The best reasons to have good manners are to prevent unnecessary discord and to save time. We judge ourselves by what we think, but we judge others by what they say and do. Thank god we cannot read each others minds! Here are some examples with some downsides.
Here in North America many times a day we smile and say to each other "Hi, how are you"; "I am fine, how are you". We are actually just being pleasant, and we do not want an honest exchange. We never say "I am depressed/frustrated/angry/horny", or "Do not waste my time with your shallow nonsense", or "I do want do not want to talk to you, you ugly troll", or worse. In the Netherlands they find this phony - "If you really want to know what I am feeling, let's have a conversation".
One Sunday morning Jehovah's Witnesses came to the front door of my family home, waking me up. I tried to wiggle out of an uncomfortable situation and was relieved when they offered a pamphlet. I took it and they left. They then came back every week to try to talk about what was written in the pamphlet" but I did not answer the door. This went on until I finally answered the door and told them to never come back. From their POV they had done all they were obligated to do by their faith.
I once rented a basement apartment from a very nice Muslim family from Sri Lanka. Part of their culture is to be hospitable, but in truth they wanted to be at a polite distance. I never took seriously "my home is your home". Every couple of weeks they would give me fish soup, which I find grotesque. They knew that I just threw it away - I was too "polite" to refuse it. And yet they kept doing it until I eventually put a stop to it. One day they made a really nice curry dinner for me. Every time I saw them after that for the next few weeks I praised the food and thanked them. They never made curry for me again!
My best man went to get a haircut just before my wedding. He was 350 pounds at the time, funny and self-deprecating. He asked a Chinese hair dresser, in a jovial way "Can you make me handsome"? Her answer was a flat "No"! Most Canadians would add to the joke "Absolutely!", or hedge with "I will do my best" while smiling.
In every day interactions we encounter "difficult" people. We usually do not waste our time arguing, we just deal with them and then forget about them. As my Dad would other say "If you wrestle with pigs you just get dirty". "Choose your battles" also applies. Earlier this year an asshole caught me at the wrong time - I was already pissed off. I visited someone who had just moved into a condo and did not know the entry phone access number. So I buzzed the security guard at the front desk. He gave me an unnecessarily hard time before eventually letting me in. The person I was visiting confirmed that the residents of the building had many bad experiences with him. A guy who abused the little bit of power that he had. On my way out I confronted him, dressed him down, and when he tried to push back for the first time in years I shouted "Go fuck yourself!" several times. Oh man did I feel good saying it! It was such a relief to express what I actually felt. That was so unusual for me and I felt good for days after. In a way he was a victim of my pre-existing anger, but he definitely had it coming. Fortunately for both of us I have no reason to go to that building again.
Here in North America many times a day we smile and say to each other "Hi, how are you"; "I am fine, how are you". We are actually just being pleasant, and we do not want an honest exchange. We never say "I am depressed/frustrated/angry/horny", or "Do not waste my time with your shallow nonsense", or "I do want do not want to talk to you, you ugly troll", or worse. In the Netherlands they find this phony - "If you really want to know what I am feeling, let's have a conversation".
One Sunday morning Jehovah's Witnesses came to the front door of my family home, waking me up. I tried to wiggle out of an uncomfortable situation and was relieved when they offered a pamphlet. I took it and they left. They then came back every week to try to talk about what was written in the pamphlet" but I did not answer the door. This went on until I finally answered the door and told them to never come back. From their POV they had done all they were obligated to do by their faith.
I once rented a basement apartment from a very nice Muslim family from Sri Lanka. Part of their culture is to be hospitable, but in truth they wanted to be at a polite distance. I never took seriously "my home is your home". Every couple of weeks they would give me fish soup, which I find grotesque. They knew that I just threw it away - I was too "polite" to refuse it. And yet they kept doing it until I eventually put a stop to it. One day they made a really nice curry dinner for me. Every time I saw them after that for the next few weeks I praised the food and thanked them. They never made curry for me again!
My best man went to get a haircut just before my wedding. He was 350 pounds at the time, funny and self-deprecating. He asked a Chinese hair dresser, in a jovial way "Can you make me handsome"? Her answer was a flat "No"! Most Canadians would add to the joke "Absolutely!", or hedge with "I will do my best" while smiling.
In every day interactions we encounter "difficult" people. We usually do not waste our time arguing, we just deal with them and then forget about them. As my Dad would other say "If you wrestle with pigs you just get dirty". "Choose your battles" also applies. Earlier this year an asshole caught me at the wrong time - I was already pissed off. I visited someone who had just moved into a condo and did not know the entry phone access number. So I buzzed the security guard at the front desk. He gave me an unnecessarily hard time before eventually letting me in. The person I was visiting confirmed that the residents of the building had many bad experiences with him. A guy who abused the little bit of power that he had. On my way out I confronted him, dressed him down, and when he tried to push back for the first time in years I shouted "Go fuck yourself!" several times. Oh man did I feel good saying it! It was such a relief to express what I actually felt. That was so unusual for me and I felt good for days after. In a way he was a victim of my pre-existing anger, but he definitely had it coming. Fortunately for both of us I have no reason to go to that building again.
