Unreciprocated love........

[Male4Strapon]

I just ignore, ignore, ignore. It doesn’t phase me anymore.

I have no doubt that you have explored every possibility to stop it but generally speaking I don’t think that is the best path. Ignoring only goes so far, at some point you have to bring in the police and get court orders against him.
I hope you won’t hesitate to do that if his actions continue. Ignoring him could ramp up his actions to get the attention from you that you are not giving him.
Be safe.

 

[Male4Strapon]

I believe, the guy suffers more from the rejection than the girl from stalking.

I think you’re way off on this point.
The guy isn’t afraid to be alone in a secluded place. He isn’t looking around parking lots or his home to see if her car is there. He’s not going to bed and waking in a panic that he may have left the door unlocked.
Whether he means to or not, the guys who do this are terrorizing these girls and are in no way suffering the way she is. He could be suffering heartbreak but in most cases she has already gone through that too which led to her deciding to end it.

 

[fall]

I don’t know about that. I mean I can see that now because I have all the security in the world that he wouldn’t dare try something but for a while, the fear and anxiety created by being stalked is awful.

The stalker is choosing their suffering by not moving on but the stalked is a victim and trust me, being stalked is not fun. I have been stalked by this same person for years now. Yes - years. So I have come to learn how to deal but I don’t know if I would say the stalker feels suffering more.

I agree, but it is the same way as addition. It is not that the guy do not understand that he must move on, it is just he cannot do it. This is why I am saying that psychological help is needed. Break ups can have severe affect on mental health, and just saying "stay away" does not help much. I understand that, legally, it is not the girl's problem (although, if they were in a meaningful relationship before, it may be her moral duty to help the guy), but some medical help is definitely required.

 

[fall]

I think you’re way off on this point.
The guy isn’t afraid to be alone in a secluded place. He isn’t looking around parking lots or his home to see if her car is there. He’s not going to bed and waking in a panic that he may have left the door unlocked.
Whether he means to or not, the guys who do this are terrorizing these girls and are in no way suffering the way she is. He could be suffering heartbreak but in most cases she has already gone through that too which led to her deciding to end it.

Well, he is suffering in different way, but it is hard to say who is suffering more. Did he physically abused the girl? If not, than, playing the devil's advocate, you can say that the girl is not in danger and should not be threatened by him being around her car or a house. There are many angles here, and, what you see as a simple solution (for him to move alone), maybe impossible for him to do on his own.

 

[|2 /-\ | /|/]

I agree with you but you’ve missed my point that in the jilted ex’s view it IS love.
There are those who are controlling and are chasing their ex because of that. Those guys are not doing it for love as you said.
I wrote my post trying to connect with the others who don’t mean harm. They don’t even understand what they’re doing is wrong. My friend’s ex thinks they’re going through a low point in the relationship that she ended in early 2020.
Odds are high that there are some guys here who are or have been is such situations and I am trying to get through to them some perspective that they are not seeing on their own.

I think our intentions are similar. Many times these guys don’t realize how much they are hurting the ones they love and can’t introspect and self reflect to realize how damaging their actions and thoughts can be to both parties. I try to put myself in their head to see. I knew a guy on here who did similar things with the girl he though he was in love with but didn’t realize he was hurting her. Although she went after his wallet big time and strung him along making him believe and it didn’t end well. I think this stuff is very common especially in this industry.

The question is how to get through to them and help them see it? Is it get inside their world and speak in their language. Is it impossible and this is who they are at their core. I always believe every person has an exploit and can get through if you care enough to try and help them. But then again how much is it helping them if they don’t learn the lesson the hard way and some never do regardless of the consequences. It’s almost as if there is no hope they are damaged beyond repair and will take anyone down with them.

I guess they need to learn the hard way because there are consequences both to their mental well being and consequences to their social status especially within the law based on these actions.

You wish you can somehow tell them just let it go and find someone else but it’s never that easy especially when they believe and are convinced their thoughts are reality.

