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[Marshall Stack]

'Hanky Panky' Sex School

Escort Queen Opens 'Hanky Panky' Sex School
Mon Apr 7,10:56 AM ET
Add Oddly Enough - Reuters to My Yahoo!

AMSTERDAM (Reuters) - The former madam of a Dutch escort agency has opened a "Hanky Panky School" for prostitutes to teach the world's oldest profession how to make more money.



Elene Vis -- whose frank autobiography "Escort Queen with Turbopower" made her a Dutch tabloid darling -- opened the school last week in a luxury Amsterdam canal house to offer prostitutes "exclusive sales training" to boost their business.

"You could call it sales techniques. You have to sell yourself and it doesn't matter if you sell your body or you sell vacuum cleaners. The principle is exactly the same," Vis, 43, said on Monday.

The Netherlands, where brothels are legal and prostitutes pay tax, is renowned for its tolerant attitude to sex and soft drugs. The capital's red light district and its bustling coffee shops are tourist attractions that make millions a year.

Vis, once dubbed "The Five-Star Madam," ran a firm providing expensive escorts to wealthy clients for 20 years. She said the men and women prostitutes who worked for her agency could make about $6,000 a month for 40 hours work.

"We train prostitutes to get a better life and more money out of their work," Vis said of the $450 course at what she called her "educational institute" providing video presentations and tutorials on positive thinking and Kama Sutra.

At least 10 people have already signed up for the course with dozens of other queries flooding in to her office, she said. "I teach them everything in half a day but if they have questions they can call me," Vis said.

Vis said communication and presentation skills -- including how to dress -- were a key part of the course she runs, employing experts to tackle different subjects.

 

[Berlin]

<<bump>>

 

[Shallow Throat]

30 Years difference
==============
1972: Long hair
2002: Longing for hair

1972: KEG
2002: EKG

1972: Acid rock
2002: Acid reflux

1972: Moving to California because it's cool
2002: Moving to California because it's warm

1972: Growing pot
2002: Growing pot belly

1972: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2002: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

1972: Seeds and stems
2002: Roughage

1972: Killer weed
2002: Weed killer

1972: Hoping for a BMW
2002: Hoping for a BM

1972: The Grateful Dead
2002: Dr. Kevorkian

1972: Going to a new, hip joint
2002: Receiving a new hip joint

1972: Rolling Stones
2002: Kidney Stones

1972: Being called into the principal's office
2002: Calling the principal's office

1972: Screw the system
2002: Upgrade the system

1972: Disco
2002: Costco

1972: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2002: Children begging you to get their heads shaved

1972: Passing the drivers' test
2002: Passing the vision test

1972: Whatever
2002: Depends

Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things. Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's incoming freshmen. Here's the 2002 list:

The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1983.

They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.

Their lifetime has always included AIDS.

Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.

The CD was introduced the year they were born.

They have always had an answering machine.

They have always had cable.

They cannot fathom not having a remote control.

Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.

Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.

They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.

They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.

They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.

They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or "de plane Boss, de plane".

They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is.

McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.

They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.

 

[The Fruity Hare]

" Gay Men"?

 

[Jacques_Offe]

Little Johnny

Little Johnny comes home and tells hid father he f***** Suzie in the ass.

Father replies "No shit!"

Johnny says "Just a little"

 

[Meesh]

The following were the winners of Philadelphia magazine's contest, in
which contestants were to take a well-known statement in a foreign language,
change a single letter, and provide a definition for the new statement.

HARLEZ-VOUS FRANCAIS

Can you drive a French motorcycle?

EX POST FUCTO

Lost in the mail.

IDIOS AMIGOS

We're wild and crazy guys!

VENI, VIPI, VICI

I came, I'm a very important person, I conquered.

COGITO EGGO SUM

I think; therefore I waffle.


RESPONDEZ S'IL VOUS PLAID

Honk if you're Scottish.


QUE SERA SERF

Life is feudal.


LE ROI EST MORT. JIVE LE ROI

The king is dead. No kidding.


POSH MORTEM

Death styles of the rich and famous.


PRO BOZO PUBLICO

Support your local clown (or politician, your call)


MONAGE A TROIS

I am three years old.


FELIX NAVIDAD

Our cat has a boat.

HASTE CUISINE

Fast French food.


VENI, VIDI, VICE

I came, I saw, I partied.


QUIP PRO QUO
Fast retort.


ALOHA

Love; greetings; farewell; from such a pain you would never know

MAZEL TON
Tons of luck


VISA LA FRANCE

Don't leave your chateau without it.


AMICUS PURIAE

Platonic friend.


L'ETAT, C'EST MOO
I'm bossy around here.


COGITO, ERGO SPUD
I think, therefore I Yam. (OK, more than one letter.)

VENI, VIDI, VELCRO

I came, I saw, I stuck around. (OK, another exception)

ICH BIT EIN BERLINER

He deserved it.


ZITGEIST

The Clearasil doesn't quite cover it up.

