I have a very serious family dilemma brewing. I have 3 kids, boy 19, girl 21, girl 23, all still at home. My oldest girl is engaged to be married next year. Her and her brother have never gotten along. My son is an ass, there is no doubt about it, but so is my daughter. However there are occasional flashes of great kids in both of them. The problem is I doubt that the daughter is going to invite my son to her wedding because she despises him so much from his past history which I won't get into here, but it is just that ----history. She also has issues with how he looks, multiple piercings etc., and is concerned he will embarass her. The other problem is that my middle daughter and my son get along great. I think my oldest is going to ask her sister to be her maid of honour. The problem ---she won't go if her brother does not get an invite. I am also torn as to what I am going to do. Will I refuse to attend, will I attend the wedding service only, I am at a complete loss. I have suggested to my oldest that it would not be prudent not to invite her brother, and I might add her fiancee has no problem inviting him to be part of the wedding party, but she is adament. To-date she has not raised the issue with my son but I know it is coming. Any thoughts?
serious family dilemma
- Thread starter r2d2
- Start date
Stay out of itr2d2 said:
Give her your 2 cents about burying the hatchet for one day. then stay out of it.
I disagree, they're his kids, he's the father, he has a say.papasmerf said:
Grow a pair and tell them both to cease and disist.
One day, you and your wife are going to be gone, and all they will have is each other. Blood is thicker than water.
At 19, he's still in his ass phase, we all were. If at 29 he's still an ass, you have a problem. Him not being invited to the wedding will only make things worse in the future and he will never forget it.
Your oldest daughter needs to suck it up and do the right thing. If she can't then she should consider eloping. (She's too young to get married anyway.)
One thing you should never do is place conditions on your attendance ("I'll only go if X goes/does not go"). High school is over. Make your own decision for yourself and let the chips fall where they may.
I think it's a big mistake for the eldest daughter to not invite all her siblings. It's up to them if they want to go our not. If they do go, then you can step in and let them know in no uncertain terms that it's your eldest daughter's day and anyone who steps out of line will be dealt with swiftly and decisively.
I think it's a big mistake for the eldest daughter to not invite all her siblings. It's up to them if they want to go our not. If they do go, then you can step in and let them know in no uncertain terms that it's your eldest daughter's day and anyone who steps out of line will be dealt with swiftly and decisively.
Exactly...
The duaghter should be able to invite whomever she pleses, and be woman enough to deal with the consequences (either "embarassment, or knowing your maid of honor will decline, depending on the decision)
The son is old enough now they he should realize that their are consequences for the actions you take (you act an ass and dress like a freak, people might not want to be around you)
The middle child is old enough to come to grips that sometimes life requires choices (support the sister or the brother?)
You should go to the wedding because your daughter invited you. Period. Whomever you choses not to invite is her own business.
If you MUST do something as the father, my suggestion would be that you talk to the son, explain to him that on her wedding day the bride should be the center of attention, and that while he has a right to dress as he pleases, surely he is mature enough to understand that his prefered manner of dress will be a distraction. If he is a MATURE young man, then he will understand that you don't have to be an angry ass 24/7/365...that it doesn't comprimise him as a person to try to be respectful of his sisters wedding...that to come dress as a fucking freak to a conservative wedding is just as imappropriate as being dresses as a preppy nerd and acting as a total party pooper would be at one of his freak fest gatehrings. If he doesn't get that, then he shouldn't be there anyway.
All involved are adults. They should be able to settle this amongst themselves.papasmerf said:
The duaghter should be able to invite whomever she pleses, and be woman enough to deal with the consequences (either "embarassment, or knowing your maid of honor will decline, depending on the decision)
The son is old enough now they he should realize that their are consequences for the actions you take (you act an ass and dress like a freak, people might not want to be around you)
The middle child is old enough to come to grips that sometimes life requires choices (support the sister or the brother?)
You should go to the wedding because your daughter invited you. Period. Whomever you choses not to invite is her own business.
If you MUST do something as the father, my suggestion would be that you talk to the son, explain to him that on her wedding day the bride should be the center of attention, and that while he has a right to dress as he pleases, surely he is mature enough to understand that his prefered manner of dress will be a distraction. If he is a MATURE young man, then he will understand that you don't have to be an angry ass 24/7/365...that it doesn't comprimise him as a person to try to be respectful of his sisters wedding...that to come dress as a fucking freak to a conservative wedding is just as imappropriate as being dresses as a preppy nerd and acting as a total party pooper would be at one of his freak fest gatehrings. If he doesn't get that, then he shouldn't be there anyway.
They're adults...
It is HER wedding. She can invite whom she pleases...and deal with the consequences.
As the father (and a more wise / mature person) he SHOULD explain to each of the the potential consequences of the road they are each going down...the ramifications of their actions. He owes them that.
But he has no "say". They are adults - it is HER wedding.
..he has no say.james t kirk said:
It is HER wedding. She can invite whom she pleases...and deal with the consequences.
As the father (and a more wise / mature person) he SHOULD explain to each of the the potential consequences of the road they are each going down...the ramifications of their actions. He owes them that.
But he has no "say". They are adults - it is HER wedding.
There's nothing more you can do, it's good you told her your concerns and tried to change her mind.
I think you should go to the wedding, the middle child should politely reject the maid of honour role if she feels strongly about the situation, but still attend.
