Sexless relationship of 3 years - tips?

[Muchadoaboutnothing]

We've talked about having kids but I guess that's not until (if) I pop the question and we get married.

And yeah that's brutal. I don't think I could be in a relationship that wasn't as close to equal monetary wise as possible haha

Yes. Why would she risk getting pregnant if you aren’t willing to commit. Women need security and safety and commitment to feel they want sex. It’s what drives them. To procreate and pleasure is connected to feeling partnered for the most part. Especially at 30.

 

[Muchadoaboutnothing]

I would say so yes - we're both relatively fit and not overweight either. I guess my other question would be, is sex once a month completely abnormal in a relationship between young-ish adults? But again I suppose I have to factor in her medical condition..

Maybe she’s tired of initiating assuming she used ? Or maybe she thinks you want what she isn’t ? Do you watch a lot of porn or instagram girls ?

 

[Muchadoaboutnothing]

I have a friend whose wife has been ill for 15 years and will not be getting better. When she was diagnosed, the sex stopped instantly. He has a child with her who is a wonderful human being and he has held on mostly because he is just not wired to throw them under the bus, and he was actually celibate for the first 7 years.

On one trip to TO, another friend introduced him to the Spa scene and ever since then he would blitz whenever he came to town. He eventually graduated to escorts and currently sees at least one Indy per day when he visits. Nowadays, instead of being totally depressed, he is like a pig in shit.

Realize that not everyone can afford to live like this, but this is just one option. Take advantage while you can. You won’t live forever.

Strange, I had a disgusting dream last night about a pig smiling having sex with mud/shit and it was getting all over the walls of my condo and on me and I wanted out of there.

 

[Muchadoaboutnothing]

Imagine that you are 74 and looking back at your life.
Would you rather have divorced her at 34 or suffered through 40 more years of this? There lies your answer.

There isn’t a guarantee in life. Something could happen to him as well. This generation is so commitment phobic the answer is always leave. How do you
relate to anyone ? Many other avenues to go over. The issue is also living together before marriage as dated as some of you might think psychologically messes relationships as the don’t have that layer of commitment to find a solution together as one unit. Patience and perseverance. The grass is green where you water it.

 

[Muchadoaboutnothing]

Would be a crazy turn of events, but I highly doubt it since we're together most of the time. The actual sex has always been a bit of an issue. Even during sex, she has problems staying wet. I have to do oral every time otherwise we'd need to use lube since it's dry. I'm not sure if it's a mental thing for her or her lack of hormones/steady period that's causing it. I will say if we smoke weed, she's really into it and we have no problems - I'd love that kind of passion more often. We don't smoke (and don't want to) that often, but when we do it leads to pretty great sex.

EDITED to say if any women here who've experienced this condition or know of someone who's been through it is able to chime in, would be interesting to hear from you!

Get water based lube.
she could get more wet or less depending on where she is in her cycle. once you start to talk about her period issues and pain maybe you can start to track her cycle with her which can alsobenefit Her own body knowledge. The cervical fluid will differ. Also being on thepill can ruin her wetness.
stress can also cause this. Or if she’s not in the mood or if you’re not good atforeplay. Foreplay is longer than 60 seconds.
maybe you’re not as good in bed as you think.
ask questions in a non judgemental posture and tone and proper time of day or night and setting.
do you cuddle ? Maybe she needs to relax into sex ?
try before eating as well as the fullness may add pressure to her stomach and reproductive organs which makes sex more painful
do you go for walks together or try a bath or sauna together or steam room To get blood flowing which could mimic the feeling of being high. You can try putting a hot towel on her before going down on her so she can feel the sensation better to also mimic the heat and pulse you get when high. Or try edibles ? Many friends have gotten pregnant doing edibles with their partners. But looks like you aren’t married so as I said before maybe this is the issue she isn’t sharing.

 

[Muchadoaboutnothing]

Stating based on facts and perspective you provided

• Stick with her, as finding soul mate is harder than finding sex mate
• Affair is the worst thing you can do as it will eventually spoil what you have in your relationship
• Know that you are blessed with staying in region where accessing SW service is way easier. Make use of that to satisfy your needs, just add these expenses to cost of living.

This is so true. Emotional connection is so hard to come by.

 

[Muchadoaboutnothing]

This is a tough one, especially since you are otherwise quite compatible it sounds. Unfortunately tho, with time, the lack of sex will eat away at you and you’ll probably end up resenting her. I’d try to deal with this problem sooner rather than later. I’m not sure the best approach but be honest with her what your needs are. Maybe a professional can help.

It’s good that she at least seems willing to help you out and get you off sometimes. Maybe a little more of that can help bridge the gap between your sex drives. The added bonus is her bjs will get better with practice, afterall that’s how the SPs you’ve seen got so good!

In this situation an affair seems tempting, but such affairs almost always lead to emotional attachments that become very complex, and run a real risk of destroying your relationship. The sneaking around is also exhausting and very stressful. Furthermore if you end up in an affair with someone who really is into sex, when it ends (and it almost always does) you will find yourself in serious sex withdrawal, and resenting your partner even more.

