Like remember when I told you
That I knew Pauly Shore?
Pauly Shore that's a lie
I don't know what I said that for
I borrowed your Chapstick
(from you) without asking
Oh, and I tried out your nose hair trimmer
Too and, by the way
Your diamond ring is cubic zirconium
I killed your goldfish accidentally
Just replaced it with another one
Threw up on your dog last time
I had too much to drink
There've been times when I peed in your sink
I'm still trying to figure out
Why I used your toothbrush to
Clean off the bathroom grout
Oh, and sometimes, in private
Really like to dress up like Shirley Temple
And spank myself with a hockey stick
Hockey stick my boss thinks I'm a jerk
Didn't get that raise
I haven't changed my underwear in 27 days
And when I'm kissing you
I fantasize you're a midget
I'm so sorry, Debbie I mean, Bridget
Gave you buttered toast I dropped and
Picked up off the floor
FYI it was not a cold sore
You don't know how hard it is
For me to tell you this
But you remember that shirt you got
Me for my birthday? Well
I returned it for store credit that thing
Was hideous what were you thinking? Oh
By the way
I wasn't really sick last week i just didn't
Want to go to your stupid office picnic
Oh, and when I told you at breakfast we were
All out of Rice Krispies, what I meant was
There was only enough left for me sorry
Once I blew my nose
And then I wiped it on your cat (cat)
And I lied, yes
That dress makes you look fat