The official joke thread

What Gender Is It?

If you're like most people, common everyday items look neutral to you...but what you may not know is that many of them have a gender.

For example.........

1) Ziploc Bags -- Male, because they hold everything in but you can see right through them.

2) Copier -- Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

3) Tire -- Male, because it goes bald and often it's over inflated.

4) Hot Air Balloon -- Male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.

5) Sponges -- Female, because they're soft and squeezable and retain water.

6) Web Page -- Female, because it's always getting hit on.

7) Subway -- Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

8) Hourglass -- Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

9) Hammer -- Male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

10) Remote Control -- Female...... Ha! You thought it'd be male. But consider this -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
 
Mario Lemieux, Steve Yzerman and Wayne Gretzky are standing before God at
the throne of Heaven.

God looks at them and says, "Before granting you a place at my side, I must
first ask you what you believe in."

Addressing Lemieux first he asks, "What do you believe?"

Mario looks God in the eye and states passionately, "I believe Hockey to be
the food of life. Nothing else brings such unbridled joy to so many people,
from Moscow to the bright lights of New York. I have
devoted my life to bringing such joy to people who watch us and support
their team."

God looks up and offers Mario the seat to his left.

He then turns to Steve Yzerman, "And you, Steve, what do you believe?"

Stevie Y stands tall and proud, "I believe courage, honour and passion are
the fundamentals to life, and I've spent my whole playing career providing a
living embodiment of these traits."

God, moved by the passion of the speech offers Yzerman the seat to
his right.

Finally, he turns to Wayne Gretzky, "And you, Wayne, what do you believe?"

"I believe," says Gretzky, "You're sitting in my seat."

Chivas :)
 
A few years back, Bobby Hull and Brett Hull were invited to Cujo's for dinner.

It is believed that this was the first ever meeting of the father, the son, and the goalie-host.
 
What do you call a dog with no legs?


Nothing, he can't come anyway!
 
What do you call the Irishman in his backyard with no arms and no legs?


Patty O'furniture.
 
A scientist cloned himself, but the experiment created a duplicate who used very foul language. As the clone cursed and swore, the scientist finally pushed it out the window, and it fell to its death. Later the scientist was arrested for making an obscene clone fall.
 
Laws of a Toddler


If I like it, it's mine.

If it's in my hand, it's mine.

If I can take it from you, it's mine.

If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.

If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.

If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.

If it looks just like mine, it's mine.

If I think it's mine, it's mine.

If I... oops!

I'm sorry; I goofed!

Instead of typing in the Toddler Property Laws, I've been typing in Bill Gates' Business Plan Proposal.
 
Mr Justice Fingers

Read it a few times. Dont get it...
 
He has no thumbs, so I presume it's Mr. Justice Fingers = Mr. Just His Fingers. A very weak pun!
 
I totally missed that.
__________________
like totally
 
There was a blonde driving down the road listening to the radio. The announcer was telling blonde joke after blonde joke until the blonde was so mad that she turned her radio off. A mile down the road, she saw another blonde out in a corn field in a boat rowing. The blonde stopped her car jumped out and yelled, "It's blondes like you that give us all a bad name. If I could swim I'd come out there and give you what's coming to you!"
 
some smart ass exchange I overheard at a bar

guy A : What the Fuck you are looking at ?
( asking the other guy that looked at him )

the other guy : How the Fuck should I know, I ain't no scientist !
 
Mrs. Morris Siegel beckoned to a salesman in Bergdorf
Goodman's, pointed to white wool designer dress on a
mannequin, and said, "Hey Sonny boy, so how much is
the dress on that store dummy over there?"

"That dress is $899.95, Madam," sneered the rather
snotty salesman.

"Oy! For $99.95 I could get the same dress at Klein's
Bargain Store downtown!"

"But Madam," said the salesman, "You'll find that the
dress at Klein's is recycled wool. This original is
100% pure virgin wool."

"Nu! So for $800 I should be caring what the lambs
do at night