Like I said, try to deal with this now. You don’t want to be in the same situation in 10-20 years and look back with resentment. Trust me.

And another warning. Don’t leave your partner for your affair partner. You both will have no trust in each other so that’s not as great as it might sound during the six months of elation

 

[Muchadoaboutnothing]

I am not a psychotherapist so this is only my .02.
We all know that there is a mental component to sex and you indicated that the sex is good when she smokes weed and is able to let loose.
This suggests that maybe a sex therapist could help her. Others in this thread have suggested couple counselling but I think a sex therapist for her would be called for in this case. The issue is her sexual desire, not your relationship.
I agree with the others that I would be reluctant to get married until this issue is resolved.

I wonder if you could get cbd lotion or sex products or a candle to psychologically make her think she’s high (association). Scent is a strong component for visualization and memory. Or calming scents in a diffuser to relax each other. Make a habit of both of you getting ready for sex like you do with a sp. maybe she’s turned off by your sweat smell or I brushed teeth etc ? Or maybe she thinks you’re thinking that of her but isn’t voicing it ? Is your living space smaller ? Maybe she is feeling overwhelmed and lacking individual identity in the relationship. Couples can become enmeshed.

 

[Muchadoaboutnothing]

In fairness to her, she'll ask if I need help if I need to release and cuddles or gives me a (unfortunately bad) blowjob lol if there's anything about the SP world I miss it's the mind blowing bjs I've received haha

are you showering before. Maybe she isn’t enthusiastic if it smells like sweat and tastes worse than sweat (especially if you’re uncut ).
are you focusing on her at that moment or is the tv on or whatever. Are you both making eye contact here and there or is she doing it dutifully ? Are you encouraging her with sounds and such?

 

[Muchadoaboutnothing]

Reality.
As other posters have mentioned, if you do nothing, nothing will change. Will almost certainly get worse. Most couples, struggle to one degree or another as mid life approaches. The pressures/stresses of carreers, kids, keeping a house, bills etc and so on. there is a saying about divorce and mid life. When men hit mid life we buy toys. Women buy lawyers. Fact. About 70% of all divorces are initiated by women.

Presently the divorce rate is around 50%. The divorce rate does not include separation or common law splits. Just those that legally file for divorce. So in truth, it’s likely we’ll over 60%.in short 6 or 7 out of every 10 people will go through it….

I play the odds….

Will say. My first marriage ( almost 20 years) wasn’t sexless, but by the time we hit our 40s, climbed corporate ladders, our children were no longer toddlers….Sex was very infrequent and for the most part boring…we became statistics. Most reading this will too.

I am now in a long term relationship and we are older. Sex was good the first
Then cancer hit. (Also around 50% of people will go through) Between Chemo and losing all her lady parts and Chemo triggered menopause. Sex now for her is uncomfortable…we are good, we have a great intimate, adult relationship but it is what it is.

long winded way of saying.
life happens to everyone. And age catches up with everyone. Something many young people forget..

my 2c
If you see a life with her.
get professional help.

and for what it’s worth. When she found the lump, (about 18 months in). As someone else said whose friend went through it. I wasn’t going to throw her under the bus. And I saw a life with her. She’s worth it.

ignore “advice” to just leave. Only you can decide if you see a life with her…but if you do, and you do nothing ( meaning both of you don’t go for counseling). The odds are against you.

This is a well thought out reply. I’m so sorry for your wife’s diagnosis and treatment. Awful to see someone go through. I don’t wish it on anyone. I’m sorry for what you also went through and really proud of you for approaching it this way.
many don’t understand the important of vows can strengthen a relationship. In sickness and in health. There are no guarantees in life for anyone. I often wonder how I would feel
if someone left because of what could be a temporary phase of Life.
we are all dying everyday In one way or another.
many women fear being left when they get sick. Many women in the cancer ward will tell you how their husbands left as soon as their hair was shaved. Added to the pain they already felt. Their body betraying them and now those around them.

 

[Muchadoaboutnothing]

I solved the problem.........she's a LESBIAN!!!!!
Offer her a threesome with another chick and you'll score. You can thank me later.

You mean bisexual

 

[Muchadoaboutnothing]

IF YOUR MAN OR WOMAN CAN NOT SATISFY YOU....YOU HAVE EVERY FUCKING RIGHT TO GET SATISFACTION ELSEWHERE. FUCK THAT BULLSHIT.

SHES SELFISH FOR NOT KEEPING YOU HORNY AND SOUNDS MANIPULATIVE.

IF IM NIT HORNY AND MY WOMAN IS...I WOULD STILL PUT IN 100% LIKE EAT HER OUT FINGER HER TIL MY MOUTH AND FINGERS ARE SORE.

FUCK HER BULLSHIT. NO EXCUSES.

PLEASE FOR GODS SAKE...YOU ARE YOUNG. SEX IS A WEAPON USED BY MANY WOMEN. LEAVE HER!

You’re disgusting

 

[tml]

You mean bisexual

I stand corrected.

