Throwing Away Relationships

[drlove]

Update: During the spring I met a really nice civilian lady. Long story short, we hit it off, went out on our first date and all indications were that it was a go. Then for some reason, I backed off completely. My reasons were: too busy with work, got too much enjoyment seeing SPs, didn't want to put in the effort, didn't want to spend money on dates without an immediate ROI, and, even though relationships can be great, I was afraid of becoming trapped in one.

Anyway, recently I began having second thoughts and re-established communication with her. She said she was wondering why she never heard from me. She said she liked me, wanted to start a relationship, but of course we never followed through on our dating for the reasons I mentioned above. So, now she's seeing someone else - too late. Now, I'm beginning to wonder what the hell's wrong with me. Some guys can't establish a rapport with a woman for the life of them, and here I am throwing opportunities like this away, and the odd thing is, I liked her. That's fucked up.

 

[The Bandit]

You should have placed the SP seeing on pause, and ventured into the relationship. Obviously you were only thinking with your little head!!!!

 

[Aardvark154]

Update: During the spring I met a really nice civilian lady. Long story short, we hit it off, went out on our first date and all indications were that it was a go. Then for some reason, I backed off completely. My reasons were: too busy with work, got too much enjoyment seeing SPs, didn't want to put in the effort, didn't want to spend money on dates without an immediate ROI, and, even though relationships can be great, I was afraid of becoming trapped in one.

Anyway, recently I began having second thoughts and re-established communication with her. She said she was wondering why she never heard from me. She said she liked me, wanted to start a relationship, but of course we never followed through on our dating for the reasons I mentioned above. So, now she's seeing someone else - too late. Now, I'm beginning to wonder what the hell's wrong with me. Some guys can't establish a rapport with a woman for the life of them, and here I am throwing opportunities like this away, and the odd thing is, I liked her. That's fucked up.

If you believe that this is a pattern of behaviour for you, may I suggest that the time and money would be well spent with counseling to get at the underlying cause. Posting here on TERB is good principally for the catharsis of "talking it out" but wont resolve the problem.

 

[capncrunch]

Welcome to the club, my friend. This has happened to me too. Thing is, though, that so many women when they start to get involved in a relationship immediately assume that suddenly they are the #1 priority in your life.

And that just ain't so. We've got careers, possibly kids from previous relationships and all the rest that makes up a life. A woman shouldn''t expect you to pretty much drop everything and make her the be-all and end-all in your life... though, sadly, many do expect that. That's what makes us feel trapped and a bit out of control, and who wants that?

Best thing you can do is learn from this experience, I suppose, so you're better prepared for the next one. I have lessons to learn in this area as well, we all do I guess.

 

[shack]

Update: During the spring I met a really nice civilian lady. Long story short, we hit it off, went out on our first date and all indications were that it was a go. Then for some reason, I backed off completely. My reasons were: too busy with work, got too much enjoyment seeing SPs, didn't want to put in the effort, didn't want to spend money on dates without an immediate ROI, and, even though relationships can be great, I was afraid of becoming trapped in one.

If she was so fantastic then these reasons wouldn't have stopped you from pursuing her. You obviously had reservations. Hindsight is 100% and even now you don't know if she's the right one for you. We all second guess some decisions here and there.

Your last sentence makes is appear that you are well aware of what happens with relationships. Build, build, build, excitement, euphoria, happiness, contentment, complacency, boredom, tension, arguments, get me outta here. The only question mark is the time frame it takes for this to happen.

I admit I'm such a cynic when it comes to relationships. A few work out well for the long term but most have as much chance as lucking into a good CL incall encounter.

 

[drlove]

If she was so fantastic then these reasons wouldn't have stopped you from pursuing her. You obviously had reservations....

Your last sentence makes is appear that you are well aware of what happens with relationships. Build, build, build, excitement, euphoria, happiness, contentment, complacency, boredom, tension, arguments, get me outta here. The only question mark is the time frame it takes for this to happen.

1) That's true. I like the idea of being in a relationship and having someone care about me, yet I just don't have the time to put into it to maintain it. I've gotten accustomed to the status quo, and while a relationship on some levels would be nice, I'd have to change my routines etc.. and there would be some upheaval with introducing someone new into my life.

