Can an SP ask for fidelity from a BF?

[GPIDEAL]

I think it is up to the people in the relationship and what they make of it. I am not against women working in this industry and having BF`s. I am not against men enjoying this hobby while having an SO either.

I have been in a relationship for a few years where he got to go play with other women, and I remained faithful. That was my choice and he was honest and as open as I wanted him to be about those other women. Sometimes, like Jen, I didn't want to know. I liked being ignorant about it. Other times I wanted to know and he would tell me. That is what we decided would work for us. I think every relationship is different. No relationship needs to follow the rules "society" says a relationship should be like.

As others have said, you can ask. Doesn't mean it will happen. However, I know I am a perfect example of being able to be faithful, while having a partner continue to exchange in sex with others. It worked fine for us and can work for others.

Hope that made sense and answered your question.

You couldn't have answered it more perfectly.

In theory, I'd want her to be open about it, and maybe at times, with details (if I was in the mood or turned on by it, or if she had a bad day, and wanted to talk about it). However, theory and practice are two different things, and I can appreciate that sometimes, you'd rather not know. Even in an open or honest relationship, boasting or razzing your partner with details, being blatant about it, or flirting with others in your company, is disrespectful and can hurt the other's feelings.

 

[VictoriaStyles]

I think it is up to the people in the relationship and what they make of it. I am not against women working in this industry and having BF`s. I am not against men enjoying this hobby while having an SO either.

I have been in a relationship for a few years where he got to go play with other women, and I remained faithful. That was my choice and he was honest and as open as I wanted him to be about those other women. Sometimes, like Jen, I didn't want to know. I liked being ignorant about it. Other times I wanted to know and he would tell me. That is what we decided would work for us. I think every relationship is different. No relationship needs to follow the rules "society" says a relationship should be like.

As others have said, you can ask. Doesn't mean it will happen. However, I know I am a perfect example of being able to be faithful, while having a partner continue to exchange in sex with others. It worked fine for us and can work for others.

Hope that made sense and answered your question.

Very well said, wholeheartedly agree.

The best pearl of wisdom ever bestowed on me was "it's all about properly setting expectations".

Fidelity is even a relative term. It varies for each couple, but if a man enters into a relationship with an SP and agrees not to get physical with anyone else, then he should stick to that or revisit the conversation.

I don't necessarily agree with the reasoning behind a man thinking he can sleep with whomever because his gf's job entails that. Two very different circumstances.

I do, however, think that this should be discussed before a relationship starts.

 

[GPIDEAL]

Very well said, wholeheartedly agree.

The best pearl of wisdom ever bestowed on me was "it's all about properly setting expectations".

Fidelity is even a relative term. It varies for each couple, but if a man enters into a relationship with an SP and agrees not to get physical with anyone else, then he should stick to that or revisit the conversation.

I don't necessarily agree with the reasoning behind a man thinking he can sleep with whomever because his gf's job entails that. Two very different circumstances.

I do, however, think that this should be discussed before a relationship starts.

Excellent.

It goes back to that one concept: communication.

 

[Ms.FemmeFatale]

Very well said, wholeheartedly agree.

The best pearl of wisdom ever bestowed on me was "it's all about properly setting expectations".

Fidelity is even a relative term. It varies for each couple, but if a man enters into a relationship with an SP and agrees not to get physical with anyone else, then he should stick to that or revisit the conversation.

I don't necessarily agree with the reasoning behind a man thinking he can sleep with whomever because his gf's job entails that. Two very different circumstances.

I do, however, think that this should be discussed before a relationship starts.

Excellent.

It goes back to that one concept: communication.

That was the key to our success. That and allowing me to change my mind...... repeatedly. I am woman after all. We do that. ALOT! LOL.

As I said, sometimes I wanted to know and sometimes I didn't. When I didn't, he did everything he could to remain discrete. When I did want to know, he was still discrete but he was honest with me while still trying to not hurt my feelings, so it was not like boasting about all the sorted details.

There were some hard times, and some fights and even hurt feelings regardless at times, but it was the communication factor that let us get through it.

So yes constant communication is key.

