man talk

[Miss Maya Blue]

why is it all men say "they are not looking for a relationship".

this is a common phrase heard on a first date . or even prior to the first date..in emails or msn.
my gf's and i have been debating it lately.

do men actually mean it literally? i have always taken it as such. but i am beginning to think this is simply the basis from which all men come, including those that later shift gears and discover they actually do want a relationship. the only missing element for them is the right woman.

am i being naive here? help me out with your thoughts. im also curious, for those of you that are in relationships, were you looking for one when you met your beau? or would you too have had the same attitude?

 

[papasmerf]

Of course men want a long term relationship........Fact is we just don't want to get hurt or go broke in a divorce. Rather than saying we want to get married and live happily ever after (and scaring off a date). We elude to the fact we are open to it and yet never say it.

 

[Keebler Elf]

why is it all men say "they are not looking for a relationship".

They say it because/when they are looking for sex, not a relationship.

Yes, men sometimes want relationships. But sometimes men just want sex.

 

[Back Burner]

When men tell a woman they are not looking for a relationship, it usually means that they are not looking for a relationship with "you".

 

[Meister]

When men tell a woman they are not looking for a relationship, it usually means that they are not looking for a relationship with "you".

Is that the same as saying 'I'm not that into you?'

 

[spatial_k]

When men tell a woman they are not looking for a relationship, it usually means that they are not looking for a relationship with "you".

That's a possibility. Sometimes people are just really comfortable and happy with their lives and think that a relationship will change that- I think that's more true for males than females.

 

[lebeau]

Haha

When men tell a woman they are not looking for a relationship, it usually means that they are not looking for a relationship with "you".

Well said.

But I'd also say that just about every human being on the planet is looking for a relationship all the time. It's the curse of the garden: 2 is the only sanity.

Some people like to look before they leap, though, and that quick little disclaimer is designed to buy a few weeks of NSA indecision before the possibilities of the future sink in.

 

[twobigo]

It,s an escape hatch, cause if we bail,we can re assure her that "hey i did tell you i really didnt seek a relationship"...it really is only a defence mechanism

 

[Hangman]

"I'm not looking for a relationship" used to be my default position. I think in a lot of guys it's because we generally dislike change. As Misty points out,a lot of me nthink that a relationship means they'll have to change everyting. (Blame all the standup comedians who make wife jokes for that.)

Some things you do have to change (Apparently you have to fold the towels the same way every time when you live with a human female.) But the big things, who you are, etc, shouldn't change.

So to land a guy, don't get relationshippy, just become part of his life in a more gradual way, perhaps.

I don't know - the only luck I ever had with relationships, she basically kicked the door in and said "Right - I'll be staying for a while." (She hasn't left yet)

 

[whyte46]

Jasmine, the way for her to finish with someone like that is move out right away. It is dangerous to be with someone like that

 

[Polaris]

I think men basically are insecure.

They act macho, but they are not. Frail psyches. Not all men are like fragile psyches, but I think the majority are. The reasons, won't speculate on them here.

A relationship, with a woman, probably will only exasperate the feelings of insecurity, and possibile that a woman will give the man feelings of inadequacy too.

A test for the ladies here to do on any man, just talk about or ask the most intellectual topic you can think of and know relatively well. If the man's brain starts to buckle, then you know he is weak, and probably not relationship type of material.

The truth is I believe is that the majority of men cannot stand a woman who is smarter than him, or has the equal intellect as him. Unless, the woman wishes to be dominated, then the man would find that acceptable, because she would not be threatening in nature.

For a man to say "not looking for a relationship" when meeting a girl even on the first date, is just a self-protection mechanism. He wants to protect his feeble brain.

 

[The Fruity Hare]

"I'm not looking for a relationship" That statement allows the guy to opt out if things don't work out, and if they do, then he can make the next step.
Of course, there are many guys who also use that line to let the girl know this may just be a casual relationship.

If, however a guy introduces himself and says "I am looking for a relationship", what do you make of it then when he decides after a few weeks or months that he doesn't want to be with you.

In the first instance, a girl/woman wouldn't take it personally because he was upfront that the relationship angle was a non - starter. In the second instance, it would be a harder emotional and confidence hit because he was actually searching for a relationship but the lady was not up to his standards.

So if a guy says he is not interested, it may be that he is playing the field, or keeping his options open until he feels comfortable making the next step.

 

[The Fruity Hare]

Unfortunately, once the hitting starts, it rarely stops. Best thing for her is probably distance, and the sooner the better.

 

[RTRD]

I mostly...

When men tell a woman they are not looking for a relationship, it usually means that they are not looking for a relationship with "you".

...cosign here, though there have been times (right after both divorces) when I WASN'T looking for a relationship, because my life was too complicated. I did in fact put it right "out there", and discovered many women were not either.

But yeah, unless the guy is just coming out of a SERIOUS relationship that still has impact on his life that is complicating, that is what it means.

Means the same thing when women say it as well...

To answer the question posed (even though I don't have a "beau"), no I wasn't looking for a relationship when I came into my last / current one. Lucky for me, she understood where I was emotionally (she had been there, given that she is seperated as well), and she sort of hung around until I figured things out. I just needed time...I just didn't want my life becoming even MORE complicated. And frankly, the current level of complication probably wouldn't be understood or tolerated by anyone who wasn't also seperated and didn't also have kids....so if I were not (tentatively) attached right now, I'd probably still tell people I wasn't looking for a relationship.

 

[Hard Idle]

Sometimes they mean it literally.

Sometimes it's a disclaimer/waiver (as per twobigo)

Sometimes it's a bluff to conceal that he really wants a relationship but wants to look cool about it, or maybe just throwing it up to save face in case of failure.

 

[sweetm]

I think the phrase gives guys an out. Guys are always looking for something better, new or exciting. By saying this a guy thinks, right or wrong, that he can still survey the landscape for other opportunities. It's a way to limit the damage done if he should find someone new and decide to cut ties with a woman.

 

[Never Compromised]

I have found that if I start off by saying that I'm looking for a relationship, some women think that is pushy or that I am insecure about being alone, or that I have feelings and must obviously be gay.

And there are women that don't want to be tied down. I've had girlfriends that wanted someone to go out for dinner with or a movie or take to the company event, but made it clear that they were career minded and did not want to settle down at that time. So, either I could say "I'm not looking for a relationship" and get laid, or I could say "but I want a relationship" and have to chase someone else.

 

[CALLMEBOND]

Well said compromised; it seems most women today if you started out by saying you were "looking for a relationship" would just dart. Far easier to just say no and keeps you from getting burned or let down in the end, and if something happens after then so be it.

 

[Miss Maya Blue]

~

keep the replies rolling! i find this fascinating

 

[Francesca22]

Read "Why Men Marry bitches" Or "Why men Love Bitches"

It's all there hahahaa


Want a copy?