 

[Jami77]

Another great tip for all married guys - get an ovulation or period tracker on your phone I did and its amazingly accurate - i find she is horny round about her ovulation and I likely to have sex - so I can play into that. I also know when she ovulates she has some endo pain so I can time it before or after that. Because she is on the pill she doesnt have periods but the app will tell me when to lay low and when to have a go...

 

[Jami77]

Another recommendation - Married Mans sex Life Primer. Excellent for a lot of the stuff talked about on this thread. Written by a male nurse who worked in a psych ward and started a blog on married sex. Hes a christian and its very respectful towards women - his wife even edits it. But very very good. Definitely worth the $6 kindle. Hes the one that got me on to tracking periods.

Married Mans Sex Life Primer

Also just an FYI there are a million forums and blogs and threads with all the answers to endometriosis, period pain, low libido for women. They all go round in circles and talk about the same stuff - not smoking, drinking, being health, getting sleep - and yet they all still complain about period pain. Ive read tons trying to help the wife and I always find it funny how the women that write blogs and books with a "solution" then down the road still have problems and end up having surgery. Its amazing how many people will write books with a solution (as a side hustle maybe) and yet still suffer - obviously they didnt cure themselves and yet still promote all this stuff.

Like people promoting healthy living and low carb and the like to attain longevity and then you find out that most centenarians smoke and drink every day. Which tells you that noone really knows.

My wife tried everything - and I was always supportive - our sex life was hanging in the balance so i had every need to help her - selfish reasons no doubt but isnt everything - thats the human condition - survival of the fittest etc. So anyhoo funny thing is I have struggle to lose weight until she went gluten free - she did the gluten free and the low dose pill - wich all but cured her - she even put off her surgery and I kinda followed the gluten free thing (I still cheat) but in general having less bread and bread like snacks in the house I actually lost some weight.

So I think the number 1 thing to damage human bodies - is bread or gluten or wheat - dont want to get on my high horse here - kinda venting because Ive spent thousands on these diets and tried paleo, keto etc and its the low carb low bread thing that works for me....

One final thing - now Im thinking - being a guy with a high sex drive I can put pressure on my wife to keep up the sex life which adds to the stress and the stress and cortisol add to the endo and her pain and hormone issues - which is why i find I am on here. I think in these situations porn and low risk hobbying has a place in a healthy relationship - I know its cheating - but if I ask her if I can do it she will definitely say no (she doesnt even like toys in bed) so its kind of a necessary evil and if I play it right and she never finds out and I never pass on any STDs... its worth it.

Is it better to cheat and get divorced and cause pain to her and the kids? Or is it better to use porn and SPs and have a nice fun life at home. I also believe these people who feel guilty and who confess everything are idiots. Its your guilt you just pass to her and fuck up her life better to keep it to yourself and just get on with it.

Long rant there... sorry ha ha..

 

[richaceg]

If there are no kids involved...get on with your life...best to move than cheat...that's the ultimate destruction of your relationship if you dn't know how to mask / hide it...if kids are involved...keep the hobby to a minimum....but like everybody here...no judgement...sex can keep you sharp....

 

[rhuarc29]

Physical intimacy is an important part of romantic relationships, IMO. Is it possible to carry on a romantic relationship without it? Yes, but I have to imagine it's less fulfilling, particularly to you since you are the one who seems to need it. Without it, you're somewhere between friend and girlfriend. Or, like a girlfriend who's saving herself for marriage. Except, there isn't actually the goal at the end.

Maybe you two are having sex once a month, but sounds like obligation on her side rather than enjoyment. To be quite honest, I wouldn't want obligation sex. Would make me feel like crap.

Instead of discussing your need for sex with her, you could try discussing why she doesn't seem to have a need for sex, because not having that urge is unnatural (probably don't call her that lol). It could be she has that hormone issue due to genetics. Or, it could be medication she's on, or her diet, or her lifestyle. Or a combination. Waiting for a medical solution is probably the wrong way to go about it. If she wants to have a long term relationship with you, she should be making the effort to try things to alleviate the issue that is driving a wedge between you. I know you say you feel like soulmates, and you're being supportive, but this absolutely is a wedge between the two of you. If she decides she doesn't want to make the effort to bond you two closer, then you have to decide if you want to live a sexless life with the woman you love (the prospects for sexlife only diminish with age), if you can satisfy your needs elsewhere while staying with her, or if you want to try finding someone who reciprocates your needs.

 

[Jami77]

Agree - obligation sex is the worst.

And I also agree on the hormone/libido issue. My wife goes to the doc about her endo and thats the focus. She doesnt see the low libido is an issue and so doesnt raise it - it gets raised when we get into arguments etc - but the endo is the focus and her and her female doctor dont discusss libido. End result is supposdely once the endo is cured the libido will come back./ I'm not so sure. And how long do i want to wait... I think theres probably a lot of us on here facing similar situations... Do you leave and fuck up the family or do you have some fun on the side?

 

[tonnyandreti]

What is endo?

 

[Mackersdixon]

This video of a woman explaining what is going on was very insightful: