The official joke thread
- Thread starter Gilbey
- Start date
A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.
The painting depicted three very black and totally naked men sitting on a park bench.
Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.
The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.
He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society.
"In fact", he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society."
After the curator left, a Scottish man approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"
"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple.
"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied.
"In fact, there's no African Americans depicted at all. They're just three Scottish coal-miners...
The guy in the middle went home for lunch."
The painting depicted three very black and totally naked men sitting on a park bench.
Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.
The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.
He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society.
"In fact", he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society."
After the curator left, a Scottish man approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"
"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple.
"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied.
"In fact, there's no African Americans depicted at all. They're just three Scottish coal-miners...
The guy in the middle went home for lunch."
Blonde's Diary.
Dear Diary:
MONDAY AFTERNOON: What a wonderful cruise this is going to be. I felt
singularly honored today as the Captain asked me to dine at his table
tonight.
TUESDAY AFTERNOON: I spent the entire afternoon on the bridge with the
Captain. He explained everything he was doing and told me there are
1262 passengers on board and he is responsible for everyone's comfort,
safety and having a good time. He is so charming and invited me to dine at his
table again tonight.
WEDNESDAY EVENING: The Captain saw me at the pool this afternoon and
invited me to have dinner in his cabin. His cabin is very cozy and the
dinner was served with the best wines. He made several amorous
proposals to me but I stood firm on my moral convictions.
THURSDAY EVENING: Tonight the Captain threatened to sink the ship if I
do not give in to his exotic proposals.
FRIDAY MORNING: I saved 1262 lives last night....twice.
Dear Diary:
MONDAY AFTERNOON: What a wonderful cruise this is going to be. I felt
singularly honored today as the Captain asked me to dine at his table
tonight.
TUESDAY AFTERNOON: I spent the entire afternoon on the bridge with the
Captain. He explained everything he was doing and told me there are
1262 passengers on board and he is responsible for everyone's comfort,
safety and having a good time. He is so charming and invited me to dine at his
table again tonight.
WEDNESDAY EVENING: The Captain saw me at the pool this afternoon and
invited me to have dinner in his cabin. His cabin is very cozy and the
dinner was served with the best wines. He made several amorous
proposals to me but I stood firm on my moral convictions.
THURSDAY EVENING: Tonight the Captain threatened to sink the ship if I
do not give in to his exotic proposals.
FRIDAY MORNING: I saved 1262 lives last night....twice.
Stolen from the Hun. Ethnics removed and replaced with actual aliases of actual persons to protect the ethnicities that would have been otherwise slurred.
Goober, Sheik, and Fred were sitting in a bar downtown. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional, "But", said Sheik, "I still prefer the pubs back home in Scotland. A little bar where the landlord goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks he will buy the 5th drink for you."
"Well.", said Fred, "At my favorite, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."
"Oh that's nothing" said Goober. "Just up the street there's a great bar. Now the moment you set foot in that place they buy you all the drinks you want -- one after another. Then when you've had enough they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."
Fred and Sheik doubted this was true, but Goober swears it was.
"Well.", said Fred, "Did this actually happen to you?"
"Not myself personally no", said Goober, "But it did happen to my Mom."
Goober, Sheik, and Fred were sitting in a bar downtown. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional, "But", said Sheik, "I still prefer the pubs back home in Scotland. A little bar where the landlord goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks he will buy the 5th drink for you."
"Well.", said Fred, "At my favorite, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."
"Oh that's nothing" said Goober. "Just up the street there's a great bar. Now the moment you set foot in that place they buy you all the drinks you want -- one after another. Then when you've had enough they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."
Fred and Sheik doubted this was true, but Goober swears it was.
"Well.", said Fred, "Did this actually happen to you?"
"Not myself personally no", said Goober, "But it did happen to my Mom."
There were two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school and were both virgins and enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast.
They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together. As time went on, the guy would call the girl but she was never home and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return any letters. Even when he e-mailed her, she took days to return his messages. Finally, she confessed to him that she wanted to date around. He didn't take this very well and increased his calls and letters and e-mails trying to win back her love. Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back. So what she did was this:
She took a polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend's unmentionables and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone." Well needless to say, this guy was heartbroken, but even more so, he was pissed. So what he did next was awesome:
He wrote on the back of the photo the following: "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!" and then mailed the picture to her parents.
They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together. As time went on, the guy would call the girl but she was never home and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return any letters. Even when he e-mailed her, she took days to return his messages. Finally, she confessed to him that she wanted to date around. He didn't take this very well and increased his calls and letters and e-mails trying to win back her love. Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back. So what she did was this:
She took a polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend's unmentionables and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone." Well needless to say, this guy was heartbroken, but even more so, he was pissed. So what he did next was awesome:
He wrote on the back of the photo the following: "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!" and then mailed the picture to her parents.
M
Mysty
Top 20 things to do in a drive-thru
1. Drive through the drive-thru in reverse and let your passenger order
2. Ask prices of everything on the menu then order something that you did
not ask the price for.
3. Pretend like your window is broken. Tell the employee this. Order with
your door open, pay with your door open. Roll down window and take food
through the window.
4. Go to McDonalds and demand a big breakfast at 11:30 at night. Put up a
fight.
5. Pay for a large order in pennies and nickels unwrapped.
6. Order in another language. Be careful what neighborhood you are in.
7. When asked if they can take your order, tell them you are just window
shopping and drive on.
8. Laugh sadistically when asked if you would like ketchup.
9. Ask how they fit into that little box.
10. If they make you wait, make them wait when they come back on.
11. Demand to speak to the manager. When he comes on, complain that you did
not like the way the employee said "May I take your order?"
12. When asked if they can take your order say "No, why can I take yours?"
13. If they ask you to wait, order anyway and keep doing it till they yell
at you.
14. Pretend like your car broke down. Ask for assistance in moving it. When
they come out, drive away.
15. Tell them you have to use the bathroom.
16. Order a cup of water and two napkins. That's it.
17. Don't order when they come on. Just sit there. If a line forms behind
you, get out of the car and cause a scene.
18. When they hand you your food, hand them a bag back with all the trash
from your car in it.
19. Just stare at them when you pay and get your food. Don't break your
stare.
20. Honk your horn the whole way through the line.
1. Drive through the drive-thru in reverse and let your passenger order
2. Ask prices of everything on the menu then order something that you did
not ask the price for.
3. Pretend like your window is broken. Tell the employee this. Order with
your door open, pay with your door open. Roll down window and take food
through the window.
4. Go to McDonalds and demand a big breakfast at 11:30 at night. Put up a
fight.
5. Pay for a large order in pennies and nickels unwrapped.
6. Order in another language. Be careful what neighborhood you are in.
7. When asked if they can take your order, tell them you are just window
shopping and drive on.
8. Laugh sadistically when asked if you would like ketchup.
9. Ask how they fit into that little box.
10. If they make you wait, make them wait when they come back on.
11. Demand to speak to the manager. When he comes on, complain that you did
not like the way the employee said "May I take your order?"
12. When asked if they can take your order say "No, why can I take yours?"
13. If they ask you to wait, order anyway and keep doing it till they yell
at you.
14. Pretend like your car broke down. Ask for assistance in moving it. When
they come out, drive away.
15. Tell them you have to use the bathroom.
16. Order a cup of water and two napkins. That's it.
17. Don't order when they come on. Just sit there. If a line forms behind
you, get out of the car and cause a scene.
18. When they hand you your food, hand them a bag back with all the trash
from your car in it.
19. Just stare at them when you pay and get your food. Don't break your
stare.
20. Honk your horn the whole way through the line.
M
Mysty
Follow directions!
A man travelling by plane and in urgent need to use the men's room is
nervously tapping his foot on the floor of the aircraft. Each time he tried
the Mens' room door, it was "OCCUPIED".