E PLURIBUS ANUM
Out of any group, there's always one *******.


NOMO ARIGATO
no thanks to you

 

[Goober Mcfly]

NOMO ARIGATO

Mister Robot-o...

 

[Cardinal Fang]

hmmmmmm....

POSH MORTEM

Life after being Married to David Beckum?(spelling)

 

[The Fruity Hare]

Beckham, but who really cares anyway.

 

[bobistheowl]

The difference between heaven and hell...

In heaven, the English are the police, the French are the cooks, the Swiss are the administrators, the Italians are the lovers, and the Germans are the mechanics.

In hell, the English are the cooks, the French are the administrators, the Swiss are the lovers, the Italians are the mechanics, and the Germans are the police.

 

[bobistheowl]

A golfer comes into the 19th hole with a bloody gash over his left eye, and asks for a double scotch, straight up.

The bartender says: "Hey, what happened, buddy, get hit with a ball?".

Golfer says: "Not exactly. I made my tee shot on the 16th, and I sliced it way off to the left, over the fence into that farmer's field. I had a chance to break 80, and I couldn't afford to lose the stroke, so I'm looking for my ball for like, twenty minutes. Then I see this cow walk by, her tail goes up, and I see a golf ball lodged up the cow's vagina. I go over and take a look, and it's a Dunlop 65. I'm shooting a Titleist 3. I keep looking. Then this lady walks by and says she lost her golf ball, too. I ask her what she's shooting, and she says she's shooting a Dunlop 65. So I went over to the cow, lifted up its' tail, and said 'this one looks like yours, lady.' She hit me with a five iron".

 

[thecoolguyms72]

NOMO ARIGATO
no thanks to you

HOMO ARIGATO

thanks subdave

 

[Sow]

lol.

 

[spastar]

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She's a lawyer.

Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the Woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.

Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.

Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.

Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.

Good: The postman's early.
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun.
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.

Good: Your son is dating someone new.
Bad: It's another man.
Ugly: He's your best friend.

Good: Your daughter got a new job.
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly! : Your coworkers are her best clients.
Way ugly: She makes more money than you do.

 

[bobistheowl]

Then there was the Orthodox Jewish man, who refused to perform oral sex on his wife, because she had become a pig.

 

[Stumpy]

A fellow was sitting in a bar one day, when he notices the guy next to him crying into his beer.

Feeling compassion, he asked the man what was wrong.

The crying man points out the window of the bar. "You see that office building across the street? I built it with my bare hands. Do they call me Bob the office builder? No."

He points to a church through another window. "You see that church there? I built that with my bare hands. Do they call me Bob the church builder? No."

He points to a hardware store through the same window. "That hardware store. I built that with my bare hands. Do they call me Bob the store builder? No."

"But" says the crying man, "you fuck just one goat...."

 

[GlavaMan]

How To Tell if You Are Gay!

1. If you are over thirty and you have a washboard stomach, you are gay. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups,aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet.

2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaming homo. A cat is like a dog, but gay- it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog..."Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here!"Now think about how you call a cat..."Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!"
Jeeezus, you're fit to be framed, you're so gay.

3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such
nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on bar-b-que ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, craw fish guts, pickled pigs feet, or breasts. Anything else and you are in training to suck El Dicko and undeniably a fag.

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you're in a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his bathroom, he defecates and urinates where he pleases.

5. If you drink decaf coffee with skim milk, you like a high hard one in the poop chute. Coffee is to be had strong, black, and full aroma. A straight man will never be heard ordering a "Decaf Cafe Latte with Skim" and he will never, ever know what artificial sweetener tastes like. If you've had Nutrasweet in your mouth, you've had a cock there too.

6. If you know more than six names of colors or four different types of dessert, you might as well be handing out free passes to your ass. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap as well as all the names of all the players in the Major league, NFL, NBA, college ball, PGA, and NASCAR. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a
"fressier" is you're gay. And if name ANY type of textile other than denim, you are faggadocious.

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it......you're
hungry for a meat popsicle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-ass driver or to cut the punk off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, hold his beer, or play with the bitch in the passenger seat.

8. If you enjoy romantic comedies or French films, mon-frere, vous le Gay, oui? The only time it is acceptable to watch one of those is with a woman who knows how to reward her man. Watching any of the above films by yourself or with another man is likely to result in SHC (spontaneous homosexual combustion), which is what happens to fags when they flame out Too quickly.

 

[Electroguy]

A blonde woman enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman:

"I would like to buy a pink curtain in the size of my computer screen".

The surprised salesman replies: "But, ma'am, computers do not need curtains!!!”

And the blonde said:

"Helloooo.... I've got Windows!”

 

[xarir]

A Trooper stationed in Afghanistan recently received a letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:

Dear Ricky,
I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just to great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us.
I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.
Love, Becky

The Trooper, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Troops for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope....along with this note:

Dear Becky, I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.
Take Care, Ricky

 

[Medic]

A Buddist walks into a bar and says, "Make me one with everything".