Spanking Your Child?

[peter4025]

So you're saying the only zone of effectiveness for spanking is 2 to 5? Lol.

My oldest is a thinker. Spanking never worked (he'd ask for more!). But we can talk to him and explain right and wrong and why something was happening.

The youngest is a wrecking ball. There's no reasoning, just chaos.

What I'm saying is that you can talk to older children, they can understand and can rationalize what are you saying. For them grounding or taking away things is a better way to deal with problems. I know of some parents that used to scream and spank their 12 months old baby because did not want to go to sleep or eat when they wanted. Kids that age don't understand much and spanking them is more like abusing them.

I have three kids and I only spanked the last one once when he was 4 and it worked. He kept running into the street. Tried to talk with him. Nothing worked until I lightly spank him once in front of his friends. He never did it again.

 

[whitewaterguy]

Kids learn their behaviours from parents behaviours. They are a product of your parenting. If you hit them when your frustrated with them, then they will think it's ok for them to hit too, like when they are in kindergarten , or later years. So you run the risk of lots of phone calls and meetings with teachers and the police

What has amused me over the years, are parents who have taken beatings at the hands of their teen or older kids. These parents frequently call police or CAS for help. Hilarious. It's ok to hit the kid, who can't call anyone for help, but when the adult takes a smacking or pounding, all hell breaks loose. If you are whacking your kid, then run to call the cops when they whack you, you're nothing but a shameless, chicken shit. Expect treatment in kind some day.....teach your kid that aggression when you are frustrated is a good thing...then savour the payback...lol

 

[TeasePlease]

Hitting a parent or "elder" is a non-starter in my house.

That's one thing that earns an automatic time out. No warnings, straight to the corner, and then a very stern discussion follows.

 

[demien2k5]

My mother had a paddle. Actually, if you remember those bat a ball things? It was this wooden paddle with an elastic string with a ball attached to the end of the string. One day playing with it, the string and ball flew off and my mother had this brilliant idea that the bat portion could still be put to good use. Spanking us. (imagine the irony of having your own toy turned into the implement of your punishment. )

When we transgressed, she would tell us "go and get the bat" and it was our job to go and get the damn thing from the drawer where she kept it and then bring it to her. Usually that 10 second journey from dresser drawer to living room couch took about 30 minutes of begging and crying and pleading for mercy and forgiveness and swearing to be good (usually to no avail but sometimes the sentence was commuted to "punishment already served".) Then we were told to pull our pants down bare assed and drape ourselves across her knee while she wailed on our bare asses.

I can remember it like it was yesterday.

But was it abuse?

I don't believe so.

Dude, this is one of the worst examples of physical, psychological and emotional abuse any child could ever be forced to endure. I am sincerely sorry that this remains such a vivid memory for you of your childhood.

 

[whitewaterguy]

Dude, this is one of the worst examples of physical, psychological and emotional abuse any child could ever be forced to endure. I am sincerely sorry that this remains such a vivid memory for you of your childhood.

Exactly. Traumatized the little fuckers, strike fear and terror....nah that ain't abuse. Wtf?

 

[Ms.FemmeFatale]

Discipline is patience and consistency.

A child needs to learn that certain behavior is unacceptable and when you do something wrong, you need to accept accountability in the form of consequences. Just as when you are successful, you feel the reward. We will not tell our boss to fuck off because we will be fired. Negative behaviour equals firing consequences. We know this but how to learn and how do we teach it?

You do not have to reason with a child, you simply have to tell them it is unacceptable. You state the reasons why firmly. Discipline happens over time and spanking is all to often a instant fix. Parenting is not easy, it is not fun and it is often a sacrifice personally in some way. Sometimes that means leaving the mall when your kid is acting out. Taking them home, giving them a time out in their room. Supporting the child in an appropriate way while still not accepting the negative behaviour and letting the child come to terms with accountability and therefore accepting of the consequence. That is often the hardest but most crucial part of parenting as discipline only works when accepted. Forcing a child to submit, which spanking usually does by instilling the wrong kind of fear, is not discipline. It is instant behaviour modification. That doesn't appropriately help them to learn. Because once they learn to take it, they often don't care or respect that actions have consequences at all.

