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[The Mechanic]

A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food.She picked up four cans and took them to the check out counter. The girl at the cash register said, I'm sorry, but the manager says we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for a cat.The little old lady went home,picked up her cat,brought it to the store and they then sold her the cat food. The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food. Again the cashier said I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you dog food without proof that you have a dog. A lot of old people buy dog food to eat, and management wants proof that you are buying the dog food for a dog.So she went home and brought in her dog. She then was able to buy the dog food. The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, no, you might have a snake in there.The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and quickly pulled it out. She said to the little old lady, What got on my finger? It smells like shit.The little old lady said it is. I want to buy a package of toilet paper.

 

[onomatopoeia]

Can a Jehovah's Witness claim steel-toed shoes as a business expense on their Income Tax return?

 

[SchlongConery]

Willie Nelson. Great singer, devastating wrestling hold..

 

[onomatopoeia]

One of the greatest comedy sketches of all time.

Janeen Rae Heller, who played Pat Trotter, is not a professional actress; she is or was a Las Vegas performer, (yes, she's really doing that in this sketch).

 

[onomatopoeia]

 

[onomatopoeia]

 

[The Mechanic]

Little Johnny was sitting in the back of class when the teacher started asking trivia questions.

"What was the name of the man who invented the lightbulb, class?" She asked.

Little Suzy stuck up her hand right away and said "Thomas Edison did, Teacher!"

The teacher replied that little Suzy was right, and could take the rest of the day off school. Suzy looked distraught… "I am not allowed to take days off school, it is against my Jewish faith"

So the teacher asked another question. "Class, who was the last Canadian to set a world record for sprinting?"

Little Tommy replied with his hand up in the air "Donovan Baily, Teacher!"

"Very good Tommy, you can take the rest of the day off school"

"No, teacher, I can't. You see, I'm Jewish too"

From the back of the class a child yelled out "Fuck the Jews"

The teacher became instantly cross and visibly angry, "WHO SAID THAT?"

Little Johnny stuck up his hand immediately "Adolf Hitler. See ya Monday".

 

[onomatopoeia]

Guy #1: "Do you know what they call prostitutes in Paris?
Guy #2: "Who cares?".
Guy #1: "No, les putes.".

 

[The Mechanic]

A skinny white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down, and says: '7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown.'

The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.. The big guy says: 'What's wrong with you?'

In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?'

The big dude says: 'I saw your look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks. I'm 7 feet tall. I weigh 350 pounds. I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown.'

The small guy says: 'Turner Brown. Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, 'Turn around.'

 

[forgo10]

A pair of alligator skin shoes or a nice purse are things that some of us like and want.
But the price!

An Army Ranger was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana and he wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the Ranger shouted, "maybe I'll just go out and get my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes made at a reasonable price!"

The vendor said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you will run into a couple of Marines who were in here earlier saying the same thing." So the Ranger headed into the bayou that same day and a few hours later came upon two men standing waist deep in the water. He thought, "those must be the two Marines the guy in town was talking about." Just then, the Ranger saw a tremendously long gator swimming rapidly underwater towards one of the Marines.

Just as the gator was about to attack, the Marine grabbed its neck with both hands and strangled it to death with very little effort. Then both Marines dragged it on shore and flipped it on its back. Laying nearby were several more of the creatures.
One of the Marines then exclaimed, "Darn, this one doesn't have any shoes either!"

 

[forgo10]

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speech making.


"I have and idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you."


Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!"


When they arrive at the dinner, Eistein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.


Then a supremely pompous professor ask an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool.


Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."

 

[forgo10]

A guy, driving a Yugo, pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce, rolls down his window, and smiles at the driver of the Rolls, "Hey, buddy, that's a nice car. Have you got a phone in it? I've got one in my Yugo!"
The driver of Rolls looks over and says simply, "Yes, I have a phone."


"Cool!" continues the Yugo owner. "Have you got a fridge in there, too? I got a fridge in the back seat of my Yugo!"


The Rolls man, looking annoyed, says, "Yes, I have a refrigerator."


The driver of the Yugo goes on, "That's great,! Listen, have you got a TV in there? I got a one right next to me."


The Rolls owner, looking very annoyed by now, says, "Of course I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!"


"Say," persists the Yugo owner, "Have you got a bed in your car? I got one in the back of my Yugo!"


