The official joke thread

[Gilbey]

"The Looney Bin " - Official Joke Thread

Ok, you asked for a joke thread, here it is. Use this thread to add your jokes, funny stories, sit down comedy, humourous thougts etc.. anything that will put a smile on our face. If you keep adding to it, this will be the longest running thread on terb history.

so go ahead and post. And when you are a bit depressed, come here to cheer yourself up. Yes you can hang out in the Looney Bin for experimental treatment.

 

[Gilbey]

new jokes

An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in
Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy.
After
examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious
natural-history museum.
"I've just discovered a 3,000 year-old mummy of a man
who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist
exclaimed. To which the curator replied, "Bring him
in. We'll check it out."
A week later, the amazed curator called the
archaeologist. "You were right about the mummy's age
and cause of death. How in the world did you know?"
"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that
said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."


---------------------------------------------

1. Andy Rooney on Vegetarians:

"Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning 'lousy hunter.'"

 

[Goober Mcfly]

No.

 

[Gilbey]

Dogs vs wives

Subject: Dogs vs. Wives...

1. The later you are, the more excited they are to see you.

2. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.

3. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.

4. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

5. A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.

6. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

7. A dog's parents never visit.

8. Dogs do not hate their bodies.

9. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

10. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or desk.

11. Dogs seldom outlive you.

12. Dogs can't talk.

13. Dogs enjoy petting in public.

14. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24-hours a day.

15. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

16. Dogs like to go hunting.

17. Another man will seldom steal your dog.

18. If you bring another dog home, your dog will happily play with both of you.

19. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died would you get another dog?"

20. If you pretend to be blind, your dog can stay in your hotel room for free.

21. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

22. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

23. A dog won't hold out on you to get a new car.

24. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get , they just think it's interesting.

25. On a car trip, your dog never insists on running the heater.

26. Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.

27. When your dog gets old, you can have it put to sleep.

28. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

29. Dogs are not allowed in Bloomingdale's or Neiman-Marcus.

30. If a dog leaves, it won't take half your stuff

 

[Gilbey]

Laywers and Lawsuits

A man calls his lawyer and asks...
"With all the lawsuits going on, Iwant to get in on some of that action.
I hear people are suing cigarette companies because they got cancer and others are
suing McDonalds because they got fat."

Lawyer: "And which one of those categories do you fit under?"

Man: "Neither. I just want to know if I can sue Labatt's for all the ugly women I've slept with?"

 

[Gilbey]

Truly Canadian

Finally a joke that explains what it's like to be Canadian


Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downward through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to a large landmass in the top corner and asked, "What's that one?"

"Ah," said God. "That's Canada, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite coastline. The people from Canada are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hardworking and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them super-human, undefeatable ice hockey players who will be admired and feared by all who come across them."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed; "What about balance, God? You said there would be BALANCE!"

God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the loud-mouth bastards I'm putting below them...."

 

[Gilbey]

Steven Wright

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the guy who once said
"I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen ... and replaced by exact duplicates."

Here are some more of his gems:
------------------------------------------

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
Half the people you know are below average.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

-------------------

 

[Gilbey]

Andy Rooney

1. Andy Rooney on Vegetarians:

"Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning 'lousy hunter.'"
=================================

2. Andy Rooney On Prisoners:

Did you know that it costs forty thousand dollars a year to house each
prisoner? Jeez, for forty thousand bucks apiece, I'll take a few
prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on
the windows.

