Understanding SO's

[Jabba]

I can speak only for myself, but I'm pretty sure if my SO discovered my little diversion/hobby - she would happily roast my nuts over an open fire while singing Christmas carols. Not too surprising?
Have any of you folks had your SO discover your secret, wandering eye only to encourage it, maybe join-in, busted your chops, divorce & take your friggin' life away?
I've seen shows on late-TV that describe alternate lifestyles, swinging, etc. I don't think my SO would EVER consider that stuff. I might, but it looks a little stupid.
What are your thoughts?

 

[mav256]

My gf caught me looking at TERB and threatened me within an inch of my dick! My ex-wife almost caught me but I deleted all of my posts and that id before she ready any of my reviews. I guess it wouldn't have mattered since we got divorced anyway, lol!

 

[TheIronLady]

I can speak only for myself, but I'm pretty sure if my SO discovered my little diversion/hobby - she would happily roast my nuts over an open fire while singing Christmas carols. Not too surprising?
Have any of you folks had your SO discover your secret, wandering eye only to encourage it, maybe join-in, busted your chops, divorce & take your friggin' life away?
I've seen shows on late-TV that describe alternate lifestyles, swinging, etc. I don't think my SO would EVER consider that stuff. I might, but it looks a little stupid.
What are your thoughts?

You would be surprised at how many couples don't experiment more because there are afraid of what the other will think if they like a little kink.
I have talked to so many women and they sit around and wont say anything until one of the other woman says "Oh I tried that and it was fun" it is like they need to get some sort of social permission to explore sex.

There are lots of ways to bring up the idea of swinging but you gotta go slowly. Tell her about your little fantasies first and encourage her to share hers. You may not get anything at first. You know her so start where you feel comfortable and she is not going to look at you like this is coming way off from left field. Remember once the words are spoken they can not be retracted so tread lightly....

 

[JoyfulC]

Being both a wife of more than two decades and an SP who deals with mostly mature married men, I've come to the conclusion that many wives have the attitude that what they don't know won't hurt you.

In other words, be discreet. If you're going to play around, then it's your responsibility to keep it a secret and take it to your grave.

From what I've heard, many wives aren't all that interested in being "put out" with some of their husband's interests, and others perhaps understand that variety is the spice of life. BUT they don't want to have to bear the burden of what their husbands choose to do. They don't want it rubbed in their face. They want to be treated well and appropriate to their position as wife/SO. They don't want their husband's dalliances to cause them even so much grief as that they might be forced to acknowledge it.

If your wife or SO is finding out about your involvement in this, then it's one of two situations: either you're being indiscreet; or she's aggressively checking up on you. Both are signs of trouble in a relationship.

..c..

 

[Svend]

If your wife or SO is finding out about your involvement in this, then it's one of two situations: either you're being indiscreet; or she's aggressively checking up on you. Both are signs of trouble in a relationship.

The signs of trouble started earlier when he pondered being unfaithful, perhaps it's more fair that both know where they stand?
Each situation is different, however.

 

[JoyfulC]

Depends.

For one thing, what exactly is "unfaithful"?

If you're a man whose eye is wandering, even though you have a willing and attractive and accomodating wife at home, then perhaps you're being unfaithful.

But what about the woman who decides that she's no longer interested in sex and it's over in the relationship -- unilaterally. Is that unfaithful?

What about the woman who lets herself go and makes no effort, whatsoever, to be attractive or accommodating? Is that unfaithful?

There are many forms of infidelity. The one we always hear about is the partner who strays -- but we never discuss the reasons why a partner strays. As a long-time married person, I don't think it's faithful to a partner to unilaterally decide to reject sex on a regular basis or to decide that sexual attractiveness is no longer a priority in the relationship. Not for a man or a woman!

Sexual fidelity is a complex issue -- you can't reduce it to the point where someone has sex outside the marriage. Often the problems begin long before that.

..c..

 

[oldphart]

Depends.

For one thing, what exactly is "unfaithful"?

If you're a man whose eye is wandering, even though you have a willing and attractive and accomodating wife at home, then perhaps you're being unfaithful.

But what about the woman who decides that she's no longer interested in sex and it's over in the relationship -- unilaterally. Is that unfaithful?

What about the woman who lets herself go and makes no effort, whatsoever, to be attractive or accommodating? Is that unfaithful?

