The official joke thread

[Berlin]

a joke about 1 American tourist, VD, a US doctor, a Chinese doctor...

( ditto...)

Mongolian VD


An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time.
A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tell the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: "I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it."

The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc".

The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis".

The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion".

The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice".

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease".
The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what we can do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis?"
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money, that way. No need to opelate!No need to opelate. "

"Oh, Thank God!", the man replies.

"Yes", says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait two weeks. Dick fall off by itself! You save money"

 

[Berlin]

for doc's who are (or still ) married...

( ditto...)

2nd opinion:

A doctor and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house.
After sometime the doctor realizes he was nasty and decides to make up and rings her up.

She comes to the phone after many rings and the irritated doctor says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?"
She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this late - doing what?" he asked.
"Getting a second opinion!"

 

[Berlin]

something about eggs...

( ditto... )


5 REASONS WHY 'IT SUCKS' TO BE AN EGG :

1) Only get laid once
2) Only get eaten once
3) Takes 7 mins to get hard
4) You have to come in a box with 11 other guys

And the final reason why it sucks big time to be an egg,


5) The only one who’ll sit on your face is your mother

 

[Berlin]

involving a doctor again...

( ditto...)

Doc, got a problem here:


Roger went to the doctor and said, "Doctor, I've got a problem, but if you're going to treat it, first you've got to promise not to laugh."
"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," Roger said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest penis the doctor has ever seen.
Unable to control himself, the doctor fell laughing to the floor.
Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure. "I'm so sorry," he said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen."

 

[Gilbey]

oh no NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

Looks like Frodo failed in his quest

http://www.e-driver.fineststars.com/lordofthering.jpg

 

[DonBusch]

Little Johnny hears the word whorehouse in school and asks
his father what it means. His father is quite shocked, and
replies, "Well, uh, you go there to, uh, have a good time."


Johnny starts screaming and hollering that he wants to go
there, too, but his father insists that he's too young.


Saturday night rolls around. Johnny's dad and a few of his
friends head out to Mable's ("Liquor In The Front, Poker In
The Rear! -- Our Customers Come First!) for a "good time."


Naturally, Little Johnny tags along secretly.


After his dad and his dad's friends have been safely inside for
some time, Little Johnny knocks on the door. The madame
opens the door. "Yes?" she asks.


"I'm here to have a good time!"


The madame is a little puzzled, but, being a kind-hearted
soul, invites Little Johnny inside. She gives him three donuts
and then bids him goodbye.


When he gets home, his dad is frantic. (Dad obviously had
come and gone at Mabel's.) "Where have you been?"


"I went to a WHOREHOUSE!" Johnny proudly boasted!


Johnny's dad blanched. "Uhh, you did? Umm, how was it?"


"Well, I managed the first two without any problem, but I just
licked the third one!"

 

[Berlin]

a teenage kid in a whorehouse....

mmmmm... one of my childhood fantasies, other than the ones involving my grade 7 teacher, Miss. G...............OMG, I had such disturbed childhood.

 

[onthebottom]

Golf

A man takes a week off and decides to play a round of golf everyday.
First thing Monday he sets off on his first round and soon catches up to
the person in front. He sees that this is a woman and as he gets closer
to her on the Par 3, he sees that she is a stunner.

He's interested and suggests that they play the rest of the round
together. She agrees and a very close match ensues. She turns out also to be
a very talented golfer and she wins their little match on the last
hole. He congratulates her in the car park then offers to give her a lift
when he sees she doesn't have a car. All in all it's been a highly
enjoyable morning. On the way to her place, she thanks him for the morning's
company and competition and says she hasn't enjoyed herself so much on
the course for a long time. "In fact," she says, "I'd like you to pull
over so I can show you how much I appreciated everything." He pulls
over, they kiss and she ends up giving him a blow job.

The next morning he spies her at the first tee and suggests they play
together again. He's actually quite competitive and slightly peeved that
she beat him the previous day. Again they have a magnificent day,
enjoying each other's company and playing a tight round of golf.

