Can an SP ask for fidelity from a BF?

[GPIDEAL]

Scooter, ignore those who can't follow an analogy properly. The analogy is spot on. It establishes that we frown upon double-standards. Ironically, those guys buying the SP line of "it's just a job" are probably the first to complain about mechanical service or the low end of the mileage stick! Think it through dudes. Double standards only work in the case of lying and exploitation.

Why would anyone, except a criminal, want to do what a hit man does, which is illegal in the 1st place? Where's the double standard? Comparing a prostitute to a hit man is utter nonsense.

Also, where do you base your comment about your statement "Ironically, those guys buying the SP line of "it's just a job" are probably the first to complain about mechanical service or the low end of the mileage stick!"?

Fair point, Femme. But I would still counter that when the 2 involved make their own rules, they typically do it with one eye on the broader social practices within which they live. And if they don't, it is likely they will come undone because of it. So, for instance, should some guy be silly enough to agree to fidelity with an SP, either he tells his buddies of this arrangement and they universally say he is an idiot, or he does not tell anyone of the arrangement, and the pressure builds and builds as he continuously gets confronted by fairer arrangements in other relatonships and he wonders why the fuck he is being such a weak-willed person.

Again I will say what is obvious. What are the most likely candidate explanations for a guy accepting demands on himself to be faithful while the SP fucks away at work?
- he thinks if he waits she will quit, meaning he hasn't accepted it because he likes it, he is just waiting for things to change
- he is lying to her, and either seeing others or leaving himself open to it
- he has no emotional or psychological spine; probably in the 'damaged' family and thinks this wacky arrangement will repair some of it somehow

Hell, the real question is why any SP, who are often attractive, intelligent and world-wise women, would ever want to get herself into a "you faithful, me not at work" situation, knowing the odds are her man will be one of the 3 above!!!

I've been with couples either as a 3some or GB, and their husbands still love their spouses (they weren't cuckolds - they fucked as well, and were part of the 3sum or group). Did you ever think that an SP's husband or BF might be as open-minded, and perhaps be more tolerant since it's only done when money is exchanged? They are perhaps more secure or confidant than you opine.

 

[kynorth]

K so i entered into an "affair" with an SP after seeing each other for a few months. The exact same thing came up. I ended up asking why she would need to stay in the biz with me in her life. She said the money of course. So I called her on it and said i would give her $X per week until she found a different profession. Took about 8 weeks for the truth to come out. She got a full time job, my funding ended, and our relationship............. wait for it .....only got stronger.

I,m curious if the OP would be willing to give up the biz if she were financially secure. Truth?? In my case i know my example's 2nd toughest reason for wanting to stay was how her ego flexed with all the nice comments. I did my best to replace them.

 

[kynorth]

Why would anyone, except a criminal, want to do what a hit man does, which is illegal in the 1st place? Where's the double standard? Comparing a prostitute to a hit man is utter nonsense.

Also, where do you base your comment about your statement "Ironically, those guys buying the SP line of "it's just a job" are probably the first to complain about mechanical service or the low end of the mileage stick!"?



I've been with couples either as a 3some or GB, and their husbands still love their spouses (they weren't cuckolds - they fucked as well, and were part of the 3sum or group). Did you ever think that an SP's husband or BF might be as open-minded, and perhaps be more tolerant since it's only done when money is exchanged? They are perhaps more secure or confidant than you opine.

security and confidence have nothing to do with it in my case. morality does. bring on the "do you know where you are" rants

 

[GPIDEAL]

security and confidence have nothing to do with it in my case. morality does. bring on the "do you know where you are" rants

I have no problem with both your responses.

The OP did say that she would give it up if she was looked after. Don't know if that means she would work at another job if her BF helped her find one but I imagine that would be her case too.

 

[Scooter Brown]

Scooter, ignore those who can't follow an analogy properly. The analogy is spot on. It establishes that we frown upon double-standards. Ironically, those guys buying the SP line of "it's just a job" are probably the first to complain about mechanical service or the low end of the mileage stick! Think it through dudes. Double standards only work in the case of lying and exploitation.

