The official joke thread

[Gilbey]

Little tidbits

What do you call a lamp-post with two sheep tied to it?
A
leisure centre.
====================


Oh and a skeleton walked into a bar and said "Can I have a large beer and
a mop please?
-------------------------

This guy goes to a town in the outback, and asks a man
sitting on his porch, "What do you do around here?"
"Oh we hunt and fuck"
"That's interesting, what do you hunt?"
"Oh, something to fuck


--------------------------------------


-

On the way to preschool, the Doctor had left her
stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it
up and began
playing with it. Be still, my heart, thought the doctor, my
daughter wants to follow in my footsteps! Then the child
spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's.
May I take your order?t"

 

[Gilbey]

steven wright

yah I pulled up to an all night store and I saw a guy
locking the front door, I said , hey your sign says open
24 hours, he said "yah but not in a row "


----------------------------------------------

Hear of the guy with wooden legs and real feet?


--------------------------------

 

[Gilbey]

little grasshopper

a grasshopper walks up to a table in an outdoor patio
, a drunk looks t him and says , hey , you know they
have a drink named after you ??
the grasshopper says , you mean there is a drink
named Ralph ??


--------------------------------------------------


joe is a bus
driver living in Boston. He needs s job, and
finally finds one at Children's Television Workshop,
which produces Sesame Street. They film the shows at
the studios of WGBH, the public television station. The
driver's job is to pick up all the kids in a big school bus
and take them to the studio. He knows where to pick
them up, but not their names. So he goes to the first
stop, and there is a very fat piggy little girl with ringlets in
her hair. She
gets on the bus and introduces herself -- "Hi. My name's
Patty". Then Joe goes to the next stop. There waiting is
another very fat little girl. She gets on and introduces
herself "Hi. My name's Patty, too." At the next stop is a
really cute little boy with neatly combed hair, an Eton
jacket and short pants. When he gets on, he introduces
himself to Joe: "Hi. My name's Ross. There are two
Rosses who ride this bus, but I'm very gifted, so I'm
known as Special Ross." Ross sits down politely, and
Joe goes on. At the next stop he
picks up a very nice looking boy, who introduces
himself. "Hi. I'm Leonard Reese." Leonard goes and sits
down, but instead of just looking out the window, he
does something really disgusting: He removes his
shoes and socks, and starts pulling the skin off the sides
off his feet. Joe, the driver, is so turned off, that he
decides to quit the job. He deposits the kids at WGBH,
then goes back to Children's Television Workshop
headquarters and throws down
his driver's cap. "I quit. I can take a lot of shenanigans
from kids, but I don't want to have to deal with two obese
Patties, Special Ross, Leonard Reese picking bunions
on a Sesame Street bus."

 

[Gilbey]

uppity night club

i went to a night club and tried to get in to see my friends
waiting for me inside. the doorman said, "see the sign ,
shirt and tie to enter. " I said , but my friends are inside
waiting. can I just go in and tell them I will be back.. "No
said the doorman, shirt and tie."
so I went to my car and looked in the trunk, I found a shirt
and put it on... I went back and he still would let me in
without a tie, so I went back and looked again in my
car... I found only the booster cables. I put one around
my neck and went back,,, "Now can I get in please??' he
looked at me and said "OK... but dont try to start
anything"


---------------------------------------------

People it doesnt matter who posts these, I just hapen to have saved these for a while. I dont take credit for these, I didnt write them . So sorry if this thread is stealling someone's thunder. This may be the longest Thread. Now there's a movie title

"The Longest Thread"

 

[Gilbey]

heard a good one

please share your funnies with all of us here .. don't be shy. we all like to luagh




have a great happy hobby hilarious holiday

 

[Gilbey]

Elephant and Camel

The elephant asked the camel:

"Why do you have your breasts on your back?"


The camel, clearly irritated, replies:

"What a silly question from someone who has a dick on his face."

 

[Gilbey]

Snowball Machine I invented

you might find this offensive
http://webhome.idirect.com/~californ/odessa/snowballmachine.gif

 

[Gilbey]

Hallmark Teady bears for fuzzy feeling

http://webhome.idirect.com/~californ/odessa/hallmark.html

 

[Gilbey]

Some Insults for those lost for words

Insults

1.Ahh... I see the fuckup fairy has visited us again.

2.The fact that no one understands you doesn't make
you an artist.

3.I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet its
hard to pronounce.

4.Any connection between your reality and mine is
purely coincidental.

5.I have plenty of talent and vision- I just don't give a
damn.