 

[Jenesis]

I have no doubt that you have explored every possibility to stop it but generally speaking I don’t think that is the best path. Ignoring only goes so far, at some point you have to bring in the police and get court orders against him.
I hope you won’t hesitate to do that if his actions continue. Ignoring him could ramp up his actions to get the attention from you that you are not giving him.
Be safe.

Oh I have. He has learned not to set foot on my actual property from the police last time.

I have police reports, camera surveillance videos, the whole nine.

Peace Bonds are hard and require him to be present in front of JP, which gives him what he wants. Attention from me. He’ll read this and that is too much attention in my opinion.

Restraining orders are a different and are for family court matters.

He did all his bad shit attempts already though. There is not much left to try for him to be honest. This is the only reason I am so cavalier about it now. But it took years. And he will do this for life. I have no doubt.

 

[Male4Strapon]

Well, he is suffering in different way, but it is hard to say who is suffering more. Did he physically abused the girl? If not, than, playing the devil's advocate, you can say that the girl is not in danger and should not be threatened by him being around her car or a house. There are many angles here, and, what you see as a simple solution (for him to move alone), maybe impossible for him to do on his own.

Jenesis or another woman can likely provide better insight than I could but the fact he wasn't abusive before doesn't mean he wouldn't harm her now.

In my friend's situation he has never threatened her harm but the police told her that they rarely do at first. They told her it's usually guys with no criminal history, functional regular guys and their actions go from what they deem to be geniune love and attempts to fix what broke the relationship. Then becoming consumed with the ex, anger that she doesn't want to fix it as much as he does and the belief that she will come around and see how special they are together so he wants to convince her they're meant to be together because he knows that she will see that one day.
They told her it can escalate to following her around and jealousy that she might be out with other guys which he views as her cheating. They said that everything prior is concerning but when it reaches the point of his feeling she can't be with others because she's committed to him, that's when things can get out of control quickly and the nice guy he was when they dated can become jealous and fill with rage.

 

[fall]

Oh I have. He has learned not to set foot on my actual property from the police last time.

I have police reports, camera surveillance videos, the whole nine.

Peace Bonds are hard and require him to be present in front of JP, which gives him what he wants. Attention from me. He’ll read this and that is too much attention in my opinion.

Restraining orders are a different and are for family court matters.

He did all his bad shit attempts already though. There is not much left to try for him to be honest. This is the only reason I am so cavalier about it now. But it took years. And he will do this for life. I have no doubt.

But did you try the opposite? Not to ignore him or get the restraining order, but talk to him? Maybe try to remain his friend (or pretend to be) for a while. Hell, point him to a nice escort. Maybe pay an escort to pretend to be a civilian and bump into the guy in a bar. Once there is another girl who expresses an interest in a guy, it is much easier for the guy to mover on from his ex. In other words, help the guy top get over. While it is not something you are obligated to do, your job, it may have led to a better outcome for both of you. Of course, I am assuming you loved the guy at some point, so, you are not just selfishly want to get rid of him, but do care about him too.

 

[fall]

Jenesis or another woman can likely provide better insight than I could but the fact he wasn't abusive before doesn't mean he wouldn't harm her now.

In my friend's situation he has never threatened her harm but the police told her that they rarely do at first. They told her it's usually guys with no criminal history, functional regular guys and their actions go from what they deem to be geniune love and attempts to fix what broke the relationship. Then becoming consumed with the ex, anger that she doesn't want to fix it as much as he does and the belief that she will come around and see how special they are together so he wants to convince her they're meant to be together because he knows that she will see that one day.
They told her it can escalate to following her around and jealousy that she might be out with other guys which he views as her cheating. They said that everything prior is concerning but when it reaches the point of his feeling she can't be with others because she's committed to him, that's when things can get out of control quickly and the nice guy he was when they dated can become jealous and fill with rage.