It has to start young when the child is learning. This is why they say the first 5 years are so important. Time-outs are not just do bad, go sit on a chair for 3 mins. There needs to be follow up and support through out. There needs to reward and equal teaching about pride, and self worth, self respect and self appreciation/gratification at ones own success. This helps teach personal disappointment in ones behaviour and goes along in curbing negative behaviour. That part is also missing as parents often only parent during the bad, forgetting to parent through the good. Parenting is about teaching, supporting, loving, and guiding a young person through their life and transition into adulthood. All these components need to be present to properly teach and discipline a child.

 

[BlueLaser]

Anyone who is considering "spanking" needs to look up the research on the long term effects. The research is so overwhelmingly negative. At least take a look.

I was beaten as a child and many others who went through the same agree it destroys self confidence among other things.

Beaten and spanked are different, no? I was spanked, on occasion, when I deserved it, and I for one am thankful to my father for being a fair disciplinarian. I can count on one hand the number of times it happened, and can't think of a single case where I didn't deserve at least that.

 

[whitewaterguy]

Beaten and spanked are different, no? I was spanked, on occasion, when I deserved it, and I for one am thankful to my father for being a fair disciplinarian. I can count on one hand the number of times it happened, and can't think of a single case where I didn't deserve at least that.

How so, both are acts of physical aggression against a helpless being who you brought into the world and who you are expected to protect emotionally and physically from unsafe and fearful situations.. Instill a little fear why don't ya, it's good for them

How would you mitigate the spank? With a hug and "I love you sweety" after you spank them and make them cry? Nice mixed message

 

[whitewaterguy]

Discipline is patience and consistency.

A child needs to learn that certain behavior is unacceptable and when you do something wrong, you need to accept accountability in the form of consequences. Just as when you are successful, you feel the reward. We will not tell our boss to fuck off because we will be fired. Negative behaviour equals firing consequences. We know this but how to learn and how do we teach it?

You do not have to reason with a child, you simply have to tell them it is unacceptable. You state the reasons why firmly. Discipline happens over time and spanking is all to often a instant fix. Parenting is not easy, it is not fun and it is often a sacrifice personally in some way. Sometimes that means leaving the mall when your kid is acting out. Taking them home, giving them a time out in their room. Supporting the child in an appropriate way while still not accepting the negative behaviour and letting the child come to terms with accountability and therefore accepting of the consequence. That is often the hardest but most crucial part of parenting as discipline only works when accepted. Forcing a child to submit, which spanking usually does by instilling the wrong kind of fear, is not discipline. It is instant behaviour modification. That doesn't appropriately help them to learn. Because once they learn to take it, they often don't care or respect that actions have consequences at all.

It has to start young when the child is learning. This is why they say the first 5 years are so important. Time-outs are not just do bad, go sit on a chair for 3 mins. There needs to be follow up and support through out. There needs to reward and equal teaching about pride, and self worth, self respect and self appreciation/gratification at ones own success. This helps teach personal disappointment in ones behaviour and goes along in curbing negative behaviour. That part is also missing as parents often only parent during the bad, forgetting to parent through the good. Parenting is about teaching, supporting, loving, and guiding a young person through their life and transition into adulthood. All these components need to be present to properly teach and discipline a child.

:thumb: nicely put:thumb:

 

[BlueLaser]

How so, both are acts of physical aggression against a helpless being who you brought into the world and who you are expected to protect emotionally and physically from unsafe and fearful situations.. Do yeah...I still a little fear why don't ya

How would you mitigate the spank? With a hug and "I love you sweety" after you spank them and make them cry? Nice mixed message

My dad didn't hug me and see he loved me after the spanking. It was discipline. You don't get coddled immediately after being disciplined. I never had mixed messages. I would never say I was beaten. I was spanked. To me, there is a big difference between the two.

