The official joke thread

[Gilbey]

Hunch Back

A cathedral posts a "Help Wanted: Bell Ringer" sign in
front of the church. Soon, a man comes to the door of the
church. Having no arms, he bangs his head against the
door to affect a knock. When the priest answers, he asks,
"How can I help you young man?"

"Yes, I've come for the bell-ringer position," the man
replies.

The priest looks down at the man's body. Seeing that the
man has no arms, the priest isn't about to let him have the
job, however, before he can say anything, the
enthusiastic man rushes past him and runs up the steps
of the belltower. The priest runs after him, not knowing
what the man is up to. As he is reaching the top of the
stairs, to his horror, he sees the armless man jumping
face-first into the bell. "DONG!!!!" goes the bell. The
priest is overwhelmed by this display. "My son, please..."
he starts, but to no avail, as the man is already jumping
again. "DONG!!!" "Please stop this, my son!" yells the
priest, but the man is on the other side of the bell from
him. The man starts to run towards the bell again and this
time,
the priest tries to stop him, but just at the last second, the
armless man dodges to the side, trips, and falls out the
window of the bell tower.

Horrified, the priest runs downstairs and outside only to
find a crowd of people clustered around the body of the
armless man. "Who is this?" asks a member of the
crowd, turning to the priest.

"I don't know," the priest responds, "but his face sure
rings a bell."

A few weeks later, the priest is sitting in his office
contemplating the service for the upcoming mass when
he hears a knock at the door. Upon opening it he sees
another armless man who looks remarkably like the
unfortunate soul who had visited him prior. "Can I help
you?" asks the priest.

"Yes," responds the man, "I have come to pay respects
to my dead brother. He was here a few weeks ago and
tragically died in an accident." "Oh yes, I am very sorry for
that incident," says the priest. "Would you like to come in
and light a candle for him?"

"No, no. I just want to ring the bell for him."

"Wait...." the priest hollers, feeling like he's in a bad
dream he has had before. The armless man is running up
the stairs before the priest can do anything. Again, the
man jumps face-first into the bell. "DONG!!!!!" The
hysterical priest is now running about frantically trying to
tackle the fanatic bell-ringer. Just as he is about to catch
him, the armless man hurls himself out of the bell-tower
window to his death.

Upon reaching the street below, the priest is again met
with a crowd of people looking over the dead body. "Who
is this?" inquires one of the people crowded around.

"I don't know," replies the priest, "but he sure is a dead
ringer for his brother."

 

[Gilbey]

Fairy Princess

a newly liscenced fairy princess was walking on the road
and came upon a crying frog, she inquired and the frog
said, " look I'm all yellow and the other frogs make fun of
me cause they are all green, can you help me, ?" the
pricess said well let me try she waves her wand
..abracadabra..poof , the frog was turned green but was
still crying and louder, oh no oh no , now my peis is still
yellow , turn me back ," the princes says "I dont know
how, " " who can help me ?"
the princess said , maybe the wizard of OZ can help. , the
frog ran away....
later she came upon a pink elephant crying. "oh woa is
me, I'm pink instead of grey, all the other elephants laugh
at me..." the princess said let me see if I can change that.
abradababra POOF !! the elephant was grey except for
his penis, still pink.. the elephant cried... "OH No turn me
back.." "I cant " said the princess, I dont know how.. the
elephant cried again , well how am I gonna get this pink
penis go grey like the rset of me..?" the princess said . "
Maybe the wizard of OZ can help..." the elephant said,
the wizard of oz, how do I find the wizard of oz??? the
princess said uhm let me see. oh yah
"Follow the yellow prick toad"


-------------------------------------------

hanks to all the people who sent these in to me to post , you can post them yourselves if you like, but its ok

keep them coming .....

 

[Gilbey]

For The Art Lovers

Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing
several paintings from the Louvre. However, after
planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he
was captured only 2 blocks away when his Econoline ran
out of petrol. When asked how he could mastermind such a
crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied:
"I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

 

[geronimowh]

Little Johnny

A teacher asks her class, “If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?” She calls on little Johnny.
He replies, “None, they will all fly away with the first gun shot.”
The teacher replies, “The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.”
Then little Johnny says “I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple
scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?”
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, “Well, I suppose the one that’s gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.”
To which Little Johnny replied, “The correct answer is ‘the one with the wedding ring on’, but I like your thinking.”

 

[lasslicker]

A new Rooster arives in the henhouse, and upon seeking the old rooster, tells him "Yer outta here!"

The old boy postures a bit, and says he can take care of the hens as well as ever, and suggests they have a race around the farm so he can show his strength.

The new buck says "Sure old timer. Hell, I'll even give you a 15 second start.

Off they go. The old rooster is off at top speed, and in the lead as the 2 birds round the corner in front of the farmhouse. All of a sudden a giant explosion rips from the farmers shotgun as he blows the head off the new rooster.

"Damn it Martha", says the farmer.
"That's the third queer rooster we've got in the last month"

 

[lookingforitallthetime]

A lonely widow, aged 70, decided that is was time to get married again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel Chair. He had no arms or legs.