Again she pips him at the last and again he drives her home and once
again she goes down on him in appreciation. This goes on all week, with
her beating him narrowly every day. This is a sore point for his male
ego but nevertheless in the car home on Friday he tells her that he has
such a fine week that he has a surprise planned. Dinner for two at a
candle-lit restaurant followed by a Night of passion in the penthouse
apartment of a city hotel.

Surprisingly, she burst into tears and says she can't agree to this. He
can't work out what the fuss is about but eventually she admits the
truth.

You see," she says, "I'm a transvestite." He is aghast. He swerves
violently off the road, pulls the car to a screeching halt and curses
madly, overcome with emotion. "I'm sorry" she repeats.

"You bastard," he screams (rather red in the face), "You cheating
bastard, you've been playing off the ladies tees all week!!"

 

[Berlin]

on wisdom...

( heard it in UK...)

Hanz , the only son of a wealthy industrialist, has most material things money can buy, chalets, private Lear, speed boats, fast cars, women.....he has good looks, went to great schools,plays polo, he knows he is almost perfect , except for one thing: he is a bit short in the wisdom department. He knows it and ,always wishes that he can be smarter and wiser. His secret wish: he wants a new brain.

One day, Hanz goes to see this doctor who is an expert in human cloning and brain transplant. Hanz wants a better brain. Realizing that money is no object for Hanz, the doctor invites him into his secret lab.

'Sir,' says the doctor, pointing to the jars of brains lining the lab bench,' may I introduce you to the most exclusive collection in the world, the Cohiba's, the Rothchild's , and the Aston Martin's of brains, the best collection of the grey matter one can ever find, money can buy..'

' Show me,' says Hanz, excitingly, ' show me !'

Pointing to the first jar, the doctor says,' This one here, is from a very famous golf player; he was young, tall, handsome, educated in private schools, well travelled, had beautiful girlfriends, PGA champions....'

'Better ones ?' asked Hanz, ' Have you not ?'

'Yes, but of course..' says the doctor, 'moving on to the next one.. this one here, is from a CEO of a software giant corp. He was extremely intelligent, an astute, aggressive business man, had the world at his feet, loved women....'

'No, no.... doctor, I want a better one, I want the best, the very best. Now, what do you have ?' says Hanz.

'Yes, ... but of course..' says the doctor, ' this one here, you see, sir, is the cream of the crop, best of the finest.... this brain is from a very powerful head of state ; he was popular, charismatic, extremely intelligent, a great leader in his time, a driving force behind world peace, a well crafted musician, and loved sex.....'

' Hmmm...I like what I hear, may be I should settle on this one then.... but wait, doctor, what about that brain over there?' asked Hanz , pointing to a glass jar sitting on a metal shelf way back in a corner.

'I am afraid that one is not for sale , sir. It is a very precious one; only for my private collection...priceless.' says the doctor firmly.

' You must be kidding , priceless? What more can it be? The brian of a world ruler, the brain of Einstein ?' asked Hanz angrily, and almost laughing in disbelief.

'Sir, you don't understand,' says the doctor,' it is a brain from a blonde... it's never been used.'

 

[DonBusch]

A wife woke of the middle of the night to find her husband missing from bed. She got out of bed and checked around the house. She heard sobbing from the basement.
After turning on the light and descending the stairs, she found
her husband curled up into a little ball, sobbing.
"Honey, what's wrong?" she asked, worried about what could
have hurt him so much.
"Remember, 20 years ago, I got you pregnant?"
"And your father threatened me to marry you or to go to jail?"
"Yes, of course," she replied.
"Well, I would have been released tonight."

 

[DonBusch]

The Four Kinds of SEX -


The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon
period, you keep doing it until you're blue in the face.


The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the
marriage, you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in the
kitchen.


The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit,
perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.


The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is where you pass each
other in the hallway and say, "Fuck you!"