2) The other part of it is, I've gotten so used to seeing SPs (being spontaneous, seeing different ladies all the time etc..) I think that over time, I would become bored. That's a problem because the temptation to see an SP would always be there. Personally, I wouldn't have the heart to "cheat" on the woman I'm dating. However, sometimes if I wonder if I would be able to control my urges, and that scares me. Even if I did it and the gf didn't find out about it, I'd know.

3) I want a real relationship without the hassles, which of course doesn't exist. So, now I'm back to square one yet again.

 

[Powershot]

I have a similar attitude towards relationships and the ease of SP's etc, but when I think of myself being old as dirt and in the same pattern? I cringe.

 

[timy]

Welcome to the club, my friend. This has happened to me too. Thing is, though, that so many women when they start to get involved in a relationship immediately assume that suddenly they are the #1 priority in your life.

And that just ain't so. We've got careers, possibly kids from previous relationships and all the rest that makes up a life. A woman shouldn''t expect you to pretty much drop everything and make her the be-all and end-all in your life... though, sadly, many do expect that. That's what makes us feel trapped and a bit out of control, and who wants that?

Best thing you can do is learn from this experience, I suppose, so you're better prepared for the next one. I have lessons to learn in this area as well, we all do I guess.

not all women expect a man to drop things for them, women are more independent in what they want and who they want and wont sweat if a guy dont want them anymore they move on, lol this is not the 60 guy, women has changed if anything most men are the puppies.

 

[capncrunch]

not all women expect a man to drop things for them, women are more independent in what they want and who they want and wont sweat if a guy dont want them anymore they move on, lol this is not the 60 guy, women has changed if anything most men are the puppies.

Well, all I can tell you is that this isn't my experience. Sure, women like to be independent and all the rest - and that makes sense - but in my experience many (not all) expect the relationship to be the #1 priority in their man's life, and if a guy's got a career and the rest of the domestic scene, the relationship seldom takes top spot.

 

[Miss Maya Blue]

~

this post reminds me of a book i have been reading. honestly, this book has turned my world upside down. but before you laugh or judge the new age title....give it a read. it talks a lot about men and womens needs, and the behaviors when courting the opposite sex.

its "Venus and Mars on a Date"....of the infamous Venus and Mars series. i always dismissed these books based on their lame title...but honestly, no book has taught me more about men and women and relating. what you are describing (a mans need to retreat, even when he likes a woman) is described in the book....

 

[drlove]

what you are describing (a mans need to retreat, even when he likes a woman) is described in the book....

Ok... could you expand on this point a bit?? (I don't have the book). At the heart of it, this makes no sense. E.g. I want a relationship (or at least I think I do), I like the lady in question, so why am I pushing her away?? I seem to do that a lot with women. Is it me subconciously rejecting her before she has a chance to reject me (power/control issues)?? Is it that I'm trying to deny myself of what I desire on purpose so I won't get it?? Am I seeking "revenge" on her??... on women in general??... On myself??... Isn't this self destructive behavior??

 

[shack]

3) I want a real relationship without the hassles, which of course doesn't exist. So, now I'm back to square one yet again.

When you're alone you wish you had somebody. When you're in a relationship you'd like to have more freedom.

Or in other words, "the grass is always greener...."

Unencumbered is easier. Not perfect, but easier.

 

[Miss Maya Blue]

~

as much as it "makes no sense" this book claims that most men pull away, even when things are going well, or at least feel the need to do it (and choose not to, or learn to communicate when they need space, so a woman is not left hanging)

to explain why, would take chapters. go git the book. you may thank me later its juicy stuff.

btw..i got the title wrong.
its "Mars and Venus on a Date", by John Gray. It was first published in 1997. There are often copies to be found in second hand stores, in the self help section, or online on sites that sell second hand books.

 

[descartes]

Update: During the spring I met a really nice civilian lady. Long story short, we hit it off, went out on our first date and all indications were that it was a go. Then for some reason, I backed off completely. My reasons were: too busy with work, got too much enjoyment seeing SPs, didn't want to put in the effort, didn't want to spend money on dates without an immediate ROI, and, even though relationships can be great, I was afraid of becoming trapped in one.