There are many forms of infidelity. The one we always hear about is the partner who strays -- but we never discuss the reasons why a partner strays. As a long-time married person, I don't think it's faithful to a partner to unilaterally decide to reject sex on a regular basis or to decide that sexual attractiveness is no longer a priority in the relationship. Not for a man or a woman!

Sexual fidelity is a complex issue -- you can't reduce it to the point where someone has sex outside the marriage. Often the problems begin long before that.

..c..

You are so politically incorrect! I'm falling in love with you

 

[rofobo]

That's one thing I can never agree with. Cheating on your partner. I don't care about the moral implications so much as the idea that you are putting someone else's health at risk without thier knowledge. No matter how careful you are the risks are there. You have made a concious choice to accept those risks, they haven't. Putting another persons health at risk that way is about as low as you can get.

 

[FalconHawk]

It is too bad that North American society is so uptight and people have to "cheat" or be called "sick" if they like some kink in their life. I have been lucky in knowing some open minded women who were very comfortable with exploring different situations, but such a breed is rare. Personally I have a policy of disclosing my proclivities early in the relationship. If she can't handle it that is her perogative. But she should know and I feel GREAT for giving complete disclosure.

 

[trichome]

Joyful C, thank you for your thoughts. You are wise and wonderful. I wish that everyone had your insight.

 

[JoyfulC]

That's one thing I can never agree with. Cheating on your partner. I don't care about the moral implications so much as the idea that you are putting someone else's health at risk without thier knowledge. No matter how careful you are the risks are there. You have made a concious choice to accept those risks, they haven't. Putting another persons health at risk that way is about as low as you can get.

You make the assumption that a partner's health would be at risk if someone had sex with another. That's not necessarily the case. If a couple is no longer having sex and hasn't for a while, then there is no health risk to the partner. I know so many people in this situation -- and we're not talking octagenarians! Many of these people are in their 40s, some even in their 30s. As someone said here, the things I say aren't politically correct -- we are conditioned to believe that love and lust last as long as partnerships. But the truth is, they often don't! And even still, the partnerships might be worthwhile overall.

And what about the mental and physical health risks of denying a partner any outlet for sexual expression? Isn't that as bad or worse than most STDs, many of which are inconsequential and/or easily cured? Imagine being told or led to believe that, as of today, you will never have sex again. What would that do to your overall health?

This much I've learned from more than three decades in the business:

1) Many men remain sexual and need/crave sex throughout their lives.

2) Many women lose desire for sex after childbearing years, BUT their sexuality can progress and even evolve IF they remain committed to being sexual.

I've come to believe that many women let their men down while expecting their men never to let them down. It's not always the case, but too often, it is. You can't expect sexual monogamy if you are not willing to be an active, attractive and engaging sexual partner for the entire time that you expect monogamy. The urge for sex is like hunger -- for those who feel it, it is torment until it is satisfied.

What? Would you have life partners walk away from homes, families, community identities and such over a lack of sex? Especially when it's so easy and discreet to satisfy that desire and go right back to the partnership that fails to satisfy in that area.

Or perhaps you'd rather that people live in deprivation and suffering for half their lifetimes over an arbitrary and inconsiderate decision on the part of their partners.

The funny thing is that, the one thing that people I've met seem to crave the most is a kiss. A passionate, affectionate, skin-to-skin kiss. Not kinky sex. Not sleaze. Just a sexy, sensuous kiss. One wonders what would make them have to leave home to get that!!

..c..

 

[Svend]

Very true Joyful C., all your "what ifs" should be considered. But what about the large numbers who have accomodating wives?

If you're a man whose eye is wandering, even though you have a willing and attractive and accomodating wife at home, then perhaps you're being unfaithful.

What do you mean "perhaps"?
Perhaps you hear only from one side of the story, after a few decades you're bound to believe they are in the majority. How many wives have you discussed these problems with?

 

[JoyfulC]

Actually, Svend, as a 48-year-old woman, I've had a pretty good chance to discuss things from the other side with wives.

It is my conclusion that women tend to unilaterally give up on sex more often than men do. I'm not saying that it doesn't happen the other way around, only that I think it's more common that a wife, consciously or unconsciously, decides that sex is no longer important or desirable, than a husband does.