The stewardess, aware of his predicament suggested that he go ahead and use
the Ladies' room, but cautioned him against using any of the buttons inside.
The Buttons were marked "WW, WA, PP, and ATR".
Making the mistake that so many men make in disregarding the importance of
what a woman says, the man let his curiosity get the best of him and decided
to try the buttons anyway. He carefully pressed the first button marked "WW"
and immediately warm water sprayed all over his entire bottom. He thought,
"WOW, the women really have it made!" Still curious he pressed the button
marked "WA" and a gentle breeze of warm air quickly dried his hind quarters.
He thought that was out of this world! The Button marked "PP" yielded a
large powder puff which delicately applied a soft talc to his rear. Well,
naturally he couldn't resist the last button marked "ATR".
When he woke up in the hospital he panicked and buzzed for the nurse. When
she appeared, he cried out, "What happened to me?! The last thing I remember
is I was in the ladies room on a business trip!"
The nurse replied, "Yes you were having a great time until you pressed the
"ATR" button which stands for Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under
your pillow!"
A man travelling by plane and in urgent need to use the men's room is
nervously tapping his foot on the floor of the aircraft. Each time he tried
the Mens' room door, it was "OCCUPIED".
The stewardess, aware of his predicament suggested that he go ahead and use
the Ladies' room, but cautioned him against using any of the buttons inside.
The Buttons were marked "WW, WA, PP, and ATR".
Making the mistake that so many men make in disregarding the importance of
what a woman says, the man let his curiosity get the best of him and decided
to try the buttons anyway. He carefully pressed the first button marked "WW"
and immediately warm water sprayed all over his entire bottom. He thought,
"WOW, the women really have it made!" Still curious he pressed the button
marked "WA" and a gentle breeze of warm air quickly dried his hind quarters.
He thought that was out of this world! The Button marked "PP" yielded a
large powder puff which delicately applied a soft talc to his rear. Well,
naturally he couldn't resist the last button marked "ATR".
When he woke up in the hospital he panicked and buzzed for the nurse. When
she appeared, he cried out, "What happened to me?! The last thing I remember
is I was in the ladies room on a business trip!"
The nurse replied, "Yes you were having a great time until you pressed the
"ATR" button which stands for Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under
your pillow!"
M
Mysty
A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next
to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake.
The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."
She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."
to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake.
The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."
She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."
M
Mysty
A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.
"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil. "Because I
pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. You
did WHAT ? ! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know,"explained the
boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."
"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil. "Because I
pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. You
did WHAT ? ! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know,"explained the
boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."
M
Mysty
The average person only gets 7 right. This is based on U.S. & CDN info,
so
> > use all lobes of your brain.
> > This can be more difficult than it looks - it just shows how little most
> of
> > us really see!
> > There are 27 questions about things we see every day or have known about
> all
> > our lives.
> > How many can you get right? These little simple questions are harder
than
> > you think...it just shows you how little we
> > pay attention to the commonplace things oflife.
> > Put your thinking caps on. No cheating! No looking around! No getting
out
> of
> > your chair!
> > No using anything on or in your desk or computer! Can you beat 20?? (The
> > average is 7)
> >
> > Write down your answers and then check your answers (on the bottom)only
> > AFTER completing all the questions.
> > That means no looking at your phone or anything on your desk...
> > Then, before you pass this on to your friends,
> > change the number on the subject line to show how many you got correct.
> > Forward to your friends and also back to the one who sent it to you.
> >
> > LET'S JUST SEE HOW OBSERVANT YOU REALLY ARE.
> >
> > Here we go!
> >
> > 1. 1 On a standard traffic light, is the green on the top or bottom?
> >
> > 2. How many states are there in the USA? (Don't laugh, some people don't
> > know)
> >
> > 3. In which hand is the Statue of Liberty's torch?