 

[demien2k5]

Even the concept of a time out has, in many cases, outlived its usefulness. Kids today are so spoiled that sending a child to his room full of toys and electronics has long ceased to be viewed as punishment by most children. Some will say, make the kid sit on a chair or on the stairs alone. Ever tried that with an unruly 4 year old? Had any success? I thought not! LOL!

So what do you do? What makes a real impact on a child of that early age beyond a smack on the thigh or a whack on the bum?

 

[Ms.FemmeFatale]

Even the concept of a time out has, in many cases, outlived its usefulness. Kids today are so spoiled that sending a child to his room full of toys and electronics has long ceased to be viewed as punishment by most children. Some will say, make the kid sit on a chair or on the stairs alone. Ever tried that with an unruly 4 year old? Had any success? I thought not! LOL!

So what do you do? What makes a real impact on a child of that early age beyond a smack on the thigh or a whack on the bum?

Yes, and I get that success by not stopping and continuing to do the same thing consistently each time. I follow through every time a warning of a time out is given I follow up after the time out is completed properly. I give the time out in a calm and undistracted manner. This is the problem. Parents are not being patient enough with the process and most don't even do it right to begin with it. Like everything, it has steps to follow or it is not successful. Sticking a kid in a room of toys will not work, letting an unruly kid get away with screaming, kicking and yelling their way out of time out will not work either. What get their attention is the lack of attention you give to anything else but serving that time out properly. Nothing else matters, and remember kids are allowed to cry during a time out, they are allowed to not like it. They are suppose to not like it, so unruly is not a kid who is crying while siting on the chair doing their time out.

 

[whitewaterguy]

My dad didn't hug me and see he loved me after the spanking. It was discipline. You don't get coddled immediately after being disciplined. I never had mixed messages. I would never say I was beaten. I was spanked. To me, there is a big difference between the two.

Spanking models aggressive behaviour to kids. They can't distinguish between a hit and a spank. It instills in them a mild fear of you as the parent. It also models the notion that if they hit other kids, they might get what they want, their way,on their terms

Lots of studies out there indicating kids as young as 5 are more aggressive a few years later than those kids who weren't spanked. I guess if you want your kids to grow up to be dough heads or trailer park wwf zombies, your certainly contributing to their developmental growth stages by endorsing aggression and hitting as a means to an end. Lovely

 

[diehard]

Using your hand is discipline, using a cane, switch, or paddle that leaves marks is in both Canada and the U.S.A. over the line.

 

[whitewaterguy]

Using your hand is discipline, using a cane, switch, or paddle that leaves marks is in both Canada and the U.S.A. over the line.

Yeah so I guess if you leave a few bruisers "hand only" or grabbing tightly even with your fingers, leaving finger tip size bruises, that's acceptable huh?? Maybe according to your bible

 

[BlueLaser]

Spanking models aggressive behaviour to kids. They can't distinguish between a hit and a spank. It instills in them a mild fear of you as the parent. It also models the notion that if they hit other kids, they might get what they want, their way,on their terms

Lots of studies out there indicating kids as young as 5 are more aggressive a few years later than those kids who weren't spanked. I guess if you want your kids to grow up to be dough heads or trailer park wwf zombies, your certainly contributing to their developmental growth stages by endorsing aggression and hitting as a means to an end. Lovely

The only kid I grew up with that was aggressive was pretty much the only kid on the block that wasn't spanked or disciplined.

I don't think you can pigeonhole everyone. Not all people are the same, not all people respond to things the the same, and that includes kids. I know that I have no tendency towards violence despite being spanked. I avoid violence at almost any cost within reason. I don't pretend that means it can never be harmful, but I needed it. I didn't listen. Perhaps the studies didn't exam all the variables. I know I was spanked and I'm fine with what happened to me. If my sister and her husband decided they were going to spank their kids (my niece and nephew), I wouldn't tell them that they're wrong to do it. But if he started coming home drunk and beating them, I'd step up and say something. If the kids are getting spanked for minor shit, I'd say something.