And I'm not for a minute saying that I don't understand that. Women and men are different. Women are judged sexually, up one side and down the other! We're damned if we do; damned if we don't. Most women walk a fine sexual lline, and that can get tiresome. No wonder so many women put it behind them once they have what they need out of it -- a family and a secure relationship.

I just know for a fact that there are a lot of women my age who would be secretly delighted if their husbands found a discreet and non-threatening outlet for sex that didn't involve their having to put out. I'm sorry to say it because I truly believe that women can access a mature sexuality beyond what they ever knew in their youth -- if they want to.

And I don't think your perception that I'm only hearing one side of it is all that legit. I don't tolerate customers who speak poorly of their wives because I figure, if they can't even respect their own wives, what can I expect of them??? On the contrary, the men I see would throw me over in a hot minute if their wives would invite them back between their legs. The sad truth is that most men would far and away rather make love to their wives -- at any age, at any weight, at any body style -- than to go outside their relationships. The secret many escorts know is that most men would rather be at home, enjoying themselves with their own life partners.

And most women who want to keep their husbands from straying need only to be a willing, enthusiastic companion to him on life's sexual adventure.

..c..

 

[Svend]

Good response, I like those observations.

 

[Jabba]

Thoughtful thoughts!

Actually, Svend, as a 48-year-old woman, I've had a pretty good chance to discuss things from the other side with wives.

It is my conclusion that women tend to unilaterally give up on sex more often than men do. I'm not saying that it doesn't happen the other way around, only that I think it's more common that a wife, consciously or unconsciously, decides that sex is no longer important or desirable, than a husband does.

And I'm not for a minute saying that I don't understand that. Women and men are different. Women are judged sexually, up one side and down the other! We're damned if we do; damned if we don't. Most women walk a fine sexual lline, and that can get tiresome. No wonder so many women put it behind them once they have what they need out of it -- a family and a secure relationship.

I just know for a fact that there are a lot of women my age who would be secretly delighted if their husbands found a discreet and non-threatening outlet for sex that didn't involve their having to put out. I'm sorry to say it because I truly believe that women can access a mature sexuality beyond what they ever knew in their youth -- if they want to.

And I don't think your perception that I'm only hearing one side of it is all that legit. I don't tolerate customers who speak poorly of their wives because I figure, if they can't even respect their own wives, what can I expect of them??? On the contrary, the men I see would throw me over in a hot minute if their wives would invite them back between their legs. The sad truth is that most men would far and away rather make love to their wives -- at any age, at any weight, at any body style -- than to go outside their relationships. The secret many escorts know is that most men would rather be at home, enjoying themselves with their own life partners.

And most women who want to keep their husbands from straying need only to be a willing, enthusiastic companion to him on life's sexual adventure.

..c..

Joy - thanks so much for putting into words the many conflicting thoughts & feelings I've had about my own situation. I suppose I should ask my wife if she wants to continue to have sex or rather I find a convenient partner...or maybe I should just keep it discrete (I like my nuts where they are thank you).

Maybe a very personal question, but does your husband indulge?

 

[antlerman]

That is personal......

I have this feeling that "C" is well aware of what men need that her SO is well looked after.....her way......lucky guy......

 

[JoyfulC]

Maybe a very personal question, but does your husband indulge?

Oh boy! That's an interesting question!! Because my husband has had a lot of women throwing themselves at him over the years.

Initially, I stood back and told him to go for it -- after all, I'm enjoying the attentions of other men. But regrettably that proved problematic. I don't mind when they come over and fuck my husband or flounce around the pool half naked, but when they drink my scotch and eat up all the good leftovers in my fridge, well! That's just going *too* far! ;-)

We did have a situation with one woman that strained my good nature -- and since then, I've laid down a new law: he can do whatever he wants, but all I ask is that he do it the same way my clients do -- in such a way that I will never be aware of it and won't have to be bothered with it.

Honestly, although most would never admit it, that's what every wife really wants. R-E-S-P-E-C-T

..c..

 

[OnTheWayOut]

keep thinking I should stay outta this thread .....

but my situation is kind of reversed ..... dunno if somehow this will help anyone but it might do me a bit o good to vent my spleen.

