Unreciprocated love........

[Insidious Von]

When I was a feckless POS, I thought I was in a relationship - I wasn't. She wasn't into me, just using me as a guinea pig, to learn how to manipulate men. She strung me along many times, I would stop calling her, she'd call me and I'd take her back.

Eventually I'd had enough, I told her that if she wanted to bag that successful business man she's set on, she better learn to give head. She slapped me, I turned and walked away - no chance I was driving her home. Her problem is she had no self esteem, she was being manipulated by her sexy girlfriend who considered herself a gold digger. A decade later I ran into her girlfriend at Country Style, my life had improved considerably and her looks had merged with her personality. I haven't gone back to that location since.

The Northern Pikes don't lie.

 

[luvdog]

Men have a greater problem extricating themselves from involvements. The kind of clingy obsessiveness that is so alien to women when they are doing the dumping is fair game when they are being dumped. Having run into a couple of "bunny boilers" in my time, I found that trying to do the decent thing and sit down for a face to face, gentlemanly break up, just isn't in the rule book for them. Easier to text your goodbyes or simply ghost them.
So one rule doesn't fit all. They need special consideration. Men are disposable as tampons.

Yes. Even when there is a good reason( Her cheating), sitting down and talking it out doesn't work.

You will get blamed for the break up(Default) as a guy, if not by just her, but by everyone else who she tells.
Even if it is not true.

L.D.

 

[Male4Strapon]

Playing the devil's advocate here for a minute. Women have different rules about dumping and being dumped. Women tend to dump like flipping a switch. After which there is no discussion or explanation required. Except to get into a huddle with their support group. ( of supportive girlfriends). Their response to any protest or questioning on the why or the wherefore is " I don't want to talk about it" End of discussion.
Men have a greater problem extricating themselves from involvements. The kind of clingy obsessiveness that is so alien to women when they are doing the dumping is fair game when they are being dumped. Having run into a couple of "bunny boilers" in my time, I found that trying to do the decent thing and sit down for a face to face, gentlemanly break up, just isn't in the rule book for them. Easier to text your goodbyes or simply ghost them.
So one rule doesn't fit all. They need special consideration. Men are disposable as tampons.

If that’s the case then men need to accept that they aren’t going to get the reasoning they might want. In fact given the obsessive exes I don’t blame women for ending it and cutting off communication immediately because keeping guys hopeful through continued contact & friendship might just encourage guys’ obsessions.

Maybe it’s become more common but when I was dating and I got dumped, the play was to fake it till you make it…. Act like you don’t care that she dumped you because you’re now free to hook up with other girls. Even if it hurt, we weren’t supposed to show it.

I’m not saying that’s right either but it would never have occurred to me to follow her around, contact her friends & family or send gifts.

 

[Robert Mugabe]

If that’s the case then men need to accept that they aren’t going to get the reasoning they might want. In fact given the obsessive exes I don’t blame women for ending it and cutting off communication immediately because keeping guys hopeful through continued contact & friendship might just encourage guys’ obsessions.

Maybe it’s become more common but when I was dating and I got dumped, the play was to fake it till you make it…. Act like you don’t care that she dumped you because you’re now free to hook up with other girls. Even if it hurt, we weren’t supposed to show it.

I’m not saying that’s right either but it would never have occurred to me to follow her around, contact her friends & family or send gifts.

Well I am talking as much of observation as experience. When I got dumped I pretty much took it on the chin and got drunk for a while to deal with it. But a few guys I observed got dumped suddenly, although they were maybe being too obtuse to see the signs, but the common response from the girl was " I don't want to talk about it" which can get your blood pressure up. Yes, they are being defensive and trying to nip it in the bud and trying to protect themselves from all kind of repercussions, but the guys I am talking about were non violent and reasonable. Just wanted some kind of explanation to make it easier to understand. A bit of courtesy might have helped. After which they could have walked away sadder but wiser. I actually got one ex to sit down and have a beer with me and once she explained my short comings in a polite and reasonable way I accepted it . And wished her well. I have also done the same for a girl I wanted to break from. She appreciated the explanation. Even if we know the answer, it can be helpful to hear it from the source. Helps you get over it.