My sister was never spanked. She never needed it. I can guarantee you that a time out would have had no effect on me. I was like a Rottweiler. Call me a bad dog and send me to my cage, and I wouldn't care. My sister was like a Newfoundland Dog, simply raise your voice and she'd sit in the corner and cry until you came over and told her it was ok. My parents were perfectly capable of raising her without needing to resort to spanking. The idea that only bad parents have to do it is narrow minded, in my opinion. Not all kids are the same, not all kids respond to discipline the same, and regardless of ones own experience with their kids and their nieces and nephews, they may not have met a really terrible kid like I was. Had I not been disciplined, I would've turned out drastically different. Frankly, I'm glad I was born in the 70's. Had I been born in the 90's, I would've been disagnosed ADHD and drugged up instead of being disciplined and I never would've been able to do so many of the things I have.

DISCLAIMER: I'm not saying ADHD and things of that ilk aren't real things or that spankings can "cure" them or they can be taught away, I'm saying that as a child I exhibited all the classic symptoms and easily would've been MISdiagnosed as so many were in the 90s.

 

[whitewaterguy]

The only kid I grew up with that was aggressive was pretty much the only kid on the block that wasn't spanked or disciplined.

I don't think you can pigeonhole everyone. Not all people are the same, not all people respond to things the the same, and that includes kids. I know that I have no tendency towards violence despite being spanked. I avoid violence at almost any cost within reason. I don't pretend that means it can never be harmful, but I needed it. I didn't listen. Perhaps the studies didn't exam all the variables. I know I was spanked and I'm fine with what happened to me. If my sister and her husband decided they were going to spank their kids (my niece and nephew), I wouldn't tell them that they're wrong to do it. But if he started coming home drunk and beating them, I'd step up and say something. If the kids are getting spanked for minor shit, I'd say something.

My sister was never spanked. She never needed it. I can guarantee you that a time out would have had no effect on me. I was like a Rottweiler. Call me a bad dog and send me to my cage, and I wouldn't care. My sister was like a Newfoundland Dog, simply raise your voice and she'd sit in the corner and cry until you came over and told her it was ok. My parents were perfectly capable of raising her without needing to resort to spanking. The idea that only bad parents have to do it is narrow minded, in my opinion. Not all kids are the same, not all kids respond to discipline the same, and regardless of ones own experience with their kids and their nieces and nephews, they may not have met a really terrible kid like I was. Had I not been disciplined, I would've turned out drastically different. Frankly, I'm glad I was born in the 70's. Had I been born in the 90's, I would've been disagnosed ADHD and drugged up instead of being disciplined and I never would've been able to do so many of the things I have.

DISCLAIMER: I'm not saying ADHD and things of that ilk aren't real things or that spankings can "cure" them or they can be taught away, I'm saying that as a child I exhibited all the classic symptoms and easily would've been MISdiagnosed as so many were in the 90s.

How fortunate that you avoided being ritalinized. You'd be at least one foot shorter!

 

[fuji]

No child should ever be hit in anger.

However it is possible to apply a spanking without anger and I am not sure that is such a bad thing, so long as it isn't done violently.

Hitting in anger is a parent who smacks a misbehaving child. On the other hand, a parent who sits down and discusses in private, and in calm, patient language, what the child has done wrong and why it is being punished, who then applies a considered spanking, is not acting in anger.

I don't know that the research that spanking is harmful actually applies to the latter case.

 

[Tiger]

Dude, this is one of the worst examples of physical, psychological and emotional abuse any child could ever be forced to endure. I am sincerely sorry that this remains such a vivid memory for you of your childhood.