 

[sleazure]

Maybe it depends whether you're a true domme in your personal life. You might find yourself unable to have a full and complete complete respect for someone who is too willing to completely permit you to define the conditions and boundaries of your relationship. If you want a good man to accept you as you are, you may need to accept him as he is, as well.

 

[Stoo]

Isn't the "It's my job" "defense" the same as "She's was only a hooker, honey" when the wife finds out you hobby. I don't know, but I don't think most wives, g/fs would just say, "Oh, OK"...

 

[VictoriaStyles]

Excellent.

It goes back to that one concept: communication.

Precisely, basic human behavior to want to please. Just gets messy when it isn't specified.

You've got to give people the benefit of the doubt. If everything's clear and you're let down, your conscience is clear when you're walking away.

 

[GPIDEAL]

That was the key to our success. That and allowing me to change my mind...... repeatedly. I am woman after all. We do that. ALOT! LOL.

As I said, sometimes I wanted to know and sometimes I didn't. When I didn't, he did everything he could to remain discrete. When I did want to know, he was still discrete but he was honest with me while still trying to not hurt my feelings, so it was not like boasting about all the sorted details.

There were some hard times, and some fights and even hurt feelings regardless at times, but it was the communication factor that let us get through it.

So yes constant communication is key.

Okay great. Having such openness can be a treacherous path, so I suppose another expectation is the odd spat.

 

[Ms.FemmeFatale]

Okay great. Having such openness can be a treacherous path, so I suppose another expectation is the odd spat.

Ya, but the reward - GREAT MAKE UP SEX!!!!! :eyebrows:


In all seriousness, there are going to be fights in all relationships about all sorts of different issues. However having great communication makes it easier to work through those spats.

There is a reason why they say communication is key. It helps set those expectations/boundaries in the beginning. Helps the couple be honest about what they want individually and then mutually together, and it helps the most when things are the toughest, which is usually a fight or something that has happened that has a very negative affect on the relationship (example: loss of job, child/parent/family member, long distance relationships, etc)

 

[GPIDEAL]

Isn't the "It's my job" "defense" the same as "She's was only a hooker, honey" when the wife finds out you hobby. I don't know, but I don't think most wives, g/fs would just say, "Oh, OK"...

No because we're not talking about an SP hiding what she does for a living from her BF.

 

[GPIDEAL]

Ya, but the reward - GREAT MAKE UP SEX!!!!! :eyebrows:

I dont' recall if you said so, but did you swing together too? If so, did that help?

 

[Ms.FemmeFatale]

I dont' recall if you said so, but did you swing together too? If so, did that help?

Actually we don't. We have talked about sex clubs, or public sex. Viewing group sex etc and that may be a possibility in the future. However swinging is not really our thing. Not for him and not for me for a variety of different reasons. For me, I am not interested in another man, and I am a selfish little bitch who would not share a woman whenever I choose to take one. For him, he likes the chase and there just doesn't seem that type of dynamic in the swinging scene.

 

[AlannaJohnson]

Hmmmm... Do hobbyists expect their wives/SOs to be faithful?

I myself am all about openness, honesty and non-monogamy... but I know that I tend to be the odd one out in this predominantly "monogamous" society. It's too bad that there is so much pressure to have a (perceived) monogamous relationship in today's society.

I couldn't agree more with Charley's statement

We live in a society in which an unrealistic ideal is being upheld as the norm. Long-term (at least physical) monogamy doesn't work -- and most of us here on this board can attest to that.

Now, it does seem like LadyTY is ok with some physical non-monogamy on the part of her partner, but no strong emotional attachments. This is not much different from swinger-type relationships, and LadyTY, there are definitely people out there willing to agree to that.

Personally, whether or not I am in this biz, I would only want some kind of open relationship in my life. That doesn't mean it's a free-for-all. Boundaries can and should be negotiated. Finding someone willing to agree to an open relationship is in itself a task, since most people are wired towards monogamy and when that fails, towards cheating & hiding, rather than towards honesty & openness. Additionally finding someone willing to have an (albeit) open relationship with an SP is even one step beyond that. Add to that questions of mental compatibility, mutual emotional & physical/sexual needs being met, and one can see how we're looking for a needle in a haystack here.