You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?" the widow said. Just look at you. You have no legs!"

The old gentleman smiled, "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!"

You don't have any arms either!" she snorted. Again, the old man smiled, "Therefore, I can never beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, "Are you still good in bed??"

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, "I rang the door Bell, didn't I?"

The wedding is scheduled for Saturday

 

[friendz4evr]

The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer.

"I can arrange some things for you," the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold, your partners will love you, your clients will respect you, you'll have four months of vacation each year, and you'll live to be 100. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls will rot in hell for eternity."

The lawyer thought for a moment. "So, what's the catch?" he asked.

 

[luv4lust]

Code Word For Sex

CODE WORD FOR SEX

A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter.

One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter".

The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.

A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."

The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."

 

[Shades]

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon".

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to..."

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really ?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat".

"Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one everytime. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know!", Mrs. Smith exclaimed.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."

"Oh my god!!", Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.

"She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh ...equipment ?".

"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

"Tripod??", Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam ? Madam?...Good Lord, she's fainted !!"

 

[ang]

a 2002 thread????

 

[Mr. Lucky]

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary.
As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband,
"When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job.

 

[Cycleguy007]

Golf Joke!

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a restaurant having dinner.
Woods turns to Wonder and says, "How's the singing career going"?

Stevie Wonder replies, "Not too bad. How's your golf"?

Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that going right now."

Stevie says, "I always find that when my golf swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."

Tiger says, "You play golf"?

Wonder says, "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years."

Woods says, "But you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?

Wonder replies, "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball toward him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again, I play the ball toward his voice"

But how do you putt"? asks Woods.

"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground, and I just play the ball toward his voice."

Woods asks, "What's your handicap"?

Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."

Woods, incredulous, says, "We've got to play a round sometime."

Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole."

Woods thinks it over and says, "Okay, I'm all for that. When would you like to play"?

Stevie says, "Pick a night."

 

[Val]

more Steven Wright . . .

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"

Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth.
On the back it said, "Wish you were here."

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

"Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes."

My socks DO match. They're the same thickness.

Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards.
I got a full house and four people died.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory.
You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.

How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?

Is "tired old cliche" one?

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. "You didn't borrow this." "I will."

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?

[Referring to a glass of water:]
I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!

I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."

I installed a skylight in my apartment...The people who live above me are furious!

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."

 

[WhaWhaWha]

The Joke


A 65-year-old woman gave birth to a baby boy.

When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit.

''May we see the new baby?" one asked.

"Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we can visit for awhile first."

Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?"

"No, not yet," said the mother.

After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, "May we see the baby now?"

"No, not yet," replied the mother.

Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when can we see the baby?"

"WHEN HE CRIES!" she told them.

"WHEN HE CRIES?" they demanded to know why.

"Why do we have to wait until he CRIES?"

"BECAUSE, I forgot where I put him!"

 

[iprint]

Last week I checked into my hotel in Tampa and was a bit lonely. I thought, I'll call one of those girls you see advertised in phone books like escorts and such. I picked up the phone book and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs..... well, you get the picture!
I figured, what the heck, give her a call.
"Hello," the woman says . God, she sounded sexy.
Afraid I would lose my nerve if I hesitated I rushed right in. "Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything! Now, how does that sound?"
"That sounds fantastic," she says, "but you need to press 9 for an outside line."

 

[Cycleguy007]

The Misunderstanding...

The lesbians next door asked me what I would like for my birthday.

I was quite surprised when they gave me a Rolex.

It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said,
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
..
“I just wanna watch.”

 

[trod]

Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.

Her daughter immediately replied, "Mum! I have someone for you to meet."

Well, it was an immediate hit... They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend away.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.

Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"

She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."

He knew he was not getting lucky that night.

The following night was the same, she stood there wearing the black panties and he was in his birthday suit, but now he was wearing a black condom.

She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"

He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."

 

[kumamake]

the magic penis

A businessman was preparing to go on a long business trip, so he thought

he'd buy his wife some thing to keep her occupied. He went to a sex shop &

explained his situation. The man there said, 'Well, I don't know that I

have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except...

the Magic Penis!'


The husband said, 'The what'?


The man repeated, 'The Magic Penis,' and pulled out what seemed to be an

ordinary dildo.


The husband laughed, and said, 'It looks like a dildo!'


The man then pointed to the door and said, 'Magic Penis, the door!'


The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started

pounding away at the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with vibrations.

Then the man said, 'Magic Penis, return to box!' and the penis stopped &

returned to the box.


The husband bought it and took it home to his wife. After the husband had

been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Magic Penis. She undressed,

opened the box and said 'Magic Penis, my crotch.' The penis shot to her

crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After three mind shattering orgasms,

she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull

it out, but it was stuck. Her husband had neglected to tell her how to
turn

it off.. So she put on her clothes, got in her car and started for the

nearest hospital.


On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the

road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked

for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.


Gasping and twitching, the woman said, 'I haven't had anything to drink

officer. You see, I've got this Magic Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it

won't stop screwing me...'


The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied, 'Yeah

right... Magic Penis, my ass...!'



The rest, as they say, is history...