Disagree. He's giving an example of his mother's discipline, and Captain Kirk already said he doesn't consider it a case of abuse in retrospect.

I was spanked as a child many times (by my mother primarily. My father sometimes. But with my mother it was controlled whereas the old man would snap and it could be violent).

My mother had a paddle. Actually, if you remember those bat a ball things? It was this wooden paddle with an elastic string with a ball attached to the end of the string. One day playing with it, the string and ball flew off and my mother had this brilliant idea that the bat portion could still be put to good use. Spanking us. (imagine the irony of having your own toy turned into the implement of your punishment. )

When we transgressed, she would tell us "go and get the bat" and it was our job to go and get the damn thing from the drawer where she kept it and then bring it to her. Usually that 10 second journey from dresser drawer to living room couch took about 30 minutes of begging and crying and pleading for mercy and forgiveness and swearing to be good (usually to no avail but sometimes the sentence was commuted to "punishment already served".) Then we were told to pull our pants down bare assed and drape ourselves across her knee while she wailed on our bare asses.

I can remember it like it was yesterday.

But was it abuse?

I don't believe so. We were never injured..but it has left an impression (no pun intended)

Discipline is such a hard thing to teach, and there is no singular correct method. I believe it has to be a combination of methods and modern thinking is definitely more civilized...

Personally, my childhood was similar to JTK's in that spanking was a part of the punishment. Every time I was spanked (with a bamboo stick, had a nice whip to it, instead of a paddle) I knew I deserved it and I knew it was coming. When I was misbehaving as a child, I'd think in my mind "shit, i'm being bad, I'm probably going to get the stick for doing this..." and I'd do it anyway knowing the consequence. Apparently behaviour modification didn't work for me! But at least I understood my parents, their rationale, done in love not anger, and why I was being punished. Eventually I learned.

I am quizzical as to why some of us feel guilty or ashamed once you've already spanked your child. If you have thought about it and already decided spanking is the proper method of punishment and the right thing to do, why still feeling guilty? B/c modern-day society tells you that you're in the wrong?

 

[pablice]

When I was young maybe like 6 or something I saw my dad beating my mom and I was so enraged that I jumped on his back and started yelling at him to stop maybe even hitting him. I still remember the anger I felt. I could see the fear in his eyes because he could see what would happen if he continued. After this day he never raised an arm at my mom again.

I also remember once as kids, maybe about 7 or 8 yo, we were throwing plums at cars and one of the man got out of the car and started chasing the kids and unlucky for me I got cought and the guy started to ruff me up by shaking me on my shirt. I remember being so scared. Luckily my dad saw it from our yard ran and picked the guy up by his neck and I thought he going to kill the guy. These two events symbolized our place to each other and ever since we earned respect and realised the love we had. He knew I loved my mom and I would do anything to protect her and I saw that he loved me based on how he treated that man who ruffed me up...lol

Yeah, there is a difference between beating and spanking and both the parent and the kid knows the difference. Beating is so ill and often has serious consequences often unrepairable.

Sometimes kids need a spanking but never ever a beating. This bs talking is fine in principal that fuji mentions but not very good in practice. I agree you BL that you don't want to confuse the kids and send mixed messages. Spanking on the but only is fine as long as it is controlled and spanking and can be reactionary also but always needs to be controlled and.never done.out of anger.

Kids are very gentle and they have a fine line that when crossed they remember and get affected for a lifetime. Last thing you want to do it traumatise. I could only speak from my experience to know that further beating of mom back when I saw as kid would have not produced desired consequences for us.

I am a parent and I always try not to repeat the mistakes that were mande on me. So far seems to be working well and we have a very healthy and happy kid.

You dont also want to baby them too much also and produce weak characters by applying all these crazy techniques.

My dad didn't hug me and see he loved me after the spanking. It was discipline. You don't get coddled immediately after being disciplined. I never had mixed messages. I would never say I was beaten. I was spanked. To me, there is a big difference between the two.