Good Pun Fun

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H

HafDun

Member
Jan 15, 2004
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16

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer.
After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who owns the big white horse outside?
"The Lone Ranger said, "I do, Why?"
The cowboy said, "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!"
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough, Silver was about to die from heat exhaustion.
The Lone Ranger got water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.The Lone Ranger turns to Tonto
and says, "I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to help cool him down".
Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and begins running circles around Silver. Unable to do anything except wait, the
Lone Ranger returns to the bar to finish his drink.
A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?
"The Lone Ranger says, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?"
The cowboy looks him in the eye and says,
"Nothing, but you left your Injun running!"
 
H

HafDun

Member
Jan 15, 2004
759
0
16
Two robins were sitting in a tree.
"I'm really hungry," said the first one. "Let's fly down and find some lunch."
They flew down to the ground and found a nice plot of newly plowed ground that was full of worms. They ate and ate and ate till they could eat no more.
"I m so full, I don't think I can fly back up into the tree," said the first one.
"Let's just lay back here and bask in the warm sun," said the second.
"O K," said the first.
So they plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had fallen asleep, when a big fat tomcat up and gobbled them up.

As the cat sat washing his face after his meal, he thought...


.......



.......




.......
"I JUST LOVE BASKIN ROBINS."
 
P

papasmerf

New member
Oct 22, 2002
26,531
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42.55.65N 78.43.73W
Papa draws a .306 and warns hafdun to cut the off the wall humor
 
S

stinkynuts

Super
Jan 4, 2005
7,902
2,364
113
There once was this guy who worked for the Railroad as a conductor. Let's say his name was Joe. Well, Joe was walking through the train, en route, collecting tickets from the passengers. He comes to car 12, booth 3. In it was a man.

So, he asked him for his ticket: "Excuse me sir, do have your ticket?"

"Oh, I am soooo sorry, I dropped it out the window by accident," he replied.

"Sorry sir, can't have any passengers without tickets." He grabbed him by the scruff of the neck and threw him out of the train. Well, he landed on the tracks and was run over by the train. Naturally, the conductor was arrested and thrown in jail. He was convicted of murder before a jury of his peers, and sentenced to death by electrocution.

The day of his execution came up, and he was asked what he would like for his last meal. He asks for a banana. They gave it to him, he ate it, received his last rites, and was escorted to the chair. The executioner strapped him in, hooked everything up. Last, he threw the big switch once, and nothing happened. So, he did it again, and nothing happened. Well, by law the guy was legally dead, so they had to release him.

Oddly enough, the guy got a job on another railroad, as a conductor! One day, he was gathering tickets, and came to a booth with a little boy.

"Young man, do you have your ticket?", asked the conductor.

"A-a-a, I'm sorry, I ate it by mistake..", said the little boy.

And.. the same thing happened -- the boy was thrown off the train and killed. The guy was arrested, sentenced to death by electrocution. It came to him last day. The death row guard asked him what he would like for his meal. He asked for banana again. He ate it, and a priest gave him last rites.

He was escorted to the death chamber. This time, though, they were smart.

They washed his hands to get rid of any banana slime, they washed up the chair. Next, they placed him the chair, and hooked him up. The switch-puller pulled the switch once, and nothing happened. The switch-puller pulled the switch twice, and nothing happened, not even a single hair raising on the guy's chest.

Well, as the law says, they had to let him go...

Even more amazingly, he got a job on yet another railroad.

This time it was a rabbi. Same old stuff. Rabbi had no ticket (he forgot to buy it). Guy threw him off the train, rabbi died. Guy was arrested, convicted, sentenced to death by electrocution.

When the guard asked him what he would like for a last meal, he asked for a banana. He ate it, received last rites, and was escorted to the chamber.

However, this time the officials where going to get it right! They scrubbed his body with a brillo pad. They scrubbed the chair with steel wool. They tried the chair on a few other prisoners...

