I feel you bro. When I saw two escorts in the past it was because of the following reasons:
1) My ex-wife separated from me and I had to start a legal process of divorce because I was worried she was going to start it first.
2) At the time I served over the papers to her I went and started seeing escorts.
3) A law bill c-36 was coming into effect and I wanted to try it out without having a potential complication of law enforcement.
This is called a "last resort" because it's supposed to be a last resort. However, in the process of seeing these two escorts I discovered something worst than the issues that I was seeing them in the first place.
"Something" attacked me the day after seeing the second escort that ensured that I would never see an escort again, despite having an amazing experience, that up to this day I wouldn't see myself comfortable here.
In terms of my moral beliefs, sex without being married to someone is wrong. But I never had sex with any escort, I just fondled them up, groped them or rubbed them against me until I came, but I didn't actually have sex. Then I realized, in my heart I was having sex with her and it's just as bad if not worst. I also believe my body is the temple of God and that I'm partaking with devils and darkness when I did that, although I never intended that. I just wanted to deal with a woman.
Therefore, since you never had an extreme reaction like I did, or have that type of belief system, then I see you have maintained a habit of seeing an escort once a month. I only saw two escorts and their memories, although faded after 2 years, are still there and can't be completely wiped out.
At least you are not worried about demonic possession and the potential need of an exorcist.
What about Jesus? Become born-again. You tried everything else. What do you have to lose? With Jesus in my boat, I think I'll lose my mind before this ever has a chance to become anything I'd try to fight out of my life as you are doing. His holiness and the filth of this will clash like matter and anti-matter and create a bomb inside your system and will ensure you will not go back there.
The reason I saw escorts is because "meaningful relationships" have actually ended up a break-up or a divorce. No woman are true in my experience so far, and therefore, seeing an escort made sense since I don't really HAVE to trust them to deal with them. That logic didn't work out. I felt I sold out and would never be normal again, never be who I was before seeing that escort, that she stole a part of my soul that I would never get back. After 2 years later, I feel back to normal but not in a hurry to go there again lest I lose myself.
Thank you for sharing your story with me.
In terms of my belief system(s), I believe in the sun, I believe in the equanimity of the universe, I believe in the equanimity and wisdom of nature, I believe in the power of the human spirit (and mind), I believe in the power of the human experience, I believe in myself, I believe in my intuition, I believe in the scientific method, and I believe in many great thinkers of the past, including but not limited to Marcus Aurelius, Thomas Edison, Epictetus, Seneca, Sun Tzu, Laozi, and many others.
With that said, I have no interest in abiding by the rules of the vast majority of organized religions, and when I look at human history in its totality, organized religions have caused more human strife, death, conflict, and confusion than anything else, despite the many aspects of organized religions that are positive.
As a spiritual agnostic, I have more or less created my own belief system, that is based on my experiences, various eastern and western philosophies (such as zen buddhism, existentialism, stoicism, etc.), and that works for me.
As I mentioned in my original post, I do not view escorting, or having sex with escorts as being morally wrong, I don't view escorting or having sex with escorts as being objectively good or bad, and I think that whether being an escort or having sex with an escort is a positive or negative thing depends on the individual, and whether or not they are acting in alignment with their personas, interests, goals, individual values, and sense of self, and if they are thinking clearly.
As far as marriage, and the moralities that surround it are concerned, based on my paradigms, marriage and what it entails is up to the individuals. I am currently struggling with dating, so I will think about marriage when I get to that point.
I find that most people get married because they're supposed to, according to social norms, and various expectations and pressures from the media, their family, and society as a whole. I find that most people rarely get married because of the innate nature of their being and intuition dictates that they should get married.
With that said, I don't think that human beings are genetically or physiologically wired for monogamy, just like the vast majority of primates and other mammals.
Many animals are monogamous, like Emperor Penguins for example, but based on what I've learned about biology, anthropology, and human history, monogamy doesn't seem to align with humanity. It's still something that I have to put more thought into, though.
Finally, I will also say that I don't believe in objectivity or objective truths, so what works for you, and what brings you joy and fulfilment is unique to you, and may or may not apply to others.
It does seem like your idea of marriage creates a lot of guilt, shame, and numerous restrictions though, at least from my perspective.