I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think
they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate
electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair
that's hooked up to the generator.
=================================

3. Andy Rooney On Fabric Softener:

My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then
I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their
breath, "Married!" and walking away.
Fabric Softeners are how our wives mark their territory. We can take off
the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your
clothes.
==================================

4. Andy Rooney On Morning Differences :

Men and women are different in the morning. We men wake up aroused in
the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the
women are thinking, 'How can he want me the way I look in the morning?'
It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic
nerve.
===============================

5. Andy Rooney On Phone-In-Polls:

You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues?
Did you ever notice there's always like 18% that say "I don't know."
It costs 90 cents to call up and vote and they're voting "I don't know."
Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Says into
phone)
"I DON'T KNOW!" (Hangs up looking proud.) Sometimes you have to stand up
for what you believe you're not sure about." This guy probably calls up
phone sex girls for $2.95 to say, "I'm not in the mood."
===============================

6. Andy Rooney On Cripes:

My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They
use words like 'Cripes'. 'For Cripe's sake.'
Who would that be -- Jesus Cripe's? The son of 'Gosh' of the church of
'Holy Moly'?
I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?
=================================

7. Andy Rooney On Grandma:

My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior
Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you?
Out entering wet shawl contests.

Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your
birthday.
===============================

8. Andy Rooney On Answering Machines:

Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive messages on someone's
answering machine? " Hi , it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right
now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is: "Share the love."
Beep.

"Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling....Speaking of being positive,
your test results are back. Stop sharing the love."
=====================================

9. Andy Rooney on Research:

Because over the past few years, more money has been spent on breast
implants and Viagra than is spent on Alzheimer's Disease research, it is
believed that by the year 2030 there will be a large number of people
wandering around with huge breasts and erections...who can't remember
what to do with them.

 

[Gilbey]

George Carlin

George Carlin Strikes Again

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little
bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards. NAIVE

Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing
section in a swimming pool?

OK... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the
Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs", what does that make the
Tennessee Titans?

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea....Does that mean that 1 out
of 5 ENJOYS it?

There are three religious truths:
A. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
B. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian
faith.
C. Baptists do not recognize each Other in the liquor store or at
Hooters

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does
he become disoriented?

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland
called Holes?

Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two
cents in...What happens to the other penny?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread
to begin with?

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who
drives a race car not called a racist?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.
Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that
electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged,
models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed.

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge. Would they call it Fed UP?

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more
as they get older then it dawned on me...They're cramming for their
final exam.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons
and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we
supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on
the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver
the mail?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the
others here for?

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went
nuts.

 

[Gilbey]

Puns Puns Puns

A GOOD PUN IS ITS OWN REWORD


Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.

A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality
comes
from morons?

Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Banning the bra was a big flop.

Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

Without geometry, life is pointless.

When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

Dogs come when called, cats take a message.

---------------------------------------

Advertising may be described as the science of
arresting human intelligence long enough to get money
from it.
Stephen Leacock

 

[Gilbey]

Pregnancy, Estrogen and Women

Pregnancy, Estrogen and Women

PREGNANCY Q & A & more!

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children are enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's
borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but
pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife
is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act
normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.


"ESTROGEN ISSUES"

10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES"

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker
that says: "How's my driving-call 1-800-"
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting-practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space."
8. You can't believe they don't make a tampon bigger than Super Plus.
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND


10. Cat's facial expressions. .
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
AND, the Number One thing only women understand:

1. OTHER WOMEN

 

[Gilbey]

always a few pessimists

trying to spoil fun for others,
Mayne I should change this thread to "why do negative people who have no sense of humour visit joke threads"
its beyond me.

anyone have any advice to the naysayers ?

hey guys lighten up and enjoy the humour

 

[Big Daddy]

LOL! This is too much guys. This may be the fastest growing thread in the Terb History

 

[Gilbey]

Cute Little Opera

http://www.whoohoo.net/operababy/operababy.swf

 

[Gilbey]

Christmass Carols?

Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically challenged


CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE PSYCHIATRICALLY CHALLENGED:

Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are.

Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas.

Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me.

Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and ...

Paranoid --- Santa Claus Is Coming To Get Me.

Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting On An Open Fire.

Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell You Why.

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder ---Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells ...

