Alaina is a keeper
Dear Care and Feeding,
My oldest daughter, “Alaina,” is breaking my heart. She is engaged to a nice enough man that she’s been with for five years, but she has thrown out every tradition that is important to us: She won’t wear an engagement ring because diamonds are “ugly” and not “politically correct.” She refused both an engagement party and a bridal shower. They won’t create a registry, so my friends have no idea what to get them for wedding presents—turns out she’s not even inviting my friends to the wedding, just their own friends and family. She isn’t having a bridal party, and her sisters are hurt because they wanted to be bridesmaids. I was so looking forward to shopping with her for her bridal gown, but she bought a plain white dress. Worst of all, she won’t let her father walk her down the aisle because, in her words, she’s “not property to be given away.”
There is no reception, just champagne (no bar either!) and wedding cake in the basement (!!) of the church. No wedding dinner, not even appetizers. No wedding toasts. No first dance, because there’s no band. I understand that Alaina watched her younger sister turn into a bridezilla, but her sister did have a gorgeous wedding that we paid for. We are willing to pay for hers too, but she and her fiancé are refusing to do anything we want. They are both doctors and can pay for what they want. Alaina’s father is ready to stay home rather than be ignored, and I’m not sure I want to be there either. How do we navigate this without alienating our daughter?
—Heartsick
Dear Heartsick,
The only thing to do here is to get over yourselves. Your daughter and her fiancé are adults, they’re paying for their wedding, and they get to have the kind of celebration they want. Their special day is not about you; it’s about them and the life they want to build together.
They want to throw a smaller and far simpler affair than you’d envisioned—so what? This should be super obvious, but not everyone values the same traditions or wants a huge to-do. I understand feeling a little regretful that your daughter’s wedding won’t be just as you expected.
I don’t understand getting so worked up about it that you’d consider boycotting her day entirely. If you’re really willing to risk hurting and possibly becoming estranged from your child because she wants to get married without a bunch of arbitrary and ultimately unimportant “traditions,” your priorities are seriously, deeply messed up.
I noticed that your letter devoted exactly zero space to trying to understand what Alaina actually wants and why—but we can infer that her views differ from yours on a number of issues, at least. Nor did you say that you’re happy for her! You seem to be so wrapped up in your own disappointment that you aren’t even thinking about this as her celebration anymore. Let your daughter have her day and get married in the manner she wants. What’s important is not the size of the wedding or the number of old “traditions” checked off but her happiness. If you love her and want her to be happy, stop complaining, offer her your support, and show up at her wedding ready to celebrate her joy. But if you are unwilling to do that, do everyone a favor and stay away.
Wedding advice: My daughter has rejected all of our family’s traditions. I’m considering a drastic response.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My oldest daughter, “Alaina,” is breaking my heart. She is engaged to a nice enough man that she’s been with for five years, but she has thrown out every tradition that is important to us: She won’t wear an engagement ring because diamonds are “ugly” and not “politically correct.” She refused both an engagement party and a bridal shower. They won’t create a registry, so my friends have no idea what to get them for wedding presents—turns out she’s not even inviting my friends to the wedding, just their own friends and family. She isn’t having a bridal party, and her sisters are hurt because they wanted to be bridesmaids. I was so looking forward to shopping with her for her bridal gown, but she bought a plain white dress. Worst of all, she won’t let her father walk her down the aisle because, in her words, she’s “not property to be given away.”
There is no reception, just champagne (no bar either!) and wedding cake in the basement (!!) of the church. No wedding dinner, not even appetizers. No wedding toasts. No first dance, because there’s no band. I understand that Alaina watched her younger sister turn into a bridezilla, but her sister did have a gorgeous wedding that we paid for. We are willing to pay for hers too, but she and her fiancé are refusing to do anything we want. They are both doctors and can pay for what they want. Alaina’s father is ready to stay home rather than be ignored, and I’m not sure I want to be there either. How do we navigate this without alienating our daughter?
—Heartsick
Dear Heartsick,
The only thing to do here is to get over yourselves. Your daughter and her fiancé are adults, they’re paying for their wedding, and they get to have the kind of celebration they want. Their special day is not about you; it’s about them and the life they want to build together.
They want to throw a smaller and far simpler affair than you’d envisioned—so what? This should be super obvious, but not everyone values the same traditions or wants a huge to-do. I understand feeling a little regretful that your daughter’s wedding won’t be just as you expected.
I don’t understand getting so worked up about it that you’d consider boycotting her day entirely. If you’re really willing to risk hurting and possibly becoming estranged from your child because she wants to get married without a bunch of arbitrary and ultimately unimportant “traditions,” your priorities are seriously, deeply messed up.
I noticed that your letter devoted exactly zero space to trying to understand what Alaina actually wants and why—but we can infer that her views differ from yours on a number of issues, at least. Nor did you say that you’re happy for her! You seem to be so wrapped up in your own disappointment that you aren’t even thinking about this as her celebration anymore. Let your daughter have her day and get married in the manner she wants. What’s important is not the size of the wedding or the number of old “traditions” checked off but her happiness. If you love her and want her to be happy, stop complaining, offer her your support, and show up at her wedding ready to celebrate her joy. But if you are unwilling to do that, do everyone a favor and stay away.
Wedding advice: My daughter has rejected all of our family’s traditions. I’m considering a drastic response.
,