Jokes of the day

downbound123

Well-known member
Jul 10, 2017
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A guy is walking through a cemetery when he sees a man kneeling in front of a headstone crying and moaning "Why did you have to die? I used to be happy, waking up every morning anxious to see what the new day would bring and all the adventures I would have. But you died!!! Why???"
The guy walks over and says " I am so sorry for your loss, who died"
"my wife's first husband" he wailed.
 
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y2kmark

Class of 69...
May 19, 2002
19,045
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Lewiston, NY
Q: Why did the gay man's butt stink?
A: His gerbil passed and wasn't passed.
Reminds me. What's the difference between a gay man and a refrigerator.
The refrigerator doesn't fart when you take the meat out...
 

JeanGary Diablo

Well-known member
Aug 5, 2017
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The night before the marriage of Prince Charles to Lady Diana, Charles goes out for a stag night with his friends and his brothers and gets absolutely shit-faced drunk.

The next morning he has no memory of what happened, but he has a raging hangover. Suddenly, he remembers he's supposed to be at Westminster Abbey for his wedding.

He rushes around getting on his coat and tails, but he can’t find his shoes anywhere. Then, suddenly, he spots Prince Edward’s shoes, so he grabs those quickly and puts them on. Edward’s shoes are two sizes too small and they are crushing his feet, but he has no choice: he rushes to get the car and go to the service to marry Lady Diana.

Well, the service is agony for him. He is severely hungover and wearing shoes two sizes too small. But he limps through the ceremony, and he limps through the reception, and finally they get to the end of the day and he retires to Kensington Palace with his new bride at the end of the day.

Princess Diana goes into the bathroom to make herself ready for her big night, and Charles finally has a moment to himself.

Unbeknownst to Charles, the Queen and the Duke of Edinburgh have their concerns to make sure that Charles does his royal duty on his wedding night. So they go to the room next door and listen intently at the wall.

At this exact moment Charles is trying to pull off the first one of Edward’s shoes.

“Oh, Jesus Christ, I cannot believe how tight that is -- bloody hell, arrrrrrrrrgggggghhhh! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…. that’s better.”

The Queen and the Duke of Edinburgh look at each other, and then the Queen smiles regally. “You see, Philip, I told you she was a virgin!”

Then Charles starts working on the other shoe.

“Shit, OH MY GOD, I don’t believe it. This one is even tighter!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

The Queen and the Duke of Edinburgh look at each other again, and Philip cackles: “That’s my boy! Once a sailor, always a sailor!!!!!”
 
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Robert Mugabe

Well-known member
Nov 5, 2017
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Not really my joke but I was youtubing last night and found out it has been 11 years since Greg Giraldo died. Loved that guy
This joke killed. Town in Indonesia.
 
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y2kmark

Class of 69...
May 19, 2002
19,045
5,431
113
Lewiston, NY
I finally got 8 hours of sleep. Took three days, but what the hell...
 

onomatopoeia

Bzzzzz.......Doink
Jul 3, 2020
21,614
17,439
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Cabbagetown
At the swimming pool, a little kid is flailing around in the deep end, calling for help. The lifeguard is just sitting there, reading a book. A parent says "Hey lifeguard, that kid's drowning. Jump in and save him!". The lifeguard says "Sorry, but I can't swim". The parent says "How the hell did you get this job, if you can't swim?". The lifeguard says "I'm bilingual".
 
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downbound123

Well-known member
Jul 10, 2017
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eno tuo fo 01nem era cixelsyd.
 

MissCroft

Sweetie Pie
Feb 23, 2004
7,125
883
113
Toronto
In honour of 4/20 today....


A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, "Hey, Koala! What are you doing?"

The koala said, "Smoking a joint, come up and have some." So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a couple joints. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was dry, and he was going to get a drink from the river. However, the little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river.

A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. He asked the little lizard, "What's the matter with you?"

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree and smoking a joint but got too stoned and fell into the river when he was going to get a drink.

The crocodile said that he had to check this out, walked into the rain forest, and found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint.

The crocodile looked up and said, "Hey you!"

So the koala looked down at him and said, "Shit, dude... How much water did you drink?" :)
 
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onomatopoeia

Bzzzzz.......Doink
Jul 3, 2020
21,614
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Cabbagetown
Nobody is sure if this is a true story, or an urban legend, but I first read about it in The Book of Lists.

Claude Pepper, (1900-1989), was a Democratic politician in Florida and a member of the US House of Representatives from 1963 until his death. In a campaign speech before 1950 elections, Pepper's opponent, George Smathers, allegedly told an audience of bumpkins that incumbent Pepper was “a known extrovert,” practiced “celibacy” before marriage, practiced “nepotism” with his sister-in-law, “matriculated” with women in college, that his sister was “a thespian” and his brother “a practicing homo sapiens.”

Smathers carried the rustic vote and won the election.
 
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