Time for some laughter? Please share yours...
- Thread starter Kusa
- Start date
A girl finally decides to break up with her 25-year-old boyfriend, she tells a boyfriend I don’t want to see you anymore I think you’re a pedophile! The boyfriend replies pedophile that’s a pretty big word coming from a 10-year-old.
In a bar there are three gentlemen there a carpenter a banker and a new fee the carpenter decides to get a table dance, and return he puts $50 in the G string. The banker decides to have a lap dance, and puts $100 in the G string. The new fee decides to get a dance, takes out his bank card, swipes it between the dancers ass cheeks takes $150 and goes home.
Last edited:
So the wife in an elderly couple says to her husband "Honey, why don't we go upstairs and make love?"
Her husband answers: "Sweetie, I'd love to, but I can't do both..."
Her husband answers: "Sweetie, I'd love to, but I can't do both..."
Japan invented a machine to catch thieves and it was tested in the following countries;
1. In Japan the machine caught 3 thieves in 2 sec
2. In the UK, it caught 106 thieves in 2 sec
3. Then off to the US where it caught 1279 thieves in 2 sec.
4. Finally it arrived it Nigeria, within 2 sec it was stolen
1. In Japan the machine caught 3 thieves in 2 sec
2. In the UK, it caught 106 thieves in 2 sec
3. Then off to the US where it caught 1279 thieves in 2 sec.
4. Finally it arrived it Nigeria, within 2 sec it was stolen
A young boy awakens in the middle of the night to piss, passes his parents’ room in the hallway, hears his mother screaming during sex.
Next night his father passes the boy’s room and sees his son fucking his grandmother.
Boy looks over at his father aghast in the hallway.
“See? Not so funny when it’s YOUR mother!”
Next night his father passes the boy’s room and sees his son fucking his grandmother.
Boy looks over at his father aghast in the hallway.
“See? Not so funny when it’s YOUR mother!”
Not sure if Jimmy Carr was the original author of that joke, but you should at least give credit where it is due...
Here's one in really bad taste.
A pedophile and an underage girl are walking into the woods.
It was getting dark, and the girl says to the pedophile "Mister, it's becoming dark, and I'm getting afraid."
The pedophile answers "You're afraid? I have to walk back out of these woods alone..."
A pedophile and an underage girl are walking into the woods.
It was getting dark, and the girl says to the pedophile "Mister, it's becoming dark, and I'm getting afraid."
The pedophile answers "You're afraid? I have to walk back out of these woods alone..."
In the mid 1970's, Oakland Raiders linebacker Ted Hendricks was combing his hair over a toilet, when he accidentally dropped thirty-five cents in the bowl. Ted starred at the coins for a couple of minutes, then reached in his pocket, pulled out a fifty dollar bill, crumpled it up, and threw it in the toilet bowl. His coach John Madden asked him why he did that, and Ted said "I'm not sticking my hand in there for thirty-five cents".
I could believe that, but I didn't hear the Diceman say that one. I have heard it from Jimmy Carr.
Here's another bad one:
A very old Jewish couple, who have been married for 65 years, go to see their lifelong lawyer, who is also Jewish.
Their lawyer, Abie, who is 90 but still sees long-time clients, asks them why they are coming to see him.
The husband, Sammy, who is 88, says he and his wife want to get a divorce.
Abie asks them "why now, after so many years of marriage?"
Sammy answers "We had to wait for the children to die..."
A very old Jewish couple, who have been married for 65 years, go to see their lifelong lawyer, who is also Jewish.
Their lawyer, Abie, who is 90 but still sees long-time clients, asks them why they are coming to see him.
The husband, Sammy, who is 88, says he and his wife want to get a divorce.
Abie asks them "why now, after so many years of marriage?"
Sammy answers "We had to wait for the children to die..."
I once saw a Christmas card with a picture of the stable where Jesus was being born, and the caption was "Push a little harder, Mary, we've almost got the halo out,".
Little boy is in primary school or whatever 6 year olds go to. Starts picking up bad language from his friends.
Comes down to breakfast and mum says "good morning Johnny, what would you like for breakfast?"
Kid says "gimme some fuckin cornflakes"
Mum says "what did you say?"
Kid repeats.
Mum gives him a smack in the head and tells him not to talk like that. No breakfast for Johnny. Grounded for a few hours.
Next day mum asks the same question. Kid replies "gimme some fucking cornflakes"
Crash bang wallop. "I told you before. Don't speak to me like that. Up to your room until you learn your lesson"
Third morning. Mum asks Johnny "think carefully before you speak Johnny....what would you like for breakfast?"
Kid replies. "Well, I know I'd be a cunt if I ask for fuckin cornflakes".
Comes down to breakfast and mum says "good morning Johnny, what would you like for breakfast?"
Kid says "gimme some fuckin cornflakes"
Mum says "what did you say?"
Kid repeats.
Mum gives him a smack in the head and tells him not to talk like that. No breakfast for Johnny. Grounded for a few hours.
Next day mum asks the same question. Kid replies "gimme some fucking cornflakes"
Crash bang wallop. "I told you before. Don't speak to me like that. Up to your room until you learn your lesson"
Third morning. Mum asks Johnny "think carefully before you speak Johnny....what would you like for breakfast?"
Kid replies. "Well, I know I'd be a cunt if I ask for fuckin cornflakes".
A small boy asked his grandfather, "Gramps, where do our names come from?"
His grandfather answered, "it is a tradition in our family that a child is named after the first thing his or her mother sees when she looks outside after the birth. For example When your sister Stormy was born your mother saw a powerful thunderstorm. Your uncle Hunter's mother saw a group of deer hunters heading across the field. Your cousin Autumn's mother saw the forest in it's beautiful fall colours. Why do you ask about this, Two Dogs Fucking?"
His grandfather answered, "it is a tradition in our family that a child is named after the first thing his or her mother sees when she looks outside after the birth. For example When your sister Stormy was born your mother saw a powerful thunderstorm. Your uncle Hunter's mother saw a group of deer hunters heading across the field. Your cousin Autumn's mother saw the forest in it's beautiful fall colours. Why do you ask about this, Two Dogs Fucking?"
I saw this story in the comments section of a Youtube video.
The guy worked in the maintenance dept. of an apartment complex. He received a work order to fix a hole in a wall. He knew the apartment was rented by 2 gorgeous models. He wondered what the situation was because it was only a one bedroom unit. No one was home so he let himself in. The hole was in the bedroom, caused by the door knob hitting the wall. When he closed the door he saw that the back of the door was covered with pictures of the 2 girls going at it on the bed. He fixed the hole and left a note saying he would return the next day to touch up the paint. When he returned he saw the pictures had been replaced with a new set of pictures of the girls getting it on. He said when a work order came in for that apartment the guys in the maintenance dept. fought over which one would do it.
The guy worked in the maintenance dept. of an apartment complex. He received a work order to fix a hole in a wall. He knew the apartment was rented by 2 gorgeous models. He wondered what the situation was because it was only a one bedroom unit. No one was home so he let himself in. The hole was in the bedroom, caused by the door knob hitting the wall. When he closed the door he saw that the back of the door was covered with pictures of the 2 girls going at it on the bed. He fixed the hole and left a note saying he would return the next day to touch up the paint. When he returned he saw the pictures had been replaced with a new set of pictures of the girls getting it on. He said when a work order came in for that apartment the guys in the maintenance dept. fought over which one would do it.
The version I heard was that the children's names were based on a significant event associated with their conception, and the child's name was "Broken Rubber".