Upset, the Rolls owner sped away, straight to the dealer, and demanded that a bed be installed in the back of the car. The next morning he picked up his car, with superb bed in it, a bed fit for a Rolls Royce...


He immediately went searching for the Yugo, and only late in the afternoon he found it parked, with all its windows fogged up from the inside.


He knocked on the Yugo, and finally the Yugo owner stuck his head out, soaking wet.


"I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce," the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly.


"Jesus!" complained the Yugo man, "You got me out of the shower to tell me this?!"

 

[forgo10]

And just one more:

A young fellow walks into a talent agent's office and says he wants to break into show-biz, so the agent says "Okay kid, show me what you do." The kid tells some jokes, does a little soft shoe, sings a bit, does an acrobatic act with an ottoman, and is good enough to impress the agent.
"Great kid! Just great!," says the agent "I can do things for ya! I think I can get you a show on T.V." (This was the early sixties.) "By the way, what's your name?"


The young man, proud and excited, exclaims "Penis Van Lesbian."


"'Scuse me?," questions the agent.


"My name is Penis Van Lesbian" again replies the young man.


"Hey I'm sorry kid, you're gonna have to change your name, nobody is gonna hire you with a name like Penis Van Lesbian."


Well the young man is crestfallen but steadfastly refuses to change his name, so he leaves to find another agent.


A few months later he returns to the same agent. "Hey kid! Good to see ya again!" says the agent, "Are ya still looking for work?
Have ya changed your name?"


With his head hanging low the young man replies "Yes. Every agent in town turned me down because of my name, Penis Van Lesbian. So I've changed it".


"Great kid, great! What's your new name?"


"Dick Van Dyke."

 

[onomatopoeia]

Albert Einstein was sailing off the coast of Long Island, deep in thought and not paying attention to what he was supposed to be doing. A passing boat created a wave which capsized Albert's sailboat.

Fortunately for Albert, (who never learned how to swim), another small boat was nearby, and he was quickly pulled out of the freezing water. The guy who helped him said "Hey mister, why are you so stupid?".

 

[forgo10]

Ponderisms

• I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
• Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
• Life is sexually transmitted.
• Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
• The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
• Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
• Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
• In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
• Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
• How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
• Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
• If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
• Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
• If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
• Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
• Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

 

[forgo10]

Ponderisms 2

• Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
• If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
• Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
• Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
• “I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do” is the longest sentence?
• What hair colour do they put on the driver’s licences of bald men?
• You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
• Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
• If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea, does that mean that one enjoys it?
• Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
• If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
• If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
• Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
• Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

 

[The Mechanic]

There once was a girl named Mary Brown, who said no man could ever lay her down. Out of the woods came pistol Pete 20 pounds of hanging meat, Pete made his pass he rammed his deck up Mary’s ass. Mary was smart, she blew a fart. Now in the woods goes pistol Pete 20 pounds of shredded wheat.


Some people come here to sit and think and write up on the walls. But I come here to shit and stink and scratch my hairy balls.



The classics

 

[onomatopoeia]

The Sick Kids Lottery...this I don't get. Why would somebody want to win a sick kid?

 

[SchlongConery]

@onomatopoeia

I think you'd love this joke website. Bunch of Brit's cracking original, topical and random jokes 24/7 ... without limits.

Its name says it all. sickipedia.net

You have to sift through lots too find the gold but when you do, it's worth- it!


Here are a few particularly sick, or politically incorrect but clever examples:

-What's the best thing to get bubblegum out of your hair...? Cancer.

-No matter how you look at it Hitler did do one thing for all mankind . He killed Hitler!

-Our local aircraft museum has gone Pride and LGBTQ+ crazy in recent weeks. Even half the planes are bi.

--My teacher said I'd be no good at poetry because of my dyslexia. So far I've made two jugs, a vase and a bowl, so fuck you Mrs Collins

-"It's time to test the smoke alarm, " I said to my missus. "It's 9:am on a Sunday morning, just fucking ask for breakfast like any normal bloke will you. "


-I have to take over 500 pills a day. It's to control my compulsive lying.

- My wife called me a sex machine yesterday. Actually she called me 'A fucking tool', but i know what she meant


This one could be very offensive, but clever.

"If you'd had a tin of shoe polish, you could have blackened her up and got away with it," I said to Oscar Pistorius, laughing. Then I realised that was in bad taste. Why would he have a tin of shoe polish?

 

[onomatopoeia]