I hope her husband isn't moving in with your family, you've already got your hands full.
I think you should go to the wedding, the middle child should politely reject the maid of honour role if she feels strongly about the situation, but still attend.
I hope her husband isn't moving in with your family, you've already got your hands full.
I kinda agree with you in principle...
This is the thing though...how do you deal "swiftly and decisively" with your 19 year old son? Do you punch him in the face and drag him out as though he were a stranger wedding crasher?
I say that if the daughter has genuince concerns that her brother will act an ass, her wishes that he not be there should be respected. She will NEVER forgive her fatehr for forcing her hand if the brother ruins her day. On teh other hand, the brother may one day grow up and realize that the reason he wasn't invited was because when was a total dickhead when he was 19.
If she doesn't invite him, the two of them can eventually work it out in the future if they chose to. If the father forces things and it goes badly, the daugther will be angry at THE FATHER...not the brother...and will never forgive him.
People learn to deal with the decisions they have made (either not inviting your brother or insisting on dressing like a freak). They never get past the decisions that were FORCED on them.
...he should DEFINATELY not "place conditions on (his) attendance".Keebler Elf said:
This is the thing though...how do you deal "swiftly and decisively" with your 19 year old son? Do you punch him in the face and drag him out as though he were a stranger wedding crasher?
I say that if the daughter has genuince concerns that her brother will act an ass, her wishes that he not be there should be respected. She will NEVER forgive her fatehr for forcing her hand if the brother ruins her day. On teh other hand, the brother may one day grow up and realize that the reason he wasn't invited was because when was a total dickhead when he was 19.
If she doesn't invite him, the two of them can eventually work it out in the future if they chose to. If the father forces things and it goes badly, the daugther will be angry at THE FATHER...not the brother...and will never forgive him.
People learn to deal with the decisions they have made (either not inviting your brother or insisting on dressing like a freak). They never get past the decisions that were FORCED on them.
Sorry to bring him into the picture... but he might be able to help.
Website... http://drphil.com/
Avoiding Wedding Disasters... http://drphil.com/articles/article/139/
Ask Dr. Phil... http://drphil.com/plugger/respond/?plugID=9163
Website... http://drphil.com/
Avoiding Wedding Disasters... http://drphil.com/articles/article/139/
Ask Dr. Phil... http://drphil.com/plugger/respond/?plugID=9163
Well r2d2, as the father of these 3 who are all still living under the same roof, you ought to have some kind of role here as a moderator. I think the choice of whether to attend the wedding or not should be put into your son's hands, by offering him a conditional invitation.
The discussion with your oldest daughter might be along the lines of, "A wedding is a family celebration. You decide the guest list, but I can't give my full blessing if family members are excluded, etc. What conditions are necessary so that Jr. can be invited?
Tell your son that he is invited and welcome to come but should only attend if he can commit to meeting certain expectations, and then explain what those expectations are. By now you all recognize what those specific "asshole" behaviours are, so he has to commit to not being an asshole. The rest would be meeting basic social standards of dress, hygiene, courtesy, etc. Explain that this is what his sister needs for a happy day, and if he can't make the commitment then he shouldn't be there. This puts the choice about whether to attend the wedding squarely onto his shoulders.
I suppose this still leaves you and your daughter trusting and hoping that your son will behave if he attends the wedding. My bet is that if he wants to attend the wedding, he will commit to proper behaviour. And your middle daughter can accept her wedding invitation with no misgivings, knowing that her brothers attendance will be his own decision.
The discussion with your oldest daughter might be along the lines of, "A wedding is a family celebration. You decide the guest list, but I can't give my full blessing if family members are excluded, etc. What conditions are necessary so that Jr. can be invited?
Tell your son that he is invited and welcome to come but should only attend if he can commit to meeting certain expectations, and then explain what those expectations are. By now you all recognize what those specific "asshole" behaviours are, so he has to commit to not being an asshole. The rest would be meeting basic social standards of dress, hygiene, courtesy, etc. Explain that this is what his sister needs for a happy day, and if he can't make the commitment then he shouldn't be there. This puts the choice about whether to attend the wedding squarely onto his shoulders.
I suppose this still leaves you and your daughter trusting and hoping that your son will behave if he attends the wedding. My bet is that if he wants to attend the wedding, he will commit to proper behaviour. And your middle daughter can accept her wedding invitation with no misgivings, knowing that her brothers attendance will be his own decision.
Joe Cool said:
I've found terbites to be an incredibly knowledgable group on just about any topic. Most are extremely well educated and intelligent and they come from very diverse backgrounds.
I can't tell you how much I appreciate all the advice and support I have received here.
God bless terb!!
It is her wedding, so she should get final say. You could talk to her, and offer to keep your son on a short leash if she will agree to have him there. If she refuses, go anyway and have a good time. If she agrees to invite him, make it clear that he will be dealt with severely if he acts up. If it looks like it will be a disaster, make him an offer he can't refuse to be somewhere else, 19-year-olds like vacations.
I invited some but not all of the relatives I despised to my wedding, the one I despise the most acted up. In retrospect, I should have not invited any of them, and screw the people who would not have come because of it.
I invited some but not all of the relatives I despised to my wedding, the one I despise the most acted up. In retrospect, I should have not invited any of them, and screw the people who would not have come because of it.