Eh well, I don't really care if they do or don't follow. The basic idea with the analogy is that there is a tipping point, obviously different for everybody. For some, prostitution is fine, murder is not. For some, neither is fine. For some, both are fine etc. GPIDEAL doesn't see things from the same perspective as I do and that's fine with me. I like when people challenge my ideas and opinions for it's an excellent reality check.

Back to the main topic - I don't care if some guys are okay with BF being faithful. If they are happy with it, it's perfectly fine with me. For me personally, it is double standard and there is no way it would ever work with me. It goes the other way around too. I know a guy who's cheating his SO left and right, but he would strangle her if she does the same! I told him that he was a fucking idiot and told her to ditch a moron, which she eventually did after a couple of years of nightmare. Nice girl, what did she found in that idiot is beyond me even today. If I'm fooling around with other women, I cannot demand from my SO to be faithful. That's what I mean by applying the same standard. It's not about whether we like it or not, it's about being fair. You can't demand from others things you don't offer in return.

I heard from a friend who responded to a siren's call and got "involved" with a working girl. She told him how he had had "too many women"! When he mentioned that comparison was not fair, taking into account hundreds of customers she had seen, she just said that it was not the same since it was her job! That's absurd in my view. His view too. He just walked away and never turned back. Had she only knew... but that's her problem now.

 

[Brandon123]

Great topic. When you deeply care for someone, you don't want to have sex with anyone else but that person, at least from my perspective. A guy can be faithful if he is truly in love with his woman however when both don't work on the relationship then that's when things can go sour and one starts to cheat. Regarding a bf being faithful to his gf who is a sp, well if he truly loves her and accepts her for who she is, then the answer is Yes! However, if she truly loves him then she would quit the business and get a regular job like everyone else. One Sp once told me that it's impossible to have a relationship with a Sp and i have to totally agree with her. 99% of the time it won't workout in the long run.

 

[GPIDEAL]

Eh well, I don't really care if they do or don't follow. The basic idea with the analogy is that there is a tipping point, obviously different for everybody. For some, prostitution is fine, murder is not. For some, neither is fine. For some, both are fine etc. GPIDEAL doesn't see things from the same perspective as I do and that's fine with me. I like when people challenge my ideas and opinions for it's an excellent reality check.

Back to the main topic - I don't care if some guys are okay with BF being faithful. If they are happy with it, it's perfectly fine with me. For me personally, it is double standard and there is no way it would ever work with me. It goes the other way around too. I know a guy who's cheating his SO left and right, but he would strangle her if she does the same! I told him that he was a fucking idiot and told her to ditch a moron, which she eventually did after a couple of years of nightmare. Nice girl, what did she found in that idiot is beyond me even today. If I'm fooling around with other women, I cannot demand from my SO to be faithful. That's what I mean by applying the same standard. It's not about whether we like it or not, it's about being fair. You can't demand from others things you don't offer in return.

I heard from a friend who responded to a siren's call and got "involved" with a working girl. She told him how he had had "too many women"! When he mentioned that comparison was not fair, taking into account hundreds of customers she had seen, she just said that it was not the same since it was her job! That's absurd in my view. His view too. He just walked away and never turned back. Had she only knew... but that's her problem now.

Scooter, I can appreciate that you're not comfortable with that situation. I can understand clearly why you think of it as a double standard. I'm not saying that your POV is wrong. You can't be forced or convinced to do something which you personally feel is repugnant to your sense of dignity. However, if you consider that perhaps a large majority of SPs' clients may be gentlemen that she wouldn't normally find attractive or date in the 1st place, such encounters are indeed like working at a hard job, such that she's not really enjoying herself and longs to be home with her own man.

