does he know I'm a girl?".
Man: 'The same way as Multiple Miggs, in the cell next to Hannibal Lecter".

 

[onomatopoeia]

About twenty years ago, I lived in a boarding house for a while. The building had two floors, with a large window facing south between floors. There was a two foot wide sill below the window. One of the other tenamts in the building was a very tall black guy named ****, who had once been a high school basketball star. We had a friendly business relationship; he would borrow money from me, and I didn't charge him interest, but I'd take one of his CDs as collateral, until he paid me back. One sunny afternoon, I saw **** taking a nap on the window sill, so I sneaked up silently towards him. When I got close, I reached out and grasped the end of his foot. He awakened suddenly, and yelled "Hey! What are you doing?", so I released my grip, and said "Eenie meenie minee moe".

 

[shack]

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

 

[shack]

An elderly priest invited a young rabbi over for dinner. During the meal, the young rabbi couldn't help noticing how attractive and shapely the housekeeper was. Over the course of the evening he began to wonder if there might be more between the elderly priest and the housekeeper than met the eye. Reading the young rabbi's thoughts, the elderly priest volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional."

About a week later the housekeeper came to the elderly priest and said, "Father, ever since your young rabbi friend came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful sterling silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it do you?" The priest said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write him a letter just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Rabbi: I'm not saying that you DID take a sterling silver gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you DIDN'T take it. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here."

Several days later the elderly priest received a letter from the young rabbi which read: "Dear Father: I'm not saying that you DO sleep with your housekeeper, and I'm not saying that you DON'T sleep with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own bed, you would have found the gravy ladle by now."

 

[y2kmark]

A state trooper pulled over a pickup truck on Interstate 65.
The trooper asked "got any ID?"
The driver replied "bout whut?"

 

[y2kmark]

The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice. He decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said,
"Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000 minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought for a moment and then replied. "Everything but my earrings."...

 

[Problem_child]

Dad: “Son , if you keep jerking off your going to go blind.”
Son: “Dad , I’m over here ! ” ......bit of a lousy joke I know , but that’s all I got for now

 

[onomatopoeia]

Q: What do you get when you cross a Teamster and a Hell's Angel?
A: A black eye, two broken teeth, and tire tracks across your legs.

 

[onomatopoeia]

An Emo Phillips joke:

I was sitting in a movie theatre, and a man came up to me and said "Excuse me, but is this seat saved?", so I told him "If Aquinas ascertained that an animal has no soul, what less chance would an inanimate object such as a chair have of attaining salvation?

 

[onomatopoeia]

What if William Shakespeare had been a mathematician? Two be or not two be, those are the square roots of four be squared.

 

[onomatopoeia]

In Las Vegas, a cocktail waitress is walking by the craps table when a Texan says to her "Excuse me ma'am, but could I please have a piece of ass?". She says to him "You know, I've been doing this job for eleven years, and on a bad bay, I get propositioned a dozen times, but no one's ever been quite that blunt. Well, you're kind of cute, and I'm about to go on break, so why not?". She takes him by the hand, leads him to an empty room, and they have sex. Afterwards, she says "So, how was it?" and he says "That was right kindly of you ma'am, but my drink's getting warm. Could I have that piece of ass?".

 

[thirdcup]

More Emo

A computer beat me at chess. But it was no match for me at kick boxing.

I was the imaginary friend of the boy next door.

Every night I prayed for a new bicycle, but it was fruitless. Then I realized God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bicycle and requested forgiveness.

 

[y2kmark]

A guy from Georgia came running into the store and said to his buddy:
"Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"
Bubba replied "Did y'all see who it was?"
The young man answered. "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."...

 

[onomatopoeia]

The viral joke:

Q: What's Victoria's Secret?
A: Chlamydia.

Some people are exposed to the joke, and they don't get it. Some people are exposed to the joke, and they keep it to themselves. Other people are exposed to the joke, and they spread it all around. If someone asks you the joke, give them the answer, and say "Everyone knows that", and if you see someone walking around with the pink shopping bag, point at them and say "Advertising!".

 

[onomatopoeia]

A talk show host is filming a promo for that night's broadcast. Standing next to him are a man in a purple dinosaur suit, a Greek New Age musician, and a seven foot tall Italian basketball player. The host says "Join me tonight, when my guests will be Barney, Yanni, and Andrea Bargnani".

 

[unassuming]

There were these three mice and they were really bored one day, so they decided to play a game. The first mouse said to the others “Lets all split up and go looking for whatever kinds of cheese we can find. The one with the best kind of cheese wins.” So the mice went looking and then all met up after. The first mouse proudly holds up his cheese and says “I got cheddar cheese” And the other two screamed “yahoo!!!Cheddar!!” The second mouse said “Well, I got Mozzerella!” And the other two screamed “Yahoo!!! Mozzerella!!” And the
third one holds up his cheese and said proudly “Well, I got Nacho Cheese.”

The other two mice looked at him kinda funny and said “Whats so good about nacho cheese?” The third mouse said “ I don’t know, but the guy that was chasing me after I took it kept screaming after me ‘that’s not yo’ cheese! that’s not yo’ cheese!!’”

 

[downbound123]

White goes into a washroom for a leak and standing next to him at the other urinal is a very big black guy. The white decides to sneak a peek to check out if the rumour is true about black guys. The black guy catches him and says, it's 8" long, 3 " around, each ball weighs 2 lbs, Ben Brown. White guy faints and when he comes to he says "What happened?" Black says "I saw you sneaking a peek so I said it's 8" long, 3 inches around, each ball weighs 2 lbs and Ben Brown is my name.
White guys says "Thank god I thought you said Bend down."

 

[unassuming]

Wayne Gretzky was getting amorous with Janet Jones, when she said, "I'm on my period", to which he replied, "Your pussy is so beautiful, I want to to eat you out, don't mind the blood at all!". After going down on her a while, and there's blood every where, she says "Messy eh?", to which he replied, "No, Gretzky!".

 

[JeanGary Diablo]

One evening, a very posh looking older gentleman dressed in a tailored suit, silk tie and highly polished black shoes walks into a high-end French restaurant and orders the very best and most expensive selections on the menu along with a vintage bottle of red wine.

At the end of the meal he was presented with the bill.

He said to the waiter, “I don't know if you remember, but many, many years ago I was quite down on my luck, but I had a meal here and when it came time to pay, I couldn't, and you publicly humiliated me by getting security to march me through the restaurant and throw me out into the street.”

Indeed, the waiter remembered the incident, blushed and apologised to the man most profusely.

The gentleman replied, “Don't worry, old chap, I’m just so terribly sorry I'm going to have to ask you to do it again."

 

[y2kmark]

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it up to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what hair he had left. "Amazing" he thought as he flew down I-95 pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper , blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm to old for this!" and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behing him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding - a reason I've never heard, - I'll let you go."
The old genlemen paused, then said, "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day sir" replied the trooper...