Even if you are right, OP still need to keep his mouth shut and say nothing about his hobbying.
Question for married guys
- Thread starter zeebo
- Start date
This is an interesting point. My wife and I were in an "OK" marriage, although I was guilty of having too many outside interests (not "this" hobby, but others) and a very demanding job. All the same, things at home were ok. I have no doubt we would have remained married.
It wasn't until my ex took up with a bunch of women and started doing things together... opera, shopping trips etc. I only knew a couple of them, but I know that these two at least were bitter, divorced ladies who (according to them) had been screwed over by philandering husbands. My ex got it in her mind I was doing the same thing (which I wasn't) and that was the beginning of the end, in spite of me working more from home, and reducing my involvement in my hobbies. (As it turned out, she ended up having an affair before our marriage was over. She is still with the dude, who is now going blind, and has developed some weird arthritic condition in his spine which will leave him in a wheelchair eventually. Sometimes, Karma's a bitch!)
Don't underestimate the power of a woman's "support" group... right or wrong, it can have great influence over her.
Things you admit can be forgiven but never forgotten. They will stay back in a dark corner festering and tickling the subconsciousness, always an invisible weight placed on the scales of judgment against you. And without fail, this annoying hurtful truth with be within reach to use as a club for the next major disagreement.
Here's a thought. If you can't tell your current or future partner the truth than maybe you shouldn't be doing what you are doing, period. And if you are, man or woman up and face the consequences.
You know I will be one that disagrees with the rest. You should tell her ... You know, TOFTT!
Afterwards, come back here and educate the rest of us to prevent another remorseful bastard from doing the same. You will be providing an invaluable service all terb members!
Afterwards, come back here and educate the rest of us to prevent another remorseful bastard from doing the same. You will be providing an invaluable service all terb members!
If you are gonna change, then change. You should only speak by your actions. No good will come out of telling anything.
Correct that this "hobby" is looked down upon by most "others."
If you get tired of SP's and want to be with her, that is great. At least now you know that, and you have gone through a learning process to find out. If that is the case, just appreciate her and appreciate being with her. What is in the past is in the past and will only bring harm if you bring it up.
When I was estranged from my wife, she never knew about SP's ( a society thing), but she knew damn well about the affairs, even though I tried to at least show her respect by not parading these to any extent.
If you want to be with her, you have found the right one... and the right one is hard to find, so don't wreck it.
Correct that this "hobby" is looked down upon by most "others."
If you get tired of SP's and want to be with her, that is great. At least now you know that, and you have gone through a learning process to find out. If that is the case, just appreciate her and appreciate being with her. What is in the past is in the past and will only bring harm if you bring it up.
When I was estranged from my wife, she never knew about SP's ( a society thing), but she knew damn well about the affairs, even though I tried to at least show her respect by not parading these to any extent.
If you want to be with her, you have found the right one... and the right one is hard to find, so don't wreck it.
You need to ask yourself honestly, what would the benefit be if you were to be completely honest with her.
YOU would rid yourself of the guilt and heap it on her. You would feel relieved of coming clean and would then be able to go on with your life unburdened by the numerous betrayals. She would now spend the rest of her life with you carrying that burden and wondering when you will stray again, every time you are late home, every time you end a phone call the minute she walks in, every time you are on the computer, every time you are having a 'business meeting'......
She will also have the benefit of questioning herself at every opportunity......doubting herself and her attractiveness.
If you love her do HER the biggest favour of all, keep your mouth shut and spend the rest of your married life making her feel like she is the most beautiful, desireable, enjoyable woman in your life.
YOU would rid yourself of the guilt and heap it on her. You would feel relieved of coming clean and would then be able to go on with your life unburdened by the numerous betrayals. She would now spend the rest of her life with you carrying that burden and wondering when you will stray again, every time you are late home, every time you end a phone call the minute she walks in, every time you are on the computer, every time you are having a 'business meeting'......
She will also have the benefit of questioning herself at every opportunity......doubting herself and her attractiveness.
If you love her do HER the biggest favour of all, keep your mouth shut and spend the rest of your married life making her feel like she is the most beautiful, desireable, enjoyable woman in your life.
Well done lady TY. That's the best way to handle the situation he's in and it"ll make her a very happy woman and he himself too.
Not all women think the same. As a woman, I'd say tell her. Some women are stupid or emotionally (or financially) dependent enough to forgive. If you have young children, that might help you too.
I personally wouldn't forgive and much less forget, for all the reasons already listed on the previous replies. I'm just saying that I see it happening a lot; some women just don't have the courage to walk away.
Regardless, bottom line is, SHE HAS THE RIGHT TO KNOW. If you made a commitment to marry her, it means plain and simple that other women are out of the picture. Be a man and honor the commitment you made with her. You can't pick and chose when to honor it or not. You either are faithful or you are not, there's no grey area.
If you don't follow the commitment you've made, she has the right to know. And then decide what she feels about it and how to deal with it.
I personally wouldn't forgive and much less forget, for all the reasons already listed on the previous replies. I'm just saying that I see it happening a lot; some women just don't have the courage to walk away.
Regardless, bottom line is, SHE HAS THE RIGHT TO KNOW. If you made a commitment to marry her, it means plain and simple that other women are out of the picture. Be a man and honor the commitment you made with her. You can't pick and chose when to honor it or not. You either are faithful or you are not, there's no grey area.
If you don't follow the commitment you've made, she has the right to know. And then decide what she feels about it and how to deal with it.
And who are you? I bet a women whose husband confessed to her and now you've gotten a nice big settlement - right? Don't listen to this advice at all and don't tell your wife anything as if you did it would be a very big mistake.