 

[Kenny-sauga]

Stick to BJ only service...no infidelity there!! Sorry ladyT, had to get it off my chest

 

[GPIDEAL]

Stick to BJ only service...no infidelity there!! Sorry ladyT, had to get it off my chest

That POV is fine too. Both male and female need to find the right counterpart for a partner as to traits and relationship expectations.

 

[Ms.FemmeFatale]

Fair point, Femme. But I would still counter that when the 2 involved make their own rules, they typically do it with one eye on the broader social practices within which they live. And if they don't, it is likely they will come undone because of it. So, for instance, should some guy be silly enough to agree to fidelity with an SP, either he tells his buddies of this arrangement and they universally say he is an idiot, or he does not tell anyone of the arrangement, and the pressure builds and builds as he continuously gets confronted by fairer arrangements in other relatonships and he wonders why the fuck he is being such a weak-willed person.

Again I will say what is obvious. What are the most likely candidate explanations for a guy accepting demands on himself to be faithful while the SP fucks away at work?
- he thinks if he waits she will quit, meaning he hasn't accepted it because he likes it, he is just waiting for things to change
- he is lying to her, and either seeing others or leaving himself open to it
- he has no emotional or psychological spine; probably in the 'damaged' family and thinks this wacky arrangement will repair some of it somehow

Hell, the real question is why any SP, who are often attractive, intelligent and world-wise women, would ever want to get herself into a "you faithful, me not at work" situation, knowing the odds are her man will be one of the 3 above!!!

Since I have admitted to being in a relationship for close to 4 years now where the bulk of it, he was out having fun with other women on about a bi weekly basis, I can assure you that I am none of those things listed. I never thought he would quit seeing other women. I never lied to him, and I am certainly in the "can be a right bitch" category when I want to be. I am no where near weak-willed at all.

Don't get me wrong. As I have said, there were times I did not like it. I felt threatened I would lose him to one of these women, etc. Other times I didn't care because I felt they could not compare to me anyway. What got us through was communication. He always validated my feelings regardless of which side of the fence I was sitting on that day. I never came at him in an attacking verbal way so it may it easier for us to talk about it.

The only difference I see is that in your example, she is a SP and it may have been easier for me to accept if it was just job. Lords knows his ego made it seem that way sometimes. His duty to please women and all. LOL

As far as the "2 involved make their own rules, they typically do it with one eye on the broader social practices within which they live. And if they don't, it is likely they will come undone because of it." - we may just have to agree to disagree. We didn't follow the social norms of anything. Not from who pays for the first date to when you spend the night together for the first to meeting the friends/family/parents to who cooks and who cleans to anything. We are the oddest couple and it is the best relationship I have had to date because we threw the social norms out the window.

Both of our friends and family think it is crazy. Think we are idiots etc. but it works for us because we made the rules that work for us and we did it right from the beginning.

I,m curious if the OP would be willing to give up the biz if she were financially secure.

She already said that if took her care of financially, she would quit. Now I don't know if that means that after a couple of months, she would go get a civie job and take back her own financial responsibilities after a reasonable amount of time, I can not say. I didn't read anywhere from this thread or from other posts of the OP's that she would however. I would like to be able to say I feel differently but based on past posting history, I think the lure of easy cash and lots of it as been a personal inner hurdle for her. Just my opinion though.

 

[LadyTY2Uall]

Absolutely, Lady, you have every right to ask for emotional fidelity from your SO. You've stated that you are ok with him having casual sex as long as he is open about it. I think that's cool.

The betrayal is not in the sex - it's in the emotional attachment. The fact that you offer sex as a job should not in any way be misconstrued by your SO as a license to get emotionally involved with another woman.

That is what I am thinking and feeling but having difficulty putting into words. It is not the act it is the emotions.

 

[LadyTY2Uall]

However you raise a good point here too. While "casual sex" need not involve emotional attachment, it offers the "opportunity" for attachment to happen. That is one reason we all get so jealous about it, and even jealous about casual flirting, when there is minimal chance of going any further.