True to that, this is why I said "play devil's advocate". Yet, it is wrong to convict the guy based on what he could do in the future . What I am saying is that ignoring, restraining order, hard one-sided break-up are the easier way to deal with this, but definitely not the most effective: the result may be just opposite. Communication is the key, and it should start when the relationship is still there. It does take lots of effort from the party who wants to end the relationship, but, IMHO, it avoids these escalated outcomes. And I am surprises why a seasoned escort, who must be very good at pretending and building relationships with people, does not have enough patience to solve this issue in a collaborative way.

 

[Jenesis]

Well, he is suffering in different way, but it is hard to say who is suffering more. Did he physically abused the girl? If not, than, playing the devil's advocate, you can say that the girl is not in danger and should not be threatened by him being around her car or a house. There are many angles here, and, what you see as a simple solution (for him to move alone), maybe impossible for him to do on his own.

In mine and many cases, stalkers were abusive during the relationship. They have an issue with boundaries. I don’t know why but they do.

I was abused in every form. Physically mentally, emotionally, financially and sexually. It was a total domestic violence situation. I don’t know why it took me so long to move on. I still don’t know why but with counselling I was able to find my strength to leave for good.

All I can say though is the fear and anxiety are like nothing else I have felt. Not feeling safe in your own home is horrible.

You can never truly underestimate a stalker. Mine will read this and he could decide to come kill me tomorrow for it. They are that volatile and therefore extremely dangerous.

 

[Male4Strapon]

But did you try the opposite? Not to ignore him or get the restraining order, but talk to him? Maybe try to remain his friend (or pretend to be) for a while. Hell, point him to a nice escort. Maybe pay an escort to pretend to be a civilian and bump into the guy in a bar. Once there is another girl who expresses an interest in a guy, it is much easier for the guy to mover on from his ex. In other words, help the guy top get over. While it is not something you are obligated to do, your job, it may have led to a better outcome for both of you. Of course, I am assuming you loved the guy at some point, so, you are not just selfishly want to get rid of him, but do care about him too.

I am just guessing but my first thought is that a woman is concerned enough that she has to do that then she probably would be conflicted about passing the buck and making another woman his next "victim"

In mine and many cases, stalker were abusive during the relationship. They have an issue with boundaries. I don’t know why but they do.

I was abused in every form. Physically mentally, emotionally, financially and sexually. It was a total domestic violence situation. I don’t know why it took me so long to move on. I still don’t know why but with counselling I was able to find my strength to leave for good.

All I can say though is the fear and anxiety are like nothing else I have felt. Not feeling safe in your own home is horrible.

You can never truly underestimate a stalker. Mine will read this and he could decide to come kill me tomorrow for it. They are that volatile and therefore extremely dangerous.

I'm very sorry to hear that.

 

[Jenesis]

But did you try the opposite? Not to ignore him or get the restraining order, but talk to him? Maybe try to remain his friend (or pretend to be) for a while. Hell, point him to a nice escort. Maybe pay an escort to pretend to be a civilian and bump into the guy in a bar. Once there is another girl who expresses an interest in a guy, it is much easier for the guy to mover on from his ex. In other words, help the guy top get over. While it is not something you are obligated to do, your job, it may have led to a better outcome for both of you. Of course, I am assuming you loved the guy at some point, so, you are not just selfishly want to get rid of him, but do care about him too.

oh Ya. Totally tried that. That is what he ultimately used to keep a hold on me. He totally abused the privilege and now has to deal with nothing.

We are talking 12 years here. Not just a couple months and done. This was a total DV relationship that I had to escape and even when I tried to place nice, I payed the price.

oh and during this 12 years he had a couple of long-ish term relationships with other women. He is probably fucking someone now. Or multiple someone’s as that is what he likes and yet he will still drive by my place and follow me here on TERB. He is just never going to totally move on. Even if he found and loved another women. I don’t know why but that is my reality.

 

[TimeOutCalled]

Obsession is not love. It’s a mental illness. It’s criminal. Full stop. Too many women have been harassed, assaulted or murdered by men who won’t take no for an answer.

Walk away and go directly to a therapist. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. You’re fucked up. Get help.