6.I like you. You remind me of when I was young and
stupid.

7.What am I? Flypaper for freaks?!

8.I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.


9.I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your
mouth.

10.Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by
your unique point of view.

11.I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

12.Its a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to
burn off.

13.No, my powers can only be used for good.

14.How about never? Is never good for you?

15.I'm really easy to get along with once you people
learn to worship me.

16.You sound reasonable... time to up my medication.

17.I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

18.I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a
message...

19.I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

20.Who me? I just wander from room to room.

21.My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my
toys!

22.It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the
cellular level I'm really quite busy.

23.At least I have a positive attitude about my
destructive habits.

24.You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

25.I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate
yourself in public.

26.Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously
and change the subject.
------------------------------------------------------------------

Does anyone have any other insluts to add , ??

 

[twisted troll]

An 80 year old man went to Hollywood to pick up a prostitute and get some action.
He noticed one hooker in particular and started flirting with her.
The prostitute started becoming annoyed and said,
"Get lost old man! You're ruining business!"
"Sure would like to get some action tonight," said the old man.
"You've got to be kidding! You're too old! You're all finished."
"What did you say?" asked the old man.
"You heard me - you're all finished."
"Oh," replied the old man, "how much do I owe you?"
__________________________________

A woman sends her clothing out to the laundry.
When it comes back there are still stains in her panties.
The next week she encloses a note to the laundry man that says, "Use more soap on panties."
This goes on for several weeks, the woman sending the same note to the laundry. "Use more soap on panties."
Finally fed up the laundry man responded with his own note that said, "Use more paper on ass."

 

[twisted troll]

He said... Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
She said...Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.
She said...Well, you succeeded.

He said... You have a flat chest and need to shave your legs, have you ever been mistaken for a man?
She said...No, have you?

He said... Why do you women always try to impress us with your looks, not with your brains?
She said...Because there is a bigger chance that a man is a moron than he is blind.

He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said...Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

 

[Gilbey]

IF MEN WROTE ADVICE COLUMNS

IF MEN WROTE ADVICE COLUMNS



Q: My husband wants a threesome with my best friend and me.

A: Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you! Knowing that there
is only one of you, he can only settle for the next best thing, your
best friend. Far from being an issue, this can bring you closer
together. Why
not get some of your old collage roommates involved too? If you are
still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friends
without you.
If you're still not sure then just perform oral sex on him and cook him
A nice meal while you think about it.


Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.

A: Do it. Semen can help you lose weight and gives a great glow to your
skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform
oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you.
The best thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a day; then
cook him a nice meal.



Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.

A: This is perfectly natural behavior and it should be encouraged. The
man
is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. A night
out
chasing young single girls is a great stress relief and can foster a
more
peaceful and relaxing home. Remember, nothing can rekindle your
relationship
better than the man being away for a day or two (it's a great time
to clean the house too)! Just look at how emotional and happy he is
when he
returns to his stable home. The best thing to do when he gets home is
for
you and your best friend to perform oral sex on him. Then cook him a
nice
meal.


Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.

A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with
it, do it in your own time or ask your best friend to help. You may wish
to videotape yourself while doing this, and present it to your husband
as a birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral sex on him
and cook him a nice meal.


Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.

A: You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity
training. Foreplay to a man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex
should be available to your husband on demand with no pesky requests for
foreplay. What this means is that you do not love your man as much as
you should; He should never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop
being so selfish! Perhaps you can make it up to him by performing oral
sex on him and cooking him a nice meal.




Q: My husband always has an orgasm then rolls over and goes to sleep
without giving me one.

A: I'm not sure I understand the problem. Perhaps you've forgotten to
cook him a nice meal

 

[Gilbey]

Moses And Jesus

Moses and Jesus were reminiscing about old times.
They got to wondering if they could still do their stuff.
So Moses stepped out to the edge of the sea
and after a bit he parted it.
Jesus, then, stopped off the dock onto the sea
But sank right away.
He tried it again after climbing onto the shore
And again several times morel.
Moses said, ?Why are you having this trouble?
What makes now different than before??
Jesus answered, ?The only thing I can think of
Is that before I didn?t have these holes in my feet.?

 

[Gilbey]

Snow White

Snow white and the seven dwarfs in bed feeling happy,
happy gets out and they all feel grumpy.
-----------------------------------------------


Snow White goes into the woods to pick some berries.
She gets berry juice stains all over her dress and
decides to go back to the little cottage and change.