> >
> > 4. What six colors are on the classic Campbell's soup label?
> >
> > 5. What two numbers on the telephone dial don't have letters by them?
> >
> > 6. When you walk does your left arm swing with your right or left leg?
> >
> > 7. How many matches are in a standard pack?
> >
> > 8. On the United States flag is the top stripe red or white?
> >
> > 9. What is the lowest number on the FM dial?
> >
> > 10. Which way does water go down the drain, counter or clockwise?
> >
> > 11. Which way does a "no smoking" sign's slash run?
> >
> > 12. How many channels on a VHF TV dial?
> >
> > 13. On which side of a women's blouse are the buttons?
> >
> > 14. Which way do fans rotate?
> >
> > 15. What is on the back of a Canadian dime?
> >
> > 16. How many sides does a stop sign have?
> >
> > 17. Do books have even-numbered pages on the right or left side?
> >
> > 18. How many lug nuts are on a standard car wheel?
> >
> > 19. How many sides are there on a standard pencil?
> >
> > 20. Sleepy, Happy, Sneezy, Grumpy,Dopey, Doc. Who's missing?
> >
> > 21. How many hot dog buns are in a standard package?
> >
> > 22. On which playing card is the card maker's trademark?
> >
> > 23. On which side of a Venetian blind is the cord that adjusts the
opening
> > between the slats?
> >
> > 24. On the back of a Canadian $1 coin, what is in the center?
> >
> > 25. There are 12 buttons on a touch tone phone. What 2 symbols bear no
> > digits?
> >
> > 26. How many curves are there in the standard paper clip?
> >
> > 27. Does a merry-go-round turn counter or clockwise?
> >
> >
> > ANSWERS
> >
> > 1. Bottom
> >
> > 2. 50
> >
> > 3. Right
> >
> > 4. Blue, red, white, yellow, black, &gold
> >
> > 5. 1, 0
> >
> > 6. Right
> >
> > 7. 20
> >
> > 8. Red
> >
> > 9. 88
> >
> > 10. Clockwise (north of the equator)
> >
> > 11. Towards bottom right
> >
> > 12. 12 (no #1)
> >
> > 13. Left
> >
> > 14. Clockwise as you look at it
> >
> > 15. The Bluenose
> >
> > 16. 8
> >
> > 17. Left
> >
> > 18. 5
> >
> > 19. 6
> >
> > 20. Bashful
> >
> > 21. 8
> >
> > 22. Ace of spades
> >
> > 23. Left
> >
> > 24. Loon
> >
> > 25. *, #
> >
> > 26. 3
> >
> > 27. Counter
> >
> >
> > ~Cher ~
so
> > use all lobes of your brain.
> > This can be more difficult than it looks - it just shows how little most
> of
> > us really see!
> > There are 27 questions about things we see every day or have known about
> all
> > our lives.
> > How many can you get right? These little simple questions are harder
than
> > you think...it just shows you how little we
> > pay attention to the commonplace things oflife.
> > Put your thinking caps on. No cheating! No looking around! No getting
out
> of
> > your chair!
> > No using anything on or in your desk or computer! Can you beat 20?? (The
> > average is 7)
> >
> > Write down your answers and then check your answers (on the bottom)only
> > AFTER completing all the questions.
> > That means no looking at your phone or anything on your desk...
> > Then, before you pass this on to your friends,
> > change the number on the subject line to show how many you got correct.
> > Forward to your friends and also back to the one who sent it to you.
> >
> > LET'S JUST SEE HOW OBSERVANT YOU REALLY ARE.
> >
> > Here we go!
> >
> > 1. 1 On a standard traffic light, is the green on the top or bottom?
> >
> > 2. How many states are there in the USA? (Don't laugh, some people don't
> > know)
> >
> > 3. In which hand is the Statue of Liberty's torch?
> >
> > 4. What six colors are on the classic Campbell's soup label?
> >
> > 5. What two numbers on the telephone dial don't have letters by them?