 

[DonBusch]

A country preacher decided to skip services one Sunday and head to
the hills to do some bear hunting. As he rounded the corner on a
perilous twist in the trail, he and a bear collided, sending him and
his rifle tumbling down the mountainside. Before he knew it, his
rifle went one way and he went the other, landing on a rock and
breaking both legs. That was the good news. The bad news was the
ferocious bear charging at him from a distance, and he couldn't move.
"Oh, Lord," the preacher prayed, "I'm so sorry for skipping services
today to come out here and hunt. Please forgive me and grant me just
one wish ... please make a Christian out of that bear that's coming
at me. Please, Lord!"

That very instant, the bear skidded to a halt, fell to its knees,
clasped its paws together and began to pray aloud right at the
preacher's feet. "Dear God, bless this food I am about to
receive..."

 

[DonBusch]

The MasterCard commercial all men are waiting for.

Cover charge: $15.00
Round of drinks: $23.00
Table dance: $30.00
Another round of drinks: $23.00
Couch dance and tips: $50.00
A round of shots: $34.00
Private dance in your hotel room: $300.00
Sending her on her way and never having to hear her complain: Priceless

 

[sauce]

For the Men on Valentines Day!

Subject: March 20th.........
OFFICIAL New North American holiday

Every 14th of February you get the chance to display your fondness
your wife or girlfriend by showering her with gifts, flowers,
dinner,shows and any other baubles that women find romantic.

Secret...guys feel left out. That's right...left out. There's no
special holiday for the ladies to show their appreciation for the
men in their life. Men as a whole are either too proud or just too embarrassed
to admit it. Which is why a new holiday has been created. March 20th
is now officially "Steak & Blowjob Day."

Simple, effective and self-explanatory...this holiday has been
created so your ladies can have a day to show your man just how
much you love him. No cards, no flowers, no special nights on the town. The name
of the holiday explains it all ... just a steak and a BJ. That's it.
This twin pairing of Valentine's Day and Steak & Blowjob Day will usher in a
new age of love as men everywhere will try THAT much harder in
February to ensure a more memorable March!

It's like a perpetual love machine. The word is already spreading,
but as with any new idea, it needs a little push to start the ball
rolling.

So spread the word, and help bring love and peace to this crazy
world.

 

[Berlin]

Mastercard

DonBusch,

The mastercard exp breakdown seemed so real.... reminds me of a night out to Club Pro/Pro Cafe ( Toronto ).... yeeeeeears ago.

ps of course, you gotta slab a couple hundred more CAD on the dances.

 

[DonBusch]

Re: Mastercard

DonBusch,

The mastercard exp breakdown seemed so real.... reminds me of a night out to Club Pro/Pro Cafe ( Toronto ).... yeeeeeears ago.

ps of course, you gotta slab a couple hundred more CAD on the dances.

LOL, that's why I only do outcall.

 

[Berlin]

SC vs outcall

I understand what you are saying... from the $ point of view, we get the most 'bang' for the $, when we sink our $ solely on the 'bang'. A lot of people have no idea how much someone would spend on a dancer in a single night, just trying to sleep with her. And the sleeping part is extra.... and I am not talking about hundreds here....

Maybe someone should start a thread on the subject.

 

[gypsy121]

Joke!

A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice cream shop, and being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers.

After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up from the engine and says, "It looks like you've blown a seal."

"No, no," the penguin replies, wiping his mouth "it's just ice cream."

 

[DonBusch]

A deaf mute walks into pharmacy to buy condoms. He has difficulty
communicating with pharmacist and cannot see condoms on the shelf.

Frustrated, the deaf mute finally unzips his pants, places his dick
on the counter and puts down a five dollar bill next to it.

The pharmacist unzips his pants, does the same as the deaf mute and
then picks up both bills and stuffs them in his pocket. Exasperated,
the deaf mute begins to curse the pharmacist wildly in sign language.

"Look," the pharmacist says, "if you can't afford to lose, you
shouldn't bet."

 

[DonBusch]

A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a
confession box and says nothing.


The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the
man says nothing.


The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to
get the man to speak.


Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knockin' mate, there's no paper
in this one either."