You may come to hate me for this...

[Perry Mason]

On the bridge that spanned a ravine,
Archibald was screwing Kathleen.
The force of his lunge
Caused the whole thing to plunge...
Worse fucking disaster I've ever seen.

In the Garden of Eden lay Adam,
Complacently stroking his madam.
And much was his mirth
For on all of the Earth,
There were only two balls and he had 'em.

A weathered old goucho named Bruno
Said, "Fucking is one thing I do know.
“Women are fine,
“And sheep are divine,
“But llama are numero uno!"

There was a young lady from China
Who had an enormous vagina.
And when she was dead
They painted it red,
And used it for docking a liner.

The gay young Duke of Buckingham
Stood on the bridge at Rockingham
Watching the stunts
Of the cunts in the punts
And the tricks of the pricks that were fucking 'em.


I think limericks are like puns: if they good, they are good; if they are not they induce puking.

Let's see what you can come up with...

Perry

 

[rgkv]

There was a man from Lamair
Who met the maid on the stair
As the banister broke
He doubled his stroke
And finished her off in the air

 

[Butler1000]

There once was a man from Nantucket
Who's cock was so big he could suck it
And he would say with a grin
Much to everyone's chagrin
"If my ear was a cunt I could Fuck it!"

 

[Titalian]

Perry are you drinking ??? I know I am, VODKA ! Anyways here goes.

Roses are nice,
Violets are fine,
I’ll be the six,
If you be the nine.

 

[Titalian]

Fuck I am drunk.

Sex is good
Sex is fine
Doggy Style & 69
Just for fun
Or gettin paid
Everyone likes gettin laid

 

[buttercup]

Once, a young chap called Apollo
Told a girl, as they kissed in a hollow
"Did you know that my dick"
"Is three inches thick?"
She said. "That's a hard one to swallow."

 

[rgkv]

There once was a man from Nantucket
Who's cock was so big he could suck it
And he would say with a grin
Much to everyone's chagrin
"If my ear was a cunt I could Fuck it!"

The version I learned

There once was a man from Nantucket
Who's cock was so LONG he could suck it
And he would say with a grin
AS HE WIPED OFF HIS CHIN
"If my ear was a cunt I would fuck it"

Not to say your versions not as good..

 

[Ironhead]

There once was a girl in Mill Hill
Who liked to use dynamite sticks for a thrill
They found her vagina in North Carolina
And bits of her tits in Brazil.

 

[rgkv]

Down by the station where nobody goes sat poor Mary without any clothes
Along came a beatnik swinging a chain
Pulled down his pants and out it came
Two brass balls and an electric cock
Gave poor Mary a hell of a shock
Three months later all was well
Six months later she began to swell
Nine months later out it came
A bald headed bastard
Swinging a chain

 

[Perry Mason]

THIS THREAD IS RESERVED FOR LIMERICKS!!!!


There were two young ladies of Birmingham,
And this is the story concerning 'em,
They lifted the frock,
And diddled the cock,
Of the Bishop as he was confirming 'em.

But the Bishop was nobody's fool,
He'd been to a large public school,
He pulled down their britches,
And diddled those bitches,
With his ten-inch Episcopal tool.

But that didn't bother these two,
They said as the Bishop withdrew,
"The Vicar is slicker,
And quicker and thicker,
And longer and stronger than you."

There was a young man from Calleen,
Who invented a fucking machine,
He pulled out the choke,
And the bloody thing broke,
And mixed both his balls into cream.

Perry

 

[rgkv]

There was a young man from Calleen,
Who invented a fucking machine,
He pulled out the choke,
And the bloody thing broke,
And mixed both his balls into cream.

Another version

There was a man from Lachine
Who build a whack-off machine
On the 49th stroke
The god damn thing broke
And battered his balls to cream

 

[2canchew]

There once was a girl in Mill Hill
Who liked to use dynamite sticks for a thrill
They found her vagina in North Carolina
And bits of her tits in Brazil.

:clap2: That was funny Ironheaed. Just what I needed today. Thanks :thumb:

 

[ballher]

The Captain had a cabin boy
Who had tight rear tipper
And ever night at half past ten
He'd take him for a dipper
Oh cabin boy, oh cabin boy
You nasty little nipper
You reamed your ass with coke bottle glass
And circumcised the skipper

In days of old
When knights were bold
And rubbers weren't invented
Men use socks
To cover their cocks
And babies were prevented

 

[buttercup]

There once was a girl in Mill Hill
Who liked to use dynamite sticks for a thrill
They found her vagina in North Carolina
And bits of her tits in Brazil.

A beautiful lady from Dallas,
Used a dynamite stick for a phallus,
They found her vagina,
in North Carolina,
And her tits in Buckingham Palace

 

[MissCroft]

There once was a girl from Madras,
who had such a beautiful ass.
Not rounded and pink,
as you probably think, but grey,
with long ears and ate grass.


There was a young whore from Kaloo,
who filled her vagina with glue.
She said with a grin, "If they pay to get in,
they can pay to get out again too."


The limerick is callous and crude,
Its morals distressingly lewd;
It's not worth the reading
by persons of breeding -
It's designed for us vulgar and rude.

 

[Submariner]

There once was a Lady from France
Who took a train, by chance
The engineer fucked her
Right after the conductor
While the brakeman came off in his pants.

 

[xmontrealer]

I had to resurrect this thread so I could share two limericks from Episode 1 of "The Crown" on Netflix:

The first is voiced by Captain Peter Townsend (Princess Margaret's lover) as he is helping King George VI to fasten his collar and formal tie in preparation for a ceremony. The King is getting impatient with all the fussing, and Townsend calms him down with his ribald humour.

Townsend's limerick is just ok , but is an obvious setup for the much better limerick that King George offers back.


Peter Townsend:

There was a young lady named Sally,
Who enjoyed an occasional dally.
She sat on the lap of a well-endowed chap,
And cried Sir, you’re right up my alley!


King George VI: (in a very measured, aristocratic British accent)

There was an old Countess of Bray,
And you may think it odd when I say,
That despite her high station,
Rank, and education,
She always spelled "cunt" with a K!

 

[Shallow Throat]

From my youth...

Old Man Nickie had a 10 foot dickie,
He showed it to the lady next door,
She thought it was a snake
And hit it with a rake,
Now it's only 5 foot 4

 

[Harley]

There was a prospector up in the Sioux
Sent home for 2 punts and a canoe
Reply came the next day
Ladies on the way
But what the hell is a panoe

 

[Shades]

There was a young lady who begat,
Three babies named Nat, Pat, and Tat,
It was fun in the breeding,
But hell in the feeding,
When she discovered there was no tit for Tat