> >
> > 6. When you walk does your left arm swing with your right or left leg?
> >
> > 7. How many matches are in a standard pack?
> >
> > 8. On the United States flag is the top stripe red or white?
> >
> > 9. What is the lowest number on the FM dial?
> >
> > 10. Which way does water go down the drain, counter or clockwise?
> >
> > 11. Which way does a "no smoking" sign's slash run?
> >
> > 12. How many channels on a VHF TV dial?
> >
> > 13. On which side of a women's blouse are the buttons?
> >
> > 14. Which way do fans rotate?
> >
> > 15. What is on the back of a Canadian dime?
> >
> > 16. How many sides does a stop sign have?
> >
> > 17. Do books have even-numbered pages on the right or left side?
> >
> > 18. How many lug nuts are on a standard car wheel?
> >
> > 19. How many sides are there on a standard pencil?
> >
> > 20. Sleepy, Happy, Sneezy, Grumpy,Dopey, Doc. Who's missing?
> >
> > 21. How many hot dog buns are in a standard package?
> >
> > 22. On which playing card is the card maker's trademark?
> >
> > 23. On which side of a Venetian blind is the cord that adjusts the
opening
> > between the slats?
> >
> > 24. On the back of a Canadian $1 coin, what is in the center?
> >
> > 25. There are 12 buttons on a touch tone phone. What 2 symbols bear no
> > digits?
> >
> > 26. How many curves are there in the standard paper clip?
> >
> > 27. Does a merry-go-round turn counter or clockwise?
> >
> >
> > ANSWERS
> >
> > 1. Bottom
> >
> > 2. 50
> >
> > 3. Right
> >
> > 4. Blue, red, white, yellow, black, &gold
> >
> > 5. 1, 0
> >
> > 6. Right
> >
> > 7. 20
> >
> > 8. Red
> >
> > 9. 88
> >
> > 10. Clockwise (north of the equator)
> >
> > 11. Towards bottom right
> >
> > 12. 12 (no #1)
> >
> > 13. Left
> >
> > 14. Clockwise as you look at it
> >
> > 15. The Bluenose
> >
> > 16. 8
> >
> > 17. Left
> >
> > 18. 5
> >
> > 19. 6
> >
> > 20. Bashful
> >
> > 21. 8
> >
> > 22. Ace of spades
> >
> > 23. Left
> >
> > 24. Loon
> >
> > 25. *, #
> >
> > 26. 3
> >
> > 27. Counter
> >
> >
> > ~Cher ~
M
Mysty
The Picture On The Night Stand
After a long night of making love, he notices a
photo of another man on her nightstand by the bed.
He begins to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at
his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires,
hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no!!!" she answers.
"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.
"That's me before the surgery."
After a long night of making love, he notices a
photo of another man on her nightstand by the bed.
He begins to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at
his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires,
hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no!!!" she answers.
"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.
"That's me before the surgery."
M
Mysty
ok last one to go with today's signature lol
Vibrators are better...
>
>
>* A vibrator doesn't have an orgasm first and then just stop
>"vibrating."
>* Vibrators are never too busy watching the game on tv.
>* Batteries are cheaper than pick up trucks!!
>* When we're done with them we can stuff them back in the
> drawer and not hear from them until we're ready.
>* It's happy to keep going until we're satisfied.
>* We can get a bigger one or one that has better options
> whenever we want without being called a slut.
>* Position is your choice, not his.
>* It always is hard.
>* It doesn't leave a mess behind.
>* You don't have to wear an ill fitting teddy to excite it.
>* It doesn't care that you gained 10 lbs.
>* You don't have to clean up the apartment before bringing it home.
>* Vibrators are better then men because ...
>* They don't get tired after the first time
>* They never poke you in the back in the morning to see if you are
>in the mood.
>* Vibrators are better then men because in the morning you don't
>have to fix it breakfast.
>* Safe sex without a condom
>* A couple batteries and you don't have to put up with the shit,
>just turn it off when you get one with it !
>* As long as you have a new pack of energizers the vibrator can keep
>going and going and going!
>(while you keep coming and coming!)
>* Vibrators are portable so you can do it anytime, anywhere you
>want!!
>* They don't burp, fart, belch or fall asleep on you.
>* You don't have to dress up for your vibrator.
>* You can show it off to your friends.
>* They never wake up at 4 a.m. asking for another one
>* It doesn't leave a wet spot.
>* It can be stashed away in a drawer.
>* It doesn't have a mother!!!!
>* It doesn't require "a little lip action" to get hard.
>* You know exactly where it's been.
>* Vibrators don't care if you get crumbs in the bed.
>* They never come before you do
Vibrators are better...
>
>
>* A vibrator doesn't have an orgasm first and then just stop
>"vibrating."
>* Vibrators are never too busy watching the game on tv.
>* Batteries are cheaper than pick up trucks!!
>* When we're done with them we can stuff them back in the
> drawer and not hear from them until we're ready.
>* It's happy to keep going until we're satisfied.
>* We can get a bigger one or one that has better options
> whenever we want without being called a slut.
>* Position is your choice, not his.
>* It always is hard.
>* It doesn't leave a mess behind.
>* You don't have to wear an ill fitting teddy to excite it.
>* It doesn't care that you gained 10 lbs.
>* You don't have to clean up the apartment before bringing it home.
>* Vibrators are better then men because ...
>* They don't get tired after the first time
>* They never poke you in the back in the morning to see if you are
>in the mood.
>* Vibrators are better then men because in the morning you don't
>have to fix it breakfast.
>* Safe sex without a condom
>* A couple batteries and you don't have to put up with the shit,
>just turn it off when you get one with it !
>* As long as you have a new pack of energizers the vibrator can keep
>going and going and going!
>(while you keep coming and coming!)
>* Vibrators are portable so you can do it anytime, anywhere you
>want!!
>* They don't burp, fart, belch or fall asleep on you.
>* You don't have to dress up for your vibrator.
>* You can show it off to your friends.
>* They never wake up at 4 a.m. asking for another one
>* It doesn't leave a wet spot.
>* It can be stashed away in a drawer.
>* It doesn't have a mother!!!!
>* It doesn't require "a little lip action" to get hard.
>* You know exactly where it's been.
>* Vibrators don't care if you get crumbs in the bed.
>* They never come before you do
A group of recently graduated kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to Grade One.
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk! "You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them.
She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana", he replied. She said, "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!"
She then asked Susan what she had done. Susan replied, "I took a ride on a choo-choo." The teacher said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words!"
She then asked little Dave what he had done, "I read a book," he replied. "That's WONDERFUL!", the teacher said. "What book did you read?" Dave thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said, "Winnie the SHIT."
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk! "You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them.
She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana", he replied. She said, "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!"
She then asked Susan what she had done. Susan replied, "I took a ride on a choo-choo." The teacher said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words!"
She then asked little Dave what he had done, "I read a book," he replied. "That's WONDERFUL!", the teacher said. "What book did you read?" Dave thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said, "Winnie the SHIT."
A young polar bear walks up to his dad one day and asks, “Dad, am I a pure polar bear—you know, not part black bear, brown bear, or grizzly bear?”
“Why no, son. You come from a long line of proud and strong polar bears. Why do you ask?”
“Because I’m fuckin’ cold.”
“Why no, son. You come from a long line of proud and strong polar bears. Why do you ask?”
“Because I’m fuckin’ cold.”
The little boy asks his father - "Daddy, how was I born?"
Dad responds, "Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out
anyway... Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room
on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a
cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a
download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us
had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button,
nine months later a blessed little Popup appeared and said:
You've Got Male!
Dad responds, "Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out
anyway... Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room
on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a
cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a
download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us
had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button,
nine months later a blessed little Popup appeared and said:
You've Got Male!
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