Okay, they strapped him in, and threw the switch once, nothing happened. Threw the switch a second time, nothing happened. At this point the guy was legally dead, etc, etc.

But, before the guy could leave, the executioner, extremely frustrated (he'd seen this same guy three times already). asked, "What is it with the banana!"

The guy replied, "I just like bananas."

So, the executioner screamed, "THEN HOW COME YOU DON'T DIE!!!!!"

"I dunno," replied the guy, "I guess I'm just not a very good conductor."

:D
 
H

HafDun

Member
Jan 15, 2004
759
0
16
For Papasmerf

There was a family of three moles. They lived outside a home. The family in the house was making breakfast.
The father mole stuck his head outside of the hole and said I smell bacon and eggs. The mother stuck her head out the hole and said I smell sauage and french toast.
The baby mole not able to get his head through said I smell molasses.
 
L

LancsLad

Unstable Element
Jan 15, 2004
18,089
0
0
In a very dark place
Did you hear about the miracle at Home Depot last week??


Seems a family took their blind son with them and when they were picking out skill saws this young boy apparently picked up a hammer and saw.
 
G

great bear

The PUNisher
Apr 11, 2004
16,168
54
48
Nice Dens
LancsLad said:
Did you hear about the miracle at Home Depot last week??


Seems a family took their blind son with them and when they were picking out skill saws this young boy apparently picked up a hammer and saw.
Click to expand...
Now, that's bad, really bad.
 
G

great bear

The PUNisher
Apr 11, 2004
16,168
54
48
Nice Dens
LancsLad said:
Did you hear about the miracle at Home Depot last week??


Seems a family took their blind son with them and when they were picking out skill saws this young boy apparently picked up a hammer and saw.
Click to expand...
Better lathe than never.
 
B

bobistheowl

New member
Jul 12, 2003
4,403
3
0
Toronto
I was sitting in a Burger King once, and six Latina girls walked in. The one on the far left was wearing a very shiny lip gloss, so I thought to myself: The sixth Spick chick's lipstick's slick.
 
G

great bear

The PUNisher
Apr 11, 2004
16,168
54
48
Nice Dens
Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my Electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."


This one should increase the value of my handle tenfold.
 
H

HafDun

Member
Jan 15, 2004
759
0
16
The stock market has gotten so bad that you can actually hear the Dow Jones, Standard & Poor and the NASDAQ crying.
They are calling this phenomenon the "Three Market Tears".
 
M

MissCroft

Sweetie Pie
Feb 23, 2004
7,114
853
113
Toronto
A Fishy Tale

The prettiest she-fish in the whole aquarium was Sara Dean. Young Haddock's gills fluttered with suppressed poisson every time she and her friend Min O slithered down the pike. Chowder kipper in comfort was his consuming obsession.

Trouble loomed, however, when the two girls worked out a sister act and opened in the Hollywood Bowl. An interested member of the audience was Rufus Goldfish, who sat in the second roe (he was slightly hard of herring). He told a grouper friends later, "Confidentially, the girls' act smelt. However I found the one barracuda. The other one should've kept a tarpon." Young Haddock's sole shriveled at these words. That bass tard! "Only an act of cod will keep my Sara out of his clutches," he muttered shadly. Min O tried to rally him. "Don't be blue," she said. You are no common weakfish, angel. Salmon up your courage; get in there and put that sailfish old flounder t'rout".

Thanks, Min," he spluttered. By gum and bivalve, I'll get out of this pickerel yet. If that shrimp expects to mackerel have me to reckon with!" Suiting the action to the words, casting a hook that was a real sinker, he knocked his rival off his perch and tipped the scales so effishently that poor Mr. Goldfish whaled for the carps - and a sturgeon to get the bones out of his mouth.

"I did it on porpoise!" cried Haddock, clasping Sara Dean, who looked prettier than Marlin Dietrich, to his slippery chest. It was all such a shark to Mr. Goldfish that he's been eel to this day.

Finny
 
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