Can an SP ask for fidelity from a BF?

[Jennifer_]

Over generalization. Men don't always feel this way. We are better at compartmentalizing these things, but we do often "feel something" too, even in a paid encounter, or one nighter. If there is something really attractive and q certain "click" it is hard not to feel a twinge of attachment.

.... point taken and yes - over generalization.

If there was an absolute separation of emotion and the physical, women with nice personalities wouldn't be considered desirable. And I often do care about the people I meet in the industry.... though it has never felt the way things feel in *real life*

The topic makes my head spin at times.... but I find for the most part, doing what I do has helped me understand what's going on in a man's mind a bit better. That said, no matter what I understand... as a woman, I want to be with someone who's faithful to me (or someone who's good at hiding things if he's not)

 

[fuji]

Yes, you can ask for whatever you want. Whether you get what you ask for, or not, is between you and your prospective partners. Any other answer is pants on head retarded.

People can do what they like. Relationships aren't fair. Life isn't fair. Attempts to impose some sort of politically correct "equity rules" on sex relationships will fail horribly.

At the end of the day you bring a certain number of plusses and minuses to the table, in the eyes of your partner. An "unfair rule" will be a minus that you bring to the table, but in the eyes of your partner may well be compensated by plusses elsewhere.

It boils down to this: If he says, "that's so unfair" and you say "well if you don't like it, you can leave", will he stay or will he go? It depends on a whole lot of factors none of which have to do with fairness.

 

[Jennifer_]

Yes, you can ask for whatever you want. Whether you get what you ask for, or not, is between you and your prospective partners. Any other answer is pants on head retarded.
.

..... best answer.

 

[massman]

Agree, also agree that relationships need not be "fair" always. Life does not always end in a "tie" like some 4 year olds soccer game. But at the end of the day, one partner should not feel like they are "getting ripped off" either or taken advantage of. If they do, that is what poisons a relationship. Hopefully you can find someone who thinks as Fuji said, that your plusses outweigh your minuses (including having sex with guys for $) it will be rare as jenn said, but pretty sure they are out there.

 

[massman]

Absolutely, Lady, you have every right to ask for emotional fidelity from your SO. You've stated that you are ok with him having casual sex as long as he is open about it. I think that's cool.

The betrayal is not in the sex - it's in the emotional attachment. The fact that you offer sex as a job should not in any way be misconstrued by your SO as a license to get emotionally involved with another woman.

However you raise a good point here too. While "casual sex" need not involve emotional attachment, it offers the "opportunity" for attachment to happen. That is one reason we all get so jealous about it, and even jealous about casual flirting, when there is minimal chance of going any further.

The other reason of jealousy of casual or "paid sex" is that one person feels that they are not getting what they " deserve" for lack of a better term, from the orther partner. E.g. Sp has sex with a few guys for work, then comes home too tired to be up for it for her horny bf. He will likely resent the fact that other guys got what he is wanting at that moment - and won't get.

 

[??WheresBettiePage??]

This is a very interesting discussion, but might I point out that if he promises monogamy, she ought to be able to expect it? We are all a little jaded, it seems. I happen to know many SPs who are in relationships and do expect monogamy because they see a difference between work sex and other sex. We forget that many sp-client relationships are not based on intimacy, or even enjoyment, so far as the SP is concerned. It IS a job. The main point here is not whether or not YOU think it's fair, it's what the couple has established as their foundation for trust and expectation. If they've agreed that "work is work" and neither will have sex outside those parameters, then both ought to be able to expect that.
One last note, I dated an SP about 5 years back, and she was horny as hell when she came home because she explained that work was like extended foreplay, and she needed to finish when she came home to me. She's now happily married and doesn't work anymore, but... just some interesting info.
I think we all forget that there isn't one "right" OR "wrong" in relationships. Some relationships work open, some monogamous, some with one acting as master and one as a dog... Anyone can expect and agree upon whatever they want... So long as everyone's honest and reliable and open, anything is possible. This question should read "Could an SP expect monogamy from YOU as her BF?"

 

[Bubbles99]

Sure she can ask. Doesn't mean it's gonna happen!

