Do you regret getting married?
- Thread starter Athena06
- Start date
This is the best thing I`ve read on all boards across Canada. Too many hobbyists delude themselves into thinking that they`re bonding with SPs. This is especially true for the poor chumps that never had a true relationship. Give me a break. Are you living with her? Do you really know her? Do you think she is sweet roses all the time, day in, day out? Of course not. You are paying for a fantasy.MLAM said:
I am married to a babe that can make the hottest SP think of becoming a lesbian. I am dead serious about this. The problem is her libido is horrible. Moreover, she uses sex as a weapon, as many women do when they get angry and are unable to communicate their thoughts.
But women do not understand that if they deny us sex, they are cheating us out of something natural. So do I feel guilty about cheating on my wife? Damn right I do. I would be inhuman if I did not. But I cannot keep denying myself of sex as I try to sort through my relationship problems.
Finally, read my other thread to get more insights on why men cheat:
https://terb.cc/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=133577
I provide two views in that thread worth reading.
GG
I'm 32 and never been married. Been in love and in a long term relationship but never married. I think the institution of marriage is slowly becoming outdated. Every man made instution that has been around for centuries slowly becomes outdated as societies evolve. Women are becoming more equal to men in terms of job status and money and are waiting longer to get into serious relationships and having children. Marriage was created as a business contract, a way to divide property. Love is natural, institution of marriage is not. Than again, being a greek boy, if I find that greek girl that I fall in love with I will probably have LOTS OF PRESSURE ON ME to have one of those big Greek weddings, with lots of olives, feta and of course goats. Take her back to my parents village and make her Queen of Petrina.
I cant say that I have ever regretted getting married as my SO is a lovely caring woman. She is a fantasic mother and lover. The problem...well we never seem to have time together anymore...she works at home and is very busy all the time. We tried the schedule thing....but found we were always rescheduling....Tried the dating thing....was just that...dinner movie...home to sleep. Rather than fighting or letting my feeling be hurt, (there was a time I thought I was undesirable to her) I started hobbying. With our sex issues out of the way we are able to grow as a couple and solidify our relationship.
Do I feel bad about it?...sometimes...but to me sex is just sex....its not love or anything even remotely close to what I feel for my wife.
Do I feel bad about it?...sometimes...but to me sex is just sex....its not love or anything even remotely close to what I feel for my wife.
popsiclepete,popsiclepete said:
I disagree with this view. It is a view that is largely based on our "modern" culture's focus on the self. Marriage, like all relationships, involves a lot of hard work and dedication. It is easy to say "fuck it, if she doesn't want to have sex with me, I'll get it elsewhere". But you're fooling yourself if you think this short term fix will bring you long term fulfillment.
If you find the right person - regardless of her ethnic background!!! - then I would seriously advise you to get married. There is nothing like having a true soul mate that you can share and build a life together. This isn't Hollywood fantasy but real life.
Many guys sees SPs for a variety of reasons. But those that try to have a surrogate relationship through hobbying inevitably end up frustrated and alone. Moreover, guys that ONLY have experienced SP encounters, are causing themselves grave harm without really knowing it. It is this insidious side of hobbying that many of us clients fail to recognize. They keep thinking "what's the big deal?" but they fail to see how they are impeding their personal development and their chances of experiencing a real relationship that isn't based on money.
Again, marriage involves work, sacrifice and most of all love. If you're only concerned about yourself, then DON'T GET MARRIED. But if you are willing to love and risk, I am all for the institution of marriage. And this advice comes from someone who is going through his own marrital problems.
GG
It can't be the same as what you feel for your wife. You KNOW your wife cares about you. She'll be by your side through thick and thin if she really loves you. An SP will be there as long as you pay her time. It's that plain and simple.bestillmehard said:
GG
I disagree, your wife MAY stick by you through thick and thin, or she may not.General Gonad said:
Most women are quite mercenary and will bail on you if a better opportunity presents itself.
Experience has taught me that the only women in this world a man can truly count on are his mother, and maybe his sister. Other than that...
Captain Kirk,james t kirk said:
Let me emphasize something in bold of what I wrote above:
"It can't be the same as what you feel for your wife. You KNOW your wife cares about you. She'll be by your side through thick and thin if she really loves you. An SP will be there as long as you pay her time. It's that plain and simple."
As far as my mother, father and siblings, I am lucky to say that I love them with all my heart. Some of the SPs I've met do not have the good fortune to say the same. Some of these ladies are incapable of committing to anything because their world was shattered during their childhood. Many clients are also incapable of committing to anything but their dicks, but that is another story.
GG
Good discussion. As for myself, I've mixed feelings. In the 10+ trs I've been married, there has been a slow inexorable decline in both the quantity and quality of our sex life. After a while this totally does a guy's head in. She protests that she still loves me, and the thought of losing me brings her to tears, however she is completely unwilling to make any sort of accommodation / compromise to improve things a little in terms of sex. I've suggested that if she's not really in the mood, I'd be happy for a HJ, a bit of oral, hell even a backrub, just some kind of physical intimacy to tide me over. Usually this causes even more conflict, just me mentioning it, but results in no change whatsoever. I'm completely at a loss now as to what to do. Sure i've really tried at all of the romantic stuff, but now basically can't be bothered, as its a 95% probability that a romantic evening will result in disappointment. She says " sex isnt everything, isit?" No it's not everything, but it is something. Part of what really gets me, is that very occasionally, like 1 or 2 times a year, we can have the most crazy insane sex you can imagine. However this is too like torture, since I know that the day after, and for the next several months, things will be back to normal.
On the other hand, she is really a great person, one who has helped me through a few really tough times in life. Also a fantastic mother, of two of the best kids in the world. For these reasons I'd hate to call it quits, but I don't know if I can mentally handle several more years of continuous rejection. My occasional hobbying gives me a few hours of fantasy where someone actually enjoys me physically, and is interested in making me happy, and recognizes my needs. It's terribly risky, since she'd probably divorce me for going to a SC, or looking at porn online, let alone going to MPs or SPs.
So do I regret getting married? I'd have to say somewhat. However now the cost of getting out of it would be to severely hurt someone I still really care about, as well as two great kids. I just don't know how much longer I can last in the current situation.
On the other hand, she is really a great person, one who has helped me through a few really tough times in life. Also a fantastic mother, of two of the best kids in the world. For these reasons I'd hate to call it quits, but I don't know if I can mentally handle several more years of continuous rejection. My occasional hobbying gives me a few hours of fantasy where someone actually enjoys me physically, and is interested in making me happy, and recognizes my needs. It's terribly risky, since she'd probably divorce me for going to a SC, or looking at porn online, let alone going to MPs or SPs.
So do I regret getting married? I'd have to say somewhat. However now the cost of getting out of it would be to severely hurt someone I still really care about, as well as two great kids. I just don't know how much longer I can last in the current situation.
This is the kind of post that troubles me. A good marriage except for the sex.massman said:
I find it odd that she would get riled up if you so much as visited a strip joint or looked at porn. To me, that indicates some deeper issues with sex.
The grim truth is that I doubt it (the sex) will get any better as time marches on. You have to make a decision whether to accept that, or get out of the marriage. She's not going to change since people for the most part are like elastic bands. They might change in the short term, however, they always drift back to the way they were. Hence, you either accept it, or leave her.
You're in a tough spot. Frankly, the best advice would be to continue to stay married and seek out other external outlets for your sex drive. You can no more change that aspect of your personality than she can hers. Keep it confidential, very confidential. If it gets too much to handle, then you have no choice but to get out. But since something like 70 percent of marriages are ended by the woman, odds are, you're in for the long haul.
I hear what you are saying, however, my personal opinion is that even if a woman "really loves you", you still can't trust her. I've never known any woman that I can truly trust other than my mother and my sister. My ex told me she loved me sometimes 10 times a day (no word of a lie) and I had no doubt that she did, however, there came a time that she re-evaluated that love and her decision was that she would do better by another man. (It's a long sordid story really.) I also think of a couple of girlfriends that I have had, on in particular who swore that she loved me more than life itself (and I did her as well), but there comes a time when they change their minds. You tell them your inner most fears and they swear that your secret is safe with them, then a year later they bring it up in your face.General Gonad said:Captain Kirk,
Let me emphasize something in bold of what I wrote above:
"It can't be the same as what you feel for your wife. You KNOW your wife cares about you. She'll be by your side through thick and thin if she really loves you. An SP will be there as long as you pay her time. It's that plain and simple."
As far as my mother, father and siblings, I am lucky to say that I love them with all my heart. Some of the SPs I've met do not have the good fortune to say the same. Some of these ladies are incapable of committing to anything because their world was shattered during their childhood. Many clients are also incapable of committing to anything but their dicks, but that is another story.
GG
Other than my mother and my sister, I have never known any female (GF, partner, friend) to keep her word long term. It's sad, but it is my experience. I simply don't trust women. They are simply hard wired to be out for themselves.
"the one thing that men and women alike can agree on is that you can't trust women!" I know this doesn't apply to everyone, but it's mostly true
I've enjoyed reading everyone's viewpoints in this thread. Having been married once myself, I would also like to voice my thoughts. I was married fairly young and the marriage lasted for 4 years. I do blame myself, mostly, for rushing into something that I was uncertain about. I was raised roman catholic and to believe that marriage is forever, and that any problems that arise can be smoothed out... love will prevail, right? Well, I ended up lying to myself and to my spouse so much in a futile effort to make things work, that the inevitable happened. Divorce.
A year ago (when we finally split) I would have said in a heartbeat that I regret the marriage. I know I would have said that I regret how I handled things, and how long I let it go on, but I have grown up so much over the last year, I couldn't imagine using a word like regret. If I start thinking that I wish the marriage didn't happen at all, or that I could have lived without those 4 years of experiences... I would not be the person I am today. Don't get me wrong, I am thankful the marriage is over, and sometimes daydream where I would be if it had happened differently, but to look back negatively doesn't get me anywhere. I can only look back and see where I made mistakes in order to learn to better handle myself in the future. A perfect opportunity for self-growth. That is what life is all about, right? (oh, and of course lots gratuitous sexual pleasure!)
So my answer is no, I do not regret getting married. Would I do it again? maybe. But I certainly wouldn't rush into anything, knowing what I know. I've had the ceremony, the white dress, the big family-and-friends dinner the honeymoon... and really, it wasn't all that. If marriage is in the cards for me in the future... I think I'll elope!
I've enjoyed reading everyone's viewpoints in this thread. Having been married once myself, I would also like to voice my thoughts. I was married fairly young and the marriage lasted for 4 years. I do blame myself, mostly, for rushing into something that I was uncertain about. I was raised roman catholic and to believe that marriage is forever, and that any problems that arise can be smoothed out... love will prevail, right? Well, I ended up lying to myself and to my spouse so much in a futile effort to make things work, that the inevitable happened. Divorce.
A year ago (when we finally split) I would have said in a heartbeat that I regret the marriage. I know I would have said that I regret how I handled things, and how long I let it go on, but I have grown up so much over the last year, I couldn't imagine using a word like regret. If I start thinking that I wish the marriage didn't happen at all, or that I could have lived without those 4 years of experiences... I would not be the person I am today. Don't get me wrong, I am thankful the marriage is over, and sometimes daydream where I would be if it had happened differently, but to look back negatively doesn't get me anywhere. I can only look back and see where I made mistakes in order to learn to better handle myself in the future. A perfect opportunity for self-growth. That is what life is all about, right? (oh, and of course lots gratuitous sexual pleasure!)
So my answer is no, I do not regret getting married. Would I do it again? maybe. But I certainly wouldn't rush into anything, knowing what I know. I've had the ceremony, the white dress, the big family-and-friends dinner the honeymoon... and really, it wasn't all that. If marriage is in the cards for me in the future... I think I'll elope!
Alexa, I think sexual monogamy is not natural. I think it's been proven that all species screw around.