 

[Gilbey]

Irish Joke

An Irish bloke goes to the doctor "Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot". So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.
"Incredible" he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here." Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a tenner appears. "This is amazing!" exclaims the Doctor. "What do you want me to do?
"Well fur gadness sayke teyhk it out mon!" shrieks the patient. The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another etc....
Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.
"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter, how moch is dare den?"
The Doctor counts the pile of cash. "£1,990 exactly".




"Ah, dat'd be roit. I knew I wasn't feeling two grand".

 

[KBear]

A woman walks into a supermarket and buys :

1 bar of soap,
1 toothbrush,
1 tube toothpaste,
1 loaf of bread,
1 pint of milk,
1 single serving cereal,
1 single serving frozen dinner.

The man at the checkout looks at her and says "Single are you?"

The woman replies very sarcastically "How did you guess?"

He replies, "Because you're fucking ugly!"

----------------------------------------------------

A blonde lady on her way to Jamaica boards the airplane, walks directly into first class and sites down.

The Stewardess knowing that the blonde lady's ticket is for coach approaches the lady and asks if she would please move to her seat in coach.

The blonde lady says, " I'm blonde, I'm good looking, have a good job, make good money and I'm flying to Jamaica in first class"

The Stewardess does not know what to do so she asks the head stewardess if she could talk to the blonde lady.

The head Stewardess approaches the lady and asks in a firmer voice if she could please move to her seat in coach.

The blonde lady now a bit annoyed says " I'm blonde, I'm good looking, have a good job, make good money and I'm flying to Jamaica in first class"

The Stewardesses don't know what to do and the plane is ready to go so they ask the captain if he would talk to the blonde lady.
The captain walks over to the blonde lady and whispers something in her ear. The lady immediately gets up and takes her seat in coach.

The Stewardess amazed ask the captain what he said to the blonde lady to get her to move with so little trouble.

The captain said, " I told her that first class was not going to Jamaica".

----------------------------------------------------

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval.

The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blonde timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

 

[Goober Mcfly]

I object to this thread.

If we collect all the humourous articles, jokes and stories into one thread, nobody will have to search for them any more. What the hell good is that?

Next thing you know, all the reviews will be collected into one spot. What was that?

Oh. Nevermind.

 

[Gilbey]

Beach Vacation

A guy named Goober, (no realtion to anyone you know) got his vacation to the Bahamas and was excited to be there to pick up some chicks.

He got all dressed up for the beach and set out to woo the babes, but every time he approached a lady, they pulled back and walked away from Goober (no realtion) well he keeps going on the beach and sees a guy with many chicks surrounding him listning to his stories.

He decides he needs some advice on picking up the chicks. He walks up to the guy with the chicks and says hello I would like to pick up the ladies like you Mr. ... The other guy rplied, my freinds call me Wop. (no relation) yah I can help oyu ... lets talk.

Wop explains, first of all .. you gotta lose that big stupid hat. then you gotta lose those boxer shorts, you need the speedo like me. and those ugly shoes ... no no.. you need some nice beach sandels.... and as he leaves, he says,,, oh one more thing,
get a potatoe and put it in the speedo

.

so Goober (no relation) gerts a new hat, a speedo swimsiut, and the sandels . and puts the potoatoe down the speedo .
next day he struts on the beach and walks up to the ladies. they see him and this time run away real fast. Being puzzeled he finds Wop again and he says , hey Wop , I did like you said and the chicks run away even faster now . Wop replies, yes Goober

thats a good, the hat, the speedo and the sandels are very good, but , you know , the potatoe, it goes in the front ....

----------------------------
Dear Fred : I cant explain.

this story was purley fictional and any resemblence to anyone living or dead or void of humour is by pure chance and not intentional.

 

[Goober Mcfly]

Idea

Personally, I like the idea of a sub-forum (much like The Waiting Room) much better than a sticky.

And please give it a better name than the Looney Bin. Something Hobby related, perhaps?

I don't know, like the "Release Area" or something...

Anyone? Bueller?