That being said, IMO in any type of relationship, it continues to be unrealistic to expect One Person to fulfill All of Our Needs for any serious length of time. Some things will always be better shared with a close gf or maybe with another partner.

In my own situation, especially given the SEXciting nature of my occupation, getting all my sexual needs met in a personal life relationship is not nearly as important as getting my emotional & mental stimulation needs met, and as long as I'm getting those needs met, I can surely provide plenty of SEXcitement and more for my partner(s.)

 

[Scooter Brown]

Scooter, your analogy doesn't work (for one thing, both deeds are illegal, regardless if you're a hitman or not).

There's nothing wrong with an SP expecting infidelity from her sole love interest because she's not in love with her paying customers that she only sees for a relatively short session compared to the full-time relationship she has with her BF or SO. She's not forcing someone to a double-standard. She just wants someone who can understand that it's only her job. Whether she finds someone who is comfortable with that arrangement is another matter.

Of course it does work! Prostitution is illegal in many countries too, including our closest neighbour, the US. And what's the law? Nothing but a set of prescribed social norms that define what deviant behaviours and implications are. I also mentioned that it was a hypothetical situation. It's very harsh analogy, I admit, used to illustrate the point of having dual standards, nothing else.

However, I agree with you it's up to an SP and her BF to set up expectations any way they want. And I cannot agree with you more on how realistic it is whether she will find someone who meets her expectations. To that point, I would highly advise girls with such expectations to spend a few bucks and buy a LottoMax ticket. The odds of winning a jackpot are much more favourable than finding a guy they want.

 

[GPIDEAL]

Of course it does work! Prostitution is illegal in many countries too, including our closest neighbour, the US. And what's the law? Nothing but a set of prescribed social norms that define what deviant behaviours and implications are. I also mentioned that it was a hypothetical situation. It's very harsh analogy, I admit, used to illustrate the point of having dual standards, nothing else.

By deeds, I meant assassination vs. civilian homocide, not prostitution vs. adultery (which aren't illegal or prohibited per se in Canada). I took issue with your analogy becaue the hitman's spouse is not free to commit murder (the two wrongs don't make a right rule also applies). Perhaps it would work if the couple were like Mr. and Mrs. Smith (the two assassins played by Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie).

However, I agree with you it's up to an SP and her BF to set up expectations any way they want. And I cannot agree with you more on how realistic it is whether she will find someone who meets her expectations. To that point, I would highly advise girls with such expectations to spend a few bucks and buy a LottoMax ticket. The odds of winning a jackpot are much more favourable than finding a guy they want.

I think there will always be more SPs with BFs, etc. than SP LottoMax winners.

 

[rhuarc29]

... so tell me how it is wrong to find certain traits in a partner to be important.

If a man is attracted to women with blonde hair, is he selfish if he gravitates to blondes?
If a woman likes a man who will open doors for her and treat her like a lady, is she selfish to gravitate towards chivalrous men?
If I am attracted to men who I believe will be faithful towards me and accept my profession, I am not being selfish - I am being honest with myself in terms of what I believe will make me happy. I'm not forcing anyone to do anything they don't want to do or accept anything they don't want to accept - if a man can't handle my job or can't accept my desire for him to be faithful, we're simply not a match.

What would be selfish is if we were making the decision for our partners or potential partners by hiding what we do. I made that mistake long ago and got caught. I was selfish and I deserved to get dumped (.... and I sure did lol).

A relationship is about mutual give and take. To go looking for a man that accepts your situation is one thing, but to expect it is another. I think that most men would expect you to leave your profession if you wanted to carry on a long-term relationship with them and wanted them to be faithful to you...I'd be one of them.

I truly wish all you ladies luck. Despite the difficulties your profession involves, everyone deserves the chance to find someone.

 

[GPIDEAL]

A relationship is about mutual give and take. To go looking for a man that accepts your situation is one thing, but to expect it is another. I think that most men would expect you to leave your profession if you wanted to carry on a long-term relationship with them and wanted them to be faithful to you...I'd be one of them.

I truly wish all you ladies luck. Despite the difficulties your profession involves, everyone deserves the chance to find someone.

What Jennifer referred to as a 'trait' is really an expectation on the terms for the relationship, not a physical feature or character attribute. However, it may be no different than a musician who tells his girlfriend before they embark on a longterm committed relationship that (and I can quote someone), "if you don't let me rock, than walk". The job doesn't have to be that of a musician. It could simply be a policeman who's wife doesn't want him to be in the line of fire, or a job where someone has to work nights.

In each of these examples, it's the occupation that can strain a relationship. So you have to find the right partner.

I've seen in various examples, including with exotic dancers I know or I know of, who play down that fact or outright lie about it (I know a gal who probably still does, but who doesn't want me to know because she probably wants me to be her friend first, not a customer or someone who thinks is being played). Their job makes it difficult to either have a BF or male friend. They want someone to like or love them for more than their occupation.

 

[VictoriaStyles]

I hear this alot. What interests me about the argument is that it never seems clear whether the stress is being placed on the honesty or the non-monogamy. Thus, is the claim that non-monogamy via honesty is fine, and is a worthy position more people should discuss? Or is it a claim that non-monogamy is natural, given the subsidiary implication that monogamy is the result of pressure, leaving the honesty part just an add-on not doing much real work?

I suspect too many are just using honesty in a superfluous fashion, and despite their claim to being cool and rebelling against society, are in the grip of a version of the consumerist ideology of immediate gratification. Quite ironic.

But it's just my 0.02 cents. If people were just plain old honest about their strengths and weaknesses, and if that included not being able to sacrifice a few immediate gratifications, well THAT would be an honest arrangement!



True. Each person states what they can give and away they go figuring out if it can work.

But the initial premise of no rules is just silly. Show me the person, in right mind, who really wants to put in way more than they get back. Saying "this is what I can offer, is that OK", is first to follow a social rule (fair negotiation). But saying "I cannot give X but I expect you to do so", which was the original question, is just the same as picking a weak person and offering to exploit them. Everyone knows that violates all kinds of social rules we are OK with most of the time, such as fair dealing, or even "don't exploit those weaker".



I love how the girls keep chiming in saying they fully agree yet then what they say is not full agreement!

Victoria said she agreed with Femme on no rules etc. But the very idea of "properly" set expectations means we intend to allow our expectations to be guided by broader practices, by practices outside ourselves that we use as a standard when deciding if our expectations are proper. Another word for those broader practices is rules!

Why the constant presumption that really cool sexual relations have to be outside the purview of anyone but our single selves? Thinking our sexual selves are worlds unto themselves is just the kind of (selfish) thinking that leads to demanding fidelity from someone but saying you won't provide it.



While I agree that monogamy might be an unrealistic norm by many, so that Charley and Alanna are correct to point to a need for more frank discussion about sex in a relationship, doesn't Alanna's final thoughts undo the whole work/life distinction several SP's rolled out as a rationale for why demanding fidelity from BF might NOT be a double-standard???

If Alanna is correct, that the sexual aspect of the job means the focus in her outside-work relationships shifts to having her emotional needs met (and if they are, the sex is going to be good), then from some BF's perspective there is NOT going to be a split between job and life. Part of what makes her happy is being met elsewhere. Sure he might get some benefits from that too, but we're just not talking about the sheer compartmentalization spoken of by several SP's earlier on in the thread.

I should have stated the exact point I was agreeing with. Femme's point that it is up to the two in the relationship to decide is what I was supporting.

Not everyone has the same expectations going into that kind of relationship, if they are not defined someone will be hurt.

The debate should never be a blanket "monogamy or not". The debate should be a poll to find out how many people don't have the common sense to have an adult conversation about it beforehand.

 

[Ms.FemmeFatale]

.......

Just to be clear. I never said no rules. I said a relationship does not have to follow society's rules on relationship. Meaning the 2 involved need to make their own rules.

 

[dman44]

I am guessing 90% of men in a situation where their girlfriend/wife was escorting and they knew would cheat given the chance. Especially if it was a gorgeous blond with dd's at a bar or something. We're wired to want to cheat already... Give us some good ammunition that slowly eats us up inside, a couple drinks, and its gonna happen eventually. You may never find out about it, But it will. Anyways, thats just my 2 cents lol