 

[papasmerf]

sorta kinda

but if he is a sp too you will get what you want

 

[GPIDEAL]

However you raise a good point here too. While "casual sex" need not involve emotional attachment, it offers the "opportunity" for attachment to happen. That is one reason we all get so jealous about it, and even jealous about casual flirting, when there is minimal chance of going any further.

The other reason of jealousy of casual or "paid sex" is that one person feels that they are not getting what they " deserve" for lack of a better term, from the orther partner. E.g. Sp has sex with a few guys for work, then comes home too tired to be up for it for her horny bf. He will likely resent the fact that other guys got what he is wanting at that moment - and won't get.

It's not just the opportunity for emotional attachment that might cause jealosy or resentment, it's also the possibility that she is enjoying having sex with another guy, perhaps even more so, and this is a blow to a guy's ego.

 

[rhuarc29]

I'm not sure there will ever come a point in time where an SP can carry on a long-term relationship with someone who knows what she does. You want him to remain completely faithful to you...that's fine. But he knows day in and day out that you are having intimate, sexual relations with other men. I know that you are saying right now that these relations in no way compare to what you would feel (or already do feel) with your boyfriend, but these encounters also setup a situation where you may find something that does compare. What would you do then? Be open about it with him? Conceal it from him and continue meeting this new fling, even if just in the "business" environment? Stop seeing the client? As an SP, dating is a unique environment, one where the person you are dating will be extremely sensitive to your situation. I know that the traditional adage would say that men are good at compartmentalizing sex and love, but he'd have to be completely comfortable in the belief that you could do so as well.

I don't think that asking him to be faithful is asking too much. It is your job. If he was to actively seek other women, I'm not sure how he could justify that by comparing it to what you do. What I do think is asking too much is for him to accept what you're doing in the long-term. Having dated a stripper for close to a year, I know from a man's perspective the unique challenges that presents in a relationship. Then again, I was in my very early twenties at the time and may have suffered from a lack of maturity.

EDIT: I had only read the original post before I wrote this, but now realize most of what I said has been covered already lol

 

[GPIDEAL]

This question should read "Could an SP expect monogamy from YOU as her BF?"

I know of SPs who expect their BF's or SO's to be faithful, so it's okay for Lady Ty to ask for the same thing.

Jennifer said that she would expect fidelity or someone who can 'protect' her by hiding infidelity. She has said before that 'ignorance is bliss', and I can understand that. Heck, I know of industry gals who don't reveal all in their work to their BFs or SO's to 'protect' them from the truth, but to me, it's not really to protect the other person, but to protect the status quo. At the end of the day, it's a relationship based on a lie or secret. Yet, many feel they have no choice but to lie or hide the truth because they've lost lovers when they were honest. [EDIT: Coincidentally, some guy showed me pics of his friend's very fun 'girlfriend'. She's DDG but looks industry to me. He said she finally confided in him that she works as a dancer but doesn't like to say so because her last BF left her. This is sad to me because she may be looking for love, and her job makes it difficult to have one. Industry gals need their loving too.]

If an open relationship can't work, it might help for a guy to have a swinging mentality, and get turned on by her job. Not only will he have 'real' sex, but the non-sexual intimacy that goes with a true relationship.

 

[GPIDEAL]

I'm not sure there will ever come a point in time where an SP can carry on a long-term relationship with someone who knows what she does. You want him to remain completely faithful to you...that's fine. But he knows day in and day out that you are having intimate, sexual relations with other men. I know that you are saying right now that these relations in no way compare to what you would feel (or already do feel) with your boyfriend, but these encounters also setup a situation where you may find something that does compare. What would you do then? Be open about it with him? Conceal it from him and continue meeting this new fling, even if just in the "business" environment? Stop seeing the client? As an SP, dating is a unique environment, one where the person you are dating will be extremely sensitive to your situation. I know that the traditional adage would say that men are good at compartmentalizing sex and love, but he'd have to be completely comfortable in the belief that you could do so as well.

I don't think that asking him to be faithful is asking too much. It is your job. If he was to actively seek other women, I'm not sure how he could justify that by comparing it to what you do. What I do think is asking too much is for him to accept what you're doing in the long-term. Having dated a stripper for close to a year, I know from a man's perspective the unique challenges that presents in a relationship. Then again, I was in my very early twenties at the time and may have suffered from a lack of maturity.

EDIT: I had only read the original post before I wrote this, but now realize most of what I said has been covered already lol

I know of one gal who looks forward to her clients, and some that she finds more exciting than her SO. Yet, she expects her SO to be true. I tell her that she has the best of both worlds. Her job is her escape from reality too. Some may say that this is a double standard, but she wouldn't see other men if she wasn't being paid for it.

 

[rhuarc29]

I know of one gal who looks forward to her clients, and some that she finds more exciting than her SO. Yet, she expects her SO to be true. I tell her that she has the best of both worlds. Her job is her escape from reality too. Some may say that this is a double standard, but she wouldn't see other men if she wasn't being paid for it.

Her job is both a means to make money AND an escape. I know she says she wouldn't see other men if she wasn't being paid for it, but she's garnering other value from these hookups than just money, and I'm not sure how she can say with certainty the sole driving factor is the $$$.

If she meets someone on the job who is more exciting, charming, intelligent...you fill in the adjective...than her SO, would she not atleast consider a relationship with that person? An SP trades in intimacy, and everyone is atleast somewhat a product of their work. I doubt anyone could completely draw a line between work and personal feelings outside work when it comes to escorting.

 

[d_jedi]

I don't think there's an easy answer to this question.
If the guy knew what you did for a living before you first went out, it certainly would be reasonable (I think it'd be very *unreasonable* for the guy to expect you to give up your livelihood just to date him!). But that comes with a caveat, though. If the relationship ever progresses to the point where marriage is a serious possibility, I think monogamy becomes a very reasonable expectation.

 

[TeasePlease]

Very good discussion people.

Just because something is your job doesn't make it morally or ethically "ok". It's just how you choose to make a living. Taken to an extreme, murder is not "ok" because you happen to be a trained sniper.

If monogamy is something you want and expect, the minute you find yourself rationalizing is the moment you need to take a step back.

 

[TeasePlease]

Whether the SP can make a distinction or separation in her own mind is irrelevant (not in doubt in any case in my mind). At issue is the apparent hypocrisy, which is not an issue if the partner is ok with it. That's a personal decision. Each person has to be honest with the other and themselves.

Most hobbyists are hypocrties also, so fair is fair.

 

[ready2rock]

It will be a lengthy process to find the right person, but I think you can ask for it & you can expect it. There are extraordinary individuals out there who would cherish being in a relationship with you. Lest we forget, This will be a two way street. You'll need to be honest with him - maybe more honest than you've ever been with anyone else - or you'll risk losing the person & the emotional intimacy you're looking for.

I know of what I speak. I have been in the role you're seeking. Dating and making life-long plans with a beautiful woman who was/is an established escort in the gta. Those here who know me - know the story. For me, it did not end well. In the final analysis, her own trust issues proved our undoing.

Be honest. Totally honest. And it can work.

R2R

 

[lurkerdick]

Plain and simply yes she can ask BUT being a man myself, we like to fuck and not just one vagina....just look at how many "attached" males in here love a variety of vaginas. So yes, she can ask and he can promise BUT don't take it for granted that promise will stay intact :thumb:

 

[NoFatties]

My head is spinning with this thread. I could have sworn we had this topic with all the same responses about two months ago !

 

[GPIDEAL]

Her job is both a means to make money AND an escape. I know she says she wouldn't see other men if she wasn't being paid for it, but she's garnering other value from these hookups than just money, and I'm not sure how she can say with certainty the sole driving factor is the $$$.

If she meets someone on the job who is more exciting, charming, intelligent...you fill in the adjective...than her SO, would she not atleast consider a relationship with that person? An SP trades in intimacy, and everyone is atleast somewhat a product of their work. I doubt anyone could completely draw a line between work and personal feelings outside work when it comes to escorting.

I agree with you too, but until she doesn't want someone's money, I guess she's not truly or full-out cheating, although the line may have been crossed - it's a blurry line nevertheless. Guess it's an occupational hazard. Then again, IF she has a spouse who is understanding, shares in the fruits of her labour (just as she may with his), then he may feel some consolation that she has a good clientele.

This may be a topic for another thread, but I believe you can love more than one person, perhaps though in varying degrees.