 

[fall]

oh Ya. Totally tried that. That is what he ultimately used to keep a hold on me. He totally abused the privilege and now has to deal with nothing.

We are talking 12 years here. Not just a couple months and done. This was a total DV relationship that I had to escape and even when I tried to place nice, I payed the price.

oh and during this 12 years he had a couple of long-ish term relationships with other women. He is probably fucking someone now. Or multiple someone’s as that is what he likes and yet he will still drive by my place and follow me here on TERB. He is just never going to totally move on. Even if he found and loved another women. I don’t know why but that is my reality.

Yes, this is bad. He definitely needs medical help.

 

[fall]

Obsession is not love. It’s a mental illness. It’s criminal.

So, is it mental health of criminal? Maybe it is time to recognize it as a mental health and provide support the same way we do for depression, alcoholism, gambling, etc. Unfortunately, the only available cure now is the one provided by our lovely SPs

 

[poopypants]

Obsession is not love. It’s a mental illness. It’s criminal. Full stop. Too many women have been harassed, assaulted or murdered by men who won’t take no for an answer.

Walk away and go directly to a therapist. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. You’re fucked up. Get help.

Teacher killed in Sask. murder-suicide was leaving abusive husband, family says

Warning: This story contains disturbing details Della Duquette will never forget her younger sister's dying words: "Go! Sis, it's OK, I'm going to die." It was an order for Duquette to run for her life, she said, as her sister's estranged husband pointed a rifle at them Monday afternoon in a...

ca.yahoo.com

 

[Male4Strapon]

So, is it mental health of criminal? Maybe it is time to recognize it as a mental health and provide support the same way we do for depression, alcoholism, gambling, etc. Unfortunately, the only available cure now is the one provided by our lovely SPs

It can be both. It likely is if it reaches that point when a guy won't leave an ex alone. He's almost certainly dealing with some mental health issue which has led to him committing criminal acts.

 

[Male4Strapon]

Teacher killed in Sask. murder-suicide was leaving abusive husband, family says

Warning: This story contains disturbing details Della Duquette will never forget her younger sister's dying words: "Go! Sis, it's OK, I'm going to die." It was an order for Duquette to run for her life, she said, as her sister's estranged husband pointed a rifle at them Monday afternoon in a...

ca.yahoo.com

Awful. No amount of reasoning is going to help that as he was already abusive and on the one hand I am glad that scumbag is dead, it also infuriates me more because if he was going to off himself anyway then why kill her too. It shows how controlling he was that he decided she couldn't live if he couldn't.

My hope is that the guys who aren't abusive but just cannot get over an ended relationship can see what their actions are doing before it spirals out of control.

 

[TimeOutCalled]

Both. Obsessive stalking or worse is criminal behaviour. It's generally based in some form of mental instability.

But you know what, when your mental illness makes you a risk to others ... just do the world a favour and cull the herd. Jump from a bridge, take an overdose or blow your own brains out. If your self prescribed therapy is scaring the living shit out of someone else or offing your wife and kids ... fuck you. Take one for the team and just die.

So, is it mental health of criminal? Maybe it is time to recognize it as a mental health and provide support the same way we do for depression, alcoholism, gambling, etc. Unfortunately, the only available cure now is the one provided by our lovely SPs

 

[Robert Mugabe]

Playing the devil's advocate here for a minute. Women have different rules about dumping and being dumped. Women tend to dump like flipping a switch. After which there is no discussion or explanation required. Except to get into a huddle with their support group. ( of supportive girlfriends). Their response to any protest or questioning on the why or the wherefore is " I don't want to talk about it" End of discussion.
Men have a greater problem extricating themselves from involvements. The kind of clingy obsessiveness that is so alien to women when they are doing the dumping is fair game when they are being dumped. Having run into a couple of "bunny boilers" in my time, I found that trying to do the decent thing and sit down for a face to face, gentlemanly break up, just isn't in the rule book for them. Easier to text your goodbyes or simply ghost them.
So one rule doesn't fit all. They need special consideration. Men are disposable as tampons.