But partnering is natural. Many species partner up to make a home and life together. Last Spring, we had a couple robins make a nest on a flood light outside our garage -- what a life! Those poor birds were working their butts off, and in the end, I think they lost all their chicks except the one that fell out of the nest behind a storage bin on our patio. That one, we took to a bird sanctuary. But somehow or other, nature instructed these birds to work together towards a common goal.
I feel it in my own life. Our daughter is grown, and I just have my husband, dogs and goldfish now, but somehow, no matter what shit hits the fan, I feel a natural drive to keep making it all work out, to keep making the nest and nurturing. I do think nature programmed us this way.
..c..
But partnering is natural. Many species partner up to make a home and life together. Last Spring, we had a couple robins make a nest on a flood light outside our garage -- what a life! Those poor birds were working their butts off, and in the end, I think they lost all their chicks except the one that fell out of the nest behind a storage bin on our patio. That one, we took to a bird sanctuary. But somehow or other, nature instructed these birds to work together towards a common goal.
I feel it in my own life. Our daughter is grown, and I just have my husband, dogs and goldfish now, but somehow, no matter what shit hits the fan, I feel a natural drive to keep making it all work out, to keep making the nest and nurturing. I do think nature programmed us this way.
..c..
great discusssion thus far..
Gentlemen,
I do appreciate your honest responses. here are are few replies to the members that took the time to write how they feel:
>>maassman,
I really feel for you. You are really in a difficult position because you have kids. This really changes the dynamics. A fellow Montreal hobbyist that I know has not had sex with his wife in four years. Yes, four years. Ever since she had her second child, it is impossible. This guy has a voracious libido and needs sex. He loves his wife and his kids so he does not want to destabilize his family environment. He has accepted his fate and even though it is costly, he prefers to see SPs to deal with his sexual urges.
I do not think it is the only solution. NBC had a great segment on the sexless marriage. I urge you to read the transcripts here:
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/13865371
I hope you work things through.
>>Captain Kirk,
It sounds to me like you've been burnt and now mistrust all women. I have seen it countless times but I still think it is worth loving and risking than never loving at all. (I know, it's a cliche)
>>Sexy Violet,
Regret is a waste. You can't change your past, only learn from it. So it didn't work out quite the way you thought it would. So what? You learned a shit load about marriage and that it isn't all roses. I hated the fucking hoopla with the ring and planning the wedding. I think this is bullshit but we did it because she wanted it and so did our parents. The honeymoon was great but then once the mundane, day to day routine starts, well it isn't all peachy.
What pisses me off is when my wife says stupidities like "I couldn't imagine my life like this." Hello??? It's not like she has it that bad. I have a great job and I take great care of her both emotionally and financially.
Well, to be honest, the lack of intimicay has made me distance myself emotionally. I know it is wrong but I keep hitting a brick wall when I try to discuss what bothers me. So out of sheer frustration, I turn to hobbying, which I know isn't the wisest thing to do.
One thing I know about life: you never know how things will turn out so try to live each and every day as if it were your last one.
GG
Gentlemen,
I do appreciate your honest responses. here are are few replies to the members that took the time to write how they feel:
>>maassman,
I really feel for you. You are really in a difficult position because you have kids. This really changes the dynamics. A fellow Montreal hobbyist that I know has not had sex with his wife in four years. Yes, four years. Ever since she had her second child, it is impossible. This guy has a voracious libido and needs sex. He loves his wife and his kids so he does not want to destabilize his family environment. He has accepted his fate and even though it is costly, he prefers to see SPs to deal with his sexual urges.
I do not think it is the only solution. NBC had a great segment on the sexless marriage. I urge you to read the transcripts here:
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/13865371
I hope you work things through.
>>Captain Kirk,
It sounds to me like you've been burnt and now mistrust all women. I have seen it countless times but I still think it is worth loving and risking than never loving at all. (I know, it's a cliche)
>>Sexy Violet,
Regret is a waste. You can't change your past, only learn from it. So it didn't work out quite the way you thought it would. So what? You learned a shit load about marriage and that it isn't all roses. I hated the fucking hoopla with the ring and planning the wedding. I think this is bullshit but we did it because she wanted it and so did our parents. The honeymoon was great but then once the mundane, day to day routine starts, well it isn't all peachy.
What pisses me off is when my wife says stupidities like "I couldn't imagine my life like this." Hello??? It's not like she has it that bad. I have a great job and I take great care of her both emotionally and financially.
Well, to be honest, the lack of intimicay has made me distance myself emotionally. I know it is wrong but I keep hitting a brick wall when I try to discuss what bothers me. So out of sheer frustration, I turn to hobbying, which I know isn't the wisest thing to do.
One thing I know about life: you never know how things will turn out so try to live each and every day as if it were your last one.
GG
Gen Gonad, and cap'n kirk, thanks for the sympathy and advice.
JT Kirk. You say all the things that are in my head. Its a damned if you do / if you don't situation for sure. At this point, I think you are right. Its unlikely she'll change much. I feel bad saying that but its true. i think I knew this deep down, when we had our first kid. As soon as we found she was pregnant, I freaked out a lot, didn't let anyone know but I friggin was paniocking. Not because I was scared of having a kid, but that this would very firmly seal the deal, I wasn't getting out. Though if I had bailed earlier, I'd not have these great kids, which really would be a tragedy.
As for her issues regarding sex, she's definitely onthe conservative side. I think that in some way her upbrininging has had an effect on her, she still somehow sees sex as a bit dirty. Like I'd said before, when (on the rare occasion) it does happen she can be like an animal. But I think that after, she's somehow embarrassed sometimes. The thing is, if it was more of a "regular occurrence" then the hype and some of the part of it that she feels is weird or wrong would go waway, but the probelm is, every month or 2 is not enough to progress anywhere in a sexual relationship.
Gen gonad, thanks for the article, I'll study it carefully (thogh its like ten pages so I'll need some serious free time!). The thing is, all these articles give an example of someone who has a great marriage except for the sex. Unfortunately for me these two things are mutually exclusive. If there is no sex, then I'm pissed, and resentful, and she resents me being demanding and resentful and it is impossible to have a good relationship otherwise.
I feel for your buddy in MTL. I guess I can think I'm better off than somebody. Though We've probably had sex ahlf a dozen times since the new year. I have a great way of keeping track. We use condoms as contraceptives, (she cant take pill dur to health reasons). I bought a dozen at xmas, and there are 6 left. Actually if she just said "no more sex" maybe that'd be easier)
I suppose i should be seeing some marriage / sex counsellor, rather than spilling my guts on terb, but I'm sure I'd be going to the counsellor alone.
JT Kirk. You say all the things that are in my head. Its a damned if you do / if you don't situation for sure. At this point, I think you are right. Its unlikely she'll change much. I feel bad saying that but its true. i think I knew this deep down, when we had our first kid. As soon as we found she was pregnant, I freaked out a lot, didn't let anyone know but I friggin was paniocking. Not because I was scared of having a kid, but that this would very firmly seal the deal, I wasn't getting out. Though if I had bailed earlier, I'd not have these great kids, which really would be a tragedy.
As for her issues regarding sex, she's definitely onthe conservative side. I think that in some way her upbrininging has had an effect on her, she still somehow sees sex as a bit dirty. Like I'd said before, when (on the rare occasion) it does happen she can be like an animal. But I think that after, she's somehow embarrassed sometimes. The thing is, if it was more of a "regular occurrence" then the hype and some of the part of it that she feels is weird or wrong would go waway, but the probelm is, every month or 2 is not enough to progress anywhere in a sexual relationship.
Gen gonad, thanks for the article, I'll study it carefully (thogh its like ten pages so I'll need some serious free time!). The thing is, all these articles give an example of someone who has a great marriage except for the sex. Unfortunately for me these two things are mutually exclusive. If there is no sex, then I'm pissed, and resentful, and she resents me being demanding and resentful and it is impossible to have a good relationship otherwise.
I feel for your buddy in MTL. I guess I can think I'm better off than somebody. Though We've probably had sex ahlf a dozen times since the new year. I have a great way of keeping track. We use condoms as contraceptives, (she cant take pill dur to health reasons). I bought a dozen at xmas, and there are 6 left. Actually if she just said "no more sex" maybe that'd be easier)
I suppose i should be seeing some marriage / sex counsellor, rather than spilling my guts on terb, but I'm sure I'd be going to the counsellor alone.
stay the course....
A counsellor might help but why not pick up a book first? Read the quote below from the link I posted:
"So what’s going wrong in these two marriages and in millions of others?
Absolutely nothing, says Dr. David Schnarch, author of 3 popular books, including “Passionate Marriage.” This clinical psychologist has counseled thousands of sexless couples, taught hundreds of sex therapists around the world and practiced what he preaches in his own 18 year marriage.
Dr. Schnarch isn’t surprised Jack and Tammy’s special dates, hormone creams or conventional therapy have failed to solve their problem. He says they never work because those fixes are based on a myth.
Dr. Schnarch: We have to stop thinking that sex is a biological function that happens automatically and if it doesn’t you are screwed up.
Dr. Schnarch says intimacy can be revived whether a couple has been sexless for 5 years or 50. But first, you must avoid a prime sex killer in marriage. That is, allowing what your spouse thinks of you to determine how you feel about yourself.
Schnarch: Your lives are so entwined and what literally happens is over the course of time, in most marriages, your partner becomes too important to show the hidden sexual side of yourself.
And so over time, spouses decide it’s too risky to be brutally honest about their desires or deepest feelings and chose to protect the status quo with years of compromise. Sex is lousy and soon come the fights about who wants sex and who doesn’t.
Schnarch: The assumption has always been the low desire partner is frigid or doesn’t like sex the reason they are the low desire partner is they know the sex they’re having isn’t worth wanting. It’s the high desire partner you really gotta wonder about because the sex is so lousy and they want two helpings of it.
massman said:
A counsellor might help but why not pick up a book first? Read the quote below from the link I posted:
"So what’s going wrong in these two marriages and in millions of others?
Absolutely nothing, says Dr. David Schnarch, author of 3 popular books, including “Passionate Marriage.” This clinical psychologist has counseled thousands of sexless couples, taught hundreds of sex therapists around the world and practiced what he preaches in his own 18 year marriage.
Dr. Schnarch isn’t surprised Jack and Tammy’s special dates, hormone creams or conventional therapy have failed to solve their problem. He says they never work because those fixes are based on a myth.
Dr. Schnarch: We have to stop thinking that sex is a biological function that happens automatically and if it doesn’t you are screwed up.
Dr. Schnarch says intimacy can be revived whether a couple has been sexless for 5 years or 50. But first, you must avoid a prime sex killer in marriage. That is, allowing what your spouse thinks of you to determine how you feel about yourself.
Schnarch: Your lives are so entwined and what literally happens is over the course of time, in most marriages, your partner becomes too important to show the hidden sexual side of yourself.
And so over time, spouses decide it’s too risky to be brutally honest about their desires or deepest feelings and chose to protect the status quo with years of compromise. Sex is lousy and soon come the fights about who wants sex and who doesn’t.
Schnarch: The assumption has always been the low desire partner is frigid or doesn’t like sex the reason they are the low desire partner is they know the sex they’re having isn’t worth wanting. It’s the high desire partner you really gotta wonder about because the sex is so lousy and they want two helpings of it.
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Alexa Taylor said:
OK Here is my thoughts in a perfect world we would each find someone who we get along with and ho would be the perfect or close to perfect partner , the fact is most people marry for the wrong reasons , looks , body etc.Sometimes you marry the first person who shows interest in you then find out they are an asshloe afterwards. We therefore have a greater than 50 % divorce rate . Some women are too controlling some men are jerks so these people should not marry but often do. Even if you find someone you get along with you somehow would like to justify having a little variety , is this normal , is acting on it normal for men , I don't know. I suppose it depends on what importance your partner place on fidelity.
