Planning your final wishes.

[macrin]

A few months ago my Father suddenly and unexpectedly passed. He was a severe alcoholic and lived in the past, afraid of his own mortality. He had alienated almost everyone that was close and those he called friends were drunks as well (at least most of them). I spent a great many years bailing him out of trouble. Paying to upkeep the house and property and taking over his business before it was run completely into the ground. We had many fights but in the end i was the only one at his side while he was scared in the hospital about to pass. I had to make the final decision to allow him to pass and not suffer any longer. This came with many mixed emotions. Compassion, guilt, anger, sadness, peace and sorrow were constantly racing through my mind. I tried over many years to "save" him from his grip on alcohol only to be met with anger and denial. I tried everything I knew how to do to reach out; taking, reasoning, alanon meetings, letters and the list goes on; all to no avail.

After he passed I had the task of cleaning his home and packing his things to which I realized how sad he really was. His house was a shrine of pictures of me as a child (how he always saw me). It was sad. In that moment I let everything go, all the anger and hate just disappeared and was replaced with feelings of a sadness and I guess in some sense forgiveness. Many years of abuse and torment just kind of faded away. Not forgotten, just morphed into a new realization.

When he died he did so with no will, no executor, no final arrangements, no insurance in his insignificant mortgage and virtually no money in the bank. Immediately my sibling that walked away from him 20 years ago cane from the other side of the country and sized everything up and held out a hand. Because of the law, with no last will, entitlement is 50%. I'm not going to fight it because it isn't worth my time, in the end I will have a sizeable property that i have looked after and been proud of my entire life it will just cost me more than I anticipated. My sibling has spent a life reaching for handouts and wasting away money.

The main point to my story is this. If you or someone you know does not have a will I strongly recommend you get one or encourage that someone to do so. My father's estate is now frozen. Until I can be named administrator by the courts everything is a complete mess. Insurances will not allow me to pay the balance so all insurance on the home had been canceled, mortgage is now in default (it's value is less than 1/10th of its worth) and at risk of foreclosure, probate fees are astronomical along with Lawyer fees and penalties on accounts in arrears. I can not deposit or withdraw finances within his account to make things current nor will any agency speak with me regarding his accounts because I am not the administrator. It will take yet another 4-8 weeks in the courts for my approval to be administrator.

If you have loved ones please do not put them in this position. Nobody wants to plan there death but it is necessary. Put your feelings aside and think about those you will leave behind to struggle. It only takes a few minutes and can save so much pain and financial stress on your loved ones.

I know this will be over soon and in the end I will be fine. I have learned a lot about myself and my father and my sibling throughout this ordeal. People I thought were caring and compassionate are not always what they present. The one person I thought didn't care (my Father) cared more than I ever knew. This has been a truly life changing experience for me.

 

[Butler1000]

So sorry for your loss.

I'm fortunate in that I come from a pretty pragmatic and straight forward family. Everything is already settled up (some even have their funeral arrangements paid for in advance).

It is so important to get the wills and last wishes settled up. And not just when you are older. Pretty much from the minute you commit to owning property and have a bit of financial assets really.

Good luck and know you can walk away with your head held high and your heart in the right place. That's the best asset to come from this.

 

[TeasePlease]

Thanks for sharing, macron. I'm sorry for your loss. You were a good son. You should be proud.

 

[oldjones]

The advice about wills is useful; the wisdom about forgiveness and building on the past instead of becoming mired in it is something of real value that your father was able to give you in his passing.

It was kind to share your experience and your sadness. I'm grateful you told us and I'm sorry it's so painful for you.

 

[Marla]

A few months ago my Father suddenly and unexpectedly passed. He was a severe alcoholic and lived in the past, afraid of his own mortality. He had alienated almost everyone that was close and those he called friends were drunks as well (at least most of them). I spent a great many years bailing him out of trouble. Paying to upkeep the house and property and taking over his business before it was run completely into the ground. We had many fights but in the end i was the only one at his side while he was scared in the hospital about to pass. I had to make the final decision to allow him to pass and not suffer any longer. This came with many mixed emotions. Compassion, guilt, anger, sadness, peace and sorrow were constantly racing through my mind. I tried over many years to "save" him from his grip on alcohol only to be met with anger and denial. I tried everything I knew how to do to reach out; taking, reasoning, alanon meetings, letters and the list goes on; all to no avail.

After he passed I had the task of cleaning his home and packing his things to which I realized how sad he really was. His house was a shrine of pictures of me as a child (how he always saw me). It was sad. In that moment I let everything go, all the anger and hate just disappeared and was replaced with feelings of a sadness and I guess in some sense forgiveness. Many years of abuse and torment just kind of faded away. Not forgotten, just morphed into a new realization.