Anyway, recently I began having second thoughts and re-established communication with her. She said she was wondering why she never heard from me. She said she liked me, wanted to start a relationship, but of course we never followed through on our dating for the reasons I mentioned above. So, now she's seeing someone else - too late. Now, I'm beginning to wonder what the hell's wrong with me. Some guys can't establish a rapport with a woman for the life of them, and here I am throwing opportunities like this away, and the odd thing is, I liked her. That's fucked up.

There's nothing wrong with you.

Pithy Cliche Warning: Proceed with Caution

When you meet the right one, you'll know it. And the fact that you have had such opportunities means that when you meet her, you will know that she is different... and such "compromises" won't be such a big deal... putting in the effort, not getting laid right off the bat and giving up some of your freedom won't even register. Furthermore, SHE will find YOU and probably blindside you like a mack truck --- so don't go looking. You may actually be delaying the inevitable.

The civilian girl you mentioned just wasn't the one and you're feeling lonely right now. That's human (and a good sign). You've done nothing wrong, except you shouldn't have led her on AND you definitely shouldn't have called her back at this time. There are too many fish in the sea (after all, she found one), and no need to re-open old wounds.

More to follow.... but I'm a little hungover at the moment

 

[frankcastle]

Sounds like you have things mixed up.

Hobbying and returns on investment are different from relatiohships.

If all you want is sex then hobbying is the way to go since sex comes and goes during the course of a relationship.

Honestly your explanation sounds like rationalizations. From my own experience I'd say yes I have put work first at some point but lately I've been seeing a civilian and I now try my best to leave work in the office. Think about this..... if you die tomorrow your job will be filled pretty quickly so don't live for work.

As for not wanting to put in any effort.... hate to break it to ya but everything worth having takes some effort. Yes that's cliche but it's always easier to never take risks or do a thing but where does that get you?

As for feeling trapped.... well is it really a trap if you choose it? I dunno about you guys but it is nice be able to talk to people about who you are seeing (rather than having to hide it because you paid for her). And really no matter what choice you make you are trapped in some way. For example, you choose the hobby over a girl well then you are trapped in a world of thrills by the hour and when the money runs out or you take a look at what you have to show for it afterwards it's pretty depressing.

It's quite obvious that I've chosen the relationship over the hobby so you have to take that into consideration. I mean it all comes back to the original question.... what are you looking for?

Sex or relationship.

Anyways, best of luck in whatever you choose.

Sorry for the pro relationship tirade it's more of a reflection of where my head is at. I hobbied heavily for about 8 or 9 years and so I was ready to get into dating. I fully acknowledge that for others this is not the case.

 

[Insidious Von]

Hobbying can cause problems.

In the past year I've obtained the phone numbers of a number of attractive women yet never call them. It's as if I'm getting a rush from the act of asking with the acceptance/rejection being irrelevant. I started hobbying when I hit a dry patch, now I find I can give it up any time I want.

If I want to.

 

[LordLoki]

as much as it "makes no sense" this book claims that most men pull away, even when things are going well, or at least feel the need to do it (and choose not to, or learn to communicate when they need space, so a woman is not left hanging)

to explain why, would take chapters. go git the book. you may thank me later its juicy stuff.

btw..i got the title wrong.
its "Mars and Venus on a Date", by John Gray. It was first published in 1997. There are often copies to be found in second hand stores, in the self help section, or online on sites that sell second hand books.

In 70s it was called "The Peter Pan Syndrome" and was part of most masters level psych courses. Run away! Run Away!

 

[Smash]

Thing is, though, that so many women when they start to get involved in a relationship immediately assume that suddenly they are the #1 priority in your life.
A woman shouldn''t expect you to pretty much drop everything and make her the be-all and end-all in your life..

I think the opposite. If I meet a quality women that I like allot I will make her #1 in my life. You can always make money if your ambitious so I wouldnt put a career before my women if I love her. As for the kids from another relationship yes, they would be job#1 but #2should be your women.

Life sucks when you have to spend It alone and regret the one that got away.

If she's a good women treat her right..........Please

 

[Papi Chulo]

Just remember, in the long run, it is probably a lot cheaper to keep doing what you are doing (hobbying)

You can't buy love, but you can rent first class affection

 

[Keebler Elf]

Just remember, in the long run, it is probably a lot cheaper to keep doing what you are doing (hobbying)

Only if you can't or won't put a price on emotional happiness.

When you're 60 and alone, you'll understand what I mean.