I'm the one who does not want sex with my SO, she still wants it. Fact is we met in an unconventional way (on the net, surprise!) and came to care about each other intellectually and emotionally b4 physical. To be honest neither of us would have been attracted to each other on looks alone, it was what was upstairs that grabbed us.

When we meet in person of course we jumped each other and it was new and fun but I could tell that it wasn't gonna last. She had limited partners while I had many and her inexperience was a problem. Usually that wouldn't be a prob but being not a young pup she was worse than inexperienced, she was also not very trainable. B4 we hooked up in a more permanent manner we talked about it and I told her that I was at a point in my life that the sex wasn't that important ... OK, I lied knowing I was gonna go elsewhere ... that made it unimportant as far as sex with her is concerned .... was it only a white lie then?

Problem is, she thinks our sex together is amazing ..... I beg to differ and finally had to play the ole "can't get it up routine" to get out of doing the act with her. I am a crud, I know, but sex with her is extremely distasteful to me ..... so much so that I haven't touched her for years. Seriously .... I even told her to find a BF as I wasn't able to help her.

I know she suspects that I am gettin it elsewhere ... but besides sex we have a pretty decent relationship. I treat her with respect and kindness in ways she has never known b4. I just don't fuck her. Yes, that causes strain and it could ultimately break us up (if she doesn't catch me first) ...... and to be honest I'm not so sure I'd mind that. Maybe I'm not cut out to be with one woman 4ever .....

Whatever ..... just figured you all could use a different perspective on the same ole problem .............. file this under more useless slurp drivel.

 

[twizzler2]

good comments slurp

I don't think it's useless at all.

Relationships and the reasons we form bonds with people are complex. There are a host of ways to people can be attracted to each other. Think about friendships for instance; most of us have friendships with a variety of people how have different qualities we enjoy in them. With some it may be a love of sports, others music, others food, or maybe a shared experience like going to university together, or even a personality type. The point is, we have all of those different friends because it's almost impossible to find the variety of things we need as an individual in one person.

When it comes to our significant other's we try to find someone that has a variety of things that are suited to us. In fact society would have us believe that we are settling for second best if we don't find all of them. The reality is that it doesn't work that way. Hopefully we make a commitment to someone that we enjoy being with for the long term and having breakfast with every morning but it's kind of silly to think that this one person is going to fulfill of your needs as a person. She just isn't the person you went to university with and never will be. She may have a kind and caring personality but from time to time we just want to cut loose and drink some beer with that outgoing loud friend who always gets kicked out of bars. Just for the entertainment value. Is it fair to expect your SO to be that person when you need it ? Of course not.

Sex is just one of those elements in a relationship. It's an important one, I don't think we can be healthy whole human beings without it. So if that element is missing in the relationship does it make sense to throw out everything else that's good just because that piece doesn't work ? Wouldn't that be like breaking up with your SO because she never gets drunk and swears at the TV during a hockey game ? All those other elements are pretty tough to find in someone else. That fact is that sex is probably the easiest single thing to substitute. We've all grown up believing that sex is a sacred thing and that we shouldn't even want it with someone other that our SO. We all know from our own experience in life that this just isn't the case.

These notions became part of the moral fabric of our society by way of religion and whether or not you subscribe to any particular faith, those messages have been there our entire lives. It's tough to shake the implications that has on our day to day thinking.

My advice is Drink a beer and swear at the TV or listen to some good music and sip some yellow tail, whatever kind of mood you're in.

Twiz

 

[rofobo]

If you want an active sex life and your partner won't provide it get a divorce. It's an acceptable thing to do these days. Yes, if there are children it can complicate matters, but I can tell you from personal experience that it's better to have two healthy, happy parents apart than two miserable ones together. I'd venture to say that even women with decreased sexual appetites would take a pretty dim view of their significant others stepping out on them with someone else. It's as much an emotional as a physical betrayal. And most men that step out on their wives are just born skirt chasers to begin with. You could pair them up with Angelina Jolie and they'd still stray. Case in point Charlie Sheen who can't keep it in his pants even with an incredibly hot wife like Denise Richards.

So, if there is even a remote chance that you are still going to be intimate with your wife or SO, and they haven't signed off on your extra carricular activity, keep it in your pants. Otherwise, if you bring something home and give it to them you are absolute scum. Not only that but you're a chickenS#@t coward.