Jokes of the day

[onomatopoeia]

In Germany, (early 1970's), a woman had unprotected sex with two different men on the same day. One of them was a White German businessman, and the other was a Black American soldier, stationed at an army base. She was ovulating at the time, and nine months later, she gave birth to fraternal twin boys. One son was White, and the other was Black, so she named them Edward and Enward.

 

[shack]

When 3 people have sex, it is a threesome.
When 2 people have sex, it is a twosome.
The next time somebody calls you handsome, don't take it as a compliment.

 

[JohnHenry]

Doctor to widow: Your husband died of a massive myocardial infarction.
Widow to neighbour: He died of a massive internal fart.

 

[y2kmark]

An Englishman, a Canadian and an Irishman are sitting at the bar. The first mug of beer arrives and there's a fly in it. The Englishman looks and turns away disgustedly "Oh, take that away!"
The Canadian grabs it, picks out the fly and sets it on the bar. "Not to proud, eh?" and proceeds to down the beer.
Meanwhile the Irishman leans down over the fly and screams "Spit it out, spit it out, you BASTARD!!"


Happy St. Patrick's day, everybody...

 

[thirdcup]

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Scotsman, and a Chinese each were served a bowl of soup, and each bowl had a fly in it. The Englishman removed the fly and ate his soup. The Frenchman, accustomed to French cuisine refused to eat his soup. The Scotsman removed his fly, and sold it to the Chinese.

 

[thirdcup]

In Germany, (early 1970's), a woman had unprotected sex with two different men on the same day. One of them was a White German businessman, and the other was a Black American soldier, stationed at an army base. She was ovulating at the time, and nine months later, she gave birth to fraternal twin boys. One son was White, and the other was Black, so she named them Edward and Enward.

A different, poverty stricken woman gave birth to identical twin boys. She and her husband could not afford them, so they put the boys up for adoption. One was adopted by a Spanish couple, and they named him Juan. The other was adopted by an Egyptian couple and they named him Amal.

The birth mother was sad to do this, but she had no choice. She missed her boys. Many years later, she received a picture from Juan. She said to her husband "It's great that Juan sent me a picture. Now I wish that Amal would do the same." Her husband answered that they are identical twins. Therefore, if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.

 

[glamphotographer]

Someone stole my anti-depressant pills. I hope they're happy now.

 

[JohnHenry]

What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral ?

...one less drunk

 

[glamphotographer]

A son kept bothering his father while working at home. The father told his son to go play outside but the son said dad it's minus 30 degrees. The father told his son to stand in the corner, its' 90 degrees.

 

[onomatopoeia]

There was a wine steward named Fred.
Whose dick had a corkscrew shaped head.

He found, having hunted,
A girl, corkscrew cunted,

But alas! With a Fred-reversed thread.

 

[onomatopoeia]

A sickly young virginal bride,
Ate a green apple and died.

The apple fermented,
Inside the lamented,

And turned to cider inside her inside.

 

[PeteOsborne]

These are old ones.
What is the difference between a blond and a computer?
A blond won't accept a 3 and a half inch floppy.
Why is a blond and a computer the same?
You don't appreciate either one till they go down on you.

 

[onomatopoeia]

A redhead woman goes to a tattoo parlour, and asks the artist to draw the faces of her two favorite hockey players on the insides of her thighs. When he finishes his work, she looks down, and is horrified with the poor result. The artist disagrees, saying that he thinks they look just like them. The two agree that they will get a third opinion from the first person they see, to see if the faces can be recognized. They walk out the door, and a drunk is sprawled out on the curb. The woman goes up to the drunk, lifts up her skirt, and says OK, you, can you recognize these hockey players? The drunk blinks a couple of times, and says "I'm not sure about the wingers, but the center man looks like Lanny McDonald".

 

[onomatopoeia]

There was a sailor who wasn't good at spelling. On shore leave, he spent the night in a warehouse.

 

[JeanGary Diablo]

A Canadian from Ontario, a Newfie, and a Pakistani meet in the waiting room at a hospital.

Over the course of a conversation, it becomes apparent that all three are expectant fathers, all are first-timers, and all their wives are in labour right at that very moment.

The three start talking and are getting on rather well when the doctor appears, looking a little bit flustered.

“Gentlemen, I’m pleased to say that all your wives have delivered healthy sons, my congratulations to all of you. ...

"However, I’m afraid we do have a problem. We’re a small hospital and we’re not used to the maternity ward being quite so busy -- I’m afraid that the midwife forgot to label the baby cots. We don’t know whose baby is whose!!!”

The Pakistani gentlemen smiles and says “Well, I think I can probably pick mine out of the three, but you two have got a serious problem.”

“Nonsense!”, says the Newfie, “I can tell my own son! Come on, b'y, we can sort this out between us.”

The Ontarian reluctantly agrees, and the three march off to the maternity ward. On arrival, the Ontarian enters first and promptly returns with what is, very obviously, the Pakistani child.

The Pakistani fellow protests, as you would, to which the Ontarian says:

“Sorry, buddy, but one of them in there's a Newfie, and I’m not taking any chances!”

 

[onomatopoeia]

A handsome but stupid young man is working as a parking lot attendant. An older cougar goes up to the booth, whispers to him "I've got an itchy pussy".and winks. He says "You'll have to point it out to me, lady. Those Japanese sports cars all look the same to me

 

[onomatopoeia]

Race walking is a funny sport. They look like they need to take a dump, and they're three blocks from home.

 

[y2kmark]

A Canadian from Ontario, a Newfie, and a Pakistani meet in the waiting room at a hospital.

Over the course of a conversation, it becomes apparent that all three are expectant fathers, all are first-timers, and all their wives are in labour right at that very moment.

The three start talking and are getting on rather well when the doctor appears, looking a little bit flustered.

“Gentlemen, I’m pleased to say that all your wives have delivered healthy sons, my congratulations to all of you. ...

"However, I’m afraid we do have a problem. We’re a small hospital and we’re not used to the maternity ward being quite so busy -- I’m afraid that the midwife forgot to label the baby cots. We don’t know whose baby is whose!!!”

The Pakistani gentlemen smiles and says “Well, I think I can probably pick mine out of the three, but you two have got a serious problem.”

“Nonsense!”, says the Newfie, “I can tell my own son! Come on, b'y, we can sort this out between us.”

The Ontarian reluctantly agrees, and the three march off to the maternity ward. On arrival, the Ontarian enters first and promptly returns with what is, very obviously, the Pakistani child.

The Pakistani fellow protests, as you would, to which the Ontarian says:

“Sorry, buddy, but one of them in there's a Newfie, and I’m not taking any chances!”

View attachment 39007

Race walking is a funny sport. They look like they need to take a dump, and they're three blocks from home.

It's called speed walking, they seldom consider themselves as racists...

 

[y2kmark]

A handsome but stupid young man is working as a parking lot attendant. An older cougar goes up to the booth, whispers to him "I've got an itchy pussy".and winks. He says "You'll have to point it out to me, lady. Those Japanese sports cars all look the same to me

Handsome, but stupid OR very witty...

 

[onomatopoeia]

I used to be a mod on a computer fonts message board. I was feuding with one of the other mods, from France, and posted this image in the thread:

In order to read it, he'd first have to recognize which font it is, (WingDings), then scroll through the character map to match each picture with a letter, number, or punctuation mark. I guess he did that, because a few days later, he deleted the thread. It says: Don't fuck with me bitch, I'm not telling your French ass again!