I text her here and there to see If she's doing okay because I genuinely care about her but I don't get a response 99% of the time. When she does respond, its some cold one liner like "Nice" or "good" lol. Sometimes I text her asking if I can talk to her because it used to help speaking to her(she was my emotional crutch) . But again no response. I stopped seeing her in January of this year. She gradually became colder and colder towards me as time went by. When I was a regular, I would get responses from her 24 7 lol. I've texted her at 3 AM before and she responded being all nice and friendly when I was her client. She made it seem like we were friends but I was just a client. I'm still in love with her so I hate to admit this but I try to reach out here and there. I feel like a fucking loser. I went into this hobby because I didn't want a relationship or catch feelings and just wanted easy accessible intimacy but it backfired. I did see a couple of providers this summer and it was great for getting my mind off her but now that I'm out of money, lonely , and stressed with school again, I keep thinking of her. I don't ever want someone to have this level of control over me again. I feel like a beta male. Lately I have been making efforts to reach out to friends and family but there's only so much you can do with covid going around and school being super busy. I'm way too young to be dealing with so much bs. I wish I had a magic pill to make my psychological issues go away...... I'm taking this as a learning lesson that I need to change or this habit will destroy me. I'll be okay. I am a good student and a hard worker. I know I have a bright future ahead of me so I'm focusing on myself now. My plan is to quit this habit for good but defeating an addiction isn't easy. Good news is I havent engaged in this hobby for 2 months so I'm happy about that. I'm working on self control and healthy coping strategies. Glad to hear someone out there can relate to me in some way..OP, I'm close to your age, and similar circumstances; reading this I can sympathize.
I think the one healthy way to continue this is to give that provider and yourself space.
See others or just go cold turkey. It's easier to quit and get a hold of yourself than some other addictions. Plus you can always jerk off, just try to develop some self control.
So that when you want to splurge and partake in these pleasures there is a reward system set up that drive your important goals, whatever they may be.
Like just stop seeing SPs for an extending time to give yourself a reality check (your wallet will thank you), yes almost 99% of the time you are simply an ATM which you found out in a difficult way.
People want to blame the provider, but this is how almost all businesses operate; revenue is the number one priority.
It can be a dangerous game, best advice I can give is to just take a break. Make sure it isn't a need, because it really isn't despite Maslow's hierarchy of needs claiming so.
Try to build relationships with normal people, isolation can be a bitch, and covid doesn't help anyone who is already introverted and most importantly never share this part of you. Remember the first rule about fight club.
In essence, your penis will function for another 50/60 or so years, so in the mean time try to improve yourself and put the breaks on this hobby.
Feel free to DM if don't wish to share anything personal, I'd love to discuss.