When he died he did so with no will, no executor, no final arrangements, no insurance in his insignificant mortgage and virtually no money in the bank. Immediately my sibling that walked away from him 20 years ago cane from the other side of the country and sized everything up and held out a hand. Because of the law, with no last will, entitlement is 50%. I'm not going to fight it because it isn't worth my time, in the end I will have a sizeable property that i have looked after and been proud of my entire life it will just cost me more than I anticipated. My sibling has spent a life reaching for handouts and wasting away money.

The main point to my story is this. If you or someone you know does not have a will I strongly recommend you get one or encourage that someone to do so. My father's estate is now frozen. Until I can be named administrator by the courts everything is a complete mess. Insurances will not allow me to pay the balance so all insurance on the home had been canceled, mortgage is now in default (it's value is less than 1/10th of its worth) and at risk of foreclosure, probate fees are astronomical along with Lawyer fees and penalties on accounts in arrears. I can not deposit or withdraw finances within his account to make things current nor will any agency speak with me regarding his accounts because I am not the administrator. It will take yet another 4-8 weeks in the courts for my approval to be administrator.

If you have loved ones please do not put them in this position. Nobody wants to plan there death but it is necessary. Put your feelings aside and think about those you will leave behind to struggle. It only takes a few minutes and can save so much pain and financial stress on your loved ones.

I know this will be over soon and in the end I will be fine. I have learned a lot about myself and my father and my sibling throughout this ordeal. People I thought were caring and compassionate are not always what they present. The one person I thought didn't care (my Father) cared more than I ever knew. This has been a truly life changing experience for me.

Thank you for your deep sharing of your transformation and advice. Saying sorry for your loss somehow seems trite. Having grown up with the confusion of an alcoholic father, I can so relate to the pain inflicted over your life. In the end, knowing he loved you is really the most important thing to hang on to.

 

[shakenbake]

Macrin, I share your experiences with my own late dad. The major consolation in all this is that he truly loved you. No one can take that away from you. Family feuds over money happen all the time. All of this will pass. Be strong and remember that you were loved; that is most important.

 

[justfor]

Sorry for your loss and thank you so much for sharing this great part of your life with us. You were a great son and you should be proud of yourself. It's a bit late but knowing your father loved you must be gratifying.
Your warning or advice regarding having a will is so important for everyone. It is so critically important to not let your loved ones suffer after our passing by not having a will prepared.

 

[IM469]

It is so critically important to not let your loved ones suffer after our passing by not having a will prepared.

My uncle was single and a chronic smoker so his health was never good after about 50. His family was trying to get him to write a will but he refused to discuss it because he thought it would be bad luck. When he died, his nephew who he was close to and looked after for the last few years of his life got nothing as it was scooped up by an estranged uncle.

 

[GPIDEAL]

I'm so sorry for your loss Macrin.

MY dad liked to drink too, sometimes to excess, and there were episodes, yet he managed to be successful in business and had his affairs professionally taken care of. When he was in a nursing home, I ensured that my mom wouldn't have to pay for any probate and minimized or avoided taxes at the time of his passing (fortunately, and thanks to my father, I have a good education with a financial background).

So yes, your experience and message to everyone that their personal affairs should be addressed and managed, to cushion the shock and effects of death, are very helpful.

I just would add that for ailing parents, children should have powers of attorney for property and personal care drawn up when their parents are of sound mind and body. Wills should also be drawn up AND updated with the long passage of time to consider changes in finances, laws, property & personal relationships.

Lastly, your unselfish devotion to your dad for his care is a shining example of true love which you can be proud of without regrets for years to come.

 

[macrin]

Thank you everyone for your kind words. I expected that most responses would be of others experiences with estates and wills. I am touched by the insight many of you have shown towards my story. It really wasn't my intention to make it about my life experience. I guess once I stayed writing that's how it came out. Kind of a therapy in itself. Strange how some of life's best advice comes from where you least expect it. What a great community this is. Cheers everyone, have a fantastic day!

 

[MissCroft]

I just would add that for ailing parents, children should have powers of attorney for property and personal care drawn up when their parents are of sound mind and body. Wills should also be drawn up AND updated with the long passage of time

I'm only in my thirties but have life insurance, a will, power of attorney set up, etc. Actually did it in my twenties. People don't like to think about it but it's important.

 

[canman1]

I'm only in my thirties but have life insurance, a will, power of attorney set up, etc. Actually did it in my twenties. People don't like to think about it but it's important.

Add living will (just in case)
Talk to your financial advisor. They have an abundance of information for how you can avoid the probate side. Along with any freezing of accounts.
Get your final resting place. Arrange how you wish the funeral home to proceed. Both of these can be paid well in advance of being needed.
Ensure your information, credit cards, insurance, banks accounts, investments, etc, are together, or you have a list of where they can be located.
A final income tax is required to be filed. it my be better to use a expert in this area, to ensure nothing is left out.
The funeral home takes care of any government issues, one less area to contact.

The executor should aware of all of these. Even then a lot of work is still to be done by them, but easier since they have access