Perhaps you won't value
what I say. At least maybe you won't today. But you seem reasonably bright enough to be able to reflect. Perhaps you will come back and think about this some day. Or, perhaps not.
1) It's okay to be mistaken. Even 4 times. Even 40 times. Learn from experience and move on. I myself wouldn't want a girlfriend whose job was to give hand jobs to other guys. I might want her in bed - but I know myself well enough to know I couldn't handle a girlfriend getting sexual with another guy. But that doesn't mean it couldn't have worked for you. I'm not saying there is something wrong with the profession - I'm just saying I, as a person, couldn't hack it.
Without a doubt, some girls have dated their clients - a few are obviously married or in serious relationships.
But without a doubt, there are more liars in the profession on matters like this. Some just want to feed your fantasy. Some want to string you along. some genuinely consider it, but for very good reasons decide against it (respect issue, obviously). Some even like deceiving you - they will see it as revenge - you using their need for money against them - they in return using your lust against you.
2) Paid sex is a game (a subset of the game of sex) - the grandest game of all.
It's played on many levels. There's the strippers. There's the massage parlour girls (various sub levels there) and the independent masseuses. There's the hookers and streetwalkers. There's the escorts (at various sub levels). There's the high priced escorts. There's the escorts for the select few. There's the mistresses. There's the models willing to be mistresses.
It's all out there. The amount you spent might be a fortune for you (which means you should seriously cut back) or it might be chump change. Don't be something your not.
3) Don't assume you know yourself best - the hardest thing for a person to do is to be self-aware (you may recall an earlier thread I started with this as a theme). That's just bad advice to be told otherwise.
4) If you are finding trouble dating, because of this hobby, make no mistake about it, this is a clear symptom that something is wrong. There are plenty of hot girls out there looking for boyfriends.
It's far more of an accomplishment to get a hot girlfriend the traditional way, than to get one who knows you're willing to part with funds for a hand job from her.
It's a clear symptom you are in a disconnect now with your desires for the opposite sex. You are channeling your desires in an unhealthy way.
My diagnosis is sexual addiction (which doesn't mean what people think it means). Combine this with a problem developing relationships with women. Worth talking to a doctor about.
I'm not saying this in a condescending way - I'm saying this as someone who knows these topics too well.
5) Your inability to leave this board is a symptom as well. Announcing the need to leave this board is a symptom. (If you weren't addicted to it, and therefore didn't care about it, you wouldn't feel the need to announce it). But your addiction to it is tied to the status you perceive it gives you.
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Best of luck.