Jokes of the day

[thirdcup]

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with, "A man once told me..."


To the ladies reading this.... remember, these are jokes. They are meant to be funny.

 

[shack]

Do you know what they say about a man with big feet?

He has good balance.

 

[bver_hunter]

Do you know why it is not always a good idea to refer to your in-laws as "outlaws"?
Because there is a subtle difference between in-laws and outlaws.
Outlaws are always wanted!!

Told my ex about it, and that is why I am single now!!

 

[onomatopoeia]

Guy #1: How do you bang a fat chick? Roll her in flour, and go for the wet spot!

Guy #2: You shouldn't make jokes about battered women.

 

[unassuming]

Guy#1 puts Guy#2 in a "Half Nelson" hold and asks "What's this?"

Guy#2 says "a Half Nelson"

Guy#1 responds , "That's right!" and then puts Guy#2 in a "Full Nelson" hold and asks "What's this?"

Guy#2 says "a Full Nelson"

Guy#1 responds, "That's right" and while still in a full nelson hold on guy#2, pretends to fuck him in the ass by thrusting his pelvis onto his ass and says "What's this"

Guy#2 says "I don't know, what?"

Guy#1 says "Father Nelson!!"

 

[danmand]

A man asked the doctor...
- ′′ Where does the heart actually sit?"
- ′′ It's about sitting. 2 cm. under the left chest."
Later that same day the husband's wife was admitted with one
gunshot wound left knee.

 

[Archer2012]

If a Man is in a forest and says something and no Woman is around to hear it.
Is he still wrong?

 

[bemeup]

Q: What do you call a Mexican woman with no legs?
A: Consuelo.

 

[onomatopoeia]

Q: Why did the Klingon Warrior cross the road?

A: That is NOT your concern!

 

[lessjamie7]

A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun. Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun. "Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I'm sure you could convince her to have sex with you." The man decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume. At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her. "Oh, God!" she exclaims. "Take me with you!" The man tells the nun that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty. The nun says yes, but tells him she prefers anal sex. Before you know it, they're getting down to it, having nasty, grunty, loud sex. After it's over, the man pulls off his God disguise. "Ha, ha!" he says, "I'm the man from the bus!" "Ha, ha!" says the nun, removing her costume, "I'm the bus driver!"

LJ

 

[lessjamie7]

A bus full of ugly people had a head on collision with a truck. When they died, God granted all of them one wish. The first person said, "I want to be gorgeous." God snapped his fingers and it happened. The second person said the same thing and God did the same thing. This want on and on throughout the group. God noticed the last man in line was laughing hysterically. By the time God got to the last ten people, the last man was laughing and rolling on the ground. When the man's turn came, he laughed and said, "I wish they were all ugly again."

LJ

 

[lessjamie7]

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!"

LJ

 

[lessjamie7]

A man saw a lady with big breasts. He asked, "Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for $1000?" She agrees, so they go to a secluded corner. She opens her blouse and the man puts his face in her breasts for 10 minutes." Eventually, the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?" He replies, "No, it's too expensive."

LJ

 

[danmand]

There was a big tragedy on HWY 1 in California; a bus full of lawyers on a tour fell of a cliff, and everybody on the bus died.

Why was that a tragedy?

There were 2 empty seats.

 

[onomatopoeia]

I have really strong gaydar. I can tell when a guy's gay even when he isn't.

 

[onomatopoeia]

A cop is carding a guy because 'he resembles the description of a robbery suspect'.

Cop: And where were you born, sir?
Suspect: Somalia.
Cop: And which alley was that, sir?

 

[Archer2012]

There was a big tragedy on HWY 1 in California; a bus full of lawyers on a tour fell of a cliff, and everybody on the bus died.

Why was that a tragedy?

There were 2 empty seats.

Why do they bury Lawyers 10 feet down instead of six like normal people?
Cause deep down their good people!

 

[y2kmark]

A blonde and her husband are home in bed, but they can't get to sleep because the next door neighbors dog is barking and howling non-stop.
"I'm going to take care of this" She said and went downstairs.
Comes back a little later and gets back in bed. " I fixed that" she said.
But honey, the dog is barking even worse than ever"

"Yes, but I got him to come into OUR yard, lets see how THEY like it!"

 

[Robert Mugabe]

Old lady sits down in a restaurant and the waiter comes up and asks what she would like.
She says " I will have the steak and kiddly pie"
He pauses and then says "you mean kidney"
She yells " I said kiddly, diddl I ?"

 

[onomatopoeia]

Old lady sits down in a restaurant and the waiter comes up and asks what she would like.
She says " I will have the steak and kiddly pie"
He pauses and then says "you mean kidney"
She yells " I said kiddly, diddl I ?"

Data will tell this joke in an episode of Star Trek TNG, in about 300 years from now.