Very Ominous

[thumper18474]

I took a walk last night in the neighborhood
Walked past an Apple Pie
Ice cream Sundae...and an Lemon Cheesecake..!
I thought to myself
The streets seem strangely desserted!

 

[Mr Deeds]

I went to the psychologist and told her I was dreams about teepees and wigwams all the time. She's says that's easy your too tents

 

[SchlongConery]

I went to the psychologist and told her I was dreams about teepees and wigwams all the time. She's says that's easy your too tents

My Doctor told me I had hypochondria.

Fuck! Not that too!

 

[Meesh]

I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage. The sign said it was bread in captivity.

 

[SchlongConery]

I took a walk last night in the neighborhood
Walked past an Apple Pie
Ice cream Sundae...and an Lemon Cheesecake..!
I thought to myself
The streets seem strangely desserted!

DoH!!

I just got it!

Nicely done.

 

[MissCroft]

Cleaning mirrors is a job I could really see myself doing.

 

[Lilo Brancata]

I had an unusual dental related problem recently. About a month ago I had to have a small steel plate inserted in my mouth to replace some missing teeth. A week later I noticed the plate was starting to rust. My dentist asked me if I had made a change in my eating or drinking habits that may have caused the problem. I explained that I had recently developed a fondness for eggs Benedict, and ate it every day. The dentist advised that the solution was to remove the steel plate and replace it with a chrome plate. When I asked why, the dentist replied, "There is no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"

 

[thumper18474]

Apples Trillion dollar valuation is equal to the GDP of the State of Florida..but that's just comparing..
Apples to Oranges

 

[NotADcotor]

I found this hot chick tied to the railroad tracks, I untied her, and brought her back home where we had some great sex.
Never did get a blow job though, couldn't find her head.

Yo Mama so fat she has more chins than a Chinese phonebook

Your mother is so obese that when she sits around the finely appointed Tuscan villa she sits *around* the finely appointed Tuscan villa.

 

[thumper18474]

Got kicked out of the Kareoke bar last night for singing Danger Zone 5 times!
Apparently I exceeded the maximum number of Loggins attempts!

 

[thumper18474]

During a job interview I was asked
How would you describe yourself?
My response:
Verbally..but I do have an interpretive dance I could show you...

 

[thumper18474]

Last night I went to a Comedy and philosophy show...
I laughed more than I thought !

 

[thumper18474]

Last night I was in the recliner..naked as usual watching a movie drinking my beer and eating Doritos ...minding my own business..and those fuckers at Walmart called the cops again!

 

[SchlongConery]

Last night I was in the recliner..naked as usual watching a movie drinking my beer and eating Doritos ...minding my own business..and those fuckers at Walmart called the cops again!

Similar thing happened to my ex-gf and I picking fruit. Not allowed in that Loblaws anymore.

 

[Robert Mugabe]

Piece of rope gets denied entrance to a night club. Doorman tells him "we don't allow pieces of rope in here".
Not to be discouraged, the piece of rope goes round the corner and ties a knot in his midriff section and rubs it vigorously against a brick wall for a minute and then goes back to the night club. Doorman says "aren't you that piece of rope that was trying to get in here a minute ago?"
The piece of rope says "No. I'm a frayed not".

 

[Robert Mugabe]

A guy I know found out his son was dyslexic. Which was a bit of a double whammy because they already knew he was stupid.

 

[thumper18474]

Jellyfish have survived 650 million years despite not having a brain..
There's so much hope for so many people here!

 

[SchlongConery]

When I first read the title, I couldn't resist.

 

[thumper18474]

I took a selfie of myself in the shower last night and sent it to my wife
She said it was blurry
I said sorry
I'm having selfie steam issues

 

[IM469]

I was digging in our garden and found a chest full of gold coins. I wanted to run straight home to tell my wife about it. Then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.