 

[massman]

As a much younger more immature (late teenager) man, I was unexpectedly, suddenly unceremoniously dumped. She just stopped answering my calls. At what I thought was the height of the relationship. No warning, no explanation. It hurt. It hurt much like losing a loved one. I didn’t stalk her etc, and after leaving a bunch of messages and no answer, I gave up. But I still wanted to see her, so I’d often take a detour to drive thru her neighbourhood, hoping I’d “accidentally” meet up with her, or at least catch a glimpse. I did this for a couple weeks then realized I was an idiot. In relationships I am the furthest from jealous, controlling, abusive etc. So even a guy like me was so desperate to see her, that I was acting like an idiot.
All this is in no way to excuse the behaviour of the guy in question. I’ve known a few female friends that were stalked by exes, and when I heard of the behaviour I was actually worried for their safety. But I find it fascinating even in a normal fellow like me, that I felt tempted to engage in stalkerish behaviour. It must me something deep inside us, that this behaviour is so ingrained. If combined with a person who is controlling or abusive, one can see how it can turn into a powder keg.
We never learn, unless by experience, how to deal with this type of loss. That feeling of being in love with someone is just like a drug, giving you a little dopamine hit with every text, call, and a massive high with physical stuff, and when it disappears it’s like withdrawal.

The people that hang on like this, to me are like the people who have a loved one that is clearly dying, eg incurable cancer, severe unrecoverable brain damage etc, yet still insist on them being kept alive artificially
When someone dies, it’s over, you have to start getting on with the grieving. There is no turning back so one has to accept it’s over. With a breakup, or in the case of a loved one only kept alive by life support, there is an illusion of “hope”. People are stuck at that denial or bargaining stage of grief. Even if it is 100% unrealistic. Combine this with an unstable or abusive personality, it’s a bad combination.

 

[thirdcup]

I had a similar experience in university, but rather than dumping me, she just became gradually more distant. At first I took it as her needing more space, and I was busy with my studies anyway, but then she started cancelling our plans. The more distance she put, the more I tried to "fix" it, which pushed her further away. Eventually she ghosted me. For the record, being ghosted sucks. There's no finality to it, you have no idea what went wrong, and no reasonable way of finding out. I refused to try tracking her down and confronting her, but am ashamed to say I left one very upset voicemail with her letting her know what I thought about her cowardly method of breaking up, before going my own way. Don't know how you can ghost someone that you ever cared for.

But I learnt a lesson from that. If I sense a woman pulling back, I let her go now. And when I break up with a woman, I make sure to do it to her face, instead of gradually disappearing from her life. Don't want to crush someone the way I was crushed by that one woman.

In my days as a single guy, there were women who were not cowardly - they told me straight up that it's over. It hurt, but there was finality. Then there were the ones who ghosted me. To my mind this is an act of cowardice, a lack of strength. For my own part, I admit it was tough telling a woman I'm done with her (after being with her for more than a one night stand), where there was some expectation of continuity. This was especially true for my first long term gf. Breaking the news to her was tough, but I did it.

One big lesson that I learned it that you cannot force someone to love you, any more than you can be forced to love someone else.
The author Rollo Tomassi has famously said - You cannot negotiate attraction.

 

[fall]

The people that hang on like this, to me are like the people who have a loved one that is clearly dying, eg incurable cancer, severe unrecoverable brain damage etc, yet still insist on them being kept alive artificially
When someone dies, it’s over, you have to start getting on with the grieving. There is no turning back so one has to accept it’s over. With a breakup, or in the case of a loved one only kept alive by life support, there is an illusion of “hope”. People are stuck at that denial or bargaining stage of grief. Even if it is 100% unrealistic. Combine this with an unstable or abusive personality, it’s a bad combination.

100%

 

[rhuarc29]

One big lesson that I learned it that you cannot force someone to love you, any more than you can be forced to love someone else.
The author Rollo Tomassi has famously said - You cannot negotiate attraction.

Wholeheartedly agree. When someone falls out of love with you, there's an urge to hold onto them harder, which inevitably pushes them further away. Love can be rekindled, but it's difficult, and clutching desperately is not how to do it.

It's an impulse many men need to master.