As she goes into the house, the 7 dwarfs gather around
and Sleepy says, "You know guys.. we have never seen
Snow White naked!" The Dopey says, "Let's peek in her
window". Grumpy replies, "But we can't see in her
bedroom window, it's on the second floor!" At least
Sneezy suggests, "lets all stand on one anothers
shoulders. The top dwarf can look in the window and
whisper what he sees to the dwarf below in and he can
whisper it to the dwarf below him and so on." THey all
nod their head in agreement.

After getting stacked on one anthers shoulder, the top
drawf had a perfect view. He saw Snow White remove
her dress. He whispered: "She's taking off her dress"
"She's taking off her dress"
"She's taking off her dress"
"She's taking off her dress"
"She's taking off her dress"
"She's taking off her dress" It was whispered down the
line.

Then the top dwarf sees Snow White remove her bra.
Excitedly he whipsers: "She's taken off her bra!"
"She's taken off her bra!"
"She's taken off her bra!"
"She's taken off her bra!"
"She's taken off her bra!"
"She's taken off her bra!" is whispered down the line.

Then Snow White begins to remove her panties. The top
dwarf almost falls off as he hurridly whispers, "She's
taking off her panties!!!"
"She's taking off her panties!!!"
"She's taking off her panties!!!"
"She's taking off her panties!!!"
"She's taking off her panties!!!"
"She's taking off her panties!!!" is quickly whispered
from one dwarf to the next.

The bottom dwarf heres a tree branch break in the
woods, fearful of being caught he yells, "SOMEBODIES
COMING!!!!"
"Not Me!"
"Not Me!"
"Not Me!"
"Not Me!"
"Not Me!"
"Not Me!"

 

[Gilbey]

A live performerance joke

here's a great live one, take a kleenex and tear it into tiny
bits, and out them into your hand and close your hand,
then say to your a group of people , did you hear that
there is a crazy fiend running around having sez with all
the chickens in the chicken farm ,,as the people ask
about it, cough into your hand letting all the litle bits fly
out your closed hand ... lotsa laughs

 

[Gilbey]

Missionary Couple

A missionary couple was captured by some decidedly
unfriendly natives,
tied together with a long piece of leather and left
dangling over a large cliff. That evening, the natives
danced and chanted around the campfire and as each
member passed the leather strap holding the
unfortunate missionaries, he gave it a whack with a
stick, causing it to weaken a bit more. As the chanting
grew louder and louder, the husband looked at his wife
romantically and said, "Listen darling. They're fraying our
thong!"

 

[Gilbey]

Doctor in the house?

Doctor, doctor, my brother is mad, he thinks he's an
orange! What do I do?"
"Well bring him in here and I'll have a look at him"
Guy pulls an orange out of his pocket, "No need he is
here!"

-----------------------------------------------

A celebrity visits a lunatic asylum, in the first room is a
guy who thinks he's a plane, another the warden explains
thinks he's Napoleon.
The next cell is padded, and there is a man having it
away with a packet of biscuits.
'What's wrong with him?"
"Don't take any notice, he's just f@#%^ing crackers!"

 

[Gilbey]

more doctor?

A guy goes to the Doctor with constipation. The doctor
asks"What are you eating?"
Oh I have a blue billiard ball for breakfast, and a brown
and a pink one for lunch and a red one and a black one
for tea"
"Ah, you are not getting enough greens!"

-----------------------------------------------

yah Lorena Bobbit is sick of the publicity so she decided
to move to russia and start over, and she changed her
name to Lorena Cutyourcockov

 

[Gilbey]

when Loerna Bobbit did her deed, she went for a drive
with her husbands penis in here hand. after a while on the
highway she decided to get rid of the thing and threw it
out the window while driving.
behind her were two elance moderaters in a car and the
thing hit their windshield, one moderater looks at the
other and says, "boy , did you see the size of the prick on
that fly"



=---------------------------------------------

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[Gilbey]

The Zoo, little boy asks about an elephant, 'Dad what's
that long thing?'
'That's his trunk"
'No,no that other thing'
"That's his tail",
"No, that!"
"Ask your mother" So he did.
His father asked "What did she say"
"She said it was nothing"
"That's the trouble with your mother, she's been spoilt"

-------------------------------------------------
Mahatma Ghandi walked barefoot everywhere, to the
point that his feet became quite thick and hard. He also
was quite a spiritual person. He would often go on hunger
strikes, and became quite thin and frail. Furthermore, due
to his diet, he ended up with very bad breath. He thus
came to be known as a :

"Super callused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis."