serious family dilemma

[CapitalGuy]

It is her wedding, so she should get final say. You could talk to her, and offer to keep your son on a short leash if she will agree to have him there. If she refuses, go anyway and have a good time. If she agrees to invite him, make it clear that he will be dealt with severely if he acts up. If it looks like it will be a disaster, make him an offer he can't refuse to be somewhere else, 19-year-olds like vacations.

I invited some but not all of the relatives I despised to my wedding, the one I despise the most acted up. In retrospect, I should have not invited any of them, and screw the people who would not have come because of it.

I don't agree. Yes it is "her" wedding, but its a major family event. There will be all kinds of people there who she doesn't even know (distant great-aunts, friends of mom and dad), and who she will never again see after the wedding. But her brother will be her brother for the rest of her life, and their relationship when they're both in their 50's and have kids of their own will be much different than the one they have now.

But if they aren't yet mature enough to realize that, then it's Dad's job to prevent this day from becoming a black mark in the history of HIS family. There are more people involved in a wedding than just the bride and groom. That might be a difficult concept for some people to buy into, in our world of self-empowerment and me, me, me, but in our Grandma's time, this would be a no-brainer. The whole family would attend the wedding, the whole family would behave, and dad would actually have the balls to tell them to stop their snivelling and whining and GET ALONG.

 

[Meister]

Forget about the issue regarding your son's invitation. You should be focusing on telling your daughter to postpone the wedding, for at least 6 years. Not to put a damper on things, but the combination of her age and her living at home to get married has a really high chance of failure.
But, my guess is that your daughter won't listen anyway.

 

[WhaWhaWha]

If it were my daughter playing the part of Bridezilla I would be ashamed to take part in a circus of sibling rivalry disguised as a wedding. She should be concentrating on her husband and her marriage and not trying to settle old fights with her brothers or use her wedding as anything other than a means to celebrate her marriage. She is clearly using this wedding to get back at her brother. She had a lot of growing up to do. Give her advice and let her know she will look back on a wedding that she turned into a stage for a family feud with shame and regret for the rest of her life. Stupid brat. What does the girl's fiance say about his wedding being used this way? What does his family say?

 

[yoniluvrca]

Perhaps r2d2 should hire a really gorgeous and slutty looking EE escort to come to the wedding as his companion. That way, when everybody stops talking to one another, at least he can have some fun.

Seriously, can someone explain to me why weddings are so very divisive?

 

[a 1 player]

The only advice that I can give is not to take other peoples advice. You know deep in your heart what is the right thing to do (for you). Lots of good advice has been given here from a lot of different angles. Life is a learning process, and not always easy. I wish you good luck, and hope that all works out for you.

 

[Pedro Sanchez]

I have 3 kids, boy 19, girl 21, girl 23, all still at home.

Can we have a description on your daughters and their milage if you know it?

PS: if you cant solve this without consulting perverts, you got some problems.

 

[tboy]

OK wtf?

1) "Family first. Always." Bullshit, you can't choose your family and while you may love them, you don't have to like them. This equates to a family hiding and protecting Geoffry Dahmer because "he is/was family". Sorry, if your son is an ass, tell him he's an ass and there are consequences to being an ass, one of those is not being invited to his sister's wedding.....

2) A wedding is NOT a family affair. It is the celebration of a man and a woman starting THEIR life together and creating THEIR family. Everyone else's feelings are secondary. It is the bride and groom's decisiion as to who they want at the wedding, no ifs ands or buts. Doesn't matter who is paying for it either. A father covering the cost of his daughter's wedding should come with no conditions because isn't a father's love supposed to be unconditional?

3) If the other daughter doesn't accept the honor of being with her sister on her special day then SHE has a lot of growing up to do and shouldn't be the maid of honor.

4) The bride is having the wedding to get back at her brother? Yeah ok RIGHT. She's making a life changing commitment and going through all this just to get back at him? LOL ok, right, that's the reason, ha.....

5) I've been involved in countless weddings in my time here on earth and I contantly hear bullshit like this going on about who gets invited and who doesn't. You know what? FUCK EM ALL. A wedding is about the bride and groom period. EOS It is about celebrating their love for one another and if anyone can't put THEIR feelings aside to be there for this occasion then THEY have a problem, not the bride and groom.

I'll tell you a little story: friend of mine was getting married, he and his bride didn't want kids at the wedding because, you know, they can be a blessing or a curse. Being a mediterranian wedding they knew the parents will let their kids go batshit. Well dear old dad had said that he would pay for half the wedding from the start but when he heard that they didn't want kids, (after everything was booked) he said he would pull the funds. They relented as they didn't have any choice at that point.

Well, during the video in the church you can't hear a fucking word that was said because of a baby crying and some other brat mouthing off constantly. Totally ruined the ceremony and of course you had a couple of little brats running around during the first dance, speeches, etc.

Dad? remember this: This is your DAUGHTER'S special day, whatever she wants, she should get. What you, your son, your other daughter, your aunt's uncles, nephews, second cousin twice removed think or want DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER. If she wants to get married naked, painted blue, with three tranvestites doing a daisy chain in the background, then she should have it......

Just remember this also, a lot of women dream about their wedding from almost the day they are born, they wait their whole life for this day to come, don't spoil her dream......help her achieve it. If her dream doesn't involve your asshole son? DON'T turn HER dream into a nightmare.......

 

[RTRD]

Well Said...

OK wtf?

1) "Family first. Always." Bullshit, you can't choose your family and while you may love them, you don't have to like them. This equates to a family hiding and protecting Geoffry Dahmer because "he is/was family". Sorry, if your son is an ass, tell him he's an ass and there are consequences to being an ass, one of those is not being invited to his sister's wedding.....

2) A wedding is NOT a family affair. It is the celebration of a man and a woman starting THEIR life together and creating THEIR family. Everyone else's feelings are secondary. It is the bride and groom's decisiion as to who they want at the wedding, no ifs ands or buts. Doesn't matter who is paying for it either. A father covering the cost of his daughter's wedding should come with no conditions because isn't a father's love supposed to be unconditional?

3) If the other daughter doesn't accept the honor of being with her sister on her special day then SHE has a lot of growing up to do and shouldn't be the maid of honor.

4) The bride is having the wedding to get back at her brother? Yeah ok RIGHT. She's making a life changing commitment and going through all this just to get back at him? LOL ok, right, that's the reason, ha.....

5) I've been involved in countless weddings in my time here on earth and I contantly hear bullshit like this going on about who gets invited and who doesn't. You know what? FUCK EM ALL. A wedding is about the bride and groom period. EOS It is about celebrating their love for one another and if anyone can't put THEIR feelings aside to be there for this occasion then THEY have a problem, not the bride and groom.

I'll tell you a little story: friend of mine was getting married, he and his bride didn't want kids at the wedding because, you know, they can be a blessing or a curse. Being a mediterranian wedding they knew the parents will let their kids go batshit. Well dear old dad had said that he would pay for half the wedding from the start but when he heard that they didn't want kids, (after everything was booked) he said he would pull the funds. They relented as they didn't have any choice at that point.

Well, during the video in the church you can't hear a fucking word that was said because of a baby crying and some other brat mouthing off constantly. Totally ruined the ceremony and of course you had a couple of little brats running around during the first dance, speeches, etc.

Dad? remember this: This is your DAUGHTER'S special day, whatever she wants, she should get. What you, your son, your other daughter, your aunt's uncles, nephews, second cousin twice removed think or want DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER. If she wants to get married naked, painted blue, with three tranvestites doing a daisy chain in the background, then she should have it......

Just remember this also, a lot of women dream about their wedding from almost the day they are born, they wait their whole life for this day to come, don't spoil her dream......help her achieve it. If her dream doesn't involve your asshole son? DON'T turn HER dream into a nightmare.......

...I totally agree.

 

[CapitalGuy]

OK wtf?

1) "Family first. Always." Bullshit, you can't choose your family and while you may love them, you don't have to like them. This equates to a family hiding and protecting Geoffry Dahmer because "he is/was family". Sorry, if your son is an ass, tell him he's an ass and there are consequences to being an ass, one of those is not being invited to his sister's wedding.....

2) A wedding is NOT a family affair. It is the celebration of a man and a woman starting THEIR life together and creating THEIR family. Everyone else's feelings are secondary. It is the bride and groom's decisiion as to who they want at the wedding, no ifs ands or buts. Doesn't matter who is paying for it either. A father covering the cost of his daughter's wedding should come with no conditions because isn't a father's love supposed to be unconditional?] ENDQUOTE

You're completely wrong. End of Story.

While a MARRIAGE might be about the bride and groom, a big family WEDDING is exactly that. A FAMILY wedding. It is one of the very very few major occasions in a family's life (that's right, a FAMILY's life, not just the bride's life) that will always be a point of reference for all other events. It is the responsibility of all participants to make it a magical day for the happy couple, however if a wedding was just about the bride and groom, they would just go to city hall by themselves, or elope. The decision to have a large party with family and friends puts the event into a different dimension, and it is no longer just about the (whiny, spoiled?) bride. The consequences of not inviting old Aunty Peggy will impact many more people than just the bride and groom. It could destroy other relationships in the family, no matter how much you bleat that the day is just about the love of the bride and groom. Human nature is human nature and it can't be escaped.

And if her dad is shelling out the funds for this event, you're damned straight that he has the right to influence who attends.

And if all that is too much hassle or angst for the little princess to deal with, she has two options.

a) elope
b) pay for everything herself, be an inconsiderate bitch and ignore family dynamics by cutting out those that SHE doesn't like, and be prepared to lose some family and friends due to her decisions.

 

[pool]

adults are kids that got bigger

1) you can't choose your family and while you may love them, you don't have to like them. if your son is an ass, tell him he's an ass and there are consequences to being an ass, one of those is not being invited to his sister's wedding

agreed, but if the son's negative behavior is, in fact, past history, the son should be willing to compromise and reassure his sister.

3) If the other daughter doesn't accept the honor of being with her sister on her special day then SHE has a lot of growing up to do and shouldn't be the maid of honor.

heheh ... why pick on the younger daughter ? I do believe you are right, in that, all bullshit should be set aside with consideration for the eldest sister being the priority, but middle sibling (sounds like a bad HK flick) obviously is considering the brother which, in itself, is certainly not a sign of immaturity. Maybe she's bluffing just to resolve the situation - who knows, given what little info we have. It seems to me that the eldest sister has some growing up to do and should try to resolve any conflicts, if possible. It does appear the eldest sister may feel like the world revolves around her. Hopefully she realises holding a grudge that isn't presently warranted, is selfish and destructive to both herself and others who aren't even directly involved. Not that age equals maturity, but she still is the eldest sibling; about to tackle the complexities of marriage and likely raising a family - it may be time to practice.

Getting back to the brother, and assuming he cares whether he attends [otherwise the dynamics change], if his appearance is a primary concern and her fiancée has no problem with the brother attending [presuming he knows his family's values], she needs to realise that anyone who would judge him on superficialities isn't worth worrying about. On the other hand the son should maybe consider [if he hasn't already] reducing the percentage of visible peircings to skin surface ratio and realise it's not that important in the scheme of things.

now, is everybody happy ... and are we invited to the wedding ?

if only they would follow r2d2's footsteps, face the issues and seek resolutions. Bring 'em on.



PS Then again he could just stick 'em all on a street corner with signs around their necks : )

 

[RTRD]

I'm pretty sure...

"Traditionally", even in Western Culture, until very recently the Bride and Groom had very little to say about the wedding, including who they were getting married to!

Weddings have been used to bond families, join empires, enforce peace treaties, but rarely used to celebrate romantic love. It is only in the past century that the idea of romantic love as the basis for marriage gained wide spread popularity. And still, in many parts of the world arranged marriages are the norm.

...that if you talk to most brides and grooms (in Western Culture), they are pretty glad this is no longer the case...

 

[Emma@OriginalDesires]

I understand completly what it's like to not get along with an "ass" of a younger brother, it's no fun. Ultimately it's her decision, she should invite whom ever she wants... IMHO

 

[Gord's Bro]

The Best Advice . . .

The only advice that I can give is not to take other peoples advice. You know deep in your heart what is the right thing to do (for you). Lots of good advice has been given here from a lot of different angles. Life is a learning process, and not always easy. I wish you good luck, and hope that all works out for you.

It's your daughter's wedding. She (and her fiance, hopefully) have to decide for themselves what will work FOR THEM.

When my wife's younger brother married, his parents wouldn't go to the wedding just because the bride had said something that pissed off my father-in-law. More than two years later, they showed up on his doorstep all lovey-dovey. His wife accepted them in and resumed a "normal" relationship with the in-laws. So do nothing, accept what is, and let you, your family, and your daughter and her new husband get on with their lives.

Gord's Bro . . .

Ooops, I think I've just given advice!!!

 

[stinkynuts]

My own feeling is that this is a once-in-a-lifetime event, perhaps one of the most important in one's life. It can never be brought back, and later down in life both parties may regret his absence.

 

[calloway]

Last time I checked weddings were made up of family and friends. So most... if not all of them already know your son can be an asshole. However they will not judge your daughter because of your son. They may judge you and your wife... but not your daughter. Every family member should be invited... if they don't bother to show or act like idiots... they will have to live with the guilt for the rest of their lives... not you and your daughter. If I were you... I'd take my son to the side for a little chat prior to the wedding and explain the importance of the situation for your daughter and that he should show some respect on one of the most important days of her life.

If that doesn't work... tell him you'll be making some changes to your will.

 

[james t kirk]

If it were my daughter playing the part of Bridezilla I would be ashamed to take part in a circus of sibling rivalry disguised as a wedding. She should be concentrating on her husband and her marriage and not trying to settle old fights with her brothers or use her wedding as anything other than a means to celebrate her marriage. She is clearly using this wedding to get back at her brother. She had a lot of growing up to do. Give her advice and let her know she will look back on a wedding that she turned into a stage for a family feud with shame and regret for the rest of her life. Stupid brat. What does the girl's fiance say about his wedding being used this way? What does his family say?

You hit the nail right on the head there boy.

 

[james t kirk]

OK wtf?


I'll tell you a little story: friend of mine was getting married, he and his bride didn't want kids at the wedding because, you know, they can be a blessing or a curse. Being a mediterranian wedding they knew the parents will let their kids go batshit. Well dear old dad had said that he would pay for half the wedding from the start but when he heard that they didn't want kids, (after everything was booked) he said he would pull the funds. They relented as they didn't have any choice at that point.

Well, during the video in the church you can't hear a fucking word that was said because of a baby crying and some other brat mouthing off constantly. Totally ruined the ceremony and of course you had a couple of little brats running around during the first dance, speeches, etc.

What a pair of losers your friends are.

You know the old saying, "beggars can't be choosers" If the old man was going to pull the funding (money is always the hard thing in life to come up with now isn't it?) and they didn't like it, they should have paid for their big splashy wedding themselves now shouldn't they. But no, they wanted daddy to pony up.

As far as the kids go, that's what kids do. I hardly doubt that it ruined "the ceremony", and oh, "the first dance" Big deal.

You obviously don't like kids do you.

And videos during the service??? WTF, that is so tacky. BTW, if "the video" is so important to them, they can have the background noise (kids being kids) edited out. It's easily done.

Congratulations to the old man from my point of view. I can just picture him (Clemenza from the Godfather), and I like him without even knowing him.

 

[james t kirk]

And if her dad is shelling out the funds for this event, you're damned straight that he has the right to influence who attends.

And if all that is too much hassle or angst for the little princess to deal with, she has two options.

a) elope
b) pay for everything herself, be an inconsiderate bitch and ignore family dynamics by cutting out those that SHE doesn't like, and be prepared to lose some family and friends due to her decisions.

I see someone else agrees with me.

Couldn't have said it better myself.

 

[pool]

If it were my daughter playing the part of Bridezilla I would be ashamed to take part in a circus of sibling rivalry disguised as a wedding.

Possibly, more correctly, the wedding has just brought unresolved issues into the light. It could well be that she doesn't want her brother there out of spite, to some degree, but as you know it's only speculation.





It seems to me that people in general put way too much value on the actual wedding and their expectations of what a wedding should be based on tradition and what not. The more I read this thread the more uneasy I feel about this notion of "it's her day" etc. Well it is, but it's also the fiancee's day, and her actions, as others have stated, could seriously hurt people who place value on their relationship with her, depending on the significance they attribute to such things as being invited to weddings. Usually in the end, for those who appreciate the unpredictability of the human element, it's just that which completes the value of the event. The bottom line is that they will be married and hopefully she should find security in that fact alone. Life is too short and it may be nice to live a "fairy tale" for a day, but if ya don't respect that thing called reality it will usually sneak back and bite ya in the ass.

I dunno ... at that age I didn't have the self awareness to stick to commitments to myself let alone commit to someone else, but I suppose that no matter what we do in life it is part of the growing process.

Unfortunately, it's uncertain whether it will be her one and only marriage, but it is certain [given the facts] she only has one brother, one sister, one father etc

On the other hand maybe the brother won't care although I doubt it. Either way, later on they may mend bridges with a little more life experience.



________________
To defy the laws of tradition is a crusade only of the brave ...

 

[orangeshirt]

And these are the " Days of our lives "