The other reason of jealousy of casual or "paid sex" is that one person feels that they are not getting what they " deserve" for lack of a better term, from the orther partner. E.g. Sp has sex with a few guys for work, then comes home too tired to be up for it for her horny bf. He will likely resent the fact that other guys got what he is wanting at that moment - and won't get.

Good point, I have a friend in this very situation and yes, he resents the fact that other guys are getting it from his GF but he doesn't whenever he wants it.

 

[TeasePlease]

That is what I am thinking and feeling but having difficulty putting into words. It is not the act it is the emotions.

Separating sex and love is easy for men. Just ask a Terbie.

The is that emotions are easily stirred in intimate settings...like nakedness. It's playing with fire. For both sides.

 

[LadyTY2Uall]

No. At least in my opinion, and you may not like the rest of my opinion on the matter either.

You want a committed relationship, great! Support yourself, he can support himself and you can both equally bring something to the table.

What you have written reads to me like you are waiting for a guy who is going to open his wallet big enough for you and then you will be faithful to him, or he can have other men open their wallets to you but then he has to share. Even if it is "just a job". Screams gold digger, lazy, entitled, and delusional to me if I am being completely honest.

Sorry but that is how I read it and as a woman, I can say that I was a little put off by that. If I was an SP, I would be single by choice. As soon as I found a BF, I would quit {without him asking and knowing my SP history as honesty is huge to me} and get that "other means of income" through another job.

But again, that is me. Now I could have misread what you were meaning so here is hoping I did read it wrong.

You may not have misread but you did misunderstand. I am by no means a gold digger, lazy, entitled or delusional. I support myself, my Daughter and my 4 Grandchildren by working as an SP. Before you ask, she is unable to work at the moment. The reality for me is that I am a middle aged intelligent woman who has no real marketable skills and no 'real job' experience, I have a physical condition that makes me 'unemployable'. I do not have the option of getting another job. This is my ONLY means of income and if I gave it up it would put 6 more people welfare. I very much would love to fall in love, be in a normal faithful relationship with someone. However, as I mentioned, if I were to ever meet a man who wanted an exclusive relationship with me and wanted me to stop working as an SP, and yes I realize that is highly unlikely lol, he would have to be in a position to support me (and by default my family, for now) That does not mean I am looking for some rich sucker to take care of us, I am perfectly content doing that for as long as I am able and it is needed.
I am probably not explaining myself very well and I don't blame you or anyone for thinking that I am looking for a man with an open wallet, however that is not the case. I also just realized that the person I described will most likely be living in her Kids basement apartment muttering to the dozen cats she has lmao
Gawd,,,,,,somedays reality just kind of slaps you in the face.

 

[Ms.FemmeFatale]

But why would you be? I only suggested waiting, lying or damaged as (most likely) characteristic of guys who accepted a double-standard, thus leading to curiosity about why most SP's would be interested in a waiter, a liar, or someone really damaged. They can do better. Your situation sounds more like an open relationship? Hence no double-standard.



I'm not sure we're disagreeing. If you're assuming we are in disagreement because I don't go for open relationships, etc, then we are not in disagreement because I have no problem with open relationships. They are not for me, but that doesn't mean I don't see they can work for others. Also, you say you didn't follow social norms. There I disagree. You made clear that the reason things work for you is because you both communicated about the rules and kept lines of communication open in general. We often say relationships fail because lines of communication fail, which in effect means we have lots of social norms recommending we keep lines of communication open. In reality, sure you didn't do the norm, of aim for monogamy for instance, but you seem to have followed the only rule that probably really matters, which is build up open, honest, fair lines of communication.

See I think that is where we disagree. Yes - society says that communication is key, but then it says "you should have sex after marriage" or "you should have sex by the 3 rd date". It is forked tongue speaking as far as I am concerned. I think the social norms far out weight supporting open communication in a relationship if that is making any sense.

Basically if you have a crowd of 100 people, with 5 people shouting "open communication", 45 people shouting "sex after marriage", 45 people shouting "sex by date 3" and the last 5 people shouting "no relationship period" Which message do you hear when they are shouting it all at the same time? The ones that are shouted more and the loudest are the ones that are often followed. Which is why most may often say relationships fail because lines of communication fail, they don't say loud enough, strong enough or practice enough open communication. I think if society did follow that as an actual "social norm", there would be less divorce/break-ups. No?

I guess I feel that open communication while preached alot is actually an anti-social norm when you really think about it since many do not follow it. Probably splitting hairs here, but hey, it works for a great debate.

 

[Ms.FemmeFatale]

I have a physical condition that makes me 'unemployable'.

Sorry but you lost me here. From my understanding and my own experience, sex is a hugely physical job. I remember that I was quite sexually frustrated after a car accident that left me physically unemployable for a time period.

I am not going pry at all. It is your life and you have the right to privacy. I don`t want to make things even more difficult for you. So my apologize. I just read it how I read it.

 

[Jennifer_]

.... in the end - the answer to the question is simple: Yes - we can ask for fidelity. I have asked for it and I have gotten it without ever having to fight for it. The decision is between the two parties involved in the relationship. The guy I was with believed in monogamy and he did not view my job as anything more than a job. I assure you he was not seriously damaged or pimping me out - (I am pretty-picky lol) That was his view which he is entitled to (granted, before we dated, he drove for an escort agency for a few months and he had friends who worked in massage parlours so perhaps he had a different perspective than most men would have) - just as I am entitled to wanting that from whomever I date while I work in the industry. When I no longer work in the industry, I am pretty-sure that I will be a one guy kinda girl... time will tell I suppose....

I won`t tell anyone else what they should want from their relationships - I don`t think anyone else should feel I am wrong because they disagree with what I want..... There`s no right or wrong.

 

[GPIDEAL]

In a sense you make a fair point, positing a situation where a guy is accepting of his GF/wife having sex with others because it is in a context of incoming earning. You call this "confidence" but I doubt you mean to imply that a guy who says "fuck that, I want different things from a relationship" is NOT confident or as confident, right?

But in a broader sense your point actually changes the topic. Your hypothetical case leaves out the crucial condition that was at issue, of the SP demanding the guy be faithful while she fucks away at work. So just ask people for examples. Ask Charley, for instance, who made clear above she has a SO but she never implied she demands he refrain from seeing others. And Femme also spoke of a multi-partner scenario for each person. What I am saying is that the most likely reasons for a guy accepting a double standard is because he is lying or because he is seriously damaged, with an intermediary case being he puts his head in the sand thinking it will end next week and he can forget about it (hardly acceptance, and closer to holding your nose when the person on the subway farts).

Positing a guy who doesn't mind his GF making cash doesn't touch the real issue, until you posit that guy also being asked to not see others.

I think the fact that she does it for money IS relevant. It's the only reason she is 'intimate' with other men. An S.O. (who could also be her 'pimp') of an SP may be head strong about it - we can't claim that he's damaged or lying, although it is possible too.

Most guys probably wouldn't accept such a scenario because they consider it an intolerable double standard (there are all kinds of double standards in life that are tolerated).

 

[Jennifer_]

Most guys probably wouldn't accept such a scenario because they consider it an intolerable double standard (there are all kinds of double standards in life that are tolerated).

... most guys will not - I am well aware of that and I totally understand why - I am not even sure that I could handle it if I dated a male escort.... but we can still ask for whatever we want even if the chances of getting it may be slim. The choices we make to work in the industry come with certain consequences - one being difficulty in finding a man who can tolerate our profession.

 

[TeasePlease]

I would suspect that very few would honestly say that, all else being equal, having their SO be a sexworker is preferable to the alternative. Likewise for the SP in a relationship.

Much is tolerated in life. No relationship is perfect and we do a lot of funny things for love (and money).

I couldn't do it. I would take three jobs and sell a kidney before I would "let" the woman I love sell her body, especially to put food on our table. But that's just me.