Very Ominous

[thumper18474]

I accidently got ketchup in my eyes last night
Woke up this morning with
Heinzsight!

 

[thumper18474]

If anyone gets a message from me about canned meat...DONT OPEN IT

It's Spam!

 

[thumper18474]

Why is it when you EXCEL
People spreadsheet about you?

 

[thumper18474]

I've taken up hiking so I made a Playlist using music from
Peanuts
Cranberries and Eminem..
I call it
My Trail Mix

 

[Alexis*]

An altar boy comes running out of a chapel and excitedly tells the priest "father! A crippled man walking on crutches just drank the holy water and threw his crutches away!"
Priest- "my son, you have just witnessed a miracle! Tell me where he went, I'd like to speak to him"
Boy- "flat on his ass beside the holy water"

 

[barnacler]

Did you know that the inventor of the sandal was..French Inventor
Phillippe.Philloppe?
Who'dda thunk it

OMG, that one got me good!

 

[thumper18474]

Last night I invented a new soup
I added a laxative to my alphabet soup...
I call it
LETTER RIP!
I hope it catches on!

 

[thumper18474]

I was thinking of opening a restaurant..fusing Chinese and Middle Eastern cuisines
I'd call it
WOK like an Egyptian...
It's a can't miss...right?

 

[thumper18474]

Did you know..Cow Farts..come from the Dairy Air?

I'll see myself out....

 

[thumper18474]

I just realized..my dog understands a lot of Human Words...and I don't understand a single dog bark!
He's smarter than me!!!!

 

[thumper18474]

So...lemme get this straight...
Keith Richard's.. out lived...Richard Simmons!!???
Well..FUCK THAT HEALTHY EATING and EXERCISING BULLSHIT THEN!!
Pass the Jack Daniel's!!

 

[thumper18474]

A weasel walks into a bar..bartender says
What'll ya have?
POP!! Goes the weasel

Yeah.. I went there

 

[thumper18474]

Eyelashes are supposed to prevent things from getting in your eyes...yet when I have something in my eye...it's an eyelash!!!
Anyone else see the eyerony in this???

 

[thumper18474]

This morning I tripped over a box of Kleenex and I thought I really hurt myself
Turns out it was just a little ..tissue damage

 

[SchlongConery]

Just got back from the doctors. He said I've got to have an earring made. What a strange thing to say.

 

[SchlongConery]

In Japan you get miso soup

In Thailand you get miso horny

 

[SchlongConery]

The school's counsellor called me and told me my son would not stop mooning all of his classmates. "I think he's just going through a phase..."

 

[FUCKMEISTER]

Shot my first turkey last night.........then got escorted out of Walmart.

 

[thumper18474]

Are Lesbians with fat fingers considered
"HUNG"?
asking for a friend

 

[thumper18474]

Who else knew that
STRAP-ON...spelled backwards is